The Balinese Honeymoon

“I can’t believe you didn’t bring the entire atlas.” 

“Well, I didn’t plan to end up here, Nancy. I pulled out the pages that mattered for our trip.” 

“But if you’re going to bring some pages, you might as well bring the whole thing! Clearly, the unexpected can happen.” 

“When we talk about the unexpected, I was thinking about an extra glass of wine at dinner, not a plane crash.” 

“Our travel guide says to plan for side excursions…” 

“Again, he meant a jaunt into the countryside, not barely surviving in a jungle with five strangers and howler monkeys. Besides, could you determine where we are from an atlas alone?” 

“No, dear, you would use things like the stars and the… oh the moss on trees and whatnot.” 

“I had forgotten your astronomy experience was so vast you could navigate the opposite side of the globe from stars.” 

“These poor people are looking to us for leadership, Dan. Look at them, so lost and afraid. We’re the only ones with sense!” 

“No, I am decidedly lost and afraid as well. And you might be delusional.” 

“Would a delusional woman have packed this many granola bars? We’ll be fine as long as we can navigate our way out of here.” 

“The bug spray doesn’t seem to work against mosquitos of this size.” 

“Surely someone knows we’re missing. We were supposed to land in Denpasar hours ago. They’ll come looking for us. But this is an island! We just need to walk to the ocean and then follow the shore!” 

“Speak for yourself, lady. I think my leg is broken!” 

“Oh, hush, my husband and I are trying to figure out how to save us all.” 

“You and your husband can go to hell. We’re dying here and the sooner you come to terms with that the better.” 

“See, this is exactly what I was hoping to avoid if you had only brought the atlas!” 

“Nancy, you can’t lead people who don’t want to be led with an atlas you don’t have.” 

“Stop saying my name like I’m a child. Why am I being treated like a pariah simply because I have hope!” 

“Perhaps your hope should read the room… or read the jungle for that matter.” 

“Dear, you are sweaty. Perhaps you should find some shade.” 

“Shade won’t change the sheer exhaustion of trying to stay alive with shrapnel in my chest.” 

“You… what?” 

“I love you, Nancy. But you haven’t noticed the blood?” 

“I assumed it wasn’t yours.” 

“Whose was it then?” 

“I don’t know. The gentleman who died earlier?” 

“If I die here, would you please not let our last words to each other be about a damn atlas?” 

“Dan, you aren’t dying here. It doesn’t even look very serious. You just need to take deep breaths and…” 

“That’s exactly what I’m struggling to do, Nance.” 

“Well, you still can’t die on our honeymoon. You made me wait thirty years for my honeymoon and this isn’t how it will end.” 

“I am trying to do that. But you may have to wait for thirty more for the next trip.” 

“That can be negotiated. Do you hear that? Oh! Oh, do you hear the sound of a helicopter? They’ve come looking for us! Of course, they have! Everyone who is able should jump up and down! Wave your arms, draw attention to ourselves!” 

“You look a loon, lady.” 

“Obviously your leg is broken, I don’t expect this of you.” 

“They’ll see the crash pattern in the trees, they don’t need our jumping.” 

“Excellent point… uh, what is your name?” 

“It took you five hours to think to ask. I’m Kellan. And my father is the gentleman who died earlier.” 

“Dreadfully sorry about that. This is a tragedy for all of us.” 

“Yeah.” 

“And certainly a lesson about choosing pilots and private planes with more discretion.” 

“Nancy…” 

“What? We must learn what we can from our harrowing circumstances. Oh dear… the sounds of that chopper are growing faint. Do you think they’re leaving us?” 

“More likely they don’t have a place to land.” 

“They have those little ladders though that we can climb up.” 

“Give it a rest, lady. Make peace with your God or eat a granola bar or something, just stop talking for a while.” 

“They’ll come back. They know we’re here. We simply have to wait it out. And stay alive, obviously. Everyone should eat something. Especially you, Dan. You get so grumpy when you’re hungry.” 

“I get pretty grumpy with metal lodged in my chest too.” 

“I haven’t observed that before today.” 

“Have you got any granola bars with chocolate?” 

“Unfortunately not. These are all peanut butter and some yogurt.” 

“I’ll pass then, I only like the chocolate ones.”

“This is no time to be picky, young man. You look like the adventurous sort, surely you’ve eaten brain and hoof and all manner of odd foods.” 

“Not really. I mean, I’ve traveled everywhere, but I’m more interested in local drugs than cuisine.” 

“Yes, I rather picked up on that from the smell of you at the airport.” 

“I think I still have some joints if anyone wants some?” 

“Heavens no… oh, I suppose you all want to be high as a kite when we’re rescued. My granola bars will be much more appealing after a few huffs I suppose.” 

“Nancy, I think I would like to smoke if you don’t mind. For the pain.” 

“You’re certainly allowed to do what you please, Dan. But if you fail a drug test and they don’t let you back in the country that is your problem.” 

“They don’t drug test you to get back into the country.” 

“They should. Miscreants of all sorts… I believe I hear a helicopter again!” 

“Uh lady, I think you should stop jumping around and sit with your husband. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.” 

“Dan! Darling! Can you hear me? You went so pale. Are you alright dear?” 

“I think he’s lost too much blood.” 

“No, no it's not all his. He’s going to be fine. He’s just hot. Dan, please dear, this is why I didn’t want you to smoke.” 

“He didn’t take a puff. Just laid down like that.” 

“He still has a pulse. I love you, Dan. This is a beautiful honeymoon. I’m sorry I griped so much for thirty years. I love our children and our house and our life. I never needed a trip really. Dan, darling. Please Dan… oh bother I’m going to cry.” 

“You’re allowed to cry, but don’t squeeze me so tight.” 

“Dan! Dan, you’re alright!” 

“No, I am not. I passed out. I’m probably dying, Nancy.” 

“Stop that negative talk… he’s passed out again. But we’re about to be saved. They’ll take him to a hospital and he’ll be alright.” 

“You’ve noticed you’re injured too, haven’t you lady?” 

“Merely scratches. Souvenirs for the story we’ll tell when we get home.” 

“I suppose my dead dad is a souvenir as well.” 

“Of course not. Don’t be crass. I can see it! I see the chopper! They’ve got us in their sights now!” 

“Nancy…” 

“Dan?” 

“Tell our children…” 

“Tell them yourself, you dramatic fool.”