GOING BACK

The sky was extra orange as the sun crest and rise on the horizon. I confess this was the best sunrise I had ever witnessed. It was like by some kind of miracle the sun was encouraging me to start the journey I had to embark on. Everything came to life to announce the beginning of new day, bird chirps and fly away to start their daily routine.

I stood there looking at the sky until it turns beautiful blue, then I climbed down from the hill and walked towards my cabin. In the cabin I took my duffle bag and head out, after I had locked the cabin I walked away without looking back. I was going home.

The thought of going home had always made my feet weak and my heartbeat goes up. Though everyone had told me it wasn’t my fault that Anne died but deep down I knew I was the one to blame.

“Can I play out mama”. Anne had said to me full of Christmas spirit. Christmas was her favorite holiday and she always plan what she’ll do the whole year.

“No honey, come help me decorate this tree instead”. I had said to her, because I was aware of the bad weather outside. It was somehow strange that my little girl was the only child in the world who did not enjoy Christmas tree decorating.

“But….But that’s you and dads job mama”. She had said frowning. She had always played outside while me and Mark decorated the tree.

“But dad isn’t here now, can’t you help mama”. I had said to her hoping to make her busy until the weather could subside outside.

“Call him then”. Said Anne looking outside through the glass. You could tell she was longing to go outside, that broke my heart.

I looked outside and saw there was a minor blizzard and I was sure there was nothing to fear. So as a good mom who couldn’t say no to her child,I made sure she wore a fur jacket and send her outside.

I could see her cheerfully playing in a snow and I couldn’t prevent myself from smiling. I went inside to what seem like a second to call Mark, then I heard a loud crash. The phone fell out of my hand,I was mortified.

“What’s that noise Rose”. I could hear Mark speak over the phone but I stood there numb staring at the sight in front of me.

Anne mangled lifeless body lied on the floor, shattered grass everywhere, a track halfway in my living room and it downs me what had happened,I screamed.

I opened my eyes and realized I had reached near the road and that was only a flashback, but that couldn’t stop a sharp pain I felt in my chest. Anne Death still hurt so much after six months since we buried her. I found myself caressing my big tummy, this always calms me down. Then a I saw a track and decided to stop it,I climbed and left that damned place.

No one back home knew where I had gone for these six months, let alone knowing my pregnancy. I found out I was expecting after I had already left my home.

“That’s not a place to be wondering alone, especially in your condition”. A truck driver said to me indicating my tummy. After my long silence. “Are you running from or toward something?”.

“I am not running to anywhere,I’m going back home”. I felt confident for the first time since Anne death.

“I know what you mean”. Said the driver after a long smile.

I had made my decision not to return home forever and wandered into the unknown, until I found out I was pregnant. I can say for sure that my pregnancy brought back color in my miserable life.

My first pregnancy was not the easier one,I was in and out of the ER frequently because of high blood pressure that doctors thought the baby wouldn’t make it. But against all odds Anne survived and was thriving so it pains so much to lose her to a drunk driver and black ice road.

I remember touching Anne bloody face as paramedics preparing to transfer her and felt she was too cold to be alive. In that moment my brains worked scenarios I could have prevented that from happening. 

“Oh my God Anne”. I could hear Mark screaming behind me and I couldn’t get myself to face him.

He had every reason to hate and blame me for her death because Mark never let her out if there was even tiny blizzard and he had always went outside to make sure everything was ok. And he would never take his eyes off her while she plays, he would go out numerous times to prevent her playing close to the road.

If I spoke to him during the funeral, it was once or twice and after the burial I had said to  him, “I don’t feel so good, stop here,I’ll get some fresh air”. As I got outside the car I walk down a hill and keep on going,I found myself in a bus leaving the city,I hiked into the mountain and plains until I found the log cabin I had stayed in for six months.

I always felt Anne around me in that cabin the whole time I lived there, until last week. I was in the back chopping woods when I heard Anne giggling behind me,I felt dizzy and fell to the ground.

“Why are you hurting yourself mama”. Said Anne caressing my face.

“I’m fine baby, don’t worry”. I said touching her tiny hand.

“No mama,I feel like if I stay here any longer I will lose my brother mama. You are always sad and it hurt me so much. My dad and grandma are hurt too because the buried me and lost you the same day mama”. Said Anne, tears trickling her cheeks.

“Mark”. Only now I have realized I missed Mark so much, I wasn’t sure how he was coping with his life.

“Yes mama. He’s sad and he misses you”. Said Anne

“How do you know”. I had said quietly.

“I have been with him too”. She said as quiet as I had spoke earlier.

“He must blame me for your death, and he’s right it was my fault”. I said quietly 

“Mama, no one is blaming you. It was only an accident”. She said loudly as if, “this is what I have been telling you all along”.

That shook me a little,I wasn’t expecting that. I think she realized my surprise as she tries to calm me down by caressing my tummy, indeed it soothed me.

“Take care of my brother mama and don’t let him in a snow ever”. Said Anne, her voice fading away.

