Dear Amy

Dear Amy,

Patrick and I have moved into the new house. He really seems to like it and I liked it too at first but moving in and everything, staying the first night, it just feels different. It doesn’t feel like it did the first day we saw it. Maybe it’s just moving in together and the realization that he and I are actually doing this that’s scaring me and making me feel kind of off. You know I’ve never been really good with commitment, but things feel different with Patrick. I feel like I’m finally in a real relationship with him. I guess it’s all still pretty new to me. Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update. I’ll send some pictures later when we get the rest of the things we ordered for the kitchen. Talk to you soon! Make sure you give Nana Cathrine a hug and a kiss from me and tell her I’ll come by for dinner soon!

Dear Amy,

How’s Nick and the new baby? He’s got your eyes for sure but I think he’ll be more like Nick. I hope you’re doing alright, Patrick and I are doing fine. He’s loving this new house but I still can’t seem to get comfortable in it. It doesn’t feel like it’s my home, it feels like it’s someone else’s and I’m just living here. I’ve mentioned this to Patrick and he suggested we go shopping soon and pick out more things I like that would help make it feel like home for me. He’s so much nicer than Tommy was. He really wants me to like this house, he tells me he can really see us starting a family here and suggested that maybe us getting a dog or a cat together would help me feel more at home. I can’t wait to marry him next spring, I really feel like I can spend the rest of my life with him. What if he and I threw a barbecue, maybe celebrating the new house with friends and family would help me feel like this really is my home. Do you think that would be a good idea? I know Nana Cathrine doesn’t get out much but I bet she’d like it here. Everyone is so welcoming and nice and the air here is much cleaner than the city. Write back when you get the chance, if I throw a barbecue I’m gonna need Nick’s help with grilling. I can’t grill to save my life and you know she’s always been a better cook than me! I miss you and I’ll try to come visit soon when work gives me more time off. In the meantime stay safe, Ames, I love you and I’ll talk to you again when I get the chance.

Dear Amy,

Things have been weirder since the barbecue. I don’t know exactly what it is but I just don’t feel right in this house. It’s not Patrick, it’s definitely the house. So, this is going to sound really crazy, I know, but I feel like the house just doesn’t want me here. I know, I know, it’s insane, I can’t believe I just wrote that but it’s how it feels. Patrick is able to eat and sleep and feel at home in this house but I just can’t shake the feeling that something’s off about it. I feel better when Patrick’s here but when he’s gone and it’s just me and Coop it feels weird. Sometimes I’ll be sitting on the couch with him and he’ll just bark out of nowhere at nothing. I always think it’ll be the mailman or someone about to knock on the door but he just hops off the couch and barks at the cushions beside me. I thought he wanted treats at first but when I got up to get them he just continued to stand at the couch barking beside where I was just sitting. It just really freaks me out. When Patrick’s here he doesn’t do it. He sits quietly and has no problems but when it’s just us he goes crazy. I don’t know, maybe the dog isn’t used to just me alone and he’s just wondering where Patrick is. He’s an older dog too so maybe he’s just losing his hearing or eyesight or something, I keep forgetting to ask the vet about it when I’m there. I’m sure it’s just Coop, I’ll make a few notes so I don’t forget to ask them for a checkup next time. Anyway, call me when you get off work, I could really use a friend to talk to about this stuff that isn’t Patrick. He’d tell me I’m just being silly or he’d worry so much that he’d install cameras in the hopes that it would make me feel safer. I love the man but he can be a little overprotective at times. I don’t know, this is getting a little long and I’ve got to feed Coop. I’ll talk to you later, give little Max a kiss for me, and tell Nick she has to tell me how she made those burgers. Patrick’s been begging me to get the recipe ever since the barbecue!

Dear Amy,

I hate this fucking house. I feel like I’m being watched all the time. I don’t know who is watching me but it never feels like they’re watching me from a window. It always feels like someone is right next to me or behind me. I can feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up the second Patrick leaves the house. I feel like I’m going insane whenever Patrick isn’t here and I don’t think I’m the only one who feels it. Coop’s stopped barking near me and has started sitting in front of me barking at me. It’s uncomfortable and makes me feel weird. I think I might go to my mother’s house and stay with her for the weekend. I'm sure she needs help around the house anyway and I think it might help me actually fall asleep. I can’t seem to sleep in our bedroom anymore, it feels like eyes are on me, watching me sleep. I’ve tried everything to get some rest but nothing seems to help. I’m beginning to think this house is haunted or something. I don’t know, maybe I’m being paranoid. Anyway, I’ll stop talking about the house for now, if I don’t I know this’ll feel like reading an essay. I’ll come by when I visit, we’ll have lunch and you can bring the baby. He’s getting so big already and it’s only been a couple months. I think Patrick wants a baby soon, he always looks at the baby clothes whenever we go shopping together. He doesn’t say anything but I can tell he wants to talk with me about it. We can talk more about that later though. Hopefully I’ll see you soon, tell Max and Nick I said hi and that I love them!

