The Suitcase

Suitcase in hand, I head to the station. As I stood there waiting for the train to arrive, I looked down at what I was holding in my hands. The suitcase. 

My palms were sweaty and my legs went weak. I think my heart will burst out of my chest, it wants to escape. I shouldn’t be here, I should be running, running far away from here. But instead I remain where I am. 

I use my other free hand to cover my mouth. My eyes go wide. I could feel the adrenaline surging through my system. I felt like vomiting, the saliva in my mouth was thickening, but I swallowed it down. I have to move, I have to get on the train when it comes, at some point. 

Every second that passed felt like an eternity, I had started to think that I had already died and I was just a lost soul wandering the Earth. If I wasn’t, how come despite my constant, rapid breathing and the color draining from my face that nobody seems to pay any attention in my direction? I was shaking and faint, I looked like anything but a resting person. 

I couldn’t breathe, it felt like someone was choking me because no matter how many times I tried to breathe air into my lungs, it was denied. Was I really waiting for the train’s arrival? No, that was just an excuse. I was waiting for someone to save me. Even though there were so many people around me, waiting for the train, no one would, no one was there to help me, save me. The moment I caught a glimpse of the incoming train, it seemed as if this was the end of the road for me. 

Time slows down, my vision becomes blurry, and everything else fades away. I no longer hear the sound of the train's arrival, I don’t even notice how everyone is already starting to board the train as they pass by. 

I had lost any sense on how long I’d been standing here for. Why am I doing this? I didn’t volunteer, I wasn’t even those people who take pleasure in shady business or danger. Blending into the crowd felt safe, but I was doing the opposite of that right now. Without drawing any attention to myself, I boarded the train, but the moment I entered I began feeling tense. 

With every daring step I took towards my seat, I felt like my legs were no longer connected to my body. I know others are staring at me, but I can’t see it at all. I’m too focused on trying to get to my seat with my trembling feet. How could I ever think this was a favor for someone? This was just a crime. A favor was an excuse, a lie. 

I shut my eyes and shook my head, less thinking, more action. I sat in a seat by the window and held the suitcase near my chest. With every second, my heart beats faster and rapider. In any second, it may try to escape. So I hug the suitcase closer, in an attempt to prevent it from running away. 

If my heart were not beating like crazy, I would do anything but put the case anywhere near me, especially knowing what was inside of it. But it was the only way for me to calm down. A cold sweat ran down my cheek, it had every right to be there. 

It made me wonder whether my vivid imagination was just a big nightmare or reality. 

I looked out the window. I have lived in these areas for my whole life, so why am I leaving? Where am I even going? I grew up in this area and this is where I should be calm, but I can’t help but feel guilty for what I was doing. My senses are on high alert as the train nears my destination. 

The train stops and I get off. I walk towards my designated place, they’re waiting for me, they’re all expecting me to come. My muscles freeze with a tingling sensation to run. 

I guess thinking too much has fried my brain because I know that fleeing was the dumbest choice, but I wouldn’t know. Perhaps I was bringing myself to death’s door or I just wanted to spend the rest of my life not behind bars. My heart beats faster, louder. But I can’t stop running just yet. 

Hiding was also an option I could’ve considered. It sounds stupid now because I’m standing in front of the police station, trying to catch my breath. I ignore my heart pounding in my chest and try to slow my breathing. The only reason I’m still alive is because they haven’t found me yet, when they’d find out that I betrayed them, it’s all over. But I couldn’t, I can’t just live with all of this guilt in my heart. How could I move on with my life after this? My will to survive is too strong. 

My life flashed before my eyes and I could see all of the memories up from my childhood to now. Then I walk inside. 

Was I dead? Am I getting a glimpse of heaven? Wait, no, I’m just blinded by the light coming from the interrogation room. 

Since I was little, I followed all of the rules until now. 

The other party asks for my story along with questions, I replied casually aware of the fear it brings to them. How could I tell? They’re facial expressions seem to change with every word that comes out of my mouth. 

My body wants to run to safety, but this is safety, so I remain where I am. There’s only one thing left to do: Pray no one kills me. At some point, I’ll just have to live for what I’ve done. 

As they talk amongst themselves, everything begins to fade. I think back to how this all happened, what was inside that suitcase. 

My eyes saw something I won’t ever be able to erase. I think this is the first time I was ever that scared in my life, I never saw anything this horrific even in my nightmares.

Now the image remains in my mind. 

I watch as they take the evidence away. That’s good. I don’t ever want to see it again for the rest of my life. 

Afterall, I was an accomplice in murder. 

The suitcase contained dismembered body parts with blood still dripping from every cut.