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Fiction Funny Crime

I guess you could say it all started with the snow. Carter Bild had decided to work late. He had no plans as usual. He never had any. And that’s when the snowstorm hits. And where I should probably start my story. Uh, hello by the way, it’s me, an unimportant narrator person thing. Anyway, back to the story. The snowstorm hit and it was worse than ever. There was no way he was going to go back home in a storm like that, because, although he was a workaholic and basically had no life, he was not willing to commit suicide. He wouldn’t call himself a workaholic though, but if you met him, like I did, you probably would too. Ok, so snowstorm, getting stuck blah, blah blah. Oh, and he got stuck with the security guard on night duty. Her name was Sasha. And yes, to all you name gurus out there, ironically Sasha means defender of men. And she’s a security guard. Get it? I’m so hilarious. Anyway, so Carter had walked up to the door of his office block, for some idiotic reason believing that it would look better out the door than out the window, when it’s the same darn storm! Ok so you get the setting and all that, let’s actually start the story.

“Sir, I wouldn’t suggest going out there, the blizzard is dangerous to go out into and even more dangerous to drive in. It would be better to stay in until it’s calmed down and the roads are scraped.” Sasha said. Carter grunted. “I wasn’t going to go out into the storm. And by the way, how do you know I drive a car? For all you know I walk home.” Sasha blinked at him “Sir, I’m a security guard. It’s my job to know.” Carter raised an eyebrow. “Well, isn’t it your job to protect the building and the people in it? Not know if I drive a car or walk?” Sasha sighed and said “It’s so much easier to do my job if I know what’s normal and what’s not. You drive that little silver ford fiesta out front that you always park in the corner parking when you arrive at 7 every morning.” For the first time since he started working there 5 years prior, he actually looked at the security guard. I know, I know, it’s terrible of him. But that’s the type of guy he is. She had long black hair tied up in a bun hanging on the edge of her collar and brown eyes and yada, yada, yada, nothing to out of the ordinary. I guess it’s also important to state that this wasn’t like a law office or anything, it was more of like, you know, one of those places that simply hire out offices to people. Office block with a bunch of random weirdos doing who knows what. He preferred working in an office block, than in a study in his own home. It made his job feel more real, and professional, you know? Or maybe you don’t. It doesn’t really matter.

Anyway, the story, yes. Carter was thinking to himself, wondering, if he could have been so blind that he doesn’t see the security guard when she noticed a bit too much about him already. And that’s when the alarm went off. Where the story really starts. In a swift, somehow impossibly graceful movement, Sasha moved across the lobby to the door and locked it before grabbing her torch and taser. And that’s when the lights went off and the alarm cut. Something was definitely up, was all that was going through her mind. She switched on her torch round about the same time Carter, who had been trying to find the hallway back to his office, tripped over the carpet and landed face down into it. He’s been having a bad day, writer’s block and all that, and had not been able to write so much as a word. And to top it off, he was stuck at the office for probably the rest of the night. So, this build-up of events caused him to, instead of getting up, simply groan a long low “Owwww…” that sounded like he had a bad case of the flu. Not because he actually had one. Just because his nose was smushed into the carpet.

Now illuminated in Sasha’s torch beam was Carter face down, body to the ground, laying there like he’d given up on life. She sighed woefully, thinking about how her job was not just to protect the building, but also the people in it. Which unfortunately included the face down idiot. “Ok, go to your office and stay there until I say that it’s safe. Got it?” The huge lump of the man on the carpet sighed. “I don’t have a torch. My phone is dead.” Honestly, Carter looked so ridiculous, that if I was there, I would have burst out laughing and carried on till my insides feel like they are going to explode. But to Sasha, it was just another annoying day on the job, although it might get a little more interesting with the power outage and the fire alarm. And apparently the blond tall man as a side kick.

