Secret Lesbian

The icy chill of the winter storm bit my exposed skin as I walked home from school. I was excited because I planned to kiss my girlfriend in front of my whole family. Highschool was like a needle that was on the edge of poking me. I was so sick of my family with all their arguments on whether or not I should be put on birth control since I’m sixteen. My sister has short brown hair that is as straight as straw. She’s twelve which means my parents aren’t worried she’s going to sleep with a guy. And I have two older brothers who spend all their time playing video games. I wanted to come out to my family, but Dad is homophobic. It scared me when my aunt and dad got into heated decisions about how, “Abortion should be illegal, and all the gays should get banned.” This really upset me, so I never voiced that I’m a lesbian. Mom is a feminist. She complained about the way dad and Aunt Jill believed the wrong thing. She relentlessly tried to get me on birth control, but dad always found out and stopped her.

           “We will vote tonight whether or not Maria will go on birth control,” Dad told Mom and I scowled as I put on my makeup.

           It is Thursday, and all of my family's relatives are coming over to this tiny house for Thanksgiving. I guess I’m going to be exposed when everyone votes whether or not I should be put on birth control. But this was unnecessary. I don’t like guys, but I could never say that. I’m in my Junior year of high school, just barely making it by. My family is conservative. Either way, they believe in things I don’t. I believe that anyone can date whoever they want. Abortion is fine but I could never voice how I feel. I talk to my girlfriend about how much my family made me nervous. We live in Ohio. Yeah, I know this story tracks. I lived in an apartment, with plug in heaters everywhere. The ground always has dirty socks on it, and Aunt Jill's underwear.

When I complain about how disgusting the house is, Mom says, “If a house is clean, it’s not yours.” I don’t understand or relate to my parents or Aunt. She lives with us because she was growing old and weak, and she didn’t have the money for a house of her own. She’s always moaning in the bathroom about the wrinkles on her face.

           “I swear there is another line! I wish I had Maria’s face. I’m ugly.” She’d cry and whine to me, trying to me convince her she’s pretty and young. She’s also always on the phone gossiping about me to her friends. She often talks about how Mom wanted to put me on birth control because I was probably having sex with various men, which was far from the truth. I’m in love with Selena; I picture my life with her. And I couldn’t get pregnant with Selena.

           Every day, I debate telling them I’m a full-on lesbian and that will never change and if you can’t accept that, then you will lose me. I’m dreading the party tonight. Are my aunts, grandparents, cousins, my parent’s cousins, and uncles and likely my dad’s conservative friends going to lecture me about not having sex at a young age. I was screwed. Maybe I could just wait out to tell them I’m gay until I go to college.

           When the day is over, I rush to the bathroom to fix my makeup. Mom always stated, “If you look good, you feel good.” I decided my fate, there would be a lot of shoulder rubs from grandmothers, and cheek pinches, while saying, “Oh, you’re such a healthy girl.” What does that mean Grandma Mindy? I’m chubby. I normally thank them and move on with my day. I would have to sit through hours of family gossip while dealing with comments on how grown-up I look.

           The town I live in is full of jocks who love football and have modern houses that only rich people could have. We live in the poorer part of town. My great grandmother migrated from Mexico a long time ago. My Mom is Mexican, but my dad is white, a Christan and Republican. I love mom’s side, but Dad’s side is…interesting. Tonight, everyone was coming, and I would be the center of tug and war. But what my whole family didn’t know was that I have a girlfriend. Selena has blond hair and blue eyes, and I knew that if I brought her to the party with me, I’d have proof that me, “being gay” wasn’t a bluff. I’d kiss Selena right in front of them all. Selena and I are so excited to reveal that birth control is not needed. And that I had someone that could defend me when my family tore my belief to the ground.

           “I can’t believe your such a badass! I love you.” She kisses me on the cheek as we walk to my house.

           “I’m nervous,” I admit.

           “Well, you have me. I have your back!” She smiles brightly.

           When we got to my house, I see a dozen cars parked down the street and in the driveway. I begin to hyperventilate so Selena holds my hand, and we walk up the brick path. I straightened, wiped the sweat off my forehead and knocked on the door. Mom opened the door and smiled but then stared at Selena. I let go of her hand, and she didn’t object.

           “Who’s this?” Mom asked, probably thinking that I actually made a friend and how shocking that was.

           “My girlfriend.” I smile, but I know mom thought when I said “girlfriend” I meant a girl and a friend and not a partner.

           “What’s your name?”

           “Selena, it's nice to meet you Mrs. Smith.”

