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Funny Western Horror

He stood before the pile of his wife’s cooking and poked some onto a fork, then after pulling a fly off the end with his teeth he spat it in the direction of the setting sun. The fly did not move as it hit the ground, there was a good chance it was knocked out.


The man listened intently for irregular sounds, tonight could be the night they were in town, he’d sworn to make them pay.


“Somethin’ on yer mind Bruce?” Asked the lady dining with him.


Bruce scratched his moustache and withdrew his gaze from the yard “Jes expectin’ trouble.” He said. 


She looked under the table “Oh that’s yer gun pokin’ me in the leg, I thought you were bein’ a tad dirty.”


“Alice, not everythin’ ends up in the bedroom.”


“No, but we do need a new start, forget the gold they took from ye the authorities will be lookin’ for that, bandits will mark them. Now put ye gun away and we’ll head to a new town before mornin’.”


Bruce felt his blood boil faster than a snake in an outhouse and he found himself pointing his gun directly at Alice… he watched her remain firm, she was tough, her family had always had it rough. He could see a little threat on her life wasn’t going to change that.


“Haven’t ye notice every time you don’ listen one of us always ends up nearly bein’ killed?” She said hands on her hips and a frown of resentment. 


“Aye fyne, we try it yer way, might be nice to have you responsible for our deaths for once. Jus’ promise me one thing, if I end up dyin’ bury me with my gun so I can be protected in ma next life.” He placed the gun against the wall and they continued with dinner in a more civilised way.


“I’ll saddle the horses and ready some supplies, we’ll be travellin’ light.


Bruce was woken to the sounds of frantic neighing, something seemed to have spooked the horses, he rose from the hay quickly and grabbed his gun. He kicked the stable doors hard and entered his gun drawn… but there were no intruders.


“Ready teh go?” 


“What was all that noise? Wake the entire neighbourhood woman.”


“I gave the horses a lil treat to get um up this mornin’ is all.” they made their way along the dirt road, the horse Bruce was riding seemed to be staggering “Wake up boy, we’re headin’ west.” The horse did a reverse sneeze which sounded like a cough and Bruce caught the acrid smell of whiskey.


“Wha’ did yer give these there horses this mornin? Why is they all drunk like?” 


“Oh a spot o moonshine ne’r bothered me, it be good for the horses ma pa used to say, they’d pull in twice the harvest.”


“The law knows your pa was a creepy bloke.” 


They continued as best they could down the road and ignored an overturned wagon at a junction. Bruce’s horse stumbled on a loose rock and collapsed, it lay on the ground hiccoughing swaying. 

“Oh get up you drunken beast! We’ve not far teh go now to collapse here of places.” He kicked the sides of the horse gently with his boots but next thing he knew he was being struck with something blunt across the back of the head. He rolled over dazed unable to see his wife anywhere and saw the three Harlowe brothers standing over him.


“Hey, ye got my gold what more do yer want?” But they ignored him landing heavy kicks in unmentionable places, he felt his own gun across his head and saw no more.





A shiver ran down Bruce’s spine and he jerked awake. Slowly he opened his eyes but could see only darkness, feel only cold and pain, breathe only the smell of… now this was going to have to change. He tried to move his arms, he could but they were stiff. He could hear gunshots in the distance and wondered about laying low until they passed but on the other hand if he didn’t move quickly he would die for sure. 


On the outskirts of Copse valley there sat a graveyard, several kids were practicing their shooting; In this case, glass bottles on one of the recent tombstones. The shooter shot the first two bottles with ease, the third shot however clipped the tombstone and a piece of the smoothed edge broke off.


“Oops, it’s okay guys I’m still learning, set em up again will ya?” The shooter however gave the gun to his friend and they approached the grave. A hand burst forth from the soil, everyone froze in horror as a head and torso emerged sweaty faced throughly off colour. The zombie drew a deep breath and shouted at the children.


“Hey, some of us are trying to rest, leave us in peace!”


“Zombie!” They yelled and the kids scattered all except one who was busy collecting ammo he had spilled.


