Size 2K9

It was Monday, probably Tuesday, sometime today, but tomorrow which was yesterday and somehow things just got messed up fast.  I'd like to think that maybe it was just meant to get crazy for a reason, maybe just maybe I could control the aftermath of this catastrophe, or stay alive until this guy decides to write another story that involves me getting into another crazy situation.  Thanks... With no time to spare I'm falling to my death with my hands around this monkey's throat, choking the shit out of him if I die at least I know he dies; we both die yep we'll most definitely die. Except the only problem is he has a tail which just grabbed hold of a flagpole with me still choking him.   Maybe this would be a good time to start you at the beginning or... yea definitely a great time because if he lets go we fall again, buuut my hands are getting tired... so yea let me just get this show on the road…

I had just purchased a new pair of Shady Slims switchback editions custom made by my friend Sergio.  Now, I was still rocking my patented Dutch Hamiltons, but these Slims by far kill my Hamiltons, just saying.  Now, I've been sober for five years now since that first incident, things have calmed down, and luckily I wasn't charged for killing Randy... unforgivable motha fucka UNFORGIVABLE just saying you fucked up.   Anyway, I took the week off to attend his funeral; oh the jokes I had about this dead motha fucka. Went up to this mom and was like who's the son of a bitch who shot this mofo and got away with it... oh yea that's right THIS motha fucka, pointing at myself and cheesing hard. I even had to ask her if she was mad.  Hehe, Randy, you should have known better than to steal my Ed Tubmans. Wait wait let me get this story straight that wasn't Randy because I extra shot Randy with a shotgun when I was high out my mind on Hot Goo Goo Sunshine... See what had happened was (if you read Size W-2 you know what happened, but for those just now joining this venture…) I got a hold of some Hot Goo Goo Sunshine aka yellow kryptonite, and boy was that ish strong.  Hell, I'm not even sure if half the events described actually happened, but I found out I had slept with a zombie nurse. Anyway, I was tripping so bad I thought Randy was a Putty Patrol monster off power rangers and racked that joker off with a shotgun four times killing him 4 Lyfe. My Orangutan friend Bubbah was dead even though he was never alive, to begin with but dead none the less. My cat-woman hybrid lover had died, Tito the flicted fifth brother of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles helped me kill a giant piece of shit like huge, like Hungry Hungry Hippo big.   I had met a man named Harvey Two-Tone and his platinum blue suede shoes (got to say the whole thing like A Tribe Called Quest). That man had gotten me even higher which ultimately led to his downfall, but man did I not realize that was a bad move especially after I traded my Spider-Man Chucky T's for those Platinum Blue Suede Shoes. Apparently, it was Unforgivable...

As I left the store I realize that I can't rock these Shady Slims quite yet, I got to get home and polish my Sug' Shocks and make sure my Dutch Hamiltons don't get scuffed.  When I got to my apartment and I had to do my routine house check to make sure I hadn't robbed myself… Hot Goo Goo Sunshine is one hell of a drug. With everything still in check, and knowing I can safely sit down without worrying about being high or if I'll go crazy again I get a knock at the door.  Most of my friends were out catching that new movie, Tales of a Teenage Zombie Queen; I would have been with them, but I saw it the night before when they were screening. I got the stars Scout Taylor-Compton, Harry Belafonte, Samuel L. Jackson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Daniel Radcliffe, and John Boyega to sign my suedes.  What a night, sorry daydreaming again, but as far as I know everyone is out and that movie's about 3hrs long. Making sure I'm not high, I hesitantly walk towards the door knowing I don't have that great of memory or a good peephole, so I ask if it's the pizza guy I didn't call because they're definitely late. Dang, I still sound like I'm high, this is not helping my case, and I proceed to open the door anyway.  Before me, I see this hot white-haired, Puerto Rican, or Filipino yea possibly mixed looking chick that for some reason has a bat. Panning down I catch that she's got on some sweet Aretha Franklins snapback style with lace and one of those frilly little pink tutu dresses. From what I see she looks like a combination of a punk ballerina mixed with a ninja that's on an acid trip sporting a shredded pink leotard with a shirt that says "Sexy Siren" the album cover from the band Kick-flip Doritos.  Her little tutu is pretty, ok rack, nice ass... but it's her eyes and lips I'm focused on and that bat... Why the hell does she have a bat while wearing Aretha Franklins with snapback and lace? I know for a fact any girl wearing those shoes is looking for a fight, not knowing what's going to happen next I get set. Expecting anything I almost flinch when she raises her hand to give me a note she gives me this little smirk and blows me a kiss as I read it. The Message reads a follow:

"To whom it may concern

I have killed your friend CJP, and now you're going to die.  You may not know who I am but I know who you are. You killed one of my best men and that makes you a threat. Since you neglected to keep up with your friends safe you've lost one.  As you humans say eye for an eye, but then you made things personal when you took the man's shoes. Now, I can't let you live after that, for sir that is truly UNFORGIVABLE. Simon says you die...

Sincerely,

 Simon"

