Ed Bumps

“Hey, Ed, could you slow down please? These country roads are lethal, you can’t see a flipping thing.”

“Yeah, Edmund, headlights can barely pick out the bends before they appear on this stretch, slow it down.”

“You’re going to slam us into a tree, or a herd of sheep, or a big pile of shitty manure if the smell around here is anything to go by. Put the window up, Edwin, it stinks!”

“Could you all shut up? It’s fine, I do this drive all the time, you know that.”

“Yep, some of us more than others. You don’t have to go so fast though. It's not like speed makes a difference."

“Not to you, Cara. But I have to finish up and be home before she gets back. I only get one night a month to sneak out and…practice. You don’t know what she’s like. Domineering bitch. Doesn’t ever want me having fun.”

“Mommy dearest figuring out you took her car without permission will be the least of your problems if it ends up in a ditch with you dead inside it, Edmund. Come on, ease off the speed, okay?” 

“Did you just say ‘herd of sheep’, Synth? You do know it’s ‘flock’, right?” 

“Oh, really, Bethany? Gosh I’m sooo sorry about my inferior knowledge of what to call groups of smelly animals. Maybe you should flock off back to your herd of preppy assholes.”

“Watch the tone, Synthia. Beth is just…being Beth.”

“Thank you, Cara. I appreciate that.”

“‘Beth is just being Beth.’ Yeah, and there’s only so much of Bethany ‘I’m so cute and cuddly everyone cherish me please’ McConnell I can take. Don’t know how you put up with it, Cara. I’ve only had to deal with it for a few weeks, you’ve had months, right?”  

“Give it a rest, Synthia. Wouldn’t do you any harm to pick up a few social niceties from our Beth. Maybe in time she’ll teach you how to mellow.”

“And pigs might fly out of her ass. Speaking of which, why don’t you crawl up into it a bit more since you seem to like the smell of her shit. Oh, now I know what that smell is. I take it back, Edwin, open the window again, please.”

“That’s disgusting, Synth. What the flip is wrong with you? My ass does not stink. My ass smells like roses and hyacinth.”

“Girls, I’m not going to say it again - shut the hell up. You’re annoying the crap out of me.”

“Well, that’s what you get when you decide to pack a load of annoying girls into your mother’s car and joyride, Edmund. Deal with it.”

“Stop calling me that, Cara. And Synthia, don’t call me Edwin. It’s Ed. Alright. Just Ed. Or Eddie. Beth here can remember, why can’t you?”

“Except it’s not though, right, Ed? It’s short for something. I thought it was Edison but Cara told me once it was something else. What was that again? Eduma or Edan or…”

“Jesus! Watch out!”

“Eeeeeek! Flippity flip flops!”

“Fuckballs! Christ on a bike, Edwin, what the hell was that? Who do you think you are, Vin Freaking Diesel? Stop taking turns like that, I’m actually going to puke.”

“You won’t puke, Synthia. Don’t be ridiculous. Will you seriously all calm down. You’ve all done this trip with me before. Did I ever go off the road or hit anything? Did I ever lose control of the car? No. But I might just tonight if you all keep screeching.”

“Sorry to be the voice of dissent, Edmund, but I distinctly remember you hitting something on this road. A badger or a fox or…something with lots of legs. Roadkill, remember? That’s what you called it.”

“Doesn’t count, Cara.”

“Sure. Because you didn’t get out and do the thing.”

“And there was that other night, when it was just me and you, Ed, that guy on the motorbike you almost hit. I actually peed myself a little. TMI. But You were like ‘oh, that f’ng psycho, that crazy s.o.b, tearing along in the middle of the night, all over the road like he owns it’. That was scary, Ed. And you were driving crazy too. Just like…wooahh…now. I think Synth’s right, I might puke too.” 

“Nobody’s going to puke. And there’s nothing wrong with my driving. That’s one thing Mother does let me practice. Ad nauseum.”  

“You almost flipped Mommy’s car that time, Edmund. Maybe you’re practising wrong.”

