The Best Made Plans...

1367 wds.

Harold Bowlby

THE BEST MADE PLANS…

Robert and Elwood had planned so meticulously that it should have worked perfectly. They made several dry runs and worked out every glitch and contingency possible. Rob the bank; head for the interstate; get off at the first exit; one block to the park; change cars; head for Wyoming; (who would look for them in Wyoming? Who robs a bank and heads for Wyoming?) and they would be rich and free.  Robert stopped the car across the street from the bank. Elwood exited and got into an older vehicle which was parked directly in front of The First Bank and Trust. They parked it there deliberately yesterday to insure that the space would be available today. Robert circled the block and double-parked directly behind him. He then pulled out allowing Robert to park in the vacated parking spot. Elwood then deposited the older car at the first available parking spot and returned to join his partner in crime in the front seat of the light blue Ford Fusion. At promptly 9 Am they exited their vehicle and sauntered casually toward the front door of the bank just as the young manager was turning the key to open the establishment. They reached under their hats and pulled down their stocking masks; Robert grabbed the unsuspecting guard from behind and held a pistol to his head. Elwood tossed a bag to each teller instructing them to “Fill ‘em now or he dies.” The tellers complied while at the same time depressing the foot alarm to summon the police. The robbers were aware of this and had timed their plan accordingly. Clutching their ill-gotten profit they ran for the car and slipped away seconds before the police arrived. They were in luck for the morning traffic was light and they arrived at the interstate ahead of schedule The rest was supposed to be a piece of cake. I say supposed to be because they hadn’t counted on Gertrude and Eloise, in their 20 year old Blue Buick, who at the time of the robbery were entering the Interstate two miles from the entrance ramp the robbers were planning to use. The getaway car entered the ramp and slipped onto the interstate right behind the old Blue Buick which was moving at the same speed as two slow moving Semi-Trucks in the other lane. Robert slammed his hands down disgustedly on the steering wheel. “Get around ‘em! Get around ‘em!” Elwood shouted. “I’m tryin’ Elwood! I’m tryin’!” Inside the Buick, Gertrude and Eloise were in an animated discussion about the latest news to come over the gossip line. “I heard that Rupert is leaving Jane and moving in with Alice Meadows.” “You don’t mean it! He’s twice her age at the least!” “That’s not all. I heard she was expecting!” Eloise gasped and clasped her hands together near her throat. Gertrude was so involved in her story that she was paying little attention to her driving. Thus, she found herself weaving on to the emergency strip then back to the right traffic lane.  Robert attempted to go around her using the emergency lane but she wandered into his path again. He slammed his hands on the steering wheel again. “This is insane!” “Not to worry,” Elwood chimed in. He pointed straight ahead to where a couple of cars were leaving the freeway just a quarter of a mile ahead. “There’s our exit.”  At what seemed like the pace of a New York City traffic jam they made their way slowly toward their destination. “Once we’re past that Buick we’ve got it made,” Elwood quipped. To their horror the Buick made for the same exit. However, the exit split into two lanes. Gertrude drifted toward the right lane. Robert breathed a sigh of relief and was ready to accelerate past her on the left. They would be at their destination in a matter of minutes. In the Buick Eloise was saying, “No, Gertrude. You’re in the wrong lane. You need to go left here.” Gertrude complied and pulled back into the left lane just as Robert was preparing to go around her. He stopped abruptly, his tires screeching in protest. Then the traffic light in front of them turned yellow. To Robert a green light, a yellow light and two seconds into red were all the same. They all meant “Go”. Not so with Gertrude. A yellow light was the same as a red. It meant stop so stop she did. By now Robert was livid. He was pounding the steering wheel with his fists and using language which would bring a blush to a drunken Sailor.  “As I was saying,” Gertrude continued, “Wilma was seeing James on the sly, and Willard was none the wiser about it. Everybody knew it but him.” They chatted on oblivious to the fact that the light had turned green, so they sat there exchanging gossip as if they were in their living room sitting in their favorite chair with no one around but themselves. 

“It’s green!” Robert shouted, but the Buick remained idle. He pressed the horn so hard that Elwood feared he would jam it down into the steering column.  Instead of looking at the light both women looked behind them to see what the ruckus was about. Robert waved his arms violently in a “go ahead” motion. To the men’s surprise the ladies caught on to the motion, turned around and saw that the light was green. Gertrude put her foot to the accelerator and was about to proceed forward when the light turned to yellow again. She hit the brakes and sighed, “Oh, dear. I waited too long, didn’t I?”

Robert was not amused. His gaze was burning a hole in the back of the Buick. Without turning his head he reached his open hand over toward Elwood and snarled, “Give me the gun.” “The gun? Robert, are you nuts?” “You’ll see how nuts I am after I finish her off ‘cause I’m likely to come back here and blow your brains out too. NOW GIVE ME THE GUN!” “Robert, listen to me!” Elwood shouted. “You shoot her. We’re still blocked in here. The police come and its curtains for both of us.” The light turned green again and Gertrude obediently moved forward. In his anxiety Robert nearly collided with the rear end of the Buick. “Careful!” Elwood snapped. “Robert, you got ah keep yer cool. Do you want me to drive?” “No I don’t want you to drive! I want you to shut up!” He made several attempts to pass but the traffic, though not heavy, was spaced just enough to prevent passing. Next came an intersection with a four-way flashing red light. Gertrude stopped but she was deep into another story.

“Then when George’s wife found out…” The story was cut short by a volume of honking from the seven cars which had lined up behind her. “Oh. Silly me. I was sitting here waiting for the light to change. I guess it’s my turn.” She began to move forward just as the car on the right, whose driver had tired of waiting on her to move, accelerated as well. They both stopped. Then started again; then stopped. This was repeated three times. “I cannot – I cannot believe this is happening!” Robert shouted. Then his voice emitted a sound somewhat akin to  the growl of an angry dog. One block later the impossible happened. Gertrude turned. Robert slammed his foot to the floor. The car responded with an unearthly sound of squealing tires and shot forward, throwing both occupants back into their seats. “Slow it down, Robert. What if a cop…?” His words were too late. Officer McCool was waiting behind a grove of trees at the entrance to a park when the car shot past him just as he was listening to the description on his radio, “Suspects are driving a light blue 2016 Ford Fusion…”

Ten minutes later he was calling in to HQ. “I have both suspects in custody…” Then he added. “Something strange though. They are both crying. Muttering something about their lives being ruined by two little old ladies…whatever that means.”