Am I good enough today?

Everyday you look at the mirror.

You look but you don’t see.

You don’t see your perfections.

Because you’ve mastered the art 

of only noticing the imperfections.

Because surely the flaws are the only thing others notice,

Right?

Others see you everyday

In the morning.

In the evening.

In every mood.

And in every season.

And they know you in ways you don’t. 

And never will.

Listen to them 

Because

they have seen so much that you haven’t

Like the way you’re face lights up when you see each sunset every evening

Like the way you smile when your dog comes into your room.

Like the way you laugh when your best friend sends you a text

On the first day back to school,

You were happy.

You were confident..

You grinned at the thought of seeing your friends.

You looked at the mirror

And smiled back at what you saw

No makeup

Comfy clothes which were sort of old, but still popular

You thought it was going to be a good day

An amazing one, even.

And that was the last time that girl was seen for a long

Long

Long

Time.

The girl that came back was

Destroyed.

On the verge of tears.

You came back in and the first thing you did was

Lift your top and look at your stomach

You thought you were too fat

Too flat

Imperfect.

At school you saw all those girls with those perfect bodies

Big boobs

Skinny waist

Wide hips

Big butt.

And you saw you didn’t. 

You’re still standing there

When your mum walks in 

And you immediately drop your shirt back down

Because you can’t let her know that you’re hurting

Because that would be weak and if there is one thing that you could never admit to,

It would be being weak.

She offers you a snack 

Shortbread, orange or maybe lemon

Either way it smells so good

But you adamantly shake your head

Saying you got a snack on the way home

Even though you know it’s a lie

Even though you are hungry.

She leaves

And a tear trickles down your cheek

You turn away from the mirror

And don’t look back

you don’t leave your room

Even when dinner is ready

Even when your dad needs help 

Even though you want to 

but you can’t let your parents see your flaws

Because what if they stopped loving you?

You can’t help it

The next day the first thing you do 

Is look at the mirror

And lift your top

And you’re face fills with doubt

And you think 

Am I good enough today?

Do I need make up?

Should I hide my body?

Or show it and pretend I don’t care?

But you do.

Your mum knocks and says breakfast is ready.

Without thinking you hold your stomach 

And it rumbles.

So you say yes, yes you would like breakfast

When you come back up, 

You see the mirror, opposite the door.

And you see your body.

Slightly bloated from the food.

And you hate it.

You 

Hate 

It.

You start to get changed, 

Pulling top after top after top out of the wardrobe,

But none are right.

Either they are too baggy-

And you can’t let anyone see that you are weak-

Or they are too tight-

And you can’t let anyone see your too flat chest and that extra pound round the waist that you don’t want-

Or too long-

You must show what little butt you have otherwise no boy will ever like you-

Or too short-

And you’ll have to wear a grotty school jumper.

You finally pick a top

And it’s loose, but fashionably loose.

Now for the jeans.

They have to be the right brand, colour and style 

Or you’ll get laughed at.

What did you wear yesterday?

Would they be okay today?

Would anyone notice?

Yes. 

They always notice.

Pair after pair, until you find a pair of loose mom jeans which fit with your top.

Do you wear makeup today?

You didn’t yesterday

But that was before you realised all the popular girls did.

Maybe just a light layer, a bit of foundation and mascara.

It’ll make you look good without making you look like you’re trying too hard.

But, damn, you can’t even do that.

It’s too thick and blotchy.

Just wash it off

Wash

it 

off. 

So you do and you still hate it.

But it’s half eight and you haven’t done your hair

But you’ll miss the bus,

So you scrape a brush through it

Hoping it will be enough

But knowing it never will be.

You’re at school 

And you can’t stop noticing the

Things you never noticed before.

Why should you care that boys don’t stare at you like they do to other girls?

Are you not pretty enough?

Hot or cute enough?

And you can’t concentrate. 

Your mind wanders and you find yourself continually staring out the window.