“I didn’t almost flip the… Stop calling me… Oh my God, why are you all so annoying? Why do you all tag along if you hate this so much? Nobody asked you to. You don’t have to be here. It’s supposed to be just me and Mags.”

“Well, aren’t you lucky we are here, considering what a monumental bore she turned out to be. Can’t handle her drink at all. Hey, Mags, wakey wakey, you’re missing out on all the excitement. What about her, Edwin? Can she puke? All over Mommy’s clean car?”

“I actually don’t know how she’s sleeping through this. How much did she drink? Are you sure she’s okay back there? Have you tried poking her? Or giving her a shake?”

“Don’t touch her. Nobody touch her.”

“Don’t think it matters how much she drank, Beth.”

“Yeah, but I’m worried about her, Cara. Just give her a little shake, for me?”

“I said don’t touch her. Cara. Cara, don’t you…”

”Mags? Hey, Mags, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?”

“Goddamnit, nobody listens.”

“Fuckballs, is she even alive? I don’t know how to check for a pulse. Which is better, neck or wrist?”

“She’s alive, Synthia. Of course she is. Mags? Mags, are you okay?”

“Here, let me give her a trademark Synthia Slap and…”

“I swear to God, girls, if you touch her again I’ll stomp on the gas and then you’ll really have something to scream about. Maybe you will puke, every one of you!”

“Okay, Ed, I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Guys, it’s okay, we can just let her sleep until...”

“Until nothing. I told you she wasn’t cut out for one of your parties, Edwin. As soon as she got in the car, I knew. Scared little rabbit in the headlights. Another Bethany, but worse, because she keeps her dainty legs shut. She’s not your type, I don’t know what you were thinking.” 

“I didn’t know, did I? She seemed…fun. We all make mistakes, Synthia. You could argue I made one with you.”

“What do you mean, ‘she keeps her legs shut’? Are you implying I’m some kind of slut, Synth?”

“No, Bethany. Slut-shame? Me? Ha. I’m implying Miss Mags here is some kind of prude. Definitely not what you’d call fun.”

“Fun like us, you mean? Until Edmund had his fill and got what he wanted. His practice.”

“Yeah, I know, Cara, I’m a real dick, so I ask again, why are you hanging around?”

“Believe me I’d rather be anywhere else. And I’m starting to think I could be. I don’t need to do this anymore. I think I’m about ready to stop.”

“I’d like to stop too. Can we just…finish the drive and go home? You know where Mags lives, Ed, right? I don’t want you just leaving her somewhere random in that state.”

“I know where she belongs, Beth, don’t worry.”

“Well it better not be too far out of the way. Where even are we now? It’s so dark, I can’t see shit. The stupid moon doesn’t even show its face in this sheep-shit neck of the woods. Shouldn’t we be off this road and onto the one with the…”

“There! That’s the turn, I remember! Slow down, here comes the sign!”

“I see it, Beth. For God’s sake, how many times… I know where I’m going, you don’t have to tell me where to turn!”

“Calm the…Jesus! Calm the hell down, Edmund, I’m serious! Even for you this is crazy. Are you actually trying to crash? Is that how you want this to end?”

“OMG, did you guys see what it said on that sign? ‘Ed Bumps’! Are you serious? Haha! It’s the funniest thing. It’s tailor made for you, Edwin!”

“Yeah, that’s what I meant, the sign. Don’t you remember seeing it before? So funny!”

“Why would I remember seeing it before?”

“Was funny the first time, Beth. Not anymore.”

“Aw, where’s your sense of humour, Cara? To be honest it looked more like ‘D Bumps’ this time, the bushes are getting really wild.”

“It’s supposed to say Speed Bumps, right? Why would there even be speed bumps out here? Did you put that there, Edwin? For fun?”

“Let it go, Synthia. Here comes the first one. Edmund… Please. Don’t go over it too…”

THUNK.

KA-TCHUNK!

AAAARRGGGHHHH!

“Holy fuckballs!”

“What the flip was that? Was that a scream?”

“Thank you, Edmund. Thank you so much.”

“Fuck me twice. Did we hit someone?”