By the time, I'm done she's now got both hands on the bat and I happen to read the name Candy on her bat.  I'm curious to why Candy, so stupidly I ask, "What kind of Candy is your bat?" She smirks and yells, "JAWBREAKER!!!"   It doesn't click until it's too late and I receive a Sammy Sosa across the face that sends me hurling in the air. The chick hit me so hard my Hamiltons lost their black like the chick literally knocked me out of the black on my shoes.  As I'm flying in the air I can't help but think why is this hot chick here to kick my ass? It clicks that she is working with that Simon fellow, this hangtime I'm getting causes the song Stop and Stare - One Republic to play. This is the longest slow-motion fall like seriously Inception has nothing on this, like this ridiculous. So, ridiculous my shuffle goes to We Are Young - Fun seriously this should have been the Super Bowl commercial.  I have time to realize I left the light on in the highway, I need to dust behind the TV, even had time to eat a snicker, drink some soda, I even played some video games, hell even turned the TV to catch my favorite show The View. Man Whoopi Goldberg is fine as hell, shit I watched all three of the Lord of the Rings films, and watch Harry Potter Deathly Hallows part 1 & 2. Oh yea, that's right I'm falling... fuck.... Oh hey table could you catch me?   Nope... Like someone had hit replay I crashed through that table like someone was trying to catch it at different angles. OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW that table didn't help at all. Oh my god, that hurt owww why? Why would you do something so mean? I purchased you when you were on sale, fuck you table, FUCK YOU. I started beating up the damn table, throwing the broken pieces all over my apartment. Hell, the bitch ass thing gave me a splinter, a fucking splinter… I elbow drop the shit out of the rest of the pieces, and kick them all over the place.  That felt good, but then my mind catches back up with me. Hey, remember that girl that's standing over there looking hot… yea she just hit you with a bat in the face. Processing in five, four, three, two… FUUUUUUUUCK!!!! Man, that shit hurt, my face feels like it just went 12 rounds with Joe Frazier, like it just got hit by an 18 wheeler, like getting smacked in the face by a bag of dried cement, like I just got hed butted by Tyra Banks, like Jeff Bridges put bricks in a pillowcase then smacked me saying it's just a pillow fight, and I could go on. I hear her on the phone and saying I ain't shit and dissing my Hamiltons.  After hanging up the phone she tells me she's one of the Crazy 7 sent to kill me, originally it was the crazy nine, but I killed one and the other died of being exposed to the wrath of the Arc of the Covenant. I guess that dude should have known to close his eyes. Realizing this fight isn't over, I tried to attack her while she's just standing there looking pretty... big mistake in a flash I'm flying back into the wall. It's like I love Rock N Roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts was playing every time she went up to bat. She was knocking me back like it was nothing like it was second nature to her, surprised I'm not dead yet as much as she's sending me flying.  As much as she's kicking my ass I ask her what's her name, she says Bun-Bun aka Killer Rabbit. The name fits but damn this has got to end I'm not about to let this girl kill me in my own apartment, sorry but that ain't happening. I devise a plan might throw her off her game; I stay down for a bit hoping she'll fall for my trap. Luckily she falls for it, so I reach up, grab that tutu of hers, pull that shit down, and smack the hell out of that ass of hers. Yep she didn't see that coming, but that was just the distraction what follows next is the mood changer; I cock my fist back and punch her dead smack in the groin. Hoping that keep her down I try to regain my footing, but my short victory doesn't last for long because she smacks me in the groin with that bat.  By the time she gets back up I repay her with another one, she drops to her knees and punches me in sack again. We get level and start trading punches to the groin; I hit her with an uppercut to her nether region and she delivers a right hook to mine. We trade punch after punch she decides to drive her elbow me in mine and she steadily applies more pressure so I go for her ass again but she blocks that and punches me again. We both try to stand up and end up kicking each other in the groin at the exact same time. I pull a Johnny Cage and give her one more she falls to her knees while I'm still doing the splits. I'm stuck looking her in the eyes again and so I try pulling one more trick out of my sleeve and kissing her which puts this estranged WTF look on her face again.  Once again distraction because that gives me enough time to head butt her for the knock-out blow, in actuality that took a lot out of me too. Bun-Bun you are one tough chick like seriously one tough chick like this ass whooping was unnecessary as hell. I'm leaving you alive because I can't make it to my shotgun which is conveniently stashed under my couch which is way too damn far for me to crawl to. In actuality it's right by her as in not that far, I'm just feeling lazy like seriously lazy after this bullshit fight. So tonight you live so fuck you I'm going to sleep when you regain consciousness and I wake up we can resume this. Right as I close my eyes, I hear her phone ringing, and I'm like I wonder who the fuck this is. I crawl to her and grab her phone and click it over to answer it, trying to sound as feminine as possible which is easy because my manhood is basically destroyed.  This weird voice is asking if I'm dead, I reply yes and they're like good and tell her to report back to HQ for further information. 

I roll over to her face and start nudging her saying, "Ey girl, Ey Girl wake up, wake up wake up yoooooooo wake up you got a call from some creepy dude telling you to come back to HQ.  If you need a ride I can help you, but you got to help me. I got no beef with you; it's the motha fucka that killed my friend that I have to kill. Ey girl ey girl wake up you can't sleep here.  I got to clean tomorrow if I live like seriously there's too much blood everywhere mainly from me, so girl wake yo ass up." I start to stand up and realize I might have to lift her ass up, mustering up some man strength I pick her and carry her to my couch which actually wasn't that far.   Just so I know she won't try anything I grab the shotgun and get some kool-aid I make her a glass just in case she's thirsty. I move that bat which is actually polarized and can convert into a double saber she could have killed me at any time I wonder why she held back. It is interrogation time as I wake her up with the rack of my shotgun, as she pops up.  First things first I ask her what's her favorite color she says Pink, and then what's her favorite animal? She replies a panda, I'm like I love pandas they're fucking awesome then I ask what's her favorite movie she said it's a tie between Up and Human Centipede. In my mind I'm thinking, you dumbass you know you're supposed to be interrogating her, but I'm like fuck it, man, the last chick I was with was a damn zombie I had to put down after nailing her.  Next thing I ask is when the next time she is available, she said if I help her kill her boss she's free anytime afterward. Without showing emotions I'm like cool, but in my mind I'm screaming like a girl oh shit I kill this mother fucker and I got a date ahhhhh I got a date oh shit this might work out oh shit oh shit oh shit. Regaining my focus, I'm like look if you don't give me answers I'm going to shoot you (bluffing like a motha fucka) she's like no need to even threaten I'll tell you everything you need to know.  She basically explains the whole reason she was the first to show up is that she wanted to test to see if I'd be able to get the job done. She'd have done it herself but everyone knows her and would be able to predict her moves, me, on the other hand, I seem to be able to adapt and bring forth more punishment than what's dished out. She explains she hates her boss (well mainly hates monkeys) and wishes he were dead because he killed CJP who was her love, honestly, I never knew Cat Jew People could fall in love wait wait wait yea they do I almost pulled a hate crime because he tried that lovy dovy shit on me... Cissjems I miss you man, I still wish I gave you that ass whooping when you needed it, but CJP you will not die in vain.   She then tells me that their leader is a Monkey named Simon, he wanted to create an elite killing force that's not to be fucked with by anyone and wanted to use this crew to take control of the whole City. I'm like ain't this some shit this damn Monkey wants to throw his shit all over the damn city I'm gonna kick that damn primate with this damn shotgun. I take off my punished Dutch Hamiltons and slip into my Shady Slims with the switchback custom, I toss on my Terry Bogard Fatal Fury jacket that I jacked off Sanjo and put on my Ryu headband and then blasted some Guile because that theme goes to anything. It's time to kick some ass and possibly get a damn date with a chick that singlehandedly killed my kids, hurt like hell but this shit is worth it.  CJP this is for you and honestly homie you not dying by my hands is... UNFORGIVABLE