“Okay, follow me, stay behind and don’t make too much noise.” Reluctantly Carter dragged himself off the floor and to a somewhat upright position. “Whatever.” He said and took his place behind the security woman. “What’s your name by the way?” She sighed “Call me Sasha. You?” They had started to make their way down the left hallway. Oh, just for clarification, the office block was like one big circle and Carter’s office was round about midway on the most right-hand side hallway. They were entering the left one. Well, technically it’s the same hallway just from the left-hand side. You get my point. “Carter.” He answered. They crept down the hallway to the first door. “Like I said, stay behind me. Get it?” She said. He huffed in reply. He was so over the day, nothing seemed to matter. “Why do you have a taser? Isn’t it illegal for a security guard to have anything but a torch?” Carter asked. “Call it self-defense if anyone asks.” They snuck further down the hallway, like, I don’t know, loud ghosts? I hate metaphors. So, they reached the first door, at which Sasha impossibly quietly opened with a bunch of keys attached to her belt. The door swung open to reveal… an empty office. Well, what were you expecting? THEN, they closed that door and went to the next. And to the next. And to the next. all of them the same. Empty that is, not offices.

I forgot to say that this office is the thirteenth building in a bunch of office block buildings, and no business seemed to want to rent it. To top it off, the numbers were painted red on the sides of the buildings. So, a big red 13 was on the side of this one. I wonder why nobody wanted to rent it. I’m being sarcastic by the way if you can’t tell. So, the owner of these buildings decided to rent out every room singly. Which also means that most of these weren’t actually offices. They were everything from gyms to studios to spa rooms (whatever they’re actually called, I can’t bother to find out) to even a ‘man cave’ which I’m certain was owned by a husband who wanted to escape his monstrous wife. So, room to room these two went, mostly in silence. And as Carter got over his self-pity, he almost started to enjoy himself. It was like catching a piece of everyone’s private life. And to an author like Carter, it was fascinating. But as they came to yet another private gym, a question prickled his scalp.

“Why on earth are you working in security?” Sasha glared at him critically. “Why are you asking that? Because I’m a woman?” He stuck his hands up in defense. “Actually, I thought a young woman like you—” “Think carefully what you say next.” She said pointing the lightless side of her torch to his neck. “—would be working as a policewoman or something. Isn’t building security boring?” Despite herself Sasha was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t what she expected to come out of his mouth. But as you would expect, a badass like Sasha wouldn’t show that “We’re not discussing my life choices. Now shut up.” Carter did a classic child like move and when her back was turned imitated her, lips faced down, head bobbing from side to side. Admit it, we’ve all done that before.

Anyway, bunch more random rooms, until they came to the end of the hallway. The back entrance was pitch black. And the slightest bit open. Carter went from relaxed to tense in like, a split second. “Did you leave that open?” He whispered. She shook her head. Now on high alert, they crept around the corner. This time, Sasha had her taser drawn, if I can call it that, and stretched out in front of her. The next room’s door was unlocked. With her hand on the handle, Sasha motioned for Carter to move out of the space in front of the door. He obeyed. She opened the door and stepped back. And BAM! Bullets started flying out the door into the wall beyond. Like any sane person would do, Carter decided to press himself as flat as he can against the wall without all the bullets ripping through it. When the shooters realized that they were shooting a wall, they stopped. For a few moments, or what felt to Carter like eternity, no one made a move.

To Carter’s unannounced horror, Sasha flew into the room with the hole-in-wall-ripping-men. Ok, before you say anything, I know the story, I’m not being sexist, these two were in fact men. Carter listened as a gun went off and people shuffled and thudded and scrambled.

What actually had happened, was Sasha had run into the room and barreled straight into one of the men, knocking him off of his feet, before rolling to her own and kicking the other man’s gun out of his hand. His finger slipped past the trigger as the gun headed for the roof and a wasted bullet smashed into the wall.

