Strips Of Existence

Your world is defined by the memories and places you have. Your very existence in this world by the people and institutions you have followed and who have followed you. That’s what my old college Professor, Professor Richards said to me. He couldn't be any more right. It took me a week to reflect on everything that led me to this point. From my urgings of my mother to become a doctor, to my kind neighbors intrigued that somebody that wasn't blue-eyed and blonde lived next door and always handed us cherry muffins nearly every week, all the way to when I met my husband, the same man who was standing beside me, kissed me on the cheek and with a little push, ushered me onto the stage of the Micius Quantum Convention Center to receive my award.

I’ve won awards before. Yet this one felt right. The Micius Quantum Prize was rarely given out to young physicists like me. Some said I was a genius, while my love A.J. knew I was too “humble” to announce I wasn't that smart. I was just passionate about the field of Quantum physics, specifically superposition, which led me to be called one of the first pioneers in the third Quantum revolution. The gold medal falling on my neck never felt so right. I wasn't happy for myself though. I was happy for the world. We were a step closer, so much closer to achieving our dreams: a utopia. I didn't know I was going to kickstart it.

After that night of handshakes, cheers, interviews, and great drunken sex with A.J. I went back to work as if nothing ever happened. The Aventus Research Center and Conservatory for Quantum Mechanics was my home, something I wouldn't publicly admit, but I had a spare pillow and blanket there in case I needed to take an eight-hour nap to recharge my brain on what I was working on. I took a detour to my favorite bakery in town, Auntie Granna’s where I had my usual bundle of Cherry muffins, half of which I gave to my co-workers, two of them to my longtime friend Ed or “Eddy” as we called him. The tall, dark, and burly man was our security guard, tough on the outside but a teddy bear the younger lab assistants called him on the inside. He smiled at me so warmly, letting out his fist for a fist bump before I revealed a wrapped muffin or two behind my back. “Cherry?” he asked, knowing the answer. “Cherry,” I replied. That day was the start of it. The chain event that would lead me to the object. I just didn't notice it. Didn't notice the tiny spherical ball of metal hovering above me. Not until it was too late.

...

I was reviewing notes, scribbles of midnight theories I had on Schrodinger’s Cat when I noticed it. The lab wasn’t vacant like normal, a few of my co-workers were around to see it. They should have noticed it. Even when I did, as I stared at it in awe, and poked my friend Edmund, he simply shrugged at the air where I was pointing and continued on with his work. After a while, I knew it wasn't a prank. The hovering sphere could be seen by me and only me. It sometimes followed me around, then suddenly vanished. Up until that night.

A well-known aspect of Quantum Mechanics was the Wave Function. The quantum wave function portrayed all physical quantities as a series of quantum states with a probability of a system being in a given state. Say there is a radioactive atom. According to the quantum physics wave function, after one hour the radioactive atom will be in a state where it is both decayed and not decayed, but once observed, it collapses into either state. But only when observed. Schrodinger’s Cat illustrated this by a hypothetical box with a cat inside. Until observed, the Cat is either alive or dead. Its fate was not known until observed. That was what I was obsessed with. The cats has two fates: Alive and dead. Yes, it made many of my colleagues debatable, especially over Copenhagen's discoveries, but I didn't let their opinions stop me from wanting to prove myself. There had to be a way to observe both possibilities. If it can be thought of, it could exist!

That’s when it appeared. The ball. Only it wasn't a sphere anymore, instead of as a long strip of sleek metal, one-sided with a boundary loop. A Mobius strip. It hovered in front of me, a feather in the air. It was calling to me. Urging me. Urging me even as I touched it…

...

It was devoid of germs, bacteria, skin cells, and any cells of any kind. As for its molecular state, it appeared solid, yet formed like liquid, but vanished like gas. The only thing that could indicate it was real was me staring at it, touching its cold surface as I studied it under the microscope. I kept at it all night, even until I called A.J. to tell him I’d be late again for dinner tonight, but would make it up to him by stopping by our Auntie Granna’s in the morning. Morning would come, but the cherry muffins wouldn't be there. Not because of the high demand, but because of the whole location being gone.