“What? No we didn’t hit someone, Synthia. Was just the bump. The bump in the road.”

“Oh God. Ed. The scream. How did I forget about the scream…”

“I have no idea, Beth, after the fuss you made the last time. And I still don’t know what you’re hearing. ”

“Edmund. Slow down.”

“Why did…what was that scream? Cara? You heard that, right?”

“We know Beth did, so I guess I did too.”

“The scream. I think I blocked it out. Oh no. There’s another one coming, isn’t there? I’m so glad we didn’t wake Mags. She doesn’t need to hear this.”

“Edmund. Ed. Please.”

“Can’t do it, Cara, I’m behind schedule. Mother will be home before dawn. Really don’t understand why you all have to hear these screams. You out of everyone should be used to this. You’ve done this trip the most.”

“You don’t have to remind me. But forgive me for being…”

THUNK.

KA-TCHUNK!

EEEAAAGHHHH!

“-ugh-traumatised by the sound of screaming road bumps.”

“Fuckballs. I don’t like it. I feel weird. Stop, Edwin. I don’t want to hear any more.”

“Close your eyes, Synthia. It’s nearly over. Then you can forget it and go back to being sarcastic.”

“Beth? Are you okay?”

“No, Cara. I… I remember. The screams. I… I think that last one was… Oh no. Oh God. Why do the speed bumps scream?”

“Don’t start crying again, Beth! Why do you always have to sit up front where I can see you? They’re just bumps in the road and you’re over the worst so stop. I swear to God, I know you pride yourself on being the nicest, sweetest girl in the whole damn bunch but it makes me sick to my stomach so quit it with the tears and…”

“Shit, there’s another one! Stop the car, Edwin. Stop the car and let me out. Don’t go over it. I don’t want to go over that…”

THUNK.

KA-TCHUNK!

AIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!

“Noooooo! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Just stop the car and let me out!”

“Shut up, Synthia! It’s over, okay? Nobody asked you to be here, it’s your own fault so you’ll have to put up with it!”

“Nonono I don’t want to know I don’t want to be here let me out!!”

“Synthia! Look at me. Calm down! Take a breath and calm down!”

“Don’t tell her to calm down, Cara! She’s a horrible B and I don’t really like her but I know exactly how she feels. So do you, but you’ve had more time to get used to it. Not her. Not me. And what about Mags, how do you think she’s going to feel when…”

“Alright, that’s enough!”

SCREEEEEEEE–!

“Oww! Jeez, Ed, don’t stomp the brakes like that. You almost put me through the flipping…”

“Fuck. Wait. I’m sorry. Edwin, I’m sorry. You can keep driving. Okay? You can start back up and keep driving. Just get us off this evil road.”

“No. You wanted me to stop, fine, here we are, stopped in the middle of nowhere. Happy? It’s just where I want to be anyway. Now keep your mouths shut while I finish up.”

KA-CHUK.

“Edmund, stay in the car… you don’t have to do this. You don’t need to make another…”

CH-CHUNK.

“Edwin, you can leave her. She’s alive, you can drop her off somewhere and…”

“Get out of my way, Synthia. And stay back, Cara. Beth, don’t you even dare look at me with those…yeah, that’s right keep those pretty eyes shut and those manicured fingers in those ears, pretend it isn’t happening, like before. You all chose to be here. Obviously, you all need to see it. Again and again, for some reason. So just sit there and shut up while I practice.”

“Sure, Edwin. Whatever you say. Just take us home when it’s over.”

“Nnng. You could…uff…you could have stayed ‘home’ if you wanted to, Synthia. I don’t know why you didn’t. I don’t need you tagging along. Complaining about non-existent screams. I don’t need any of you. Now shut your gob and wait there.”

KA-CHUNK.

“Yeah, I’ll shut my gob and wait here, wait until you get yours. Asshole.”

“Stop it, Synthia. Just…stop…”

“Why, Cara? Because I can’t do anything about it?”

“Yes, right, exactly right. You can’t do anything about it. None of us can. All we can do is sit here in this Hell-car and watch. Until we don’t need to see it anymore. And I don’t. This is the last time for me. I’m done.” 