Bruce steadily got to his feet half his leg muscles seemed to have stopped working although no bones were broken as far as he was aware of. “Might as well do some explorin’ now I’m awake.” He said fake yawning and stretching “Hey kid, this Copse valley?”


The boy did not answer but ran towards the town, ‘well’ thought Bruce collecting the boy’s hat ‘at least he’d have an excuse to talk to the locals. He hesitated then looked back at his grave, if he was supposed to be dead he didn’t want it to look as if he’d been dug up. He read his tombstone his heart pumping uncomfortably fast as if it were proving it were still alive. “Here lies Bruce Howard, known by few mattered to nobody, we’re better off without him.”


As he made his way into the town Bruce realised many things, his wife hadn’t left his weapon, he had no money and those that knew him would think he were dead and move on; but he did have the boy’s hat and his attackers had let him keep his boots. The boy had run into the tavern Brace followed cursing his aching muscles under his breath not allowing him to keep up. He entered cautiously and looked around.


“What’ll it be stranger?” Asked the bartender Bruce had seen the boy talking to the Sheriff, perfect. Ignoring shifty eyes of all those around him he made his way over.


“Yes, a real zombie, I had to get away that’s why I lost your hat.”


“And why were you in that graveyard in the first place?” Asked the Sheriff.


“He was shooting glass bottles at my tombstone.” Said Bruce handing the hat to the Sheriff.


The Sheriff examined the hat carefully and put it on before glancing at the stranger then turning to scold his son. The boy looked more afraid of his father than Bruce so he took the advantage to speak again.


“You don’ have teh be afraid, the name’s Bruce Howard I had a run in with the Harlowe brothers, they took my wife, possessions and even my life. Yes I’m still here but as long they thinkin’ me dead, I’ll be safe I reckon… but as they have me wife…” he glanced meaningfully at the Sheriff “I’m sure you know how they could mistreat a lady. I best need a doctor but I have no money, if there be a way to earn me keep once I get me strength… you’d be a mighty fine help.”


“We have a deal stranger, I could use your help around town, I can round up a posse and keep tabs on them Harlowe brothers, let the kind folk know they’ve bee sighted in the area.” Bruce noticed a Wanted poster but there were four names on there, one of which he did not recognise. 


“I’d love teh hunt them devils myself but my wife, she the one that wanted me to leave tha' world behind, I don’t blame her for wha’ happen’d.”


“Well, a true gentleman wouldn’t.” Said the Sheriff smiling politely. “Come, let’s get ya some whiskey”



A few weeks on Bruce recovered to his old strength and helped bring in some of the low level troublemakers. He had already earned enough to pay back the Sheriff for his hospitality, earn his keep and even become quite friendly with one of the female regulars. But although he was happy, his mind continued to stray towards his wife, he’d checked in with the Sheriff once every few days or so but received no news that would help him. 




He’d almost given up hope and made a comfortable lifestyle with Kirsha, over some drinks after work she shared that her brother was a bounty hunter and had a useful lead.


“Duncan Stanford at your service” he said joining them with a drink of his own “I understand you’ve been after the Harlowe brothers, Well I have word that they’re planning to rob a trainload of goods expecting to come into the town tomorrow morning.”


“And what of my wife Alice?” 


For some reason Duncan’s face fell but he caught himself quickly “My information on this… may be faulty, but with a perfect strategy, you will have your answer… of course, if you are going to help me, you’ll need something I’ll supply you with before we set out.”


Bruce knew clearly that townsfolk were not allowed to carry firearms unless hunting or defending. “I should remain unseen, shoot from the shadows, they think I’m dead, so I’ll have the advantage.”


“So, you’re in?”


“I’m in, even if we don’t find all three, I’d love t’ send a message.”


Kirsha hugged him for good luck as they both left next morning leaving a lingering scent of flowers he found comforting. Duncan was leading them on horseback towards the mountains. 


“Should take us twenty minutes to get there and we’ll have to leave the horses near the stream for safety.”


