Checking out our past and future.

Just a little indelicate sex stuff.

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A slightly dispirited Maximilian Ubanz climbed back into his time-machine and headed for 1950. He wanted a Western world that was full of hope for the future. One that had suffered the deprivations of a world-war and had vowed, mistakenly again, as it turned out, that it was the war to end all wars. But he loved that hope.

He thought he would linger here for a few years until the freedom movement of flowers and free-loving with the pill, turned to shit. Then he’d explore a little more. But first, he would let loose his genius brain on coming up with a solution for old age, or better still, increasing life-expectancy a few-fold.

Within a year he had solved the problem using someone else’s brain, he ducked up to the future and swanned around the rejuvenation laboratories and purloined their formulas for his own ends. Whoever put this playing field in existence for us knew what they were doing. For it was a combination of herbs and common substances that perfectly suited the body and rejuvenated it within a period of six months. He was young again.

Maximilian relaxed in his newly orchestrated body and savoured the thought that he could explore at leisure when a disquieting realisation emerged. Here he was at present languishing in comparative comfort and safety, but it was here, not necessarily there. Many of the there’s were anything but comfortable and safe, he needed to trip again to the future.

For some reason, there was absolutely no indication that time-travel was known in this 2500 era and suspected that that may have something to do with him. He utilised its absence by bringing in a commodity that just didn’t exist there at this time, real coffee. The roasted beans sold at a premium with no questions asked and with the barter principle he was able to secure materials that were truly impervious to bullets, swords and even fire and were almost undetectable unless by close scrutiny. He felt much more confident to venture into the less enlightened ages with regard to human welfare.

The material had to be fashioned into the close-fitting skin-tight costume by way of a special electronic apparatus for that purpose. It folded around him as he placed it touching his body and sealed him in. It breathed and kept his body to a comfortable temperature and allowed him to filter out even poisonous fumes. He felt licenced to explore, and certainly safer than those who travelled the dangerous highways of the past.

One thing that had always intrigued Maximilian was how the pyramids of Egypt were built but was thwarted by the inability of his machine to travel back the hundreds of thousands of years to their construction. At least he was able to dismiss the ludicrous claims of burial resting places for Pharaohs. But he loved the idea of the Egyptian culture of that time but was loathe to embrace it as he suspected the reality would bring him down to earth. It did.

Another aspect of humankind’s irrationality was the vilification of Jews and more. He thought he would probe before J.Cs. time as the Egyptians were giving them stick way before he appeared on the scene. Maximilian had to delve one thousand years before J.C. to get an idea of what started the ball rolling.

He found there was a small bunch of very stroppy people that were often getting offside with Egyptian authorities as they were always asking questions. Rather like the English of today, their enunciated speech tended to be haphazard and indistinct. They became known as Jews to the Egyptians by their mashing of the questioning, “Did you?” as “Djew?” As the Egyptians had great difficulty hearing the consonant D they heard the one syllable, Jew and as it was quicker to say than Hebrew, conservation of energy ruled for the common usage.

Although there was a sort of accommodation for these outsiders that thought they were ‘God’s’ gift to humanity, the Egyptians tolerated them as long as they were not riding around in the Egyptian’s chariots. Then they would be pulled over and often pummelled or shot by an early form of a crossbow. They were few in number, but one, known as 'Isaac of the Dunes.’ Having been beaten by the flat of the sword, vowed revenge; and revenge where it hurt, in this bloodline obsessed theocratic monarchy.

Before a Pharaoh takes a ‘Great Royal Wife’ the consummation is witnessed by other ‘nobles’ of the palace and satisfaction must be guaranteed by both parties with no faking. Eunuchs are employed to bring the ‘GRW’ into a state where she could be said to be ‘Begging for it’ and this is where ‘Isaac of the Dunes’ would seek to bring humiliation upon the Egyptian royalty.

Isaac, for short, was a very clever fellow and he feigned and brought ingratiation into a fine art form and correspondingly tolerated around the Royal Headquarters. Before the Royal Wedding Day, he had secreted himself in the Royal Bedchamber many hours earlier and waited. He was able to peek and listen to the Royal Eunuchs having a frustrating time for them warming up the ‘GRW’ and then departing to allow the Pharaoh to complete the deflowering procedure to cries of passion. Isaac knew he was sacrificing himself for the team, came out of his hiding place and did the consummation job for the young now rampant stallion of a Pharaoh.

What Isaac didn’t take into account was that the GRW had her eyes closed and didn't recognise the intruder was not her new husband. Throughout the encounter she had wrapped her arms and legs around him so she could get more. Poor Isaac, well fucked, but fucked in another sense; he couldn’t escape.

Isaac certainly took one for the team, but the Egyptians took him apart gradually but finally. The Pharaoh decreed that henceforth the Jew, because he could pronounce it, would be known as the ‘cast-outs’ of society to be vilified and generally crapped upon from a great height. Cleopatra, Maximilian found, also echoed this condemnation against the Jews but wasn’t sure whether or not she had a little bit of Isaac’s blood in her as she often felt like getting into mischief.

Maximilian felt a little let down that such a small peccadillo had led to historical maltreatment of a race of people. He could, of course, be wrong. Further exploration was needed. He also could warn Isaac of the possible dire consequences of his dipping his wick where he shouldn’t, but wisdom usually comes after the event. 

He decided to leave history as it is for now, he didn’t want to take the chance of ‘rubbing’ himself out of existence. Certainly not now that he expected to go on for two or three hundred years. He decided, for a change, to forage far into the future, and then he had a shock, he was known a thousand years hence.

 Maximilian Ubanz was known by the academics as the man who saved their world. Maximilian had been in full regalia and receiving an award for his foresight in enabling the world to beat off the aliens that sought to invade when he slipped and fell on the stage. But, however, he was more broadly known by the public as Maxy, the guy who fell on his arse and split his pants and with legs akimbo showing the whole congratulating world his magnificent ‘kit of tools.’