Carter, over his initial shock, was now scared for Sasha’s life. He peeked cautiously round the doorframe. Sasha was about to shoot the one guy with a taser, but the other guy, the guy on the floor, grabbed her leg and tripped her, and the taser missed. She rolled expertly out of the way and proceeded to slam her foot in the standing guy’s face. All I can say is that he wasn’t standing anymore. He was out. The original floor guy now got to his feet and charged. Sasha had been facing the door, so this oaf of a man, blocked Carter’s view to the fight. All that he knew was that a few seconds later, that guy was on the ground again. But the other guy that was knocked out, woke up and magically found his gun. “Put your hands in the air, Evelyn Parker.”

At this moment in time, the specifics of what was going through Carter Bild’s mind was Who’s Evelyn? And Holy mother of cows, he’s got a gun! The oaf spoke again. “The boss has waited so long for a chance to put you down for good. Ain’t nobody that messes with the boss’s family gets away with that.” He growled. “Oh, I can’t even start to describe what was wrong with that sentence.” said a voice behind the oaf. The oaf turned around and WHAM! Carter slammed a baseball bat onto the guy’s head. If you thought Carter would just stand there, you were wrong. Even though it was an office, the baseball bat had been propped up in the corner. “Wow that felt good!” he patted the baseball bat. “Also, what on earth was that about? Evelyn Parker? I thought your name was Sasha!”

Sasha, or Evelyn or whoever she is grinned. “Actually, I specifically said ‘call me Sasha’. I never told you that was my name.” Carter’s imagination was running away with him filled with scenarios of who on earth Sasha/Evelyn could be. “Okay, if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, at least tell me if you’re on of the good guys!” Sasha/Evelyn laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m one of the good guys. I’m a cop who received a bunch of death threats from their boss,” She gestured at the men in front of her “because I built a case against his son and got him arrested. So, I had to leave the precinct until they find him.” Carter stared at her for a few seconds, making her uncomfortable before saying “That’s awesome!” Yeah, I know, not what Sasha/Evelyn was expecting either. Authors have a weird sense of the word ‘awesome’. Don’t judge!

Heavy footsteps approached. In a wordless agreement, they ran outside the room. From the side of the hall where they had come from, including the back door, swarmed men that look similar to the two that had their lights hit out. And from the other side as well. Again, in silent agreement again, they ran back inside the room, and slammed the door behind them. The windows were barred. There wasn’t an escape. “And we’re trapped.” Carter looked up suddenly. He had just remembered an undeveloped idea that he had worked out for his book. Weird time to be thinking of books, am I right? Or am I right? “I got an idea.”

And that is where my story ends.

Okay, maybe not exactly. The point of the story? After they got out of the impossible room using an author’s theory, which I will not reveal because what’s the fun in that? I like making you wonder. Carter helped Evelyn Parker, previously known as Sasha, disappear again and, after a head smashing experience, decided that living out stories were way more exciting than writing them. And so, writing became a hobby and a bit of an over enthusiastic Carter joined the police force. Surprisingly, he moved up to the rank of detective pretty quickly and maybe even more surprisingly, he caught the dude that wanted Evelyn dead. And she came back and blah blah blah. That’s the story. I guess I should say something like the end now. Or am I supposed to give a summary. Ug, fine. The point of the story was to show how Carter went from a bored, slightly depressed author, to one of the best detectives that the world had ever seen, by getting snowed in. There. Now, the end.

Or not technically the end, because they’re still out there now and that’s no story should end in the middle. So maybe I should just say goodbye. Okay, yes, goodbye reader, I hope I entertained you for a little while at least. Keep on being… you…? I guess? Can I say that if I haven’t met you? I don’t know anymore. Anyway, I go to go now. Cheers!

January 19, 2021 11:59

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2 comments

Tia Jackson
10:44 Jan 20, 2021

I love this. Especially the narrator. And the phrase ‘unannounced horror’ like Wow. It’s so original

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Rain Ashford
11:46 Jan 20, 2021

Thank you!<3

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