“Don’t worry yerself, T’is best we arrive on foot.” There came an explosion from the distance “Damn, looks like we’re too late!”


“I don’t believe this, come on, we should catch up to them.”


They rode their horses further than their original plan and dismounted in a hurry. Bruce practically fell off his horse and now resembled Frosty the Snowman. He shook himself off furiously his temper hot enough to melt any ice. He channelled his rage into his weapon and followed Duncan towards the mayhem


“Looks like they’ve hired some help, shame they didn’t bring enough body bags.” He fired a shot at the same time as one of their shots and a man fell onto the tracks.


“No need to lose your head boys, we’re just making our introductions.” Said Bruce claiming another. There was a gap in their attack now and security personnel from the train now had the advantage. 


After a short but intense shootout the remaining attackers began retreating.


“I’ll get these two!” said Bruce recognising the Harlowe brothers


“Only one, we’ll follow the other.” Said Duncan. Restraining himself to let one slip away would be the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. He fired a warning shot to make the man stumble and his brother fell holding a package.


“Leave it, they’re after us.” Said Tommy “Wait… is that-” but Tommy’s next word was interrupted by a bullet slicing his tongue. Blood spurted from his throat and he gagged unable to get another word out. Seconds away from choking on his own blood he shoved his brother forward and collapsed in the snow. Johnny continued running towards their horses.


Bruce felt it would expose him to grab one of the horses but Johnny was taking both back to camp. Even at his slowed trot he knew he would never keep up. Duncan appeared by his side the two horses they had brought with them ready for action. 


“There were oats in that food parcel, I’d say their need is greater than to whom it was addressed to, we can always pay them back.”


They approached the camp at a safe distance, smirking as Johnny, the only survivor of their raid returned to his brother Lincoln and (Bruce’s heart jolted) Alice who seemed fine… 


“I hate to say this Bruce, but Alice looks angry that the raid failed.”


“Yeah, she does doesn’t she, let’s keep listening.”


“Can’t yer do anythin’ right? I got that coward Bruce out of hidin’ even took care of him for yer and yer can’ even handle a simple raid?”


Bruce felt his anger rise once again and aimed his gun at Johnny’s chest. He could not see them but as he faced their direction Bruce delivered his payload. Johnny fell backwards clutching his wound, his hair now on fire he ran like a maniac looking for the water trough.


Alice looked around afraid, unable to see their attackers and held Lincoln close. “Oh no you don’t.” Said Bruce softly as they closed in for a kiss. Just as their lips met a bullet cut between them. Both broke apart staggering bleeding from their lips. By the time they wiped the access blood away and got to their feet Duncan and Bruce knocked them down again guns drawn.


“Bruce… yer alive? But I killed yer.”


Bruce aimed his gun straight at her throat, a nice painful death should be long enough to teach her a lesson. 


“Go ahead, you’ve ne’r been able to do it before and yer’ll fail again obviously yer want to make things work.”


He shot her clear in the throat and she she began to gag clutching her wounds “I’d say things are working pretty fine dear.” He whacked her across the head with his gun and she collapsed rasping for air. 


Duncan and Bruce raided their camp and brought supplies back to Copse Valley, a few horses rode to retrieve the cargo from the train, Bruce found Kirsha and shook her by the hand accepting her congratulations and even pulled her in for a kiss. The Sheriff checked the bodies of the fallen men and identified that Alice was the fourth wanted on the poster, she had been using a different disguise from town to town making her more difficult to track. It didn’t even phase Bruce to learn that his ex wife was a wanted criminal and Kirsha gave his hand an extra squeeze as she joined him for another drink.


“Your reward money will be waiting for you in my office.” Said the Sheriff to Bruce and Duncan. 


“I couldn’t ask fer all of it, spend three quarters of it on improvin’ the town, I dare say those train tracks need some repair.” Said Bruce


“You are, the most generous man, I have ever known.” Said the sheriff shaking his hand and holding the pose long enough for a photo to be taken.

April 16, 2021 21:18

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