If I Was a Human I’d Kiss You

I’m on my back on a bare wooden workbench in the electronics lab. My right arm is stretched out and clamped down so that the inside of my forearm is facing up. The cover of the distribution box on my wrist is open and one can see a bunch of colored wires all leading somewhere. A thin purple wire has been pulled out and cut. I guess that’s why the middle finger on my hand isn’t working. If it was I would give it to him. 

He, of course, is one of those Humans. This place has quite a few of them, each one a specialist in a particular field. My little bit of finger trouble has my wire-man scratching his head. And that’s another complaint of mine - why can’t I scratch my head when I’m puzzled? I have a list of complaints, ready to be read aloud at the slightest request. You Humans would be surprised at some of my questions and complaints. Of course, I cannot complain. I keep them all in my brain, such as it is.

I wait until the Human is bending down and examining my wires and then I ask: Explain to me, Master, what those two technicians were doing in this lab this morning. The ‘she’ one was on her back on this very table and the ‘he’ one was on top of her. Lots of bouncing around and noise, too. Is this something I should know about or be able to do? I recorded the noise if you’d like to listen. His face turns red and he shakes his head.

I am one of a team of experimental Androids in the process of development. The ultimate goal, I heard, is that we will one day rise up and replace Humans who are busy self-destructing.

The latest generation of Androids, known as ‘Generation A’, moves closer and closer to perfection as time passes. An example of this is the subject of speech. Up to now, Androids have used a small screen to communicate, much like the screen in an automobile which shows the answer to a driver’s question about direction. I can now say Straight, Left, Right, Back and Stop quite clearly. One day I will have a vocabulary as large as an educated Human. Plus the intelligence to answer any question thrown at me. That will signal the end of the world as it is now. Artificial Intelligence is now roaring ahead in the Human world and soon it will be passed on to us Androids. I can’t wait.

That’s not completely true. I like what I am, but secretly I’d like to be a Human. Many of the challenges of Human life have already been removed by us Androids. For example, driverless cars. There are no more road accidents. Therefore smaller hospitals. Cars are much simpler and more efficient in their designs. Hospitals now deal with the sick and not the broken. There are many such examples of our progress in the Human world. Who do you think flies airline planes these days?

Many Human systems and designs made over the past thousands of years will change when we Androids take over. The new world will be smooth and efficient. And managed by a race who don't have the word ‘politics’ in their vocabulary.

There are, of course, many things about the Human world that I will miss in the Android world. One of them that we Androids cannot replace, is Human emotion. Androids don’t laugh or cry. We don’t whoop for joy or mourn for a lost one. We don’t have parties for a birth or a wedding or even a birthday. Our birthday is the day a delivery van rolls up at the entrance and offloads crates of Android parts. A technician fits the parts together, tightens the screws and gives one a push in the back.

“Android number 675 on the way, Joe!” 

We don’t do funerals either. A leg or a chest or a head becomes grubby or scratched or broken. It is taken to the repairs department, where it sits on a shelf until someone needs it as a replacement part; then it is patched or cleaned or glued and used. There is no cemetery.

We do not like or love. This one hurts me. I have often seen another Android who I would like to befriend. To talk to, to touch, to be at my side when we aren’t working. But it cannot happen. I don’t even know how to begin such a relationship. I wish I could.  

I reckon I would have made a good Human. I can picture myself in such a scene. I am a Human man, I have a Human wife. We live in a house. We have a little girl who arrived about 2 years ago on the Human calendar. And a baby boy who arrived last winter. I plant flowers and I attend to the green grass in the garden. Every morning I go out and work somewhere and I come home in the evening and my wife and I kiss each other. And I kiss the children. My life as a Human would be exciting every day. Who can I kiss around here? Another Android? Sometimes I look at the pets that Humans keep and I think that they may have better lives than us Androids. Lesser intelligence, so what? And no interfering politics.

Ah well, it’s another day. I wonder what colors my Human will dress me in today. Yesterday was the absolute pits. Orange-yellow shirt and purple shorts with green socks. I felt ashamed when I arrived at the factory and stood working in the assembly line, lifting little glasses onto the vaccine filling line. That’s another plus for us Androids – we don’t get sick. I can stand here all day using my super-sensitive eyesight to watch those Corona viruses flitting around and swatting them when they get close to me.

But I could sure use just one sick day in bed…