Two of Those

Two of Those Please

“I’ll have…”

“They aren’t fattening you know.”

“I, didn’t know!  But then, I don’t know what goes on here.”

When Win Pegasus landed on Quagmire, I should say crashed on our little planet, he claimed to have done so by accident, but then he was more than a little confused. I asked him how he could have crashed by accident and he really didn’t have a believable answer, or so it seemed, but then our translation system hasn’t been updated in quite some time. It has a tendency to rearrange the words in dyslexic fashion. I attempted to repair it myself by reading to it from our Monks Bible, we use the Jupitorian version, but it didn’t seem to have any immediate effect. It is our equivalent of a lullaby, which when recited in falsetto, usually has miraculous results, but so far nothing. 

If what I’m saying to you now, seems a bit out of sync, it might be because when Baxter our Supreme Technician left, he did so, well let’s say, on not very amenable terms. He actually threatened to destroy the planet, if we insisted that it was his fault that dyslexia had become a phenomenon everyone could not get enough of.

The younger Quagmires of course, are more able to adapt to new transitions. It is the older ones, the Senilities, that have the greater problem, as dyslexia is more dissociative, or I should say, confusing to them.  They are actually beginning the process of becoming what they need to be, to procure a station in Vagueness, that is, after they determine what that station should be. The psychedelic concept was taken from a planet we recognize as Earth, as that is what its inhabitants call it, and our tradition believes in keeping other’s traditions alive, as it gives us something to study, which keeps us from having to think about the fact we have nothing meaningful to do. We refer to their planet, as Ethos, which I have purposely failed to mention to Win. No need to confuse him further.

I should interject at this point, that we on Quagmire, don’t actually die, as I understand the word to mean. We simply disappear. We grow more faint as we age, until one day we look into what we consider, Our Mirror, which in actuality, is just a hologram of what we choose to look like in a diffused state. It is difficult at times to explain our situation to others, because, well, there usually aren’t others. We live a secluded and un-necessary existence in my opinion, but then what do I know. Being Head Chef gives me certain creative advantages I suppose, but when programmed into acceptable portions meant only to encourage cordiality, it seems to make little difference, at least as far as I am concerned.

Win Pegasus is the first visitor we have had in the last thousand years, unless you count Vasco De Gama’s, Traveling Ambivalence Show.

We are in a constellation that is avoided because of the bland and unexciting visions it provides those looking for renewed, and even exaggerated reasons, to continue to exist. Win mentioned just this morning, as I took him on a tour of our virtual food facility, “Nothing seems to smell.” He actually used the term, “Reek,” as I recall, which we here find to be a meaningless concept, as it is untranslatable.

He said when you went into a market or restaurant on Ethos, “You are captivated by the smells.” Spices, plants exuding their essence, bacon (whatever that is) frying, and olfactory processors, he said, “Titillating the psychological needs of the most prudent of carnivores and vegetarians.” I had to ask what a vegetarian was. Turns out we have no need for them here. We have no need for carnivores either, but the concept is intriguing, and I’ve determined menu concept worthy.

I should explain. We do not require food in the material fashion Win has explained, it is needed in other galaxies I have been advised, but here only in a conceptual sense. Our system depends primarily on concepts used on Earth, and apparently according to Win, remain prominent, advertising, or what we call, psychological manipulation. It is the suggestion that is important, the acceptance that the suggestion has relevance, and therefore promotes need, a necessary benefit.

My restaurant, and the attached Illusionary Market, provide all the stimulation necessary to deliver a divine dining experience, without the destruction of flora and fauna, and I might add, saves water, which we import, although it is virtually unnecessary. Dining does not require dinner ware and therefore, no need of water for sanitary uses. We regard the concept as redundant, but somewhat spiritual in nature.

One of our hit movies of late, I would be remiss in not mentioning, is about a dishwashing apparatus, Patina, and its quest to find its origins, therefore its reason for existing; quite hilarious.

Win’s comments on aromatic presentation needed interpretation. He lacks a certain credibility when it comes to giving advice. But then his is a guest from Ethos.

We have attempted to introduce aroma therapy into our visionary programs, but with little success. Win relayed the story of when he was a boy and passed a bakery on his way to school. He became so emotional in the telling of how the aroma piped purposely into the atmosphere, generated an entire governmental agency dedicated to truancy, and related obesity problems; he teared up. We have no need of that here.

I told him it was difficult for us as well, we had nothing original to duplicate, and therefore exploit. He said if he ever managed to leave Quagmire, which he hoped would be soon as he hadn’t eaten in seven days and was beginning to feel a might peckish; he would send samples. He also questioned the reason we needed to import water, and its extravagant cost, until I reminded him that it was one of the precepts of our conceptually exploitive monetary system, capitalism, that we borrowed from Earth, that made it not only possible, but profitable. 

Win, although he seems gullible enough to be of the human persuasion, is also a bit more of a pragmatist than I expected. He continues to go on about, why the residents of Quagmire even bother to go to restaurants or are concerned with aromatic interventions into lives that have accepted the fact, they have no purpose, and probably never will. His perceptions, although giving new meaning to the word arrogance, has upset many of our residents, who have recently become accepting of the notion that life is to be lived within the parameters of inherited dictatorial rule. The concept of, “Coloring outside the lines,” as Win put it, had never occurred to any of us. Our local news media of course picked up on the socialistic principles he proposed, and were immediately refuted by the, Commission for Obligatory Misinformation.

If they hadn’t stepped in, I fear that I would have to re-engineer my entire menu, not to mention my deceptive measures of persuasion that, as I have been told, are among the best in our galaxy. 

Being head Chef here, is similar to being the Poet Laureate on Earth, or so I imagine. I fear that if we do not find a way to return Win to his planet, he may be responsible for disturbing the entire reason we have come to accept, complacency and virtual freedom, as tenants of our society. His speech at, Virtual Universal Efficiency Incorporated, VUE INC, on organics, recycling, conservation, none of which have any relevance here, did however encourage interest in the concept of dancing in the streets, which he proclaimed was the evolution of the old sacrificial ways of his ancestors. No one knew what he meant, but anything new here is exciting.

We have no concept of ancestors, as evolution, although enticing, has little relevance to reality, unless I suppose, it is all you have. Win, if he has done nothing else, has challenged our conception of what was, and what could be, and the reason we have dismissed both. We are, if not happy, dutifully cognizant of the fact that things could be worse, and therefore remain ambivalent to change, given its permanent relevance to a future, based on our virtual perceptions of perception.

You must excuse me. I have promised Win a tour of our virtual garden, and our recent infusion of newly integrated seasonal insects.