"She was so mysterious. Almost every night around twelve she disappeared in the forest and get back with the morning mist around 6 o'clock. Her friend was scared when he find out her secret. Her unbelievable and unexplainable secret."
Amy and Jacken were best friends from the middle school. They were together all the time. Basically everyone around them were a 100 %, sure that they are so much more than friends. But they were really just friends.
Well, one day when Amy and Jacken were walking nearby the beach, a stranger started to stalking them. Amy paid no attention but Jacken got mad, and suddenly stopped and turned around.
- What the hell you up to? Are you got a problem? - he asked the stranger angrily then took Amy's hand and pull her closer.
The strange man said nothing just stand front of them and starred Amy. She was aware of that but act like she didn't notice. Jacken lost his patience and pushed the man away than yelled aggressively:
- The next time I'm gonna kick you down you idiot! You were lucky this time... Then they left the man behind, and walked across the road to Jacken's car.
When they got into the car, he looked at Amy and said quietly:
- Did you get that?! What a mud! As you saw, there is a lot of men like him.
This is why I don't like when you go out alone at night! Expecially to the woods! That's dangerous! Don't you understand?
- I know that Jacken... said Amy and smiled at him.
- Amy, seriously. Please don't go there anymore alone! If you want I can meet you... But don't go alone!
- So cute, when you care about me... I appreciate that really - she said and softly kissed Jacken's face, then continued :
- But like I said before, the night is my friend, you don't need to be sacerd!
I can take care of myself.
Jacken doesn't liked it. But he couldn't do anything. He had no right to stop her.
After all they were just friends. But he was so curious, he wanted to know what is that with Amy. What is she doing 6 hours out in the woods and everytime when she back she bring a special scent, she smells like the dawn rain and fresh blood together.
So the following day Jacken decided to go after her. He couldn't wait anymore. All day he was spying up on her, but doesn't show up, he just followed her secretly, And things started to be more strange...
First off all when she went shopping, sounds pretty normal right?
Well she brought a really huge quantity of red meat, it wouldn't be so unusual if Jacken hadn't known Amy as a vegan for years.
The second thing was that she were talking to the same stranger they meet a day before. And it seemed like they know each other well because she left to him all the meat except one packet.
Then the last thing was really really bizarre. When she was on her way home she pulled the meat out and took a bite... I'm not kidding that's the truth. After one bite she left the meat on the street, and checked around carefully that no one is watching then she counted her way home. Jacken was shocked. That moment he realised he knew nothing about her about the real Amy. He was disappointed in her, why she said nothing to him. Why she pretend to be someone else... He couldn't understand that. Why she lied to him if she said he is her best friend? Best friends share their thoughts and things with each other.
Anyway the other half of the day she was inside her small apartment, until the night arrived. About 7pm she came out in her jogging clothes and called Jacken because they usually go run together every day about 7pm.
- Dammn I forget about that Amy I'm so sorry! ... Said Jacken when he picked up the phone. But the truth is he does not forget that.
- It's OK not a big deal! I go alone then...
answered Amy. There was something sad in her voice, Jacken felt awful. But he doesn't wanted to ruin his plan.
There was just a few minutes before midnight, so Jacken started to prepare. - And there she is, he said quietly... when she appeared again.
He knew that's not fair what he was doing but he needed to know the truth cause he wanted to understand why she lied. So Jacken left his car and a headed after Amy.
They got more and more inside the forest, Jacken made all his moves carefully tried to make sure she doesn't notice him.
But the next minute he couldn't believe that what he was seeing.
- No way! That can't be real! This is just a joke! - whispered Jacken nervously and unfortunately because he could not control his move anymore he betrayed himself directly.
- I knew that you gonna follow me today Jacken... said Amy and turned around. She looked something else than usual. Something pretty supernatural. Jacken wanted to run away but he couldn't he felt like his legs were rooted to the ground. He couldn't even speak.
- I'm not goona hurt you! - whispered Amy and got more closer to him. He was still speechless. But could move a little bit away from her, he was so shocked.
- Don't be afraid of me! I would tell you before but it's not that easy. Look at you now, you are sacred, so how could I say anything to you, whitout make you sacred? Tell me? This thing need time to understand. I live with this. And it's coming every night. This is my curse. I didn't choose it. I was forced to take it. But this is an another story. Now I need you to keep it low, keep it secret, otherwise I may disappear forever. So I ask you Jacken : "Can you keep a secret?"
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8 comments
I like the storyline. You have good metaphors but by the end I’m not 100% sure what she is? Vampire, werewolf, or something else. The hyphen before each speaker should be quotations. Keep up the good work! Robert
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Thank you for your comment! Actually she is a " Kitsune" . In Japan and other Asian countries they have a common legend about foxes whose are shapeshifters and have magical powers.
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Ok, that is even better. I’ve never heard of these before. Robert
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Ok, that’s even better. I’ve never heard of these before. Sounds interesting. Robert
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Ok, that’s even better. I’ve never heard of these before. Sounds interesting. Robert
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Decent premise. Grammar, punctuation, spelling and verb tense consistency all need attention. Lacking those basic skills can really distract a reader and keep them from investing in your story. "Her friend was scared when he find out her secret." "Basically everyone around them were a 100 %, sure that they are so much more than friends." "a stranger started to stalking them." "he asked the stranger angrily then took Amy's hand and pull her closer." "The strange man said nothing just stand front of them and starred Amy." ...
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Thanks for the comment and for the advices!
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