“I don’t want to see it anymore either, Cara. I remember what happened, with…um…. And now I’m going to see it again… That’ll be enough…won’t it?”

“I don’t know, Beth. For me it looks like three times is the charm but… Look, just sit tight and keep your eyes shut. If you don’t want to see you don’t have to. Maybe just being here’s enough..”

“He took Mags, right?”

“Yes, he did.”

“And she was alive, right? You said she was alive.”

“I wish she wasn’t. I wished you and Synthia weren’t either.”

“Sure, Cara. Why would a Northsider like you give a shit about me? I saw the way you looked at me when I got here. I could hear you judging from the start.”

“That wasn’t judgement, Synthia. That was despair. I saw it happen to Beth. I knew what was coming. But I couldn’t help you. And I can’t help Mags now either.”

“What’s he doing? To Mags. Oh God. Should I look?”

“Up to you.”

“He’s trying to wake her. He has her standing. Just about. Oh, no. She went down. But she’s moving, trying to sit up.”

“Oh God. Can she run? Can somebody tell her to run?”

“She can’t run, Beth. Could you?”

“She’s…trying to back away. He’s standing over her with his arms outstretched and…what the fuck?! What the fuck’s that on his head?”

“You’ll remember.”

“What’s what on his head? Oh. Oh no. I… I think I know what you…”

“Fuckballs. Is that… Are those… Is this what happened to me?”

“This is what happened to us.”

“Oh God. Oh God, it is. I remember now.”

“What’s…what’s happening to her? I feel like I should know but…explain?”

“I remember! I remember what it felt like turning to…”

“Cara, what the fuck is happening to Mags?! What’s happening to her skin?”

“Somebody help her, can somebody help her, can we...”

AAAIEEEEEEEEGGHH!!!

“No! Cara! No no no Not again! We have to help!”

“Nobody can help her, Beth. We can only help ourselves, by coming to terms with it.”

“Coming to terms with what? What the shit’s happening, Cara? He’s… She’s… It’s like she’s melting into the road or turning to… Oh. Oh.”

“What…? Where am I?”

“Jesus, what the fuck?”

“Oh my God! Mags? You…you’re here? Already? Oh, Mags, I’m so, so sorry…”

“What…is going on? Who are you people?”

“Welcome to the joyride. I’m Cara. Blondie beside you is Synthia. And that’s our lovely Bethany in front. Sorry it’s a bit cramped back here. I’ll be gone soon and you can spread out.”

“What? I don’t understand. We were on the beach, we had a fire and blankets, the moon and… Wait. Where’s Eduardo?”

“Eduardo? Are you serious? Hahaha. That’s a new one.”

“What’s so funny? What work? Is that him out there? What’s he doing stamping on the road?”

“He’s a big fan of speed bumps. You’ll see.”

“What? Seriously, who are you guys? How did I get here?”

“We’re sorry, Mags. We’re so, so sorry we couldn’t help.”

“Holy fuckballs. Snakes.”

“He’s coming back. I think I’m ready to go.”

“Are you all high? Okay, I don’t care, just let me out.”

“You can’t get out, Mags. I’m sorry.”

“It was snakes.”

“I’m going guys. I can feel it. Tell dear Edmund ‘screw you’.” 

“Edmund?”

“That’s what he was to me. Not Eduardo. Or Edwin. Or Edison. But none of those are really his name. I heard him say it once, when I came back. Before he noticed me. Before he knew this was a thing. I’ll tell you it, before I go. Because he hates it. His mother had a silly sense of humour. Named him after their ancestor. Maybe you can use it to taunt him.”

“Flip, Cara, I can barely see you. You’re really going!”

“I think my drink must have been spiked...”

“Fuck, guys...”

“His name…”

“Speak up, Cara. We can barely hear you anymore.”

“Eduardo? Eduardo! Come over here!”

“The things on his head...”

“His real name…” 

“Hurry, Cara, say it!”

“Who are these crazy bitches in your car?”

“The things on his head were snakes!”

“His real name’s Medusa.

“Minus the M.”