Cheeto fingers.

How to stay single when surrounded by eligible men. An 18-step program:

1.     Cheeto fingers. Keep Cheetos on hand – literally. If you eat the little orange twigs with your fingers and take the opportunity to like the unnaturally fake orange cheese from your fingers, it will paint your fingers to the color of a faded sunset.

2.     Overthink everything. If he says that he likes Marvel, assume that he has dolls, figurines, and life-sized character cut-outs in his bedroom. Imagine yourself going to every new release movie and watching fan fiction at nauseum. Mark out the Comic Con dates on your calendar right now.

3.     Be self-conscious. Be aware of your every flaw. Concentrate on it until you drive yourself entirely insane. Do not give him a chance to love you. Rather, you can make him a list of reasons not to love you and be sure and share the list on the first three dates if you get that many.

4.     Stay in rather than going out. Get yourself some soft pants, a Minky blanket, a bowl of popcorn and a good series to watch and stay in where there will be no opportunities to meet a man unless he shows up on your doorstep, which you will not answer because you are in your Cheeto stained soft pants.

5.     Laugh Too Loud. When in public, practice your loudest and most obnoxious laugh. The laugh that makes you snort. Take this laugh to a public theater and see if you can get other patrons to turn and look at you. Laugh at inappropriate times like when a character is dying a painful death especially in his Marvel movie.

6.     Flirt awkwardly or Not at All. Practice #5 when he is trying to ask you about yourself. Laugh loudly and blush. Practice #2 and assume that if he asks you about your family, that he is going to take you to meet them on the next date. Flip your hair at regular intervals.

7.     Be Way Too Honest. Share with him that you have a zoo of stuffed animals in a net in your bedroom. Tell him you like to freeze your Girl Scout Cookies before eating them, one box at a time. Tell him that you might have a mayonnaise fetish and you eat it on everything. Tell him that you have only been in three serious relationships in your entire life.

8.     Insist on the List. Make a list of all your favorite characteristics in a man and insist that he have all of them before you will go out on a fourth date. If you need him to bench press his body weight and drive a Tesla, let him know this on the first date. Ensure that he makes enough money annually to keep you in the lifestyle to which you would like to be accustomed.

9.     Rewrite History. Rewrite every failed relationship and insist that if you had changed just one thing about yourself, he would have stayed with you and that once he comes to his senses and sees that you can change, he will realize that he left you in error and will come running back with an engagement ring at any moment.

10.  Be Intellectual. Be intellectually intimidating at every moment. Men are often excited by intellectual women so be sure and share interesting facts you know and recent books you have read on geothermal dynamics and other light topics. Mention often how many years schooling you have beyond their education and share daily how much more you make an hour than him.

11.  Be Independent. Bring him by your home, which you have paid off in cash, and show him how you finished your own roof and re-poured your own driveway.

12.  Be Super Busy. Make sure that you can only fit him in your schedule one night a week or two if he is willing to be part of your multi-tasking plan. He can give you a shoulder rub while you stay late at work completing a project you volunteered to do for the boss without pay. Invite him to hand you brushes as you re-paint your living room.

13.  Send Yourself Flowers. Regularly send yourself flowers with notes from fictitious men. He will be inspired to send you flowers of his own to add to your garden.

14.  Refuse to Settle. Practice #8. If you are one of those super picky women who insist that man be employed and not live with his mother, keep looking until you find him.

15.  Require Employment. If he would like to borrow your debit card to put gas in his car, you are allowed to keep looking for your Mr. Right. If he is “between jobs” or “between apartments,” it is okay to give him a fake number and keep looking.

16.  Have Curvature. If you practice #1 and #4, you are likely to have some girly curves and have the hips in the double digits. Own it. Find a man who will eat with you rather than insisting you have a salad. The right man will want to get soft pants of his own and join you for Pizza Fridays with the cheesy stuffed crust. If he wants to go for a run, tell him to run to the store for more ice cream.

17.  Be Scared. If he cannot be Google stalked, be nervous. If the only article you find about him online is a restraining order, it is okay to run! Always bring your car and wallet to a date where you meet him in public. Take an Ex-count and make sure it is a number with which you can live.

18.  Be Happy with your Current Life. It is okay to be happy in your current life. When the right person comes along, you will want to put the effort in to making it work. He will not be perfect, but he will appreciate you, Cheeto fingers and all. He may even laugh when you snort. And you will find yourself creating the perfect Marvel costume for Comic Con.