Dear Amy,

Something is living with us. I hate to say it but I really feel like we’re living in a haunted house. Things keep disappearing and reappearing all over the place. I’ll set my glasses down for a moment by the bed but when I go to pick them up they’re downstairs. I’ll bring a towel to the bathroom but when I get out of the shower it’s not there. I’ll brush my hair and turn away for two seconds and the brush will be gone. But the worst part is that, when I’m laying in bed at night and see Patrick sleeping in front of me, I can feel someone’s arms holding me from behind. I haven’t mentioned this part to Patrick because I know how insane it sounds. I thought I was just imagining it all at first too, maybe I was losing my mind and just misplacing things on my own or maybe Patrick’s just trying to scare me or something. But when this thing holds me, I can feel it breathing on my neck. I stayed up one night staring at the clock and it held me for eight hours until Patrick woke up. I stayed with Patrick’s cousin at their house for the night since I was already going to help them assemble some furniture anyway, and when I slept on their couch it was the best night’s sleep I’ve gotten in months. When I got home though the weird feeling I got walking in the door was instant. It was different this time. I don’t just get a bad feeling in my stomach, I get a whole body feeling. Whatever it is, it feels stronger this time. I don’t know what it wants from me but I’m going to try to talk to Patrick about it. I’m not sure how to do that though without him thinking I’m crazy or that this is all in my head. Maybe I’ll try calling an exorcist or something, they do that in movies all the time, right? It’ll at least make me feel a little bit better I guess. Hopefully I’ll call an exorcist and they’ll bless the house and everything will feel better. Anyway, I know this is getting long so I’ll talk to you later. I hope you’re doing okay, stay safe, I love you. Give Max and Nick a hug for me and tell them I love them too!

Dear Amy,

I saw it. I was brushing my teeth in the mirror and suddenly my reflection just stopped brushing their teeth. I thought I was seeing things but it cocked its head at me and put its toothbrush down. It put it’s hand on the glass and stood there waiting for me to touch back. I told Patrick to get in the bathroom but when he did I pointed to the mirror and everything was fine. The mirror was just there and my reflection was once again just my reflection. I explained what happened and he suggested I talk to someone about it, a professional, but I told him they’d just think I was crazy. The exorcist was here earlier when Patrick was gone. He said a prayer, walked around the house, and told me that what I’d described to him sounded like a demon. He assured me that nothing like that was living in the house and that the house felt more comfortable than any of the other houses he’d ever been in. It made me feel stupid for even calling him. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe this really is all in my head and I should talk to someone. We’ll see how things go and I’ll try to get in touch with a therapist and make an appointment. Even if I’m not crazy it’ll probably make me feel better talking about it. I’ll tell you how all of that goes, I hope you’re doing well, tell Max and Nick I said hi and that I love them.

Dear Amy,

I’ve been talking to the therapist a lot lately and they suggested I try getting more rest. The medication the other doctor prescribed is supposed to help me sleep and it does. The house doesn’t feel bad anymore. Coop still barks when Patrick leaves, but things don’t go missing and I don’t feel someone behind me when I lay next to him. It’s nice. I know this one is a little short but Patrick and I have decided to go back home for a visit so we’ll be able to talk more then. I really miss home and you guys. I swear, when I see you I’ll give you all the biggest hugs. Oh, and I found the cutest little sweater for Max. I can’t wait for you to see it, it’s so adorable. I hope to see you soon. Stay safe, I love you.

Dear Amy,

My wedding day is coming up sooner than I thought. I'm so nervous about it, a part of me feels like running away while the other part feels like running into Patrick's arms. I know it's just my previous relationships that are making me feel this way though. I'm scared but I feel less scared about it when Patrick tells me even if I run away he'll still be standing there waiting for me when I'm ready to come back. I don't think I'll ever run away from him completely though. The thought of running away scares me more than admitting that I love and care about him more than myself. I don't think I'd be able to run very far anyway with you there. I know if I ran you'd be the first person to turn me back around so I run back into Patrick's arms where I belong. You're always there for me, even now when I'm rambling on about things that make me nervous or scared or just my thoughts in general. Speaking of thoughts, that reminds me. Something's happening to me. I'm having these really weird dreams. I guess it's actually more of just one dream but over and over again. I keep standing in front of the mirror and I see my reflection but they don't move like I do. They put their hand to the glass but when I touch it something happens and I'm forced to move my body like they do. Every motion I'm forced to copy makes me feel like a marionette. I see Patrick coming up behind them and hugging them but I can't hear what they're saying and he can't hear me crying for help. My reflection just smiles and I'm forced to smile back. It's a nightmare but when I wake up and feel arms around me it's just Patrick and I'm calm again. My brain finally registers that it's just a dream and I feel better. But it has me looking at my reflection for long periods of time to see if it moves. It never does, obviously, but I keep wanting to check. I keep wanting to touch the glass. I guess I don't really want to touch it, it's more like I need to touch it, like it wants me to touch the glass. But even though I want to reach out and put my hand on the glass the thought of touching it is absolutely frightening. Sorry, I know going from talking about a happy day to this is a big switch. I just needed to tell someone else. Thanks for listening to me by the way. I know I don't say it enough but I'm very grateful for you. You're like a sister to me, Ames, and I'm very lucky to have you. I hope you’re all doing okay, I’ll call you this weekend when I’m not working, maybe we can all get together for dinner one night before everyone starts flying in from all over for the wedding. Stay safe, I love you and tell Max and Nick I love them too!

Dear Amy,

I touched the mirror. Nothing happened and I feel really silly about the whole thing. I no longer have those dreams so you don't have to worry about those anymore. I'm fine. I've decided to stop taking the medication they gave me, I don't think I'll be needing it anymore. I sleep much better now. Everything is much better now. Patrick's been holding me at night when we fall asleep and there really is nothing I love more than that feeling. When I would be in bed with Patrick it would always feel like something was in the way but now nothing is in our way anymore. He's holding me every night and everything finally feels like it's exactly how it should be. I think the only problem now is Coop. All he does now is jump on the sink in the bathroom and whine at the mirror. He doesn't let me pet him and he just keeps barking at me nonstop, but he's an old dog