I grab my keys to my Dodge Durango, and I tell her to hop in we got a stop to make, I crank up my radio and started blasting some DMX - Get it on the Floor.   Feeling hard I pull up to my destination and like a boss, I order two whoppers with cheese and bacon motha fuckas I love my bacon. I grabbed a shake, a medium Dr. Pepper, and got her a triple stack combo.   Yea, I have no idea where the hell I'm going so BK sounded like the best place right now seeing how she kicked my ass before I could eat. As I'm chowing down on a whopper, I'm asking where the hell her headquarters is located and who's who of this Crazy 7 is.  After telling me the location of their headquarters, she explains them in no particular order and breaks down their every movement then tells me I may need more than sheer wit/craziness and shoes to defeat them. We arrive at 666th St. & Death Ave. which is the exact location of Hellbound Inc...  Funny thing is I used to deliver pizzas to them all the time funny how this might end up being the place that I might die. Always figured I could start a business of my own and be partners with them. She says since she won't be of much help to me the one thing she gives me is her bat and a phone number just in case things get too crazy.   She kisses me on the cheek then punches me telling me out of my car saying that was for that distraction. I get ready to head inside the building and she yells to me "What's my name?" I turn around and tell her, "I'll tell you when and/or if I live; I got to save something for our date."

I read the list that's on the back of the number she gave me and if I read this right up first is some asshole named Smiles.  His room is located on the seventh floor, I punch the first motha fucka I see and lay the smackdown on the guy he's talking to.  Honestly, I think they're just janitors, but I needed to break some stuff, so they were great practice. I find this one dude named Ramon and I introduce him to my Size W-2 across the face which in respect to the wall behind him wasn't that pleasant of a meeting.   I grab a hammer from one of the janitors and welcome the next group of wannabe fighters to the ass whooping their momma should have gave em. I let them know, "I'm Blacky Chan and it is hammer-time." as I catch every last one of them with a quick smack to the head via hammer.   With every head I see I pretend they're a mole and start whacking them left and right. I threw the hammer at one of them and when it bounced off their head I caught and cracked the next two on the head. Flipping the hammer around, I started using the claw part to make a few stab and grabs.   Feeling like a smooth criminal I started James Browning on their asses, man I wish I had those Dutch Hamiltons right about now, I'd be able to start crackin' em with my footwork. Feeling the moment I smack fingers, toes, eyes, lips, heads, asses, and even a few noses just so they know they ain't fucking around with a regular somebody from South Krispy, Illinois.  Having cleared the way I finally make it to the elevator and head up to the seventh floor. Something about that floor is making me want to turn around and go cry to Randy's momma about how I killed him. Sorry, I love messing with Randy's mom about how I killed him that shit is like Dave Chappelle hilarious. 

The elevator door opens to a closed-door that has a 9 hanging upside down making a 6, I guess that would make him Killer 6: Smilz.  I open the door to an all-white room with a man in nothing but white pants on sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. He's got his head down and arms out like he's doing yoga or something, and I notice he's got this weird necklace on with what appears to be teeth stringed on it. The room is pretty large, with no furniture what-so-ever, just white with a peculiar smell.  The man lifts his head and asks me to look around tell him how many people have died in this room. Honestly, I have no clue what the hell he's talking about until I decide to look up… why in the hell did I lookup? What the hell possessed me to lookup? Above me, with dozens of torn corpses bound to ceiling with their mouths gaping open, in my head I'm like, "what kind of Jeepers Creepers bullshit is this?"  I stop looking down to realize that the man is now standing and has this creepy smile on his face showing his extra pearly white teeth. Guessing this is why they call him Smilz. I quickly realize it's not his teeth that gave him that name it's the teeth around his neck. This son of a bitch is deadly seeing that there's no weapon around him, not even knife, it's safe to say this motha fucker did this all by hand, but how?  Yep, another dumb question to ask in a situation like this, he stretches out his hands and shows me how he did motha fucka has knives embedded in his nails and from the sheen I just saw they're clean and sharp as hell. He tells me not to bleed on his floor, and I'm like bitch don't you bleed on my shoes. This motha fucka is fast as fuck, I didn't have time to react to first swipe caught my face, I try to block the next one, but he breaks my guard then cuts my chest… my bloody chest.  I start swinging my hammer hoping to catch this fool in the head, but to show me what I'm fucking with; he cuts my wrist then slices my hammer out of my hand. Bun-Bun failed to mention any of this to me because now I'm running trying to create some space, but at every turn I make he meets me with a swipe and stab. Even when I try to parry, the motha fucka is right in my face, with that creepy ass smile of his. What kind of Saber-tooth Freddy Krueger bullshit is this, I mean damn dudes running on all fours like he's saber-tooth or some shit.  I try to use the bat she gave me, but this is getting ridiculous he's got the bat scouted and is just avoiding it like it's nothing. He kicks it out of my hand making sure this just a hand-to-hand fight. I start trying to pick out a pattern in how he attacks, there's almost nothing to go on, but when this fucker starts doing a wall run I wait and catch him with a mean right. Knocking him to ground, I quickly try to capitalize, but he catches me with a swift kick then a cut for my efforts. I try to call a time-out and ask for some water, but he merely smiles and shakes his head no.   Grateful, for the distraction he just gave me I quickly activate my custom on my Shady Slims Switchback edition which provides an array of blades. I go Ichi the Killer on his ass switching to a razor blade on the back of both, just so I can go swipe a kick with his ass. I dodge a swipe of his and catch him with a clean slice across the arm, and I try to hit a spinning back kick, but he wisely evades it. I see homie doesn't like my Shady Slims guess it's been a while since he's seen his own blood, and I'm getting loose because it's on now. He tries to tiger pounce my ass, but I dodge it and roll back into him with a double kick with him nearly missing my blades.  I come at him with a butterfly kick he dodges but I get a good chunk of his hair, he comes swiping at me again, but I block it pushing him back giving me enough room to John Woo Kick his ass. He feels a bit off, I can see the look of frustration in his eyes, and that little fucked up smiled of his is slowly disappearing. We go swipe for kick again and again, but I'm started to get the advantage because his arms are getting tired and I'm limber as fuck right now. The game-changer comes when he misses a swipe and I ax kick his hand off with my blade, then back kick him in the chest to give him time to realize what happened. Man did that smile disappear fast, a look of fear flashed across his face, and with one hand I doubt he's going to do much damage.   Like a wounded animal he starts swinging widely hoping he can get a piece of me to make it even. I'm like does he not realize that he's only a level one villain; he's going down right here right now, he better carry that shit. I switch my slims to TCM (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and it's headhunting time, I let that mofo take one more swipe because it's his last and I come down with another ax kick to sever that arm of his and follow up with a back kick to the gut cutting open his guts, one more to both his shins, then follow up with a nice roundhouse to his neck. Boy did that head go flying, Shady Slims $36.99, Switchback custom $7.69, having a homeboy to hook you up (Varies), a bottle of Mr. Pibb $1.16, and the look on that motha fuckas face when that head landed PRICELESS.  Noticing a camera in the far left corner, I grab that somamabitch's head and throw it at the camera letting them know I'm coming for them. I cut up his pants with his hand and made some bandages and with 1 down I got about 5 motha fuckas to go plus one asshole of a boss to deal with.

