Best Intentions

Best Intentions

Editor's note: The Reedsy format wasn't receptive to the Word cross-outs, so this may appear a bit messy in places.)

December 31, 2023

Resolutions for the New Year- The beginning of a new and improved Herb Farkowski.      

1.    Lose 20  15  10   5 pounds by July 1^st   October 1^st  December 31^st, 2024.

-       Accomplish this daring feat with fat-free   fat-reduced   not all-fat diet and nightly  weekly  frequent  occasional visits to YMCA. (See #3 below.)

-       No snacking after 8:00 PM  10:00 PM  midnight. (Unless I am really hungry.)

-       Hot fudge sundaes scaled down from six scoops of ice cream to five scoops.

-       Nightly bag of potato chips reduced from Party Size bag to Family Size bag, and accompanying tub of cheese dip will be limited to 8 ounces 12 ounces.                    

 -Eat some carrots and celery sticks after consuming a hot fudge sundae and downing a bag of chips.

- Afternoon “pick-me-upper” Hershey Family Size Giant Milk Chocolate Bar will be eliminated; a reasonable alternative to be determined. (Two Snickers Bars or bag of Rollos under consideration.)

-  Cut back on consumption of Honey Buns. (Within reason)                                                                          

-  Discipline and inner strength will be key.

   2.    Will cut down on smoking.                                                                 

 -Pack a day will continue through winter months, and then be limited to 5 cigarettes  7 cigarettes  half a pack a day. I will be allowed “flex days” which will permit unlimited, additional cigarettes when consuming alcohol.

 -Cigars will only be smoked when my wife is absent from home or when out drinking with the boys at Liquid Johnny’s, or when playing cards at Bert’s.

3.  Start and adhere to a rigorous exercise program. 

- Will hit the ground running the morning of January 1^st. (Unless it’s snowing or really cold outside.

-Will jog 100 steps every day in January and February, 300 200 steps in March, 400 steps through spring, one-quarter  one-sixteenth of a mile rain or shine every most lots of days in the summer, one-eighth of a mile in the fall…except days Packers, Badgers, Brewers or Bucks are playing, and one-quarter mile in the winter…unless, due to concerns of overall health, it’s cold outside or sidewalks are slippery. 

-Purchase sleek-looking outfit (including impressive array of colorful headbands) and snazzy tennis shoes for visits to gym. Try to find something on sale.

-Join YMCA. Start with vigorous stretching exercises. Run in place ten five three one minute. Hit weight machines. Start with fifty  forty thirty ten pound weights. Work way up to two hundred  one hundred fifty twenty pounds. Focus on lats and pecs to impress the other people working out at the Y at the time. 

- Prepare to fend off the onslaught of women coming on to the “New-look” Herb.    

 -Go to the Y every night after work.  

-Go to Y when I feel the energy and the spirit moves me.  

                                                                                                                                    -Fifty  Twenty-five  Ten  Some sit-ups every night before bed. Twenty  Ten Some push-ups every night before bed.

 4.Expand mind.

-Read one book a week  every two weeks once a month  every six months in 2024. (Not a real big book…maybe something in the range of 100 pages…big print. Try to find something with pictures.)

 Join Book Club.

 -Read all some at least one of the books in the “How Stuff Works” series. Make it something practical, like something about plumbing.

 -Discuss politics and other important social issues more often with the guys at Liquid Johnny’s Bar.   

Attend community cultural events.  Check out City’s Christmas Parade.

-Watch the Evening News instead of reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies and Gunsmoke.                                  

5.  Renew sense of Spirituality.

  -Join   Visit a church. 

  -Attend Mass every Sunday once a month Christmas and Easter.

  -Purchase a Bible.

  -Join Bible Study group.

-Display Bible in prominent place in living room.

 Go on long walks in the woods to contemplate the wonders of nature.  

 -Look at tree outside bedroom window and think about how it got there.  

-Sit on hillside at City Park and contemplate the vastness and origin of the Universe.

Look out bedroom window at night and look for the Big Dipper.

6.     Cut down on drinking. (Within reason.)

- Will consume alcohol only on weekends three nights a week five nights a week when I need to relax or when I am thirsty.

  - Make every 6^th beer at Liquid Johnny’s a Lite beer. 

  -No more “Boilermakers”…unless someone else is buying. 

-Use a glass.                                 

7.    Make amends with that *&%# neighbor Johnson.  

 -Stop throwing Bowser’s poop into his yard. Throw only half of Bowser's dog poop into Johnson’s yard.

 -No Ding-Dong-Ditch after midnight.

   -Stop ordering Jimmy Johns and having it sent to Johnson’s house.

8.    Be a better person. 

-Stop referring to my mother-in-law as “The Fat Bitch of Baltimore” when hanging out with the boys at Liquid Johny’s. Think of less offensive names like “Wicked Witch of the East” or “Sour Puss".  

 -Stop referring to my wife as “The War Lord” when hanging out with the boys at Liquid Johnny’s. Think of less offensive names like “Wicked Witch of the East” or “Sour Puss.”  

 -Stop calling Herb in the next cubicle “Dumb Shit”. Think of less offensive name like “Dumb Ass”.

-Don’t put Whoopee Cushion on mother-in-law’s chair at Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Stop cheating on my taxes.

-Stop Cut down on bad language. Limit use of the ‘F’ word to times I’m really angry or I hurt myself.

 -Give car in front of me at least five three two seconds to move when the light turns green before blasting my horn.

 -Stop giving the finger to any driver who does something I don’t like… unless it really ticks me off.  

Refund the money to the kid who bought my old car with the transmission going out.

Shovel the widow Jenkins’ driveway for her in the winter. -

Mow the lawn for the widow Jenkins in the summer.-

Tell my wife the actual amount of the bonus I receive at Christmas.

Buy some Girl Scout cookies.

9.    Be a better husband.

    -Take over shoveling duties from my wife. Buy my wife a new snow shovel…one of the extra wide ones they have on sale at Walmart so she’s not out in the cold so long.

  -Remember her birthday this year.

  -Remember our anniversary this year.

  -Don’t put up such a stink when her mother comes to visit.



-Scrape snow and ice off my wife's car in the morning.  

10. Follow through on these New Year’s Resolutions…unlike every other year.