I was...perplexed. The entire store was gone from the strip mall, instead, an alley took its place. I must have been seeing things, yet I had plenty of sleep and I had my daily jog in the morning like always. How…?

...

It was in my old high school when I first peered through the lenses of a microscope. The sudden magnification of what appeared to be a nonchalant object, only for it to hold so much more, shapes, structures, and an entire network, astonished me. I wouldn't stop looking through it all day. Even when my friend Maureen yanked me along to our next-period class. Maureen…

That same curiosity, that same rush of blood that boomed in my heart came when I analyzed the Mobius strip in front of me. The reason why it wasn't definitely solid, liquid, or gas was because it was all of them! It was in a perpetual state of three, sometimes one or the other. Almost as if…

The cat. Only when observed, did it collapse into a single state. Until then, it was ever-changing, shifting. I needed to know more. There was nothing on my earth that could shift into different states of matter such as this strip! Even when I discovered its properties, it still appeared to be existent in only my eyes. I tried to show it to Eddy, but even he looked at me weirdly. That didn't stop my curiosity. It only stoked its flame. I forever needed to stoke it. For Maureen…

She was an old friend of mine from high school. If it wasn’t for my intervention, she wouldn't be on this planet anymore. She had an unfair upbringing, parents and cruel teenagers do that. But the curiosity of what life brings in the future intrigued her more than ending her life. At least I convinced her of that. Whenever I feel that urging to know more, I think of her, and send her a text to let her know that I am. I was looking through my phone, ready to do just that, when I noticed her phone number was gone. I tried her social media, a quick message, only to find her Facebook was deleted. Same as her other socials. Even when I dialed her number from memory, it was just a man over the line, living all the way in New Mexico, not in Minneapolis where Mareen was supposed to be, with her husband and two twins who had bright red hair just like her. Where did you go, Maureen?

...

The more I searched into the object, the more I correlated its existence to prove the existence of another thing. My remaining life’s work, upon observing two and more states of possibilities preventing their collapse was closer and closer. The more I learned, the more phone calls to A.J. grew. Late nights, sometimes sleepovers. I knew he understood. He was as passionate about teaching disabled students as I was about discovering quantum states in our observable universe. I knew I’d make it up to him as well. A vacation to Tanzania perhaps?

Yet I had to push him aside, push everything aside, as the Mobius strip that hovered in front of me as I took photographs of it started to change with each flash. A pentagon. A hexagon. Heptagon. Octagon. More and more the metallic substance changed to more complex polygons and the further my questions went. Whenever the headaches came from staring at my desktop screen for too long(even as I documented my discoveries of the strange object on it), I’d sit back and remember. Remember why I was doing this. I could have become a chemist. I could have become an engineer, even a detective, but nothing made me more inquisitive than physics. Professor Richard showed me that. 

While other students dropped out of the class or simply walked out after growing frustrated with the simplifications of equations and chapters in textbooks, I stayed and only grew more in finding my life destiny. Richard saw that. It's why he urged me to apply for places across America, even the world, to study Quantum Mechanics. Like Maureen, sometimes I’d give him a call or text to pick at his mind, hoping to find another piece in my breakthroughs, some of the breakthroughs which lead me to again a gold medal.

I was doing that night. Only the same thing occurred. Professor Richards had no phone number, no social media. Even his wife was a void. “Richards? I don’t believe there is anybody at this residence.”

My hands shook as she said that over the phone. Something shook in my stomach. My curiosity was replaced with something else. I couldn't figure out what yet. Only when I looked at that Strange object, it was now decagonal in shape.

...

It couldn't have. It can't be. Something’s wrong. It was supposed to be another breakthrough. Another call to my sleeping co-workers, to even Eddy, and A.J. only it was the opposite. The Mobius strip-strange object- Mobius object proved to me that there were states of observable alternatives. Alternate states of matter we humans haven't discovered! If each sentient observation by a conscious entity determines the object's state, then who is to say there aren’t any other possibilities-other worlds where the state is different?

The Mobius object is in constant flux, I realize. It is not appearing to others because it is shifting in-between states of reality, of dimensions! Yet somehow I could see it. Why could I see it? How could I make others see it? 