Realizing I had left my shotgun back in the car, I really feel like an ass, for going in half prepared.  Regardless, I head to floor 9 which according to this paper is Killer 5: Shell-Shock's lair. How in the hell do you have a layer on the 9th floor, this building is weird and these killers have some weird-ass names.   As soon as I get to the floor I'm greeted with an explosion that sends me flying back. Like what the hell is it with me and flying? As soon as I hit the air, I hear I'll Fly Away playing… really? I hit the ground and try to shake it off because this mother fucker was ready for me.   Son of a bitch has a tank… who the fuck has a tank in a damn room? He's gearing to shoot another blast, but I start running like a damn bitch because I don't want to die. He pops out of the hatch flinging grenades at me, and I start batting them back at his ass hoping that slows his tank down.  After a few grenades batted back at him I mess up something in his system because the thing starts acting up. He pops the hatch and tales me to state my name before I can even talk he flings another fucking grenade at me and shoots it. And again I'm airborne... When I land I notice this He's got guns out the yang and I'm like why did I leave that damn shotgun in the car.  He yells to me "Who the fuck is you?" I only respond to him saying I'm No-Name, and he's all gung-ho about the situation and starts firing at me. He pulls down this bullshit Gatling gun. I hear that damn whirling sound and I know what's next so I get up and start running. Bullets are just flying, and I'm running for my life while wondering how big this room is actually? I don't have any kind of projectile what so ever, while I'm trying to duck I see a grenade comes flying at me.  Fuuuuck how many grenades does this asshole have? Then another shows up, fuck me sideways, I get up trying to run but the explosions catch me and send me flying into the wall. Seriously I should be dead, but this guy is just toying with me. He's got more guns than explosives and he's spending a shit load of time rambling about shit from the war. I see this as an opening and switch my shoes to razor and chuck one at him and like George Bush he ducks this one like a G and starts shooting at me again.  Running I duck and hide again, I remember I got this damn Bat and one shoe left, I see another grenade coming and sick of this shit I bat it back to him. He must have been having a flashback because He didn't see that coming, but he manages to move out of the way avoiding the explosion, thinking fast I chuck my other shoe at him with the chainsaws on high-buzz. He barely dodges this one and I get him across the face, slightly off of his game I charge at him with the bat, but he got kung-fu grip catching it with one hand.  Just what I wanted I switch the bat to the double blade feature and I off his fingers, just as he uses his other hand to go for his knife. He still instinctually takes a swipe at me, he's now in full combat mode, and I'm ready for his ass with this bat. He's got one good hand and I got a bladed bat; I'm wondering who's walking out of this fight alive. He takes a few jabs, and swing after each one of em, he kicks my knee, but I take a swing as I'm going down. I roll back to my feet staying prepared for this mother, but he stays on the offense repeated swiping and kicking at me.  I swing and catch him at the knee, bringing him down for a minute, and I do a Great Muta Pose then go for a shining wizard. I connect but he holds on to my leg and gets me in a submission hold, similar to an STF, but he's got me a cobra-clutch like a sleeper hold. He's choking the shit out of me and I only have one arm free, guess he evened the odds quickly. I feel myself slipping like this motha fucka might just choke me to death or break my damn neck. With my free arm, I feel around and remember that this motha fucka has guns. Trying to be quick as hell I grab one and blast him in the leg twice, not wanting to let go I grab another and double tap him in the side.  He loosens the hold and tries to get the gun, but I smack him with the double-bladed bat, but his helmet prevents it from being a kill through the head. I get ready to shoot him, but he kicks the gun out of my hand then roundhouse kicks me to ground. He grabs his knife and tries to go for my neck, but by luck, I trigger a blade from that bat to shoot him through his throat. He salutes me and goes down, DAAAAMN that was nice didn't expect that to happen, man Bun-Bun went easy on me if this bat is this damn bat is badass. While I'm tripping over how sweet that kill was, I fail to notice this motha fucka has another grenade in his hand and he's flipped the ring with him giving me the middle finger.  I'm just stuck looking like you raggedy bitch, and duck hoping I survive… Luckily for me, it was a dud, and the bastard dies still giving me the finger. Man, I damn near shit myself, now I'm down to just one blade in this bat, and no shoes. I pray to God this won't end up being some sort of die-hard situation and some asshole put glass on the floor. Wait, fuck that shit I got time I can find these damn shoes, and finish this situation. I hop back into the elevator and head to the next floor, I smell smoke for some reason and hope there isn't fire because this would suck. 

