The Pig Monster

The glass and steel corporate offices of a major banking institution stood in the center of a jungle on an alien planet. Don't ask me how it got there, I barely knew how the generator worked.

I stood naked in a call center room, one with ceiling to floor glass windows overlooking trees with glowing, candy-like leaves, as my green skinned girlfriend fitted me with a revealing leather harness.

"This once belonged to a Thark who worked in the Fraud Department," said my girlfriend. "He was a little larger than you, but the straps are adjustable."

A storm raged outside, a monsoon of rain blowing against the glass (or rather the forcefield, judging by the shimmering), jungle plants flying back in forth in the wind.

"I know this place is abandoned...for some reason, but I still can't help but feel self conscious."

She cinched the back of the harness around my legs with two hands, secured the upper portion with her other two. "That didn't seem to bother you when we were screwing on that conference table."

I blushed. "That's...different. We were...busy. You distracted me."

She brushed me with her tusks. "Perhaps I can...distract you some more after dinner."

"We're supposed to be guarding the building from those blue pig monsters, Ibira. Make sure the building stays secure. That was the whole point of recapturing this building in the first place. What if the team comes back and catches us?"

"Fine, fine," she groaned. "We'll do a little patrol. We need to locate food anyway."

"So, uh, what happened to the guy who used to own this harness?"

Ibira tightened a strap around my hip. "He quit. He found the company...unmasculine."

"He just left his stuff and marched out?"

"He was very angry. Plus this harness fit a little small."

"Were you two...close?"

She shrugged. "A little. But he didn't like headstrong, independent females."

"His loss."

Chuckling, Ibira cinched up my loin strap. A rather small fit, but since the material seemed be made of a non-terrestrial form of leather, it stretched out to cover everything that needed to be covered with a few tugs on a pair of connecting bands. She even had a way to strap up the parts where two additional arms would have gone. "There. you're decent. Let's go on a hunting expedition."

The harness, being next to nothing in terms of flesh coverage, brought heat to my face and body. I hesitantly followed her through the rows of carpeted particle board cubicles, eyes searching the desks and windows, to see if I'd been observed.

"Why are you so nervous? I have seen you wear much less, and I will find this...very cute."

"Gee, I don't know..."

"How much do you ordinarily wear while playing Indian?"

"Ibira, that's only when I'm sleepwalking. I wouldn't be caught dead doing that while I'm awake."

Ibira rubbed her harness up against mine. "Then...pretend you are sleeping."

Hot and embarrassed, I muttered, "Fine. But you'll have to excuse me if I don't wear it all over the place."

She made a clearing throat sound. "Pah. You must have courage!"

"I don't think I'll ever be that courageous."

"This is something we must work on." She slapped my rump. "Ha! Now people can stare at your ass for a change!"

In my embarrassment, I probably resembled a lobster as I followed her down the staircase.

For a brief moment, I stopped feeling self conscious, and maybe even felt a little sexy, but then I reached the lobby.

My boldness ebbed away, replaced by worries of being seen. After all, I hadn't heard any of my team members leave.

Ibira led me down the cold tile floor, through an adjoining hallway, suddenly noticing how cold it was to be running around half naked in a concrete building in the middle of a rain storm. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought they had the air conditioning on.

The office building had a service called Heuristic Kitchen. Basically like a Quiktrip, except it had a computerized payment kiosk instead of a cash register, and nobody tended the store.

I asked Ibira for an explanation, and she said that the place basically operated on the honor system. A camera watched you, so if you took something without paying, you were out of a job.

A chain of imitation convenience stores, set up in break rooms all across the United States. This particular one had a sizable inventory, but the items had long passed their expiration date.

After wandering around for hours in a darkened, dead silent building, surreal to hear refrigeration fans blowing away as if everything were business as usual.

I stared at a rack of moldy cinnamon muffins, then moved on to the cold case.

All the salads had wilted, the sandwiches hairy blue, the yogurt all abloom with sporozoa, the likes of which I had never seen before. The only thing remotely edible appeared to be the chips, the crackers, and the candy bars.

"As you can see, it has been some time since this office has been occupied. Since the power was off, the sandwiches and other items are all rotten except for the dry goods. We may have some freeze dried foods, but I suggest you go with me on a hunt."

I gulped. "Hunt?"

"Yes."

"In the rain?"

"In the rain."

We marched out into a large corporate cafeteria space, as fancy as a restaurant, with a little passageway off to the side filled with rows of microwaves of various types, sturdy padded industrial chairs, and a sort of bar type arrangement running across the back window, allowing you to gaze out at the yard while you ate.

