Love flower

“I don’t want to marry Manisha,” I told my mother.

My mother looked stunned – as if she had been stunned pole-axed.

Suddenly there was a metamorphosis in her expression – a distant look across my shoulder followed by a smile of forced geniality.

“Keep quiet. Manisha is coming…!” my mother whispered.

I turned around quickly and saw Manisha entering the wicket-gate and walking towards us.

Manisha wished my mother, she smiled at me and said to me: “I want to come and see you off at the airport.”

“Why bother? I’ll go on my own,” I said, “The flights are quite unpredictable. They never leave on time. And how will you come back all the way?”

“You two talk here in the garden,” my mother said, “I’ll go inside and pack your things.”

“I am sorry about last night,” Manisha said, with genuine regret in her voice.

“It’s okay…” I said.

I looked at Manisha – plump and full-faced – with small brown eyes and dusky complexion – hair drawn back into a conventional knot – there was only one adjective to describe Manisha – “prosaic” – yes – she looked prosaic – so commonplace, unexciting and pedestrian.

I’ll go inside and help your mother,” Manisha said, and went inside.

‘Last night’ was the fiasco at the disco. Manisha and I – An unmitigated disaster…!!!

“Let’s dance,” I had asked Manisha.

“No,” Manisha was firm.

“Come on. I’ll teach you,” I pleaded, “Everyone is on the floor.”

But Manisha did not budge.

So we just sat there watching.

Everybody was thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Many of my friends and colleagues were on the floor, with their wives, fiancées and girlfriends. Among them Sanjiv and Swati.

“Who is this “wallflower” you have brought with you…?” taunted Sanjiv, during a break in the music.

“She is my fiancée, Manisha…” I answered, trying to keep cool.

“Your fiancée…? How come you’ve hooked on to such a “Vern”…?” Swati mocked me.

Then – Swati said derisively – coming close and looking directly into my eyes:

“Come on Vijay – you are an Executive now – not a clerk. Don’t live in your past. Find someone better. She doesn’t belong here.”

If someone had stuck a knife into my heart it would have been easier to endure than these words.

It always rankled – the fact that I had come up the hard way – promoted from the ranks.

“This is too much…!!!” I said angrily to Sanjiv.

“Cool down, Vijay,” Sanjiv said putting his hand on my shoulder, “You know Swati doesn’t mean it.”

But I knew that Swati had meant every word she uttered.

“Let’s go,” I told Manisha. “I’ve had enough.”

When we were driving home, Manisha asked innocently:

“What’s a “Vern”…?”

“Vernacular…!” I answered.

And at that moment there was a burst of firecrackers and rockets lit up the sky to usher in the New Year.

That night I could not sleep.

I thought of my future, trying to see both halves of my future life, my career and my marriage, side by side.

I realized that my career was more important to me than anything else.

I had to succeed at any cost.

And a key ingredient in the recipe for success was a ‘socially valuable’ wife.

It mattered. It was the truth.

A ‘socially valuable’ wife helped your career.

It was the blunt truth – whether you liked it or not…!!!

Swati was right.

Manisha would be an encumbrance, maybe even an embarrassment.

It was a mistake – my getting engaged to her.

She was the girl next door – we had grown up together and everyone assumed we would be married one day.

And our parents had got us engaged.

At that point of time I didn’t think much of it.

It was only now, that my eyes had opened – and – I realized the enormity of the situation.

I was an upwardly mobile executive now – not a mere clerk – and the equations had changed.

What I needed was someone like Swati – smart, chic and savvy – Convent Educated – well groomed – and accustomed to the prevalent lifestyle – a perfect hostess – an asset to my career.

And most importantly – she was from a well-connected family.

I tired to imagine what life would have been like had I married Swati.

Sanjiv was so lucky.

He was already going places.

After all – Swati was the daughter of the senior Vice President of our company.

Suddenly – I returned to the present.

I could bear my mother calling me.

I went inside.

Manisha was helping her pack my bags, unaware of what was going on in my mind.

I felt a sense of deep guilt – but then it was question of my life.

“What’s wrong with you?” my mother asked me – after Manisha had left.

“Why were so rude to Manisha, so distant. She loves you so much…!” my mother said to me.

“I don’t love her,” I said.

“What?” my mother asked surprised, “Is there some else?”

“No,” I said.

“I don’t understand you.”

“Manisha is not compatible anymore. She just doesn’t fit in.”

I could see that my mother was angry. Outwardly she remained calm and nonchalant; her fury was visible only in her eyes.

“Who do you think you are?” she said icily, trying to control herself, “You know Manisha from childhood, isn’t it? For the last two years you have been engaged and moving around together. And suddenly you say Manisha is not compatible?”

My mother paused for a moment, and then taking my hand asked me softly: “What happened last night?”

I told her.

Then we argued for over two hours and till the end I stuck to my guns.

Finally my mother said: “This is going to be difficult. And relations between our families are going to be permanently strained. Think about Manisha. It will be so difficult for her to get married after the stigma of a broken engagement. Forget about last night. It’s just a small incident. Think about it again. Manisha is the ideal wife, so suitable for you.”

