The Phone Call

“Are you going to get a real job now, Johnny? Catherine knows a woman who knows a man looking for another salesman.”

“I'm a writer, mom.”

“You told me you just finished your book, Johnny. Catherine says Freddy says the job at the insurance company pays really well. Once you have a good number of clients, anyway.”

“But mom, . . .”

“Listen to me, Johnny. Selling anything pays good money. Except accordion lessons. Remember when you went around the neighborhood trying to sell accordion lessons? That didn't pay well at all.”

“I think I remember Freddy now. Doesn't he work for an insurance company?”

“That's right, car insurance. And with insurance, you get free coverage, according to Freddy. Or at least major discounts. For Regressive, or Any State – one of those big companies you see ads for all the time. You might even get to be on TV, Johnny.”

“But mom, . . .”

“Don't you 'But mom' me, young man. You've been playing around with that writing hobby of yours long enough. I just bet you Kristy's tired of being the only breadwinner in your house. What does she have to say about all this?”

“Kristy's excited, mom. And so am I. The Publisher . . .”

“What? Publisher's Clearing House? Don't tell me you won the jackpot! That puts everything in a totally different light.”

“But mom, . . .”

“You should get a real job anyway. Put your winnings in a savings account, or a CD or something. Save it for a house, for kids, for the future. Is Kristy there? I want to tell her what you should do with all that money.”

“We didn't win the sweepstakes, mom.”

“What? Then why did you bring it up? You should still be saving money. How are you going to save money by just making stuff up and writing it down?”

“But mom, . . .”

“Listen, Johnny. Just the other day we found out our insurance company is raising their rates again. They do that all the time. Why just last year, after your father had that accident, they went up. And again this year, after I got that speeding ticket. It's highway robbery. With all those raises they can afford to pay well. Should I tell Freddy you'll call him?”

“I don't want to sell insurance, mom. Besides . . .”

“Besides nothing, young man. Put Kristy on the phone. I'll bet she'll understand what I'm trying to tell you. She's good with money. You never did keep anything you earned from your paper route. Let me talk to Kristy. Is she there?”

“But mom, . . .”

“Is Kristy there or not? Well, tell her I'm going to call Catherine, and she's going to call Freddy, and Freddy's going to call you, and ”

“Mom, I want to tell you something.”

“Oh, no! Is it something bad? Did something happen to Kristy? Are you two fighting? Please tell me you're not going to leave that wonderful, sweet girl. Why would you do that? Can I talk to Kristy, and find out what's really going on?”

“But mom, . . .”

“She's not there, is she? She walked out on you, because all you did was sit around and make stuff up. I'm not sure writing it down even counts for anything. I'll call her cell phone, that's what I'll do. Just you wait 'til she and I talk, young man.”

“No mom, she didn't walk out, we're not fighting and I'm trying to tell you what's really going on. Believe me, it's good news, and you want to hear it.”

“Bless my soul, she's pregnant! When is she due? Is she eating right? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Wait 'til I tell you dad. He'll be the proudest grandpa ever. FRANK! Come in here, FRANK!”

“But mom, . . .”

“Just a second, let me get my calendar. Then you can tell me that due date again, and we'll make travel plans. Oh, I really need to talk to Kristy now. I don't suppose you know if she wants me there a month before the birth to help out? Or should I wait? Maybe I can even get Freddy to come out with us and show you the ropes. You're really going to need a job once Kristy has a baby to take care of.”

“Kristy's not pregnant, mother. I want to tell you about . . .”

“She's not pregnant? Then why did you get me all excited about that, with good news I want to hear? Are you two trying to get pregnant? Please tell me you are. Are both of you OK?”

“But mom, . . .”

“Are you seeing a doctor to find out if you can even have children? I mean if Kristy can, of course, but can you make children? Is everything all right down there?”

“We're both capable of making babies, mom. Would you please just let me get a word in . . .”

“What do you think I've been doing, son? But I have to tell you how frustrating it is. Every time I pause to let you talk you start down the garden path, lead me astray, and then . . .”

“But mom, . . .”

“Now see what you've done. You're father's here, all excited for nothing. Here Frank, see if you can get the boy to talk sense.”

“Hi, Johnny. How's the book coming?”

“Hey, dad. I just finished it. And I was trying to tell mom . . .”

“Did you hear Johnny, sweetheart? He finished his book.”

“But dad, . . .”

“You know your mother, Johnny. She's really happy for you. We both are. But you know what would make her really happy? If you went out and got a real job. You know, one that pays you money, with benefits and all that.”

“Writing pays, dad. I just finished my book, and . . .”

“Sure, if you sell any copies writing can pay. Or if you sell movie rights or something like that. But even then you don't get medical, or dental, or vision, or . . .”

“But dad, . . .”

“What is it, son? Speak up; we don't have all day, you know, even though we are retired.”

“It's already a best seller, dad. I sold over 23,000 advance copies.”

“WHAT? Why didn't you say so in the first place? HONEY, our Johnny is a best selling author!”