Ten Things I'll Never Do

10 Things I’ll Never Do

Most of my friends are either about to retire or recently moved past it. For the people who are currently retired, they run the gamut. Those in more than fine financial shape (not too many) frequently travel to visit friends, or just get away and explore. At the other end of the retirement spectrum are those who can “manage” … meaning they don’t necessarily have to work but need to be careful with their expenses (everyone else). For the latter group, a not so dissimilar life as the one they were leading before they stopped working. The main difference is, they’ve stopped working. 

For the already retired, their conversations never seem to include, “the gang down at the office” or wistful rhapsodizing about the work they used to do. In fact, it’s as though that life never existed. For those about to retire, it’s “counting the days” until they stop the drudgery of forced employment. Clearly this is a portion of their lives they are more than happy to put to a close.

When I ask, “What do/will you do with your time?”, the replies are often vague pronouncements about a path left untrodden only due to the necessary commitment of day-to-day employment. Invariably these paths remain unwalked, leaving me to conclude that the unfulfilled fantasy was more powerful than the effort it would take to live out the dream. Those about to retire seem to have no goals other than to be rid of the shackles of regimented life: the need to wake up early; the need to commute; and often the need to spend their days with people with whom they’d sooner not be in the same room. To reach that point in their lives which allows them not to have to abide by another’s demands and schedules, feels like a goal unto itself.

I’m still left with the question: “What do you do with your time”?

Now that it’s my turn to retire I’m being constantly questioned by people asking me “What will you do with your time”? Most of these questions come from people who have never shown a bit of curiosity about what I’ve been doing before I retired. Its as if they think my life is about to turn into some fantasy playground. To compound this issue, I’m being bombarded daily on the internet, and television with images of older people with seemingly endless supplies of energy, and money, who miraculously have not lost any hair or put on any weight since they were thirty years old.

At my age it would be quite easy to point to some activity and say, “I’m too old to do that” or “I’m too old to start to learn that now”. But after inhaling multiple doses of anti-ageist propaganda, I cannot, in good conscience, blame the calendar on my reluctance to create a bucket list of once in a lifetime thrills. As much as I would like to excuse myself from this exercise by producing my birth certificate, the plain truth is that I’m not taking on any of the life-affirming challenges of my contemporaries because I DON’T WANT TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS, AND IN FACT NEVER WANTED TO.

In order to save the time of people who would recruit me to accompany them on their new and wonderous adventures, I have compiled an Anti-Bucket List--stuff I’m just not going to do, so don’t ask.

1.     Sky Diving-Like they used to say about the forward pass in football. “Only three things can happen and two of them are bad.” From my vantage point, if you can manage to step out of plane into the air, you will, eventually,1) crash to the earth and die; 2) fall and break both your legs; or 3) fall to the earth in a matter of minutes and get up relatively unscathed. Given the odds and the cost benefit ratio, I’ll pass.

2.     Bungee Jumping-see Sky Diving

These two activities, in the best of circumstances, equate to how one feels on losing your virginity-anxiety, insecurity, and a few minutes of fun. Anyone want to relive that?

3.     Traveling to the Holy Land- People of all faiths have described this to me as a supremely spiritual experience. Personally, I prefer not getting blown to bits while I’m having a slice of pizza.

4.     Learn a foreign language-This actually sounded like a good idea until I realized that even if I could learn another language, with my hearing loss, I wouldn’t be able to hear anyone speaking to me. (Frankly, I can hardly understand anyone speaking English to me anymore).

5.     Sail around the world-Nuh-uh. I get seasick-and the remedies make me feel worse. And add to that, watching already overweight people stuffing themselves as if it was their last meal…there’s not enough Dramamine in the world.

6.     Move to a foreign country-I barely trust the doctors, here. What am I going to do when I can’t even explain what my symptoms are? And do you know how long it took me to find a good dentist?

7.     Run a marathon-Oh please.  Jim Fixx started the running craze in this country and died at 52 of a heart attack, while he was running. I already have heart issues and I’m 72. Anyway, if I added up the miles I put on going to the bathroom every night, in two weeks it will add up to a marathon. So, the running thing- that’s a hard pass

8.     Buy a motorcycle and drive wherever the roads leads till I make my way across the country. No part of that sentence interests me.

9.     Read the great books-Really?? Then what the hell do I have Netflix for?

10. Volunteer-Hey, I don’t see people lining up to help me. Maybe somebody can read the great books to me-and watch me fall asleep.

11. Spend more time with the children- Screw ‘em. They all moved as far away from me as they could get.

I can’t imagine why.