But – I had made up my mind – so I told my mother: “If you want – I will go and talk to her father right now and break off the engagement.”

“No,” my mother snapped, “Let your father come home. He will decide what to do.”

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door.

Standing outside – along with My Father – were Manisha and Her Parents.

“I have fixed up your wedding with Manisha Patwardhan on the 30th of May of this year…” my father thundered peremptorily, in his usual impetuous style.“Congratulations…!!!” echoed Manisha’s parents, Mr. and Mr. Patwardhan.

I was dumbstruck.

Manisha was smiling coyly.

My mother was signaling to me with her eyes not to say anything.

She was probably happy at the fait accompli.

I felt trapped.

I excused myself and went up to my room.

I locked the door.

Someone knocked.

“Give me five minutes,” I said, “I’ll get ready and come down.”

“Come soon,” said Manisha from the other side of the door.

I took out my notepad – and I wrote a letter to Manisha:

Dear Manisha,

               Please forgive me – but I have discovered that I cannot marry you – and I think that it is best for us to say goodbye.   

                                                                            Yours sincerely, 

                                                                            Vijay

I knew the words sounded insincere – but that was all I could write – because my mind had bone blank – and I wanted to get it over with as fast as possible.

I knew I was being cruel – but I just couldn’t help it.

I sealed the letter in a postal envelope – I wrote Manisha’s name and address on it –and – I put the letter in my bag.

I looked at my watch.

It was time to leave.

Everyone came to the airport to see me off.

Sanjiv and Swati had come too.

They were located at Pune – and – I was off on a promotion to New Delhi.

“I am really very sorry about last night…” Swati apologized to us. She took Manisha’s hand and said tenderly, “Manisha, please forgive me. You are truly an ideal couple – both of you are made for each other.”

As I walked towards the boarding area Manisha’s father Mr. Patwardhan shouted to me jovially, “Hey, Vijay. Don’t forget to come on 30th of May. The wedding muhurat is exactly at 10.35 in the morning. Everything is fixed. I have already booked the best hall in town. If you don’t turn up I’ll lose my deposit…!!!”

I nodded to him – but in my mind’s eye I smiled to myself – the “joke” was going to be on him…!!!

Then I waved everyone goodbye – I went to the waiting hall, sat on a chair, opened my bag and took out the letter I had written to Manisha.

I wish I had torn up the letter there and then – but some strange force stopped me.

I put the envelope in my pocket and remembered my mother’s parting words:

“Please Vijay. Marry Manisha. Don’t make everyone unhappy. Manisha is good girl. She’ll adjust. I’ll talk to her.”

During the flight I thought about it.

I tried my utmost – but I just could not visualize Manisha as my wife in my new life any more.

Till now – I had done everything to make everybody happy.

But what about me…? It was my life after all.

Time would heal wounds, abate the injury and dissipate the anger – but if I got trapped for life with Manisha – it would be an unmitigated sheer disaster.

I collected my baggage and walked towards the exit of Delhi Airport.

Suddenly I spotted a red post box.

I felt the envelope in my pocket.

I knew I had to make the crucial decision right now.

Yes – it was now or never.

I walked towards the red post box and stood in front of it, indecisive and confused.

I took a deep breath, took out the envelope from my pocket and looked at it – the address, postage stamp – everything was okay.

I moved my hand to post the letter.

A strange force stopped my hand in its tracks. I hesitated, and in my mind I tried to imagine the severe ramifications, the terrible consequences of what I was about to do.

At first Manisha would be delighted, even surprised, to see my handwriting on the letter.

And then – she would read my letter…!

I dreaded to even think about the unimaginable hurt and distress she would feel… and then her parents… and mine…the sense of betrayal and insult…relationships built and nurtured for years would be strained, even broken, forever.

And poor Manisha…everyone knew we were engaged…how tongues would wag…the stigma of broken engagement…the anguish of my betrayal of her love… she would be devastated… may even commit…

Suddenly my cell-phone rang interrupting my train of thoughts.

‘It must be Manisha – monitoring me as usual…’ I thought getting irritated at her.

Manisha’s suffocating familiarity and closeness seemed like manacles and I was glad I was getting away from her.

I decided not to answer – but my mobile kept ringing persistently – so I looked at the display.

It wasn’t Manisha – but an unknown new number.

“Hello,” I said into my cell-phone.

“Mr. Joshi?” a male voice spoke.

“Yes. Vijay Joshi here. Who is it, please?” I asked.

“Sir, we’ve come to receive you. Please come to the exit gate and look for the board with your name.”

“I’m coming,” I said and looked the letter addressed to Manisha in my hand.

No.

Not now in a hurry.

Providence was giving me signals to wait, reflect, and think it over, not to do something so irretrievable in such a hurry.

