Lois and Lucinda Recall the (Alleged) Sinking of the Cruise Ship

“The first thing I did was put on my life raft.”

“No, Lucinda, you put your jewelry on first.”

“Did I?  No! I put on the life raft first, Lois.”

“No, you didn’t. You even said ‘I don’t want the bracelet Harry got me sinking to the bottom of the ocean like that diamond in Titanic.’”

“Was it a diamond or a pearl that sank to the bottom of the ocean?”

“You’re thinking of Prince.”

“Prince who?”

“Prince.”

“Prince of what?”

“Just Prince. The musician. With the doves.”

“Ohhhhh with the doves. You never just say anything. You’re always dancing around it.”

“Lucinda, I say what I say. I’m not going to unpack everything like a math problem for you just because you’re not listening.”

“But what does Prince have to do with anything, Lois?”

“The song.”

“What song?”

“Diamond and Pearl.”

“I don’t know that song.”

“You would know it if you listened.”

“I am listening! I always listen.”

“Lucinda, you don’t listen.”

“Lois, I always listen.”

“Lucinda, when I said-- ‘A gaggle of whales is attacking the ship. I think we’re going to sink.’ Were you listening?”

“No, but that’s because I was half-asleep. You woke me up in the middle of my siesta.”

“Here she goes with the siesta. You’ve been doing Duolingo for three days, and all of a sudden, you’re taking a siesta.”

“Let me tell you something, Mr. Reporter, she came running into our cabin like what’s-her-name with the medals--”

“Jackie Joyner Kersee.”

“Just like that. And she’s going--’The sharks are biting the ship! The sharks are biting the ship!’”

“I never said anything about sharks.”

“Lois, don’t lie to these people.”

“I said ‘Whales! Whales! A gaggle of whales!’”

“It’s not a gaggle. It’s a pod.”

“I don’t listen to those.”

“To what?”

“To podcasts.”

“What does that have to do with whales?”

“I’m talking about whales biting the ship.”

“Whales don’t bite.”

“What do you mean ‘Whales don’t bite?’ Of course they bite. How do you think they eat?”

“They swallow, Lucinda. Haven’t you ever seen Pinocchio?”

“Yes, Lois, I’ve seen Pinocchio. With the grasshopper.”

“The cricket.”

“Who?”

“You’re thinking of the cricket.”

“There was no cricket in Pinocchio. He was a grasshopper.”

“I’m not arguing with you about Pinocchio again. The last time we did that it went on for three hours until I sat you down and showed you the movie.”

“I remember them turning into bobcats on that carnival island. I think they changed the movie later on so they wouldn’t offend people.”

“Why would bobcats offend people?”

“I don’t know, but they’re always changing things around.”

“The point is I said ‘Whales’ and I never said anything about biting. They were ramming their heads into the side of the cruise ship.”

“Why would they do that?”

“Because they’re hungry and they can smell us up on the deck paying bocce.”

“I don’t think that’s what happened. I remember the captain coming over the loudspeaker to say that we’d hit something.”

“What would we have hit? We’re in the middle of the ocean.”

“Do I look like an oceanographer to you?”

“It was the whales.”

“There she goes blaming everything on whales.”

“And then you put on your jewelry.”

“I already had my jewelry on.”

“Why would you have your jewelry on, Lucinda? You were doing the fiesta.”

“I was doing the--Never mind. I always sleep with my jewelry on. In case of thieves.”

“What thieves? We’re on a cruise ship.”

“Lois, I saw two thieves at the buffet the other night at dinner.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“You know how we’re all supposed to get one turn at the lobster and scallop section?”

“Yeah.”

“I watched them and they went back THREE TIMES.”

“That doesn’t make them thieves, Lucinda.”

“It doesn’t make them saints!”

“You’re boring this poor journalist who is so graciously attempting to tell our story of survival. As we ran onto the deck in the middle of the night--”

“It was four in the afternoon.”

“Our breath coming out in puffs of molecular ice due to the frigid temperatures--”

“We were in the Bahamas.”

“Will you let me give this gentleman a story he can write about? You’re ruining all the details with your facts.”

“You’re supposed to be honest with reporters. This man came all the way to our favorite diner to talk to us and you’re telling him the plot of Titanic.”

“I’ll have you know that this gentleman--What was your name again, doll?  Louie!  What a nice name. My first boyfriend’s name was Louie.”

“No, my first boyfriend’s name was Louie.”

“You and Louie were not boyfriend and girlfriend, Lucinda.”

“Yes, we were, Lois.”

“He took you on one date in 1964. That doesn’t make you boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t stolen him from me like those thieves were stealing scallops--”

“We’re not talking about this again. We’re talking about the cruise ship sinking.”

“It didn’t even sink. It just dipped a little bit.”

“When we were pulling away in the lifeboats, I saw it start to go down. It was horrifying. Just like Titanic. All those poor dancing immigrants at the bottom were probably doomed.”

“The ship didn’t even go down. I’m looking at my phone now.”

“You don’t know what you’re doing on that phone.”

“The ship was fine! We didn’t need to steal that lifeboat.”

“Here you go again with the stealing.”

“And I missed Disco Night at the casino. What a disaster.”

“It wasn’t Disco Night. It was Country Night. You want to dress up like a cowboy and hogtie a bull, you be my guest.”

“You don’t hogtie a bull, Lois. You hogtie a hog. It’s right in the name.”

“Oh suddenly, she’s a farmer.”

“And it was Disco Night and there were no whales and I was already wearing my jewelry.”

“Go ahead, tell it all to the reporter. Tell it to Louie. What a nice name.”

“I’m not even sure he’s a reporter. I think he’s from the FBI. They could be investigating us.”

“For what?”

“Stealing the lifeboat.”

“We had no choice. The ship was going down.”

“It never went down. All those people disco dancing while they eat their stolen scallops and I wasn’t even one of them.”

“It’s better safe than sorry, Lucinda.”

“You know they had a raffle where if you win you get a car? I would have won. I have very good luck with raffles. That was how I got my first six lava lamps.”

“What are you going to do with a car? You can’t even drive anymore.”

“Lois, that’s not true. I drive to the supermarket and back everyday.”

“Yeah, you really need a BMW for that.”

“The raffle wasn’t for a BMW. It was for a red corvette.”

“You’re thinking of Prince.”

“Prince of what?”

“You know what? I should have just left you on that ship.”

“Finally. Something we can agree on.”