My Island home

My Island Home

The hard lump sat in my throat as the waves lap at the edge of the boat; the vessel of my new beginnings rocks side to side. My body gives into its rhythmic sway. Uncertainty and inspiration rocks me from side to side, my changes in thought erratic like a poorly planned pinball ball machine. I wasn’t just leaving my home- I was leaving my life. As the figures faded into the distance, so did the comfort of familiarity. The comfort you get from slipping on your favourite knitted jumper the first day of winter or the comfort of a partner who knows you better than you know yourself.

I pulled myself from the edge of the boat and pulled my bag through the thick crowd to find a seat. A sea of toothless smiles washed over me, too many people to properly say hello but my body would not allow me to move through without any recognition. I sank into the seat; 6 months ago it had seemed like such a good idea, now I was wanting to throw myself from this ship and swim to shore where my loved ones stood.

It all began on an uneventful Tuesday morning. I had always been content with my life, in fact I had often wondered why anyone travelled away from their own country, moved house or embarked on a new career path once one had already been established. Boredom, hatred and contempt spread through my body as I watched Jessica boisterously shove another giant spoonful of mac and cheese into her fat face before continuing to loudly lament how she could just not lose any weight. Quickly the sound of the peanut gallery would interrupt to tell her she was beautiful just the way she is. These were the typical conversations that occurred in this lunchroom day after day, in fact it was often the conversations I would hear no matter where I ventured on this island. A colony of morons who had bred with others alike for so many generations and had not left the island, that this was just the way things were.

Aaron raised his voice “I’m going to move, it’s time”.

I glanced over to see the man who had only moved here 1 year before ready to move on.

“I’ve seen it, now to see something else. I might be back one day but I want to see what else, who else is out there”

Imagine that! Imagine moving away from everyone you knew…imagine that…for the first time in a long time my body wasn’t filled with a pulsing hatred, there was a tinge of optimism that was creeping its way into my body. I felt it inch its way tendrils from my chest to my arms, spreading like a thick spider web. Could I leave? It had never occurred to me before that the clinical depressed and anxious pessimist, the full time therapist seeing shy girl could ever make a new friend, little move to an entirely different world.

Days passed as I sat with the idea. It felt so scandalous that I had to keep it to myself. Not even my most trusted allies could know about this. After all, if I kept this to myself then there was no way it would become a reality. It was as if saying the words out loud, ‘I want to move’ would bring force a tidal wave of change that I could never stop. It would make me a failure when I didn’t follow through, I knew I wouldn’t follow through, I’m not that kind of person. Could I leave everyone? My family, my friends, my boyfriend? Together 5 years, who was I kidding, how could I leave him. Next stop was moving in together, followed closely by marriage and children. The same journey every woman from this island took. This couldn’t be it, I couldn’t be this boring and tragic could I? I refuse to be like those in the past- I refuse to let ties to a place dictate my life.

I paced the room, battling my mind every step of the way. I stopped. It’s round shape creeping into sight. A globe. My finger traced its smooth circumference as my mind started to wander. What if I let the globe pick. I would simply spin it and where my finger lay would be where I would live. If it happened to land on the island then that would be fate telling me I was already on my life path. If it landed elsewhere, then that was my path. I flicked the globed with my left hand causing it to spin. The colours of the globed blurred into one shade of blueish green as my finger approached the side. I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut in an attempt to block out the unfamiliar and utterly stupid thing I was doing. Clonk. The globe stopped. My finger stopped. My heart stopped. I slowly peered through my eyelashes at the globe, opening them more the globe came into full view. Australia. The middle of Australia. The dry, brown middle of Australia. Calmness washed over me. How could it be that the thought of this made me calm? How could the opposite of what I had known be calming.

So now I sit. Rocking with the waves, feeling the soft sea spray wet my face. I used this excuse to let the tears that had been screaming to get out run down my face. They weren’t tears of sadness though, they were tears of a new beginning. I didn’t know what was waiting for me on the other side but if I never went then I would always have a deep sense of regret. I knew that if I ever wanted to be happy on this island then I needed to see what was out there. I needed to know that I wasn’t just comfortable here because it was familiar, I needed to know that I belonged here because it was the best place for me.