Unsure Love- A Never-Ending Tale

"I kept on trying, struggling, years after years", still a sign of no success. Deep down in my thoughts, "Will I ever be able to decipher"? Upon getting no answers but numbness all over. I stared out of the window and watched the waves of the sea. It was calm, composed, and balanced as if assuaging after a long battle. The sun was tranquilizing with its golden shadows subsiding on the water surface. I was dead sure that the miracle will happen one day but the surroundings were quiet. I sat down on the couch and started watching the television and kept on navigating with the channels but could not stop thinking. Although it wasn’t an ancestral custom or habit within my family, though, I knew I had it in me, however, tussled to win over the art. 

“The passion to manifest the thoughts, expressions, feelings, emotions of my mind delve deep onto the paper and present it to the world in the form of articles, research paper, stories, and journals” an evolution that crystallized my mind at an early stage of my growth. From an early kindergarten stage until I reached teen, I pushed myself hard enough and left no stone unturned and kept on skimming through every possible publication on the web and otherwise to get myself accustomed to improve my writing and communication skills. In an unrest position, from dawn to dusk, I used to end up sitting at the school and college libraries for hours to fulfill this dream. I started writing short versions of poems and stories and tried helping with school plays. My school and college friends and even office colleagues use to consider it as poor, flimsy, shallow, illogical, lackluster, broken, and monstrous manuscripts. Initially, it lowered my confidence and I felt awful. I turned down all my hopes and zeal into fiery flames and decided never to try again.

Any journey in life isn’t an easy piece of cake but brings along the mesmerizing and inspirational memories that open doors to success. “Sharing momentum's, expressions, gestures, mood-swings, and feelings through writing and communication skills is an art that sets in motion a new beginning”, He came like a strong wind and disappeared like a ghost. I stood dumbfounded for a point in time without realizing that I was supposed to return to my hotel for dinner where other group members and friends were waiting. That moment of whispered words from someone, whom I do not know was magical and my body was gushing with goosebumps and butterflies all over my stomach. My ears were dying to hear a similar pattern but I could not see that flash of light. My heart was racing against time in search of that voice. 

 The next evening, I was relaxing near the pool and was busy reading Sydney Sheldon's novel while on the trip to Europe and an identical power of speech zapped me again. Stunned and perplexed, I tried to swallow the shadow of a young handsome man, a short height, having deep brown eyes color of dark chocolate sprinkled with flecks of hazelnut, fair complexion, seductive red lips, and magnificent persona was holding two red wine glasses just behind me. With slow vocal cords, he seeks permission to sit down on the bench nearby. In a stammering voice, I said, yes, please. I was enticed with his charming personality, sharp features, and rational statement, “I guess you did not recognize me, I am one of the travelers from the same group.” He was a familiar face but maybe I didn’t notice. I pretended to be assertive in my approach and apologized for not being able to remember. He calmly came closer and said, “Your unleash desire to become a pronounced writer from the high school is still a mystery”, and handed over a few pieces of crushed paper which he found lying under the bus seat in which we were carried and said, “this belongs to you”. I took a glance and found the wrinkled pages from my diary regarding the depressed ideas of aborting my writing mission. I immediately jumped off my chair and said, “Daniel”!! We got parted away for higher studies after high school. We hugged each other and spoke for a long duration. I was totally tantalized after hearing his short and crisp introduction of being a fanatical artist and how he grounded his long nights to accomplish victory was a masterstroke. I was totally anesthetized in a span of time and narrated my story. His killing smile was nothing more than an arrow that punctured across my heart. That night was beautiful but was also the end of our voyage and it was time to be back to our pavilion. People part away with heavy heart however their hopes never die. Similar was my case. The magnetism effect was still active. I never wanted to let him go off from my inner self just as ensuring not to keep a child away from her mother. I vaguely discern that I have become besotted towards this cute looking guy who turned out to be my high school lover whose presence and inspiring words make me feel the warmth. Being closer to someone is always a fear which is as close to having insecurity of losing that personality from your life.

The hopes all dried up, seasons slipped by and it was almost two and a half years that I have not heard from him. My emotions were coming off and my intention to start my practice was dying when on a Sunday evening, the telephone rang with an unknown number and the reminiscences of that night crossed my mind. He apologized for not being able to connect as he was drifting from one country to another due to the hefty workload. He finally screamed at the top of his intensive voice, “India for good".” Although hearing that part, I jumped on my feet and wished to cheer with excitement, though, I restrained. I was waiting in my car to capture that enthralling moment with lots of jumbled thoughts running my mind. My heartbeat was making heavy noises like thunder clouds as if I am going to see my soul again after almost two and a half years. I was spellbound looking at a sober-looking handsome personality with big mustaches and beard, a good build, running down the stairs looking for me. I came out of my car, greeted him with a wide hug. 