Your teacher coughs and gives you a warning.

The first one you’ve had in a long time

And everyone knows it and they look back and smirk

Is your hair still okay? 

Are they laughing at how you look?

You turn beet red and put your head down

Which gets another warning and a detention.

Now pitiful looks are shot your way 

And you hate it even more. 

You get home late

And your mum wants to know why

Because she loves you because she doesn’t see your flaws

So you tell her that you had a detention

And the look of disappointment on her face 

Is just too much to bear

You run up to your room

Without a snack

Because you can’t possibly become fatter than you already are

And just lie on your bed for hours and hours

Ignoring the messages from your best friend

Who knows something is wrong

But could never understand

Because she is so much prettier, thinner and all round a better person than you.

But what you don’t know is that you only see her

When her face is lit up

With laughter that you caused

And that she thinks the same thing about you.

Once again you don’t eat

But this time your mum notices

And brings food up 

And makes you eat, even though you protest

And say you aren’t hungry and just why can’t she leave you alone?

And when she does, 

You leave your room to go to the toilet

Just to cram your fingers down your throat

And bring up what little food you had in your stomach.

You think

Do the popular girls do this?

Spend the evening worrying?

Throwing up?

Or are they just naturally perfect?

The next day 

When you wake up 

And look in the mirror

You see that you are thinner

And the faint frame of your ribs are showing.

Are you thin enough now?

And day after day after day

You don’t eat

And the ribs become more prominent

And it’s not just your ribs anymore

It’s everything

Your legs

Arms

Face.

All just echoes of what you were before

And everyone knows.

They tell you that you’re too thin

Put on some weight.

And your mind just goes in circles

You’re too thin and everyone knows it

But then you’ll get too fat

And that’s one thing you should never be

It’s chaos with multiple voices shouting at you

You can’t turn them off

And if you do what one says,

The other just shouts 

Louder 

And 

Louder

And 

Louder.

No one likes to see your ribs

No one likes to see a fat girl

Eat more

Eat less.

It just goes 

Around and around

And around

In an endless circle, which makes no sense

Except you know that it does not have an end

Unless you create one

Which you don’t know how to do

Because you don’t know what to do

A doctor stares at you

You flinch away from her piercing eyes

But you can’t run

No matter how much you want to

Because you can’t disappoint your mum

Who stands behind you 

Even after she noticed your flaws.

She forced you to come here

Because she saw you needed help

And didn’t want to be helped.

Now you’re actually here

With someone who understands what it is like

You still want to run

“Do you want your mum to stay or leave?”

“Leave”

You say without thinking.

She does.

Why did you want her to leave?

“Because I can’t let her know what 

I am like.

Because I am

Angry

And 

Scared.

She can’t know that or she won’t love me.”

“So you believe that your mum won’t love you 

If you are angry”

“Yes”

“Then why are you starving yourself?”

You falter because

You really don’t know.

It started out simple

With the intent of being thin

But it escalated 

To something much

Much 

Bigger

That you can’t control

And you can’t stop.

But the doctor knows this

And is just waiting for you to admit it.

So you do.

It comes pouring out in a torrent of words

Filled with emotions

Negative

Anger, regret, confusion

Positive

Relief, hope, gratitude.

You set goals,

Reasonable ones, that you should be able to keep

But accept that you will have setbacks

When your mum comes back in,

There is a different girl sitting there

One still too thin, but her eyes are starting to become alive again.

You hold out your hand 

Say goodbye to the doctor

And leave.

You eat slightly more that week.

Having three meals a day

Even though they are small

But it is progress, you think.

Each week you see your doctor,

Each week, you eat slightly more,

Each week you become happier,

Your ribs less prominent.

After two months 

Two months of eating 

And looking in the mirror

To see if, for the first time in too long,

You are gaining weight,

You look in the mirror,

And ask yourself the question that started all of this

Am I good enough today?

And for the first time in too long 

You say

Yes

Yes I am good enough.