           When we step at the door, I see Grandmother Mindy staring at us. She looks older and weaker. She has a limp as she walks, and her perfume is so strong, it makes me nauseous. Her face has so many creases, but from far away, she looks good for seventy.

           “Oh, you look so old, my baby!” She pinches my cheek. “You look so healthy.” She checks me out and I hug her with a silent sigh. I called it. “Who’s this?” She points to Selena with suspicion.

           “That’s my girlfriend, Selena.” I tell her with a smile.

           “Girlfriend?!!” She shouts, looking at mom in disapproval.

           “It's slang for a female friend.” Mom explains.

           Selena stares at me and I debate telling them all right here and now, but I decided against up. I’d wait until the right moment. I whispered to Selena, and she nodded. It’s exciting to have a secret, and the fact that the secret is breathing right next to me. I’m enthralled as Auntie Kim talks about the way the house smells of perfume. She glares at Grandma Mindy and then whispers that she looks like a corpse. I told her about school, and that I have perfect grades.

           “What are your grades?” She asks.

           “All A’s.” I inform her.

           “Well, let hope you can keep that through senior year!” She laughs obnoxiously.

           I walk around the house with Selena my side, waiting for the moment when Dad would call attention to himself to tell everyone we are having a vote about whether or not I should be put on birth control. I knew dad’s side would say, killing a baby is like murder and all of mom’s side would talk about the rape rate and how fourteen-year-old are raped and get pregnant. Mom tells me, “A girl just died in Texas because the doctors would give her an abortion.”

           Either way, I’m regretting my decision of going through with this. I don’t know what their reaction will be, I’m not sure if they will slap me. Ground me. Disown me. Tell me they are all disappointed. Or congratulate me. They will tell me, “I love you for whoever you are.” But I couldn’t call it. It’s unpredictable.

           “Attention everyone!!” Dad calls, hitting his wine glass with a fork.

           “What is it, Jim?” Grandma Mindy asks because it is in the middle of a discussion about electric razors.

           “Well, we are having a vote.” He waits for someone to ask him.

           “For what?!” Aunt Kim shouts.

           “You know how Maria is getting up there in age, and as parents she,” Dad points out Mom. “She wants to put Maria on birth control.”

           “What?! She’s sexually active? I was joking when I said that…” Grandma Mindy stared at me with disgust. “God, I can imagine it.” She admitted.

           “If you think she should be put on birth control, put a yes, and if she shouldn’t put a no.” Dad passes out pens and sticky notes.

           Everyone drops their vote in the cup, and my brother is staring at me with a knowing smile. I wasn’t sure what my brothers would vote for because they might just say no to annoy me. Or could they care about me? I’m not sure, but either way it doesn’t matter because I’m going to kiss Selena in front of all these people and expose my secret.

           Dad went to the other room to count the votes, and everyone was having quiet conversations about me. Giving me a wide birth, and grins. I smiled back, because I couldn’t wait to see what they would do when they realized I would never have sex with a guy.

           “I can’t believe my baby girl is sexually active.” Grandma Mindy cries and Aunt Kim comforts her.

           “She’s doing what she’s meant to do.” Aunt Kim tells her while holding eye contact with me. Now, my cheeks were blazing and rosy.

           Dad came out of the office a couple minutes later with a grin on his face. This confirmed that these people would rather have a baby die than someone they’ve known their whole life. Stupid, but it didn’t matter.

           “She isn’t getting birth control!!!” Dad screams and Mom bursts into tears.

           She’s crying and talking about how stupid Dad’s family is.

           “I have an announcement everyone!” I scream over the side conversations.

           “Are you already pregnant?” Mom’s voice is shrill.

           “Nope.” I pause. “I’m a lesbian.” I grabbed Selena’s hand and kiss her, drag my tongue around her mouth, and hold her back in my hands. People are screaming, kids are laughing nervously, and Dad is striding up to me. “This is my girlfriend.” I tell him. His face is so red it looks like a tomato.

           “That is a sin!!! I will not allow this in my house!!” He goes to slap me.

           “Leave her alone, she can date whoever she wants. Leave her be.” Mom stands in front of me, and I stare at her in disbelief.

           “You can make me move out, but then I’ll no longer think of you as my father. Just a homophobic guy.” I told him coldly.

           “I love you and I understand.” Mom kisses me on the cheek.

           Dad ignored me for the rest of the night, and he couldn’t even look me in the face, but honestly, I didn’t care. I told them my truth and there is no wrong in telling them the truth. If a person can’t accept you for who you are, then that person will never love you for who you are. I go to say goodbye to Grandma Mindy.

         She screams, “Even lesbians have sex!”