Fuck … My… LIFE!!! Killer 4: Havik…This son of a bitch has the damn floor littered with glass and hot coal.   I try to walk the coal with my shoes on, bad idea because they start melting within the first few steps of this firewalk.   Shoes were definitely a bad idea, I get out of them just to end up on the coal which makes me fall and now my ass is burning.  Thank god I didn't shit myself, but man this is getting ridiculous, that son of a bitch is on perch lighting up a Molotov cocktail.  I guess this would explain the glass because he's just throwing them on the coal fueling the flames and heat. Trying to show how badass he is, he jumps on to the coals barefoot.  Then he grabs two chains, setting them on fire, he starts swinging them around getting some momentum behind them. If I wasn't too busy trying to keep my feet from burning or avoiding glass, I'd probably think that shit would be cool to look at, but hell no this bitch ass motha fucka is cheating.  He starts trying to whip my ass, for each one those swings that land I'm getting burned, man what kind of white slave master bullshit is this? A flaming chain whip; are we fucking re-enacting Castlevania? Not planning on letting it end on a sadistic video game, I get my bat ready to do some damage, but this motha fucka cheats and tries whips it out of my hands.  The bat is getting hot as hell and I know if I let this shit go, I'm done for because it's my only defense at the moment. We're doing some tug of war shit and my hands are starting are burning fast, thinking quickly I let the motha fucka have the bat and he gets caught in the face. Taking the damn pain, I hit him with a Liu Kang Kick that sends his ass flying back; staying moving I bring the fight to his face.   I'm punching the shit out of him at every step I take and this motha fucka only has walls coming up so he doesn't have much anywhere to go. He chain whips my leg makes me fall on my back. FUUUUUUUUUCK this is hot, I'm scooting trying to get up as fast as I can, but this fucker has these chains coming in one after another keeping me moving. I finally scurry to my feet and wait for those chains to come in and charge him as soon as he goes for the next swipe, thinking fast I catch him with a nasty guyver kick that sends him reeling.  He tries to regroup but I kick his ass in the gut and catch him with a Canadian Destroyer on the coal and that fucks his shit up guess he doesn't like heat as much as he thought. My pants catch fire from the coals and my legs are getting cooked, but I got this motha fucka now can't afford to spend too much time fanning flames. Figure I'll use his ass to put em out, evoking Ong Bak Spirit of Tony Jaa I unleash hell on this motha fucka with kick after flaming motha fucking kick. Feel the burn motha fucka feel the burn, channeling my inner Street Fighter I summon the strength of Ken and hit his flaming tornado kick (Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku) on his ass.  Going crazy on his ass I set my hands on fire and start fire punching this son of a bitch. I start delivering some MK style kick=punch combos on him, then I reach the ultimate Tony Danza level and I jump the shark on this motha fucka delivering a M. Bison stomp to this motha fucka driving him face-first into the coal. Not finished with him I summon the hateful spirit of Super Dragon and deliver a vicious curb stomp to this son of a bitch putting him down for life. FATALITY – Black Kobaihashi wins

I grab my bat and head back to the elevator with three more motha fuckas to kill, I figure let me stop fucking around get some damn guns.  Heading back to Shell Shock's floor, I stack up on a few guns, clean some wounds, hell I even go back and grab some rations then take a nap.   Feeling like a badass, I accept each killer is getting tougher and tougher I might not even have enough in to finish this. Then I remember I got a friend to avenge, and a chick worth fighting for… not really she could have done this herself.  Heading back into the elevator, it's time for Killer 3: T-Viper just so he knows I'm not fucking around, I blast this son of a bitch on sight, bet his ass wasn't expecting me to be in a tank. I back up into the elevator and head up to the next floor, time for Killer 2: Hell-Hound and I bet he was expecting some epic ass cat and mouse game.  Bitch I'm in a fucking tank, that shoots some big ass bullets, so FUCK-THAT-SHIT. Oh, I bet your ass is in that perch, yep the eagle's nest. Yep, you could pick my ass off from anywhere I ran. Yep, I see the son of a bitch pop up when the Tank comes into the room knocking down the door. I blast his ass to smithereens when I see the white of his eyes, I flip him off as I back into the elevator even get the hydraulics on this thing working making it bounce on my way out.   So, I head to next floor, motha fucking Killer 1: Bad Motha Fuckn Romeo, this one should be easy as hell since I got this damn Tank. Spoke too soon, this has to be the cheapest somamabitch I've ever seen; he looks like one of those anime rock punks with the flashy hair, but his bitch ass look on his face has me wondering why he's Killer 1. He doesn't look like a threat, but man did he make me look dumb as hell. In one swipe, my tank cannon was sliced in two. He sits down and grabs his drink then looks at me and says, "Ya mad?" then points to the tattoo on his chest that reads Don't Give a Fuck.  He looks like he just stepped out of a damn video game, but in my head I'm thinking, "I gots to kill this cocky prick." I hop out of the tank and get ready for this confrontation, I got my bat in hand, and it's time to go Killer Instinct on his ass. His blade is not that unique it's like one of those gun blades from Final Fantasy 8, except he's got Juliet engraved on the side. Can this get anymore lame? I mean if this guy succeeds in killing me I think Randy would finally have his revenge after the death I gave him. I switch my bat to the last blade and polarize that shit making into a beam blade, yea would have come in handy earlier, but this son of a bitch thinks he's fucking Captain Cool or some shit.  We fucking charge like two angry samurais and clash blades, that gun blade of his is strong as hell because he's barely putting forth the effort in blocking me. I swinging like a mad man and he's just being graceful as fuck blocking every hit, what kind of bullshit is this? I swing at his head, but he blocks and locks blades with the gun part of the blade facing my face. He looks like he's going to pull the finger and shoot me but I deck him in the eye. He's like, "Bitch really?" I simply tell him to look at his tattoo and suck a dick. We clash blades again but he gets to the better of this exchange by tripping me and taking a swipe at my head. He does a somersault slash, but I block it then push him back so I can roll away.  Though this motha fucka looks like a punk bitch he's pretty damn good, just when I'm about to compliment the son of a bitch he goes and shows off his damn agility. I'm just thinking how fucking cheap can you get, but of course I can't talk I just wasted two guys with a damn tank, but can ya blame me? This motha fucka in the sky about to pull some raging Phoenix slash shit on me, but my beam blade bat manages to withstand the strike causing a wave of energy to blast out the windows on this floor. The blades are just pulsing from the amount of force going into this clash, trying to hold this son of a bitch back he's just driving more and more down on top of me. Holding with one hand I grab a gun and try to shoot the motha fucka but he quickly switches focus and slashes the gun out of my hand.  I try to Mark McGuire his head off but he seemingly teleports out of the way then tries to come down with a multi-slash. He charges at me with several blade swipes, hoping to land one that will more than likely end me. I fight back coming at him with strikes of my own but he's just parrying everyone last one like he's familiar with this weapon. No shit he's probably trained with Bun-Bun, which gives me an idea. Just when the fucker goes for a thrust, I duck it and hit a Johnny Cage on his ass, but then the most shocking revelation hits me. He's got nothing down there… He looks down and asks again, "Ya Mad?" and points to his tattoo… Haha distraction bitch and I slice this bastard right up the middle. I flip his two halves off and take his damn shoes, bitch that shit was UNFORGIVABLE.  

