20 comments

Funny

Uteruses suck. That’s it, that’s basically the whole story. If you were to ask Kazi her most magnificent piece of wisdom, she would tell you this. 


They do beautiful things like creating humans from two cells into a whole baby! That’s like stuffing two balls of playdough together then ending up with Michelangelo’s David Statue, completely unrealistic. But the manner that they create them is torcher. An agonizing nine-month-long process that is so fragile it can’t handle any booze. Pregnancy is the ultimate party pooper.


There was also a bunch of other stuff that made Uteruses suck total ass. Labour, cramps, endometriosis, all that stuff just made for a bad day, but what really topped the cake were periods.


That’s where Kazi’s real problem with her uterus started, it was just a toxic relationship right from the get-go. Periods typically started around thirteen or fourteen in this day and age. That was the age Kazi was taught, and that was what she expected.


But that’s not what happened. She had to wait for the ripe age of seventeen, the time where it should have already become normal. She hoped that her late start would just be a one-time thing, but that was so naive to think.


Her uterus was like that one friend who loved surprising her friends, but always had the worst surprises, like instead of “I bought you a new dog,” it was “I just dented your car!”


Most people had a schedule, but not this uterus. Sometimes it came after four weeks, sometimes after six or seven weeks. Occasionally her uterus dared to be months late, giving her the scare of a lifetime and sending her running to the drug store to get pregnancy tests.


She had seen multiple specialists find an answer to this curse of an organ she had, but they all came back the same. “There is nothing dysfunctional with the uterus, sometimes periods are simply just irregular.”


“Irregular my ass,” Kazi would mumble as she stocked up on tampons and Tylenol for periods that she couldn’t rely on. “It’s been two months again, but I have a feeling it’s coming soon.”


“Girl, are you sure?” Maddy questioned, her tone sounding far from reassuring. “You told me that you haven’t been feeling all that well, and puking in the mornings isn’t all that normal.”


“I already told you, that was just bad sushi. Remind me to give that place a well-deserved review on yelp, shit service and food.” Kazi grumbled, running down the line of tampons to find her favourite brand, which didn’t feel like rubbing sandpaper along her nether region.


“I don’t know, this time might be different,” Maddy argued, getting into Kazi’s face, a line of concern weaving its way onto her forehead. 


“You say that every time,” Kazi scoffed, moving past her. “You think I’m going unprotected? I’ve seen enough pictures back in junior high sex ed to scar me for life.” 


“All I’m saying is that it’s a possibility,” Maddy dropped a small box into her basket, a box she knew all too well. That stupid pink box, haunting her with the lines. Her nightmares include the two full lines. “Please, just say that you will try it for me?” Her face was too much to disregard, so in the end, Kazi gave up and agreed.


Her uterus was so unreliable and extremely expensive, honestly reminded Kazi of a sugar baby, just with no satisfaction. Maddy ended up pushing her into the bathroom of their shared apartment the moment they both stepped inside. Never before was this excited for her to take a piss. 


Kazi hated this part, so gross and always caused her to lose her appetite, which sucked as she just bought a new bag of chips. She would much rather be devouring the bag while sloughed into the couch instead of peeing on a stick. She tossed it on a piece of paper toilet on the bathroom counter before leaving it to read.


Maddy seemed anxious as Kazi left, putting away groceries while keeping her gaze on Kazi. “If you are so excited to see what it says, it’s all yours.” Kazi gestured to the bathroom, weirded out by how quickly she ran. “Just remember it’s my piss on that stick!” She called behind Maddy, rolling her eyes at the show.


Maddy walked out moments later, stick in hand. Gross.


“So, what’s the verdict?” Kazi asked, not even bothering to stop what she was doing.


“Well, your period just seems to be late, again,” Maddy mumbled, her voice seeming uneven, but Kazi failed to pick up on it. “Nine months late.”


“See, I told you,” Kazi hummed, continuing with what she was doing while Maddy’s words sunk in. By the time she realized, Maddy had come up to her side, showing her the two lines on the pregnancy test. Kazi had no idea what to say, so she just walked over to the couch and sat in silence until she could form words again.


“Are you okay?” Maddy cautiously asked, bringing over a glass of water. Kazi took a long sip before daring to open her mouth.


“I have seventeen dollars in my savings account.” Kazi started, many more terrifying thoughts following after. “We live in the shittest part of town, I work a minimum wage job that only covers the bills.” Kazi had always hated crying-as it made her eyes puff and gave her such an unattractive look-but there was no stopping the tears this time. “I don’t even want a child.”


