Terrible Surprises

Uteruses suck. That’s it, that’s basically the whole story. If you were to ask Kazi her most magnificent piece of wisdom, she would tell you this. 

They do beautiful things like creating humans from two cells into a whole baby! That’s like stuffing two balls of playdough together then ending up with Michelangelo’s David Statue, completely unrealistic. But the manner that they create them is torcher. An agonizing nine-month-long process that is so fragile it can’t handle any booze. Pregnancy is the ultimate party pooper.

There was also a bunch of other stuff that made Uteruses suck total ass. Labour, cramps, endometriosis, all that stuff just made for a bad day, but what really topped the cake were periods.

That’s where Kazi’s real problem with her uterus started, it was just a toxic relationship right from the get-go. Periods typically started around thirteen or fourteen in this day and age. That was the age Kazi was taught, and that was what she expected.

But that’s not what happened. She had to wait for the ripe age of seventeen, the time where it should have already become normal. She hoped that her late start would just be a one-time thing, but that was so naive to think.

Her uterus was like that one friend who loved surprising her friends, but always had the worst surprises, like instead of “I bought you a new dog,” it was “I just dented your car!”

Most people had a schedule, but not this uterus. Sometimes it came after four weeks, sometimes after six or seven weeks. Occasionally her uterus dared to be months late, giving her the scare of a lifetime and sending her running to the drug store to get pregnancy tests.

She had seen multiple specialists find an answer to this curse of an organ she had, but they all came back the same. “There is nothing dysfunctional with the uterus, sometimes periods are simply just irregular.”

“Irregular my ass,” Kazi would mumble as she stocked up on tampons and Tylenol for periods that she couldn’t rely on. “It’s been two months again, but I have a feeling it’s coming soon.”

“Girl, are you sure?” Maddy questioned, her tone sounding far from reassuring. “You told me that you haven’t been feeling all that well, and puking in the mornings isn’t all that normal.”

“I already told you, that was just bad sushi. Remind me to give that place a well-deserved review on yelp, shit service and food.” Kazi grumbled, running down the line of tampons to find her favourite brand, which didn’t feel like rubbing sandpaper along her nether region.

“I don’t know, this time might be different,” Maddy argued, getting into Kazi’s face, a line of concern weaving its way onto her forehead. 

“You say that every time,” Kazi scoffed, moving past her. “You think I’m going unprotected? I’ve seen enough pictures back in junior high sex ed to scar me for life.” 

“All I’m saying is that it’s a possibility,” Maddy dropped a small box into her basket, a box she knew all too well. That stupid pink box, haunting her with the lines. Her nightmares include the two full lines. “Please, just say that you will try it for me?” Her face was too much to disregard, so in the end, Kazi gave up and agreed.

Her uterus was so unreliable and extremely expensive, honestly reminded Kazi of a sugar baby, just with no satisfaction. Maddy ended up pushing her into the bathroom of their shared apartment the moment they both stepped inside. Never before was this excited for her to take a piss. 

Kazi hated this part, so gross and always caused her to lose her appetite, which sucked as she just bought a new bag of chips. She would much rather be devouring the bag while sloughed into the couch instead of peeing on a stick. She tossed it on a piece of paper toilet on the bathroom counter before leaving it to read.

Maddy seemed anxious as Kazi left, putting away groceries while keeping her gaze on Kazi. “If you are so excited to see what it says, it’s all yours.” Kazi gestured to the bathroom, weirded out by how quickly she ran. “Just remember it’s my piss on that stick!” She called behind Maddy, rolling her eyes at the show.

Maddy walked out moments later, stick in hand. Gross.

“So, what’s the verdict?” Kazi asked, not even bothering to stop what she was doing.

“Well, your period just seems to be late, again,” Maddy mumbled, her voice seeming uneven, but Kazi failed to pick up on it. “Nine months late.”

“See, I told you,” Kazi hummed, continuing with what she was doing while Maddy’s words sunk in. By the time she realized, Maddy had come up to her side, showing her the two lines on the pregnancy test. Kazi had no idea what to say, so she just walked over to the couch and sat in silence until she could form words again.

“Are you okay?” Maddy cautiously asked, bringing over a glass of water. Kazi took a long sip before daring to open her mouth.

“I have seventeen dollars in my savings account.” Kazi started, many more terrifying thoughts following after. “We live in the shittest part of town, I work a minimum wage job that only covers the bills.” Kazi had always hated crying-as it made her eyes puff and gave her such an unattractive look-but there was no stopping the tears this time. “I don’t even want a child.”

“Hey, it’s just the beginning, we can figure things out!” Maddy rubbed comforting circles onto Kazi’s back, speaking in a soft voice. At the same time, she worked to reassure the now internally panicking Kazi. “Let’s just focus on one step at a time.”

Kazi looked up at Maddy, hoping for more guidance to talk over the doubts running wild through her mind. “What is our first move?”

“We gotta find some stores with sales on maternity clothes because you will get really fat in the coming months,” Maddy commented, making Kazi smile amid her panic. “Then, we can book you an appointment with the doctor and figure out what we need from there.”

Kazi nodded, following along while calming her breathing. This was a nicer mindset to be in, less of a headache to think about. “What are we going to do after the baby comes?” 

“That bridge can wait until after the doctors confirm there is a gremlin growing inside you.” Kazi laughed at the comment before leaning into Maddy’s embrace. “Trust me, everything is going to be alright.” She started to believe it, dropping her worry. 

Nine bloody months late.

What a terrible surprise.