It was a night at home, finally able to rest when I saw it. In my study, on my bookshelf, the Mobius object was dodecagonal now, hovering around me, spinning like the earth around the sun. As it did, I saw what was missing. My award. It was gone. My diploma. I searched my office, illogically around the entire house, even though I would have no reason to move it. But it was gone. My award and my certificate of graduating from Harvard were gone.

...

It’s fear. No. The terror I felt. I am feeling. Even as I typed this on my phone, I could still feel it. The Mobius object appears, and with it, a piece of my life is gone. Not the memories, but actual physical, electronic, even personal evidence of it is gone, blank, poof. I don't know why this is happening. It's all falling apart. I tried to go to the bakery again. Gone. I barely have any contacts on my phone, as my co-workers' cell phone numbers have ceased to exist because I never had them. Even as I went to the research center, walked through the front doors, ready to explain to Eddy why I didn't have my access card, it only got worse.

“State your reason here sir?” he said to me.

“Eddy? It's me Ciman? I just forgot my-”

“I’m sorry sir, but there’s no one here by that name. “

My heart dropped. Even as I tried to explain it, as I tried to wave over co-workers that I knew for five years, it was futile. I still tried, even as I was dragged out of the center by one of my closest friends, tossed away like trash, I still hoped. Still looked forward to this as some joke, prank, or a dream. Maybe a hallucination. Then it appeared. It hovered over me, in my face, too complex to be named but still spinning. And only I could see it.

---

The Many Worlds interpretation. The multiverse. It is real. I’ve proven it. It's so much to explain, but it starts with that object. It’s always following me, watching me. It's fucking mocking me! I thought it was urging me on, only I realize that now it is daring me. I dare you. Keep going. See what happens.

I did. I kept going. Maureen. Professor Richard. Eddy, Aventus Research Center, the Micius Award, college, high school, all of it! Maureen never got past 16. She killed herself. Professor Richard never became a professor, instead of a garbage man in Miami. I never went to college, not even for a bachelor's! I wanted him then. I needed him. I tried to call him. Tried to look for him. I checked our place over and over, up to the point police were called for loitering then breaking and entering. I still have the blood-soaked wraps around my hands. I have no money, no wallet, my phone is gone and I am forced to write this all on some raggedy notepad I got with the last of my change. I am alone now. Nobody remembers me. I still remember them though. I have never felt so low, so much in anguish in my entire life. But was it my life? Why was it taken?

Why was it taken by it?

It watches me. Every minute, hour, and day. I wander now, roaming from shelters, trying not to think of it, trying to ignore it, to believe it doesn't exist. I’ve cut myself so many times to wake myself up from the nightmare that I don't recognize my hands anymore.  It still watches.

---

Naavya and Jaber Basu never had a son. They never even came to the Americas to make a better life for themselves and their young child. No cherry muffin neighbors. No Maureen. No Richards. No research center. No A.J. I can't even remember his face. It's taking away their memories now. That life was the dream and this is reality, the past slipping away until it's ceasing to exist. Reality. If this was reality, then why can't nobody see me. 

How many times have I clapped, yelled, cursed, and walked through people? Not a ghost, but a ghost to a ghost perhaps? Yet it still follows me. It's shaping itself into something. The Mobius object is in the shape of someone. A man. He looks so familiar. I should know him like the back of my husband's hand if only I could remember what he felt like and what he looked like. What was his name? Was it me? No notebook. Only my thoughts. I can't speak out loud as vibrations are only for the living and dead. I don't know what state I am in. I walk now. Or float. Or breeze like the wind?

It still follows me. I feel...empty. The sadness and anger and depression, the despair is...what is despair? I can't even remember emotions now! Oh god! Why? How? It came for me, but why? Was it because I was close? Close to showing the world the truth? That we were never alone? That so many different worlds were out there different earths. Different opportunities, different outcomes. A world free of cancer? A world free from racism, war, even death? A chance at a utopia for our world. World...what is world?

They are gone. Multiverse...multi...mul...oh go…

The only thing I feel...feel. So...so empty…I don't even exis...