Moving forward I take the elevator all the way up to the next level of the building which is a giant ass room.   I was thinking this would be the end of the damn line and I finally get my hands on that damn monkey. When that same fucking voice comes through an intercom, he reveals he's Simon and that he's pissed that I've killed his men, and personally wants to rip me a new one.   Damn, I should have said that to that groin-less asshole I just cut in half, shit a wasted opportunity for humor. The damn bastard tells me that he's got a surprise in store for me, in my head I'm thinking that the chick probably betrayed me and I have to fight her again.  Man was I wrong again. I walk into the room and lights click on revealing a man in black standing in the middle of the room. I'm thinking this can't be the monkey I have to kill unless evolution is actually fully true and he's the missing link or some shit. Wrong again, it's a demon from my past reincarnated into a mechanical killing machine.  It is motha fuckin Harvey Two-Tone 2.0 and his I-Suede Shoes before I can finish my next thought I get a punch that sends me into the next life, his next one doesn't even give my body time to react. It happens so fast, the hesitation was longer than it took for Victor's head to slide in half when time finally caught up with me all I knew was I was now implanted into the wall.  He comes flying in for another, but I just barely manage to move out of the way, or so I thought. This bastard catches me with his leg and moves me back into his punch. This dude switches to Fuck-U-^ mode and unleashes a flurry of rights and lefts that just keep from falling either way. He pauses for a second and uppercuts the shit out of my ass and before I can go airborne he jumps up above me and drives me down with a double stomp.   The impact leaves a crater in the floor, he steps off of me and lifts me up with his leg, holds me up with the same leg, then spinning back kicks me back into the wall. He charges the wall and pummels me even further into the dent, he's just using my face as a literally punching bag but I'm not bouncing back. This mechanized piece of shit pulls me out and tosses me up and springs up and hits me with a flying headbutt grabs me and drives me back down into the ground with a vengeance.  This bitch starts moon-walking, spins, poses, and screams like Michael. I can barely move much less like I even want to, but there's somehow still a spark of life left in me, he walks up to me, steps on the bat breaking it, and cocks his leg all the way back vertical style then punts the living hell out of me. This should be the thing that kills me because as soon as that foot connects I see my life flash before my eyes and there's Randy standing in front of me in all white. He's just laughing telling me those I had about him were funny as hell, he tells me he forgives me for shooting him saying he would have done the same thing.   Randy then says it's not my time, and gives me a pair of Patrick Swayze Ghost Walks - RH classic. He then tells me that I was right he did steal my Ed Tubmans, but he tells me that's some cryptic shit I'm not ready for. Randy says hang in there because this shit is going to hurt, I'm like wait what shit… oh yea that bastard kicked me. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! That's all you hear when he hits me, and when I go through the wall. Didn't realize I was this far up in the building this fall is really high. I look at my feet and realize I'm now wearing those Patrick Swayze Ghost Walks. I start singing Unchained Melody invoking the power of the PS himself.   Charging up to maximum Road House thuggery, I get in tune with my star player, and get back into this fight. I catch his punch and crush his fist and start delivering a ballistic barrage of punches to this fucker's stomach. Not going to prolong this like a damn DBZ fight I start catching him with roundhouse kicks at every turn hell it's like a damn pinball machine because this damn jackass is bouncing back n forth after every kick I deliver. I light him up with a quick roundhouse flurry, and channel my energy into Swayze and release a Spirit Beam that damn near obliterates him. I'm not done because I'm ambidextrous with the whoop-ass, as I machine gun punch his head into fragments of scraps.  Once again I take his damn shoes and assimilate them into my Patrick Swayzes. Metallic holiness at their finest some Patrick Swayze IMacs: Ghost in the Shell-House custom.  