“Hey, it’s just the beginning, we can figure things out!” Maddy rubbed comforting circles onto Kazi’s back, speaking in a soft voice. At the same time, she worked to reassure the now internally panicking Kazi. “Let’s just focus on one step at a time.”


Kazi looked up at Maddy, hoping for more guidance to talk over the doubts running wild through her mind. “What is our first move?”


“We gotta find some stores with sales on maternity clothes because you will get really fat in the coming months,” Maddy commented, making Kazi smile amid her panic. “Then, we can book you an appointment with the doctor and figure out what we need from there.”


Kazi nodded, following along while calming her breathing. This was a nicer mindset to be in, less of a headache to think about. “What are we going to do after the baby comes?” 


“That bridge can wait until after the doctors confirm there is a gremlin growing inside you.” Kazi laughed at the comment before leaning into Maddy’s embrace. “Trust me, everything is going to be alright.” She started to believe it, dropping her worry. 


Nine bloody months late.


What a terrible surprise.

July 09, 2020 21:36

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20 comments

נιмму 🤎
01:28 Jul 10, 2020

Very interesting take on the prompt lol. I like the way you started it simply with 'uteruses suck' if that isn't just straight factsss. I'm curious of who the dad is hahaa :P

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Lynn Penny
17:35 Jul 10, 2020

I didn't know which direction I wanted to go with the dad so I decided to just leave ambiguous. Glad you enjoyed it!

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Cynthia Cronan
12:01 Jul 16, 2020

Lynn - Nice job building the story to the "punch line" of the title. This story read like a modern sit-com.

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Lynn Penny
20:26 Jul 16, 2020

Thanks! I’m glad I did it justice.

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Deborah Angevin
08:48 Jul 16, 2020

The opening paragraph hooked me to keep on reading! Loved it, Lynn! Would you mind checking my recent story out, "Orange-Coloured Sky"? Thank you!

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Lynn Penny
20:27 Jul 16, 2020

Thank you, id love you read your work.

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B H
15:53 Jul 14, 2020

I love how the story was humorous and also highlighted the struggles women go through and how a friend supports another friend. Really well written.

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Saranglogy R
05:08 Jul 12, 2020

I really loved the story. The first sentence impressed me and made me to read it fully. I loved how her friend was supportive and made her happy even at tough times. :-D

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Lynn Penny
18:06 Jul 12, 2020

Aw, thanks. I'm glad I was able to grab your attention.

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Cheri Jalbert
21:22 Jul 10, 2020

Loved this humerous take on what women have to deal with. You have a wonderful sense of timing and pace. Very well done!

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Lynn Penny
03:14 Jul 11, 2020

Thanks! I was really worried about my timing so I'm glad I got it down.

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Brenda Bell
20:59 Aug 27, 2020

Lynn I loved this story. I could see myself back in the days of "Judy Blumes Are u God its Me Margaret?" craving this kind of story just to feel normal as a woman. I dont know if you wanted it to be teen reader style, but you nailed it. Thanks for liking mine as well.

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Lynn Penny
21:14 Aug 27, 2020

I wrote this after watching a teen romcom! I tots loved watching that movie as well. I loved your work as well!

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18:53 Aug 18, 2020

I liked the mixture of humor and suspense in here!

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Lynn Penny
19:53 Aug 18, 2020

Thanks!

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P. Jean
20:46 Aug 02, 2020

Interesting choice of subject. Hope it is not a preview of things to come for you. First you give uteruses a bad name, what about the ovaries when it all begins and the fallopian tubes that carry the offending egg. Just kidding. I guess interesting is my only comment! I hope Kazi learns in subsequent chapters this is mostly her fault! Sorry to sound so sour! Writing great....subject..not so much!

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Lynn Penny
21:34 Aug 02, 2020

I love the analyzation of my story, and now that I read back to it I can see it's faults. I was in a bad sprout of writer's block so I honestly just wrote the first thing that came to mind. Glad you found it interesting!

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P. Jean
21:43 Aug 02, 2020

I hope you didn’t find my comments really negative....I too as a late bloomer so understand the frustration!

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Lynn Penny
21:54 Aug 02, 2020

nah, all in good spirits!

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Lily Kingston
01:04 Sep 28, 2020

I love this take on the prompt and how relatable you write all the period stuff—they seriously do suck. Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

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