Keeping Up with the Olympians, Season One, Episode IV

Olympian Police Department

Case File: 2025-08-25-01

Reporting Officer: Chief Daniel Mulligan, Badge #47

Date of Incident: August 25, 2025

Time of Report: 1531 hours

Location of Incident: Mount Olympus Throne Room, Cloud Level 7

Nature of Incident: Unauthorized Absence; Contact with Mortal; Inter-species Diplomatic Incident

Subject: Athena, Goddess of Wisdom and War

Witnesses: Zeus, King of the Gods; Hera, Queen of the Gods; various Olympian deities and staff (names and testimonies attached separately – Exhibit A)

Narrative: At approximately 0803 hours, on this date, the undersigned received an Amber Alert for Subject Athena. A search was initiated. Given the recent temporal anomaly involving Subject Hermes, the possibility of another involuntary displacement was considered and investigated.

However, a subsequent trace of Subject Athena’s divine signature indicated a concentrated presence on the mortal plane, specifically in the Hollywood, California region.

Upon arrival at the last detected coordinates, Subject Athena was observed in the company of a mortal celebrity, identified as Brad Pitt, and was in a public setting.

Subject Athena exhibited a high degree of non-compliance upon being located and a visible reluctance to return to Mount Olympus. Upon escorting Subject Athena to the Throne Room, a verbal altercation ensued between the Subject and her father, His Majesty Zeus.

Subject Athena, upon questioning, became agitated, accusing His Majesty Zeus of hypocrisy regarding his own extensive history of mortal entanglements.

She specifically referenced numerous previous incidents, including but not limited to the Leda affair, the Danae incident, and even the highly notable incident involving a transformation into a Bos Taurus, a mortal bovine, to pursue a mortal.

The aforementioned references were deemed highly inappropriate and disruptive to the chain of command.

The confrontation was brought to an end by the intervention of Queen Hera, who ordered Subject Athena to be confined to her temple for a period of no less than three weeks for disciplinary purposes.

This investigation is now closed pending the Subject’s completion of said disciplinary period.

End of Report

***

Olympian Times

Headline: WISDOM GODDESS GONE WILD! ATHENA CAUGHT WITH MORTAL ICON!

By Lisa Frank

Olympian Times Senior Correspondent

Mount Olympus is embroiled in another scandal, and this time, it’s not about lightning bolts or lost messengers.

The latest celestial drama involves our very own Goddess of Wisdom, Athena, who has reportedly been found after a brief disappearance—in the company of mortal heartthrob, Brad Pitt!

Athena, who vanished without a word, was located on the mortal plane by an official search party. Sources close to the incident say she was looking “perfectly blissful” with the Hollywood legend.

The goddess was reportedly escorted back to Olympus, where a heated exchange with her father, Zeus, unfolded.

But what caused this divine detour?

According to one source with a penchant for water and fish, it may have been a romantic escape. The source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, described Mr. Pitt as having an “uncanny resemblance” to a certain fiery Greek hero. “It’s like Achilles moved to Hollywood, took a shower, and joined the Screen Actors Guild,” the source was overheard quipping.

King Zeus, reportedly furious, attempted to lecture his daughter on the responsibilities of being a god, but our sources say Athena was having none of it.

She reportedly fired back with a verbal volley that included pointed references to Zeus’ own extensive history of… shall we say, “extracurricular” activities with mortals, and even an instance of inter-species transformation.

The confrontation left the Throne Room in an uncomfortable silence, with even Queen Hera reportedly taken aback by the frankness of the exchange.

As of press time, Athena is reportedly grounded in her temple for the next three weeks.

This is a developing story. The Olympian Times will continue to provide updates, including whether the gods will ever manage to have a quiet week.

End of Article

***

August 25th

Dear Diary,

Ugh. Seriously. I knew this was too perfect to last.

I couldn’t take it anymore, you know? The constant noise and the drama. The marshmallow shortage and the whole, like, Achilles butt-grabbing fiasco. It was all SO lame.

So, I just, like, vanished. What was Dad going to do? Get mad at me for doing what Hermes does all the time? PUH-LEEZ.

I spent the last few days on the mortal plane, and it was, like, pure bliss. I was just hanging out with Brad Pitt! OMG! He looks SO much like Achilles! SO HOT!

But he’s SO smart and funny, and SO not at all like that pathetic, butt-grabbing, drama-queen. He doesn’t try to paw me or leer at me like I’m some piece of meat. Brad was, like, the perfect gentleman. A little disappointing. Almost. ;-)

Anyway, Brad actually listens when you talk, and he’s not obsessed with himself. It was a flawless escape plan, and it was going SO well.

And then Dad, of course, had to ruin everything.

He showed up with his whole entourage, acting like I was some lost pet, and dragged me back here. SO embarrasing!

He had the audacity to lecture me about divine responsibility?! He has no right! He doesn’t get it. He has, like, a million kids with mortals!

He gets to run off and do whatever he wants, turn himself into a bull or a shower of gold (EW!), and no one cares. But when I, like, literally just wanted to talk to a nice guy for five minutes, I get grounded? WTH?!

He doesn’t understand what it’s like to have to be SO perfect all the time. He thinks his messes are just “adventures,” but mine are a “scandal.” SO unfair.

Then STEP “mommy-dearest”, like, stuck her bony nose in where it didn't belong and grounded me for, like, FORE... EV... ER! SO NOT FAIR!

She never punished Dad for his “extracurricular” activities! In fact, she never, like, did ANYTHING to Dad. Why am I, like, SO special?! She’s ALWAYS hated me!

Now, I’m, like, back in my stupid room. Grounded. Trapped. For the next THREE weeks! SO LAME!

I guess it’s back to marshmallow-gate and dealing with clueless heroes. Ugh.

All I want is a normal life and Brad. If only for the weekend. Is that too much to ask?

Later,

Athena (The goddess who was so close to a perfect life, but got caught)

P.S.- Immortal news is, like, SO fake. They’re all over the place!

Like today's reports from Oz, saying the Wicked Witch of the West is dead. AS IF!

I know for a FACT, she’s alive and well… and married to my Dad! Ugh.