I head into the elevator and take a long ass ride to the top floor; I mean this is a ridiculous long ride.  I thought this building wasn't even that tall, but I guess I was wrong. Luckily this damn dude doesn't have bad taste in music, but I get the feeling I'm going to be in this one for all or nothing.  This might be the end right here, and I'm still wondering if I'd ever get that date with that girl. When the elevator finally came to a stop, I felt that it was game time, it's either now or never and hopefully the asshole typing this story doesn't decide to kill me, yea I'm talkin about you Nash…  As soon as I step out of the elevator, I hear a beeping noise and realize it's a bomb. Thinking fast I dive out of the way just as it explodes, I look up to see a monkey with his arms crossed wearing a white jacket. It looks like he's balancing on one leg but it turns he's hanging from a pole by one leg and choking Bun-Bun with the other.    That fucker has my soon to be girl, I demand he drops her and he just chuckles at me. With her almost dead he drops her and flips to the ground before me staring intensely into my eyes. He begins his usual villain speech with "So, you've once against bested my greatest killer, Harvey Two-Tone, I've been aware of you for a long time. I see you've run through the rest of my killers and spared one.  Either you've saved her for last, or you've developed some sort of pact regardless I've no use for her now. This will all be irrelevant in a matter of minutes; I can tell by your battle wounds that you've experienced a great amount of pain. Now you've got to deal with me and oh by the way your friends at the movies are dead; Eye for an Eye sir, eye for an eye. I told you that you need to take better care of your friends, all while you were killing off my men, I killed your friends in one blow oh sorry I meant one bomb.  Sir, we've come to an end and only one of us is walking out of this alive, or we both die. Oh, if you're wondering about her, pray you're the one who lives because I stay alive I'll probably snap that pretty little neck of hers with my tail. Sorry, I'm not fond of traitors. Usually I'd kill one on the spot, but my quarrel is with you at the moment. Before we begin this battle, I must know what your name is?" Pissed off, and ready to fucking rip this monkeys head off I yell to him that I'm the No-Name motha fucka, from Crysco aka South Krispy, Illinois and bitch I'm here to kill you all kinds of dead.  He responds, "Well No Name Motha Fucka from South Kripsy, Simon says you die!!! Have at thee!" He tosses me and a katana and whips out one his own, we start clashing again and again. The theme from Highlander starts playing as we constantly take strikes at each other. It's like he respects me as a fighter, but wants to end my streak of killing. With each strike he takes, it's like he doing it for his fallen warriors. I take a twirling swipe at him, but he blocks spins around and takes a swipe at me. I parry it and thrust at him, he dodges and tries to go behind me, but I meet him with a back thrust that almost ends him.  He instinctually goes above my head, and tries to come down on top with a slash, but I block that and pop him back in the air. I place my sword upward thinking he'd land on it, but he uses his tail to wrap around my head to avoid it using that as momentum to fling me over. I try to draw my sword again but he kicks it out of my hand, then I knock his out of his hand with a swift kick. We start boxing trading back and forth punches, each of us having to adjust to the other's size and height. He's catching me in my sides, taking my shots at my kidneys with me constantly smacking him in the face. I'm growing tired and finding hard to breath and he's getting a little shaken up by each strike I take.  Trying to gain the upper hand I start using an array of kicks to keep him at bay, he tries to go high I catch him with a jump kick, when he goes back to the ground I answer with a low kick and sweep. He flies at me and I hit him with a well placed Roundhouse Kick. I feeling like Blackie Chan again, but for kick and punch me makes I'm answer back with my own. He kicks me in the face but as I go down I catch him with a well placed guyver kick. I backspin my way back up to my feet and come at him with a butterfly kick and then a roundhouse punch, keeping him guessing. He comes at him with flurry of punches but I drop him with a well placed John Woo kick that he doesn't appreciate. Trying some monkey see monkey do shit, he tries to hit me with a John Woo, but I was ready for it. I catch him by the legs and start swinging him around, try to toss him off the building but he grabs a pole and swings around catches me with a flying head scissor takeover that takes me inside out.  He goes for a hurricanrana of sorts but I put a stop to his Rey Mysterio antics with a powebomb double knee backbreaker. Let me find out he was thinking of doing some 619 bullshit, as I flip him off for his efforts. He charges me with another kick, but I catch him with another backbreaker he doesn't like too much. He quickly flings a knife at me that I manage to catch to but follows up with throwing a ball of shit at my face. Disgusted I charged the monkey but he outwits me by leaping over me and catching me with a dropkick. Trying to be quick to recover I spin around and grab his tail and fling him to the ground, but he pulls me in close and flips me over. He pulls out two knives (where the fuck is he getting these knives?) And dives at me, but I manage to avoid them. He switches the knives for two pistols and starts shooting at me, but I answer with my own guns and we have an old-fashioned shoot off. I'm gliding through the air shooting at him, with him responding with shots of his own.   He's smaller and able to dodge most of my bullets, this punk keeps moving keeping me from getting a good shot off at him. We end up standing right in front of each other ready to shoot the other, but we've both run out of bullets or so I thought, as he uses his feet to pull out two more guns… fucking cheap bastard. He starts firing away, but I matrix the shit out of those bullets. I then back flip and whip out my last two pistols and fire back at his ass, but he pulls some Red Scorpion shit and spiral dodges each of them. We seem to be equal matched, as we standoff for a second, respecting each other's skills or for me my luck and he his skill. He flings more shit at me and starts shooting again, I freeze frame for a second and toss my guns up then start deflecting his bullets with my belt, Pootie Tang ain't the only one who can pull this shit. I use my belt to whip his guns out of his hands and start whooping him for this bullshit. Putting my belt back on, I catch my guns and start firing at this bastard hoping for the kill shot, but this damn monkey is pulls some cheap shit and freeze frames and throws shit in my face… UNFORGIVABLE.   Growing sick of this shit, I toss my guns down and grab that damn monkey and start punching the shit out of him, I'm ambidextrous with the whoop ass motha fucka as I pound him with my lefts and rights. This bastard pulls some monkey see monkey do shit and flips me over then answers back with some rights and lefts of his own putting the hurt to my face. He goes primal and starts clawing and scratching at my face, he tries to bite but I deck the shit out of his monkey ass. I'm like Simon fuck this shit, you bouts to die, but he yells back you didn't say Simon says. I'm like what the fuck? He flies at me and starts choking me with all hands and feet, I struggle to say, Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape. So, I pluck the shit out of his eyes and he screams like the bitch ass primate that he is. Distraction and I deck him across the face, but that damn tail of his drags me with him. He goes towards the ledge then almost goes over, but since I'm being dragged by his tail I take him over the edge. With no time to spare I'm falling to my death, using his tail I pull him up and put my hands around this monkey's throat, choking the shit out of him.  