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Fiction Funny Holiday

Birmingham Bikes, the most trusted bicycle for children ages 3-9 years old, is ready to revolutionize the process of learning how to ride. Our cutting-edge Invisible Training Wheels (patent pending) are ready for prime time after years of research and safety testing. All the safety features of standard training wheels but made of space-age transparent plexiglass composite. No need to be ashamed if you’re not quite comfortable on two wheels yet. Fake it ‘til you make it with Birmingham Bikes! #InvisibleTrainingWheels #BBikes

Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you. Unless those words are ‘Don’t you know how to ride without training wheels yet?’” Never hear that awful question again with invisible training wheels. Now you can avoid the pain of falling off your bike without worrying about the emotional agony of being teased. Available for sale at your local bike shop now. #TrainingWheelsWithSoul #StopBullying #BBikes

Worried about winding up a bit wobbly without four wheels? Skittish about sliding to the soil without suitable stabilizers? Birmingham Bikes is bringing home the bacon!  Ask for our invisible training wheels. Now available on all our 2021 models! #SeeThroughStabilizers #BBikes

Ride smooth. Ride safe. Ride stylishly. You can have all three with Birmingham Bikes. Now equipped with invisible training wheels for the height of high-tech transportation. #SmoothSafeStylish #InvisibleTrainingWheels #BBikes

April Fools! We hope you all got a good guffaw out of our invisible training wheels! Unfortunately, our technology hasn’t quite caught up with our imaginations. The best solution for avoiding your friends seeing you cruising around with training wheels is learning to ride without them! Until then, Birmingham Bikes offers a full range of training wheels (visible ones, sadly) on all our bicycles from 12 inches up to 20 inches. The support can easily be removed with a simple hex wrench when you’re ready. #AprilFools #BBikes

Birmingham Bikes would like to clarify and repeat our previous release. All posts about invisible training wheels were part of an April Fool’s Joke. There are no such things as invisible training wheels. If your little rider still requires training wheels, please use them for his or her safety. Do not assume training wheels are already attached but somehow invisible, and allow your child to ride on two wheels before he or she is ready. #BBikes #AprilFools #ItWasJustAJoke

WARNING: There are no such things as Invisible Training Wheels. We repeat that the invisible training wheels mentioned in earlier posts and since picked up by several major media outlets was a prank. We made them up.  Please do not ask for this item in stores, and more importantly, DO NOT ASSUME YOUR PURCHASE IS ALREADY EQUIPPED WITH SUCH A PRODUCT. #ImportantInformation #PleaseRead #SafetyFirst #AprilFools #BBikes 

Any customers who have purchased a bicycle from Birmingham Bikes in the last 48 hours with a valid receipt can claim a free pair of training wheels. These will be visible, traditional, and proven safe. Please do not rely on any promises you may have read or heard about intangible products. These claims were false and for humorous purposes only. We trust this will clear up any confusion or ill-will towards the company or its bikes. #FreeTrainingWheels #VisibleTrainingWheels #PleaseFollowSafetyInstructions

We would like to extend our offer of free training wheels to anyone who has purchased a Birmingham Bike in the past calendar year.  A valid receipt is no longer needed. Simply bring the bike to any local vendor to redeem this offer.  We will also happily include a free helmet, as well as knee and elbow protectors.  Please take us up on this amazing offer.  #MoreFreeStuff #SafetyIsPriceless #InvisibleTrainingWheelsAren’tReal

Bicycle riders who fail to take proper safety precautions can risk contusions, concussions, broken bones, road rash, and other injuries.  These are no laughing matter.  If you have been injured in a bike crash or fall, please seek medical treatment as necessary.  #ProtectYourselves #FreeSafetyGear #PreservingGoodHealth

The media outlets that continue to incorrectly report that Birmingham Bikes are being sold with invisible training wheels are being irresponsible and unprofessional.  Please do your own research and fact-checking.  We have repeatedly explained that this was merely an April Fool’s Prank and no such product exists.  We bear no responsibility for any harm that results from consumers who are injured due to sloppy and frankly dangerous reporting.  #QualityJournalism #CheckYourFacts #FakeNews

RECALL NOTICE: All bicycles manufactured by Birmingham Bikes for children (following SKUs: 1198, 1199, 2043, 2044) are to be immediately returned to the manufacturer or a licensed retailer. There have been multiple reports of injuries due to misuse or improper safety precautions. #BikeRecall #ThoughtsAndPrayers #ThisIsWhyWeCan’tHaveNiceThings

To our retail partners: please cease all Birmingham Bikes' sales immediately. This includes all child and adult models, as well as any associated accessories. We cannot be held responsible for injuries due to a nationwide misunderstanding. The company will issue further instructions on when sales can resume when more information becomes available. #HowDidItComeToThis?

PEOPLE, PLEASE TRY TO USE SOME LOGIC! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN INVISIBLE TRAINING WHEEL! USE YOUR SENSE OF TOUCH TO CONFIRM THAT THE BIKE HAS TRAINING WHEELS BEFORE PLACING YOUR CHILD ON IT! #COMMONSENSE #PLEASE #WE’REBEGGINGYOU

Are we being pranked? Is that what this is? Why are you all not listening to us? Don’t you care about the safety of your children? #SurrealMoments #TwilightZone #BizzaroWorld 

With great regret, we must inform our loyal customers and partners that Birmingham Bikes will be ceasing operations, effective immediately. If you need to file a claim against the corporation, please contact our bankruptcy trustee. Our hearts and prayers go out to those who have been affected and injured by our unintentional actions. #ThanksFor58GreatYears #RideOn

All inventory and trademarks of Birmingham Bikes will be sold at auction next month.  Please note that there is no lot number associated with any unsold inventory of invisible training wheels.  You know why?  Yeah, that’s right.  #AskAgainAndIWillShankYou

Need a brand you can trust?  Try Cindy’s Cycles. Now with permanent and obvious training wheels that cannot be removed under any circumstances. Safety above all. #Cindy’sCycles #TangibleTrainingWheels #NoRelationToBBikes

March 30, 2021 19:47

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2 comments

Ash Jarvis
19:19 Apr 07, 2021

I love how this story snowballs—you did an amazing job crafting a hilarious story from a series of corporate tweets. My favorite bits were the hashtags, and #AskAgainandIWillShankYou made me laugh out loud. Great job with the prompt!

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Adam Schwartz
22:42 Apr 08, 2021

Thanks, Ash. I'm glad you liked it! This was a fun one to write.

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