The storm pounded the glass a little too heavily at this point, even for Ibira. We decided to wait it out for awhile.

As we gazed through the glass together, enjoying the calm jungle scenery. Ibira leaned her head against my chest, putting an arm around my waist.

I returned the gesture with an arm around her shoulder, and I felt a second hand gently curling around my left thigh. "Are you absolutely certain that nothing would change your mind about marrying me?...If we produced children?"

"It wouldn't be right for me not to commit my life to you if you had a baby to take care of. It would be our baby. Whatever species it would end up being, a child needs his father."

"Or hers."

"Yeah..."

"I have made a good choice in partners." She rubbed her tusk against my face. "Are you still hungry?"

"Yeah?"

"Then let us hunt."

"It's raining."

"Saves you a shower."

I frowned at my harness. "You want me to hunt in this?"

"Males in my culture have worn such things for centuries."

"Sounds like your people suffered from a lot of insect bites."

"Admittedly, yes, but your attire pleases me. I can find some salves."

I rubbed my face. "Fine."

I followed her to the set of security doors leading into the outdoor smoker's lounge.

I still worried that someone might drive by and see me. "Must I go outside in this getup?"

"Yes," she purred. "When we joined our bodies together, you joined yourself to my tribe. You will now dress according to custom and hunt with me so that we may further bond."

"I just know I'm going to end up with bug bites all over my legs and private regions."

Without a word, or even asking permission, she opened a bottle from her harness pouch, applying a foul smelling slime to the areas in question. "There. I just applied some repellent. Better?"

"I guess you could call it that." I frowned as I watched her coating her own lower regions. "You could have at least asked me first."

"I thought our relationship had progressed to the point of nonverbal communication." She gestured to the orange hand prints on her rear. "Since we have already laid claim to each other's bodies, I though it only natural to do what I saw fit with yours. Within reason, of course."

I reddened. "I...guess you got me there."

She slapped me on my naked rear and left her hand there. "That's what I thought."

Figuring turnabout was fair play, I poked her between the shoulder blades, and frills popped out of her neck. She gasped, leaning on a table, her legs trembling. "Jason...that's not a tickle spot."

My eyes widened. "Oh!"

"You're going to be very sorry that you did that."

I blushed, wondering how sorry.

With the power on, the door would not open without a swipe from an employee badge.

To my surprise, Ibira had one hidden inside a slim pocket within her crotch strap, a gray card with a computer chip. The door light turned green, allowing us to pass.

I followed her outside into the field, under a shower of rain. It did kinda clean me up a little.

A few yards out, the rain faded into a light drizzle.

Ibira drew a dagger, ducking behind a clump of weeds. "It's a Razorback! Get down and follow my lead!"

I obeyed, but my knees squished in something cold and wet. I frowned when I saw what it was. "I think I just knelt in alien poop."

"Good. It'll mask your scent. Stay down!"

I squinted at the hunched, lumbering blue figure wading through the weeds. "Why is that Razorback wearing a tie?"

"You got me. If he saw me, he'd probably be wondering why I'm wearing this thing."

After huddling there in silence for a moment, Ibira stood back up. "He knows we're here! Quick! Get ready to run!"

The creature didn't advance. Instead, it raised a claw and pointed at me, letting out a braying laugh.

Ibira clenched her fist around her knife, held out a hand to wave me back, but neither of us moved.

The blue thing shuffled closer, pointing to its chest while making...grunts and other unintelligible sounds.

"That tie does look familiar..."

"He probably killed someone and took their clothes as a trophy."

I waved at the beast.

It replied by tipping an imaginary hat.

"He seems nice," I said.

"Perhaps that is how it kills. By disarming its prey with strange behavior."

She raised her spear and screamed at it. "Shoo! Go away! Kekmor! Vupdewa! Go!" She waved it away.

When the creature didn't go, she hurled a rock in its direction, causing it to shuffle off with a piteous whimper.

"That was mean," I said.

"It was for your own protection. You saw the necktie. There's probably a dead body out there that it belongs to."

"I know. We saw a dead body on the recording. But how did he tie the tie?"

"They can learn. His victim may have actually tied it on him before he killed him."

"Yeah...but..."

"Jason, you have a good heart, but creatures just like this one attempted to kill you earlier."

"I...I guess you're right."

A few days ago, one of our team leaders mysteriously vanished, presumed dead. And here we see this alien pig monster wearing one of his favorite ties.

"You...think it killed Brian?"

"I...don't know."

I kept staring in the direction it departed to. "Ibira, this is going to sound weird...but what if that was Brian?"