We sat down for nearly five and a half hours at the nearest café coffee day and discussed the art of writing. His soft little advice and his charismatic effects kept my smile awakened all the time. The ideas to think like a poet, spend evenings and late-night looking for and counting stars, talking about the moon, keeping an array of analogies in hand, setting a writing goal, reading aloud, honing the editing style, proofreading, plagiarism checker, working on the knowledge of applying hypothesis and interpretation and presentation of results via SPSS software for research papers were the activities that transformed my personality into a successful writer. Gushing through a series of new vocabulary, watching English episodes, BBC channel, and articulation of language was another good experience that I learned from him. Those three months span was a turning point wherein my mentation was remodeled and a new sense of life was injected within me.

December embarked on the beginning of winter season full of chilly cold winds. Guess what, my heart signaled his presence around me. I still remember that I went for an interview and messaged him that will pick him up on my way back from his office, He agreed. I reached earlier than the decided time and almost ended up waiting for two hours in that chilly cold weather. My constant calls and messages were not answered. My rage had taken a rise and I decided to see him that night at any cost. Not knowing any of his ware-bouts, I still made it a point to reach his house finally. I have rung the doorbell and there he was standing in his pajamas staring at me completely shocked. I glanced a quick look at him and he was still looking hot and handsome and my heart started palpitating. The thought that hit my mind that he was a bar of melted creamy chocolate and I can swallow it quickly before it liquefies. Though I have to stop myself getting distracted and I guess I managed well. I entered and not sure what made me yelled at him like the way I have never done before. I took a deep sigh of relief after I finished and requested a glass of water. His reaction was swift and unequivocal. I couldn’t believe my ears when he said, “I am sorry, it slipped my mind”. Upon listening to the phrase, I left immediately in anger.

Life is like a flow of the river, it typically sways through deep turns and curves, and the rapid appears out of nowhere. Nearly 3 years were over and it seems like no turning back. One odd day, while sitting on my couch, I encountered a name on my phone which seemed quite fascinating. Without further thinking, I sent a random message saying, “Hi Daniel, how are you?” Just exactly after an hour and four minutes down the line, a reply came back, “Anna”? It seems like life wishes to smile again. From here, life took a fast track turn and started moving swiftly. We decided to meet and went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a breathtaking evening. He ordered his favorite curd and lemon rice and I was happy to stick to chapatti and cheese. After finishing our meal, we decided to take a walk and end up eating butterscotch ice-cream. While we were enjoying the stupendous evening in my car, I end up saying, “Daniel, I am in love”. I looked at his jittery movements. In a very low volume, he asked, you swear that it’s not me? I kept mum, smiled, and started driving. My silence was louder than my unspoken words but couldn’t find the courage to say yes. This was the first time when I actually felt that I am on cloud 9 and everything around me is so appealing. Spending time with him was as good as listening to bedtime fairy tale stories and meeting your prince charming. His expressions, advice, ignorance, talks makes me laugh even when he was not around.  

Meeting up another night was a little disaster. He faked his engagement to test my reaction. He got engaged to a lady in his hometown (found by his sister) and I was speechless. Though, he only knew her for the last 3 months. He specifically made me notice wearing a beautiful golden color watch with a black dial around his wrist which was a gift for his engagement and a small little copper band in his left hand. Another curiosity or muddling observation arouse doubts when I saw him wearing his engagement band on the fourth finger of the left hand. On top, his statements that “he is all open and is looking,” sounds very contradictory. I still congratulated him for the same but was not convinced. His mysterious looks and smile were quite beguiling.

The best time of my life arrived at the weekend when I was able to see him again. I brought him home and was extremely happy to cook for him and serve. The moment he touched the guitar strings and started playing, I fell in love with him. I felt that I am blessed with the most precious gem of the world, I have always been waiting for and I have been told to keep it safe. The spur of the moment got a little heated up. We lost little control knowing the fact that I am with the one, whom I always wanted to be with! But I never wanted to stop. When he started caressing, I felt like two hundred and forty volts of electric current running down my body and I was hypnotized. His arms enveloped me into a hug. I kept my eyes tightly shut as the thousand sensations rippled through my system- the softness of his full lips, the rasp of his unshaven face, the scent of some leftover spicy aftershave, the feel of being in my man’s arms. He leaned forward, as though he was seeking approval, and this time, we kissed each other passionately. It was the sensuous and best moment of my life.

Days are like ups and downs in life. If one day feeds you with happy times, the other day may make you sad completely or vice a versa. We decided to meet up the very next day. We went for a long drive and had spoken a lot. The day when I decided to remain calm and let him take over the stage. We finally concluded the journey of the day by confessing our feelings to each other where he had already set a boundary around him with a no-entry area and “never going to happen” tagline. But no reason to defend these statements because this was something very personal to his prerogatives. Well, “he would still love to stay as good friends with me” was an unsurpassed statement.

Memories are almost like a box of sweets. Once opened, will never be able to fulfill lust just by having only one sweet. He was that one piece of confectionery from a decorative box of chocolate that left a fresh fragrance of air that came into my life over and over and again and again. Though the time spent with him and the learnings I had, granted me success. My play write-up was accepted and my papers were published in the international journal including a few articles in the newsletter. I just felt like asking once, “what’s in for me, or why me?” Though, I never got my answers. Maybe, he was the one my life was waiting for, maybe not! There are lots of ifs, but’s, may and might. Maybe the story was yet to be continued. No one knows how, when, and where to start from, with my high school lover?