My Friend the Broccoli

“Come on, Kevin! It’s only a piece of goddamn broccoli!” the middle school cafeteria lady screams.

I nod and let out a deep sigh.

“Are you crying?” She asks.

My head violently shakes as I fight to hold back tears.

“Come on, move it!” a classmate shouts from father back in the line.

I can barely spot the impatient individual out of the corner of my right eye.

They are wearing a red shirt - or maybe it’s blue, then again, who cares?

“Kevin, take the broccoli or don’t, I really don’t care. But you need to make a goddamn decision!” the cafeteria lady begs.

 I mutter a swear word under my breath and find a seat at the nearest empty table.

My lunch tray is nearly bare. A single piece of broccoli glares back at me.

“Surely, they are upset about being separated from their pack,” I conclude.

“Trust me,” I whisper. “I don’t like this situation any more than you do.”

The broccoli remains perfectly still.

“Look. We are just going to have to make the most of it, okay?”

There is still no response.

“Please, just say something!” I shout.

My classmates do not bother looking up from their meals. 

This is not the first time I have struggled to befriend a piece of broccoli.

I get up from the table and begin to dramatically walk away.

“Wait! Don’t leave!”

My heart skips a beat. 

I hesitantly turn back toward the table.

The piece of broccoli is no longer on the cafeteria tray.

I fall onto my knees in defeat.

“Broccoli! Where are you!” I holler at the top of my lungs.

There is no response.

My screams grow progressively louder.

There is still no response.

Then, finally a sound pierces through my sadness.

“Kevin! Can you hear me? Help! I’m being carried away!”

My eyes furiously scan in all directions, but the broccoli is nowhere to be found.

I scramble to pull out a magnifying glass from my backpack.

Crumbled pieces of paper (failed attempts at my geometry homework) spill out onto the cafeteria floor as I look.

My hand finally grasps onto a large metal magnifying glass.

“Hazah!” I scream.

My classmates are still too occupied with their meals to celebrate my victorious moment.

My magnifying glass and I meticulously scan the littered cafeteria floor.

I spot an ant slowly chewing on the piece of broccoli.

“How could you be so cruel! They had a family!” 

The bottom of my right shoe obliterates the tiny insect.

I still do not feel better.

I wonder if it was worth it.

If it was worth it to selfishly take an innocent life in a desperate grab for revenge.

Everything turns to black.

___________________________________________

“Kevin! Kevin! Are you alright?”

My eyes stubbornly meet the cafeteria lady’s soul-piercing gaze. 

Sweat slowly drenches my University of Minnesota Gophers T-Shirt.

“Kevin! You’ve been standing there, muttering gibberish for three minutes.

Now, are you going to take the broccoli or not?”

A hand softly wraps around my own.

“Babe, it’s okay,” Jannete quietly assures me.

“No. It’s not okay. That piece of broccoli was like family to me!” I shout.

Jannette takes a deep breath.

“Babe, that was just a nightmare.”

My fists thump down onto the empty food tray.

“How dare you say that! I thought you loved me!”

I rush out of the room.

My heart is beating out of my chest, and my throat is closing.

Students shoot me odd looks, and mutter amongst themselves, as I pass.

I try to find a place to hide. Somewhere to escape the overwhelming pressure of my reality.

I run down the street and duck inside a local pizza joint.

The place looks emptier than usual.

An attractive waitress, who I recognize from last year’s spring economic course, asks for my order.

“The usual”

She nods and slowly departs to the kitchen.

Jannette eventually finds me.

She wears a frustrated and disappointed expression.

She gently wraps her arms around my shoulder.

I quickly push them off.

Her eyes roll with displeasure.

We sit quietly for what feels like an hour until the food arrives.

“This is not what I ordered!” I protest.

The waitress shrugs and briskly walks away.

We still eat the half-burnt cheese and pepperoni pizza.

It is surprisingly tasty.

Janette finally clears her throat to make an announcement.

I swing my back to her.

There is nothing she can say to make this day okay.

Jannette digs through her purse.

I am not sure what she is looking for.

She finally locates a sealed Ziploc bag.

“I’m sorry. Look, I brought you something.”

I cautiously turn to face my girlfriend.

Tears pour out of my pupils.

I thought this day would never come. 

A single piece of broccoli smiles back at me.

My fingers carefully open the Ziploc bag.

I gently place the small, green object onto my empty plate.

Could it be?

Is this the very broccoli from the nightmare?

“Broc, is that you?” I quietly whisper.

The vegetable does not respond.

I let out a deep sigh and consider my options.

My eyes turn back to Jannete.

She shrugs.

I nod.

With a deep breath, I begin to dramatically walk away from the table.

I close my eyes and slowly count aloud backwards from ten.

“3.”

“2.”

“1.”

I’m not sure I can do it.

I try to muster up the courage, but it’s no use.

Broccoli broke my heart once, and I fear it would do it again.

I feel Jannete’s hand on my shoulder.

This time, I do not push it off.

This time, I allow it to guide me towards the broccoli.

My eyes remain closed as my fingers inch closer and closer to their goal.

I’m about to make contact.

Adrenaline rushes through my lungs.

My hand connects with an empty table.

I scream at the top of my lungs.

My eyes peel open.

Where did it go?

Where is my friend the broccoli?

An evil laugh fills the quiet pizza restaurant.

My body turns to the front door as a tall figure rushes into the night.

“Broc! No!”

I chase after the kidnapper.

Rain begins to slowly drip onto my sweatshirt.

“Ha, Ha, Ha!” the figure hollers.

The rain is now turning into a heavy downpour.

Lighting flashes through the sky, and I get my first glimpse of the kidnapper.

It’s the college cafeteria lady!

She runs out of energy and sits down on a bench.

I catch up to her.

“Give my broccoli back!”

She begins to chuckle. “You mean the broccoli your girlfriend is about to eat?”

I swing around on my heel.

Jannete is standing mere inches from me.

Her mouth opens to swallow the best friend I’ve ever had.

My eyes close.

I cannot bear to watch.