I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the ground where I had fallen before. I realized it was all a dream, it was almost dark. I struggle to get up but then the baby kick so hard that I had to sit back. Then I was sure I had to give this baby the life he deserved. I had to go home.

I jolt awake to find myself resting in a truck cabin, a warm jacket over me. I was surprised how I got there. I went back to the front seat.

“You slept like a baby, in two hours will be in the city”. Said the driver

“How long was I asleep”. I asked looking as the sun rises on the horizon.

“The whole night”. He said as he stopped the truck. “You can shower in the back, there’s a water hose”.

I went in the back and took off my clothes except for my underpants,I showered and change my clothes,It was strange that I wasn’t scared that something could happen to me given that we were alone in a middle of nowhere.

As I return to the cabin the driver gave me a sandwich in a plastic bag as he ate his. I did too, it was delicious.

“My wife makes me these each time I travel, so that I don’t eat unhealthy food on the way”. Said the driver looking at the picture of a blonde woman carrying a girl above the rear view mirror.

“They’re lovely “. I said to him

“Her name is Jill, the girl. She’s five”. He said proudly 

I almost chocked on the sandwich when I heard her age. The driver is confused.

“What’s wrong “. Asked the driver

“It’s nothing. I remembered something”. I replied 

“Oh my God, your child that died, was she five?”. Asked sympathetically 

“How did you know about her”. I asked him, confused to how he knew about her.

“You told me about her yesterday ,don’t you remember”. He said confused too

“Oh I do”. I replied. I didn’t remember a thing.

“Your husband will be happy to see you. I’m sure I would be”. Said the driver.

He might be right but I was not sure,Mark had prevented me from letting Anne outside when I was busy.

“Anne is brilliant but young child, she doesn’t know what’s right wrong”. Mark had said to me before when he found her playing under his car outside while I was talking to a neighbor across the street. “You have to keep an eye on her all the time”.

I always knew how Mark adored his little princess, he gave her everything she desired no matter what. How could I have stayed there to watch him suffer and I knew I couldn’t take his hatred for me. I chose the simple way out leaving him stranded in a middle of nowhere, only now I know it was harsh maybe I could’ve stayed and comforted him and bear his hatred.

Anyone who witnessed his joy when he saw Anne for the first time, they could only imagine how hurt he would feel losing her. Only I can tell how much pain he’s enduring all this time.

He car horn wakes me from these mere flashbacks, I realized we had entered the city already.

“I was right your husband is longing for you”. Said the driver indicating the big billboard above the road.

My eyes watered as I saw the message in a big black fonts saying, “come back to me my love, your husband is waiting for you”. Below it a picture of me smiling, I had forgotten how to smile like that. I couldn’t stop myself from crying  loudly,I could sense the drivers hand my back comforting me.

“It’s okay”. Said the driver.

Later we the truck breaks in front of the house I used to live in. The place where all happened, the happiness and sadness and everything.

I dismounted from the truck into the ground I was familiar with for years.This was it. I was home.

“I’m glad you are home,I’ll tell your story to my lovely wife. I hope someday we’ll come and visit you. Until that day, bye for now”. Said the driver smiling, starting his truck.

“I didn’t get your name”. By the time I was finishing my sentence he was disappearing at the corner.

I looked across the street at the vibrant house I used to know that had turned into a haunted scenery, unkept lawn, dirty car parked in front of the house, missing person posters everywhere, tree branches everywhere. The sight was sour to the eyes.

Reluctantly I took a step towards the house,I was unsure what I’ll found and how will I be welcomed but I had to go inside this house.

I knocked on the door few times without an answer. I was about to knock for the last time when the door opens and a man covered with facial hair and curl hair tied to the back stands before me.

“Rose”. He said, confused, “I’m dreaming again, aren’t I. You are not here”. Said Mark as he turned to leave.

“Mark”. I said gripping his hand.

“Rose, it’s really you”. Said mark touching my face in disbelief, it was like he had been hallucinating about this moment for a long time.

We hugged like our life depended on it, we cried, laughed, cried. The feeling cannot be expressed in words, one had to feel it.

“I looked everywhere for you, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when it happened. It was my fault”. Said Mark hugging me tightly.

“But it was my fault she died. I thought you blamed me”. I said confused the the fact that all along Mark was blaming himself.

“Blame you?”.Mark was surprised too.

“What’s going on Mark, who are you talking to”. I heard a sound of the woman I’m familiar with talking inside.

“Mom”.I screamed. In all my misery I had forgotten about my mother.

I don’t know if I ran or walked but I was in her arms in a heartbeat , hugging her.

“You came back”. Mom cried out. Then she pushed me abruptly. “ And you are pregnant”.She screamed with joy. It was typical of her to notice everything in that moment. Mark joined us and we had a group hug.

Coming back brought each and every memory back to me. I looked at the spot where Anne body lied and tears trickled all over my face. But I was comforted by the feeling that I was not alone, not anymore.

Later I stood on deck watching the sky as I had always done, watching the sunset. I could see Anne face on the sun but this time it was smiling, I smiled back.

The end.