So – I put the envelope in my pocket – and I walked away from the post box towards the exit.I settled down well in my new job and liked my place in Delhi. Every morning I would put the envelope in my pocket determined to post it in the post box outside my office on my way to work but something happened and I didn’t post the letter to Manisha. Meanwhile I rang up Manisha, and my mother, every evening, and made pretence that everything was okay. The stress and strain within me was steadily building up.

Every time I looked at the envelope I felt as if was holding a primed grenade in my hand. With every passing day, the 30^th of May was approaching nearer and nearer. Time was running out, and I knew I would have to unburden myself of the bombshell pretty fast. So one day, during lunch break, I decided to post the fateful letter and get it over with once and for all.As I was walking out someone from the reception called out to me, “Hey, Mr. Joshi –is Mr. Gokhale in his office?”

Gokhale was my boss, and he was out on tour, so I said: “No – Mr. Gokhale has gone on tour. Anything I can do…?”

“Sir, there’s a courier for him,” the receptionist said.

“I’ll take it and give it to him when he comes,” I said – and I signed the voucher and took the envelope from the courier.

The moment I looked at the envelope – an electric tremor of trepidation quivered through me like a thunderbolt.

I cannot begin to describe the bewildered astonishment and shocking consternation I felt when I saw Manisha’s distinctive handwriting on the envelope – beautiful large flowing feminine writing with her trademark star-shaped ‘t’ crossing, the huge circle dotting the ‘i’… there was no doubt about it. And of course her favorite turquoise blue ink.

Yes – it was Manisha’s handwriting – there was no doubt about it.

I turned the envelope around hoping I was wrong – but I was right – the letter to my boss Mr. Gokhale was indeed from Manisha – she had written her name and address on the reverse – as bold as brass…!!!

My pulse raced, my insides quivered, my brain resonated and I trembled with feverish anxiety.

At first impulse I wanted to tear open the envelope and see what was inside – but I controlled myself.

I tried to mask my inner emotions – I put on a fake smile of geniality for everyone around.

I gently put the letter in my pocket – and I began retracing my steps back to my office.

I discreetly felt the two envelopes in my suit pocket – one – my unposted letter to Manisha – and – the other – a much fatter envelope – Manisha’s unopened letter to my boss Mr. Avinash Gokhale.I locked myself in my office, sat down, calmed myself with a glass of water, took out the two envelopes and put them on the table in front of me.

My unposted letter to Manisha would now have to wait – I thanked my stars that some mysterious hidden restraining force had stopped me from posting it every time I tried to.

I picked up Manisha’s envelope addressed to Avinash Gokhale.

It was sheer serendipity that I happened to be at the reception when the courier arrived – otherwise I would have never known.

I looked at the envelope. The whole thing was incredulous. Why on earth should Manisha write to Avinash Gokhale? What was the connection? How did she know Gokhale? What had she written to him?

Had my simpleton mother blurted out something to her – had my mother told Manisha or her parents about what I had said – that I didn’t want to marry her…?

My mind went haywire with strange thoughts.

Revenge…!

Yes – Revenge.

Stung by my betrayal – Manisha had somehow found out the name of my boss –from Sanjiv – or from Swati most probably –and she was out to ruin my career – wreck vengeance on me for ditching her.

Maybe Mahisha had written to Avinash Gokhale what a jerk I was.

These things mattered in my company.

My heart skipped a beat. I felt a tremor of trepidation. I suddenly realized that I had to swiftly interrupt this pernicious line of 

thinking and insidious train of thoughts.

No, No…!!!

It was just not possible. No chance. Manisha was not the vindictive type. She would never do such a thing. Especially to me. She always loved me so much. And I was sure my mother would not have been so indiscreet and would have kept our conversation to herself.

But then – anything is possible.

I couldn’t take any chances. Dying with curiosity I desperately felt like tearing open the envelope and reading the letter. I had to get to the bottom of this mystery.

It was simple. I would open the letter in the privacy of my house. Steam-open the envelope very carefully so no one would even discern. Then I would read it and accordingly decide the further course of action.I wondered why Manisha had sent this letter so indiscreetly to the office address with her name and address written so blatantly. Was it on purpose? She could have spoken privately to Gokhale – or even e-mailed him. Why this bold as brass missive? Was it on purpose? She wanted me to know…No. No. It was too bizarre!

I had an impulse to call up Manisha then and there and get it over with once and for all, but I stopped myself.

I had to know first what she had written in that letter before I could do anything.

The suspense was killing. I felt restless and uneasy. When I feel tense I go for a long walk. That’s what I did. I went for a long walk around my entire office, each department, making pretence of MBWA [Management By Walking Around]. When I returned to my office it was four, still an hour to go. The next hour was the longest hour of my life.

The moment it was five, I rushed out of my office. The moment I opened the door I ran bang into the receptionist. “Mr. Joshi, Sir. That letter for Mr. Gokhale – you want me to give it to his PA?”“No. No. I’ll give to him personally,” I said feeling the envelope in my coat pocket.

She gave me a curious questioning look so I hastily said, “Don’t worry, I’ve locked it carefully in my drawer,” and hurriedly walked away.