If I die at least I know he dies; we both die yep we'll most definitely die. Except only problem is he has a tail which just grabbed hold of a flagpole with me still choking him. He starts clawing at my eyes trying to get me to let go, and with my hands slipping I might just die right here. I try gauging his eyes out, but he's refusing to give up on killing me. Seeing a window, I use him to swing into it in hopes of crashing through the glass. Barely breaking through it we crash to the floor, and we're both just out of it. I mean damn I've had some tough ass fights before this but fucker refuses to surrender. Slowing getting up, I try to get summon the forces of Patrick Swayze again to get my I-Macs working on full charge, but for some reason my abilities seem to be nullified. The monkey gets up chuckling; he tells me that it was foolish to fuse my shoes with the technology that he created, and that it can never harm him while he's still living. He explains I've basically made a dud, feeling like an idiot, I brace myself for combat. The monkey kips up, and with glowing red eyes prepares to do battle with me once again. We glare at each other then with a glowing force he charges at me with a thousand palm death strike, most I block but for each one, I can't keep up with it deals me a great amount of pain.  He hits me with a double palm strike that should put me down for the count, but he starts jumping on me pounding with fist after fist of monkey fury. Showing a great deal of strength me lifts me and flings me across the room but before I can even hit the ground he catches my face with a vicious kick. I'm spent if he attacks with something great now I'm done… Thanks Nash, death by a monkey this is UNFORGIVABLE. Then it hits me I still have that number that girl gave me, it's almost destroyed, but I manage to make it out. The monkey is pacing waiting for me to do something if I can, but I take the time I have to make a phone call for 1-800-4ST-Rage. Just as Simon gets ready to attack me with some giant flaming evil faced monkey claw, time freezes and I hear a siren out of nowhere then several squad cars show up and fire a maelstrom of fireballs at the roof. Not sure how they don't do damage to me but that monkey catches all of it, and like Denzel Washington from Training Day he gets fucked up like Denzel Washington from Training Day. Like DAAAMNN you got fucked up homie, I start crawling to monkey, and see he's barely alive. I put my hands around his neck and go to snap his neck, I'm like this was a great fight but Simon this is it. I break the shit out of his neck, and roll over feeling it's finally over. I get up and try to limp up to the roof to go check on Bun-Bun, after take the long ass flight of stairs, I finally make it to the roof and see that she's fine.  She asks me if it's over, and I'm like yea thanks for giving me that number, it paid off. She asked me how did I kill him, and I tell her that I snapped his neck. For some reason she's gets this frightened Oh no look on her face, and she tells me that was a bad idea. I'm like the damn Monkey was barely alive and I just put him out of his misery, but she then tells me that letting writhe in pain would have been the better idea. I'm like what the fuck is she talking about and then she lays it on me that he has a failsafe device built into his body that if someone were to ever physically kill him he'd return stronger than ever. Thinking to myself, what the fuck kind of shit is that, and before I can say anything to her we hear this rumbling noise from below. The building starts to shake and crumble like something was destroying from the inside, next thing I know we see this giant head appear through the ceiling, and it's Simon or as she puts it Simon X3, apparently I dealt with 2 on that previous floor I was on. We the building getting destroyed form SimonX3's movements we radio a helicopter to get us off of there before we go down with the ship. The helicopter shows up in the nick of time as SimonX3 turns around to try to swipe at us, we get to the ground but as soon as that Helicopter gets back into the air it's destroyed by a Kamehameha Wave. This dude is cheating like a motha fucka, and he's just going on a rampage on the city. The Swat team starts firing on him hoping it take down the monster, but he just kicks them out of the way, popping a few up and playing Kamehameha t-ball with them.  He's just smashing buildings and monster raping the city with great ease, but as it seemed like there was nothing to stop him my shoes glow. My Patrick Swayze I-Macs apparently recognized Simon's first death and were finally able to turn on to full power. I feel the power of the Swayz kicks on again, any second later and I may have squashed. I go into Ghost in the Shell-House mode and like a G3 Jonin Super Human Samurai I power-up and go take the fight to this bastard. I'm coming at him with blow after blow; I unleash a giant-sized Hadouken to smack that bitch face. Flying that very wave I start punching and kicking the shit out of his face, he shuts my shit up with a giant headbutt, and I answer with my own. He blasts me with his Kamemeha Wave that takes out me and everything in its path, recovering fast I come at him with a Tenkaichi Hadouken Primal Rage Style that does him some damage. I fly into him like a high powered bullet that drives the air out of him, I grab that Gorilla Kong wannabe bastard and lift him up into the air and powerbomb him back down into the city. That creates a giant crater in the earth, scientifically speaking this should have destroyed everything in a 30 mile + radius but nah it's just a huge dent in the city… just saying. Thinking I finally put this beast down I do an epic war cry thinking I'm Goku or some shit, but this motha fucka just doesn't know when to stay the fuck the down. His mouth and opens up and BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHS the fuck out of me with a laser of pure energy that blasts me back into the sky. I'm almost out of the damn atmosphere before I regain myself and activate something I didn't want to use.   Going Full Swayze I summon the Ghost in the Shell-House Ultimate Attack: Raging Deathicorn of Doom and with Ecstasy of Gold playing as I come charging down on my gallant beast I put my knees into for a fiercer blow. We're spiraling down like a flaming rainbow of doom; we come crashing down on the giant golden white-haired ape and with a great explosion that ends with my Deathicorn's head flying towards out into nowhere. Both I and the ape are down, I'm possibly dead and I see that monkey has shriveled back to size. I'm not moving and all I can think about is if that girl survived any of this because she still owes me a date. Almost at peace with dying, I hear movement, and all I'm thinking is Nash you bastard you couldn't let it end on that note? Nope… Simon is somehow still alive and struggling to get back to his feet, I'm not moving if he does anything right now I'm dead. He grabs a pipe and gets ready to drive it into my throat; I don't have much strength to do anything worth fighting him. I seriously doubt I can even muster up any kind of strength at all; it's been a good ride Nash… but FUUUU… I all of a sudden hear a shotgun being racked, and Bun-Bun yells, "CATCH" and throws my shotgun to me with whatever strength I have I catch that shotgun and as Simon tries to drive that pipe into my throat I rack that bastards head clean off his shoulders. "Simon says you're dead bitch, game over you fuckin ape bastard." It was finally over, and before I can even close my eyes I'm kissed by Bun-Bun. Sadly, she doesn't realize that the damn kiss hurts like hell, but whatever I will endure this because if I didn't that'd be… UNFORGIVABLE. She helps me up to my feet, and she tells me that date is on her since I actually survived this damn challenge.   In my head, I'm like chick this shit was ridiculous if I didn't have a writer that actually gives a shit about me I'd be dead at any moment. She tells me her real name is Jennifer/Jeff for short and asks me what the fuck mine is? I tell her it's Sue… (Kidding) seriously it's Ricky Bobby. She laughs and says she'll call me Ricky that Bobby shit doesn't fly with her. We walk back to my car and I realize my beauty is trashed, but she tells me she's got that covered and pulls out this weird keychain signals her bike to come to her. Nice, a motorcycle that comes by command, she hops on then tells me to get on behind her. Without hesitation, I oblige and get on behind her holding on to her tightly, and like a light cycle from Tron we ride off into the sunrise with Kansas – Carry On My Wayward Son, but she's like fuck that and blasts Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff. Honestly it's her radio I don't care, so I yell Yippee Kai YAY MOTHA FUCKA then lay on her back so I can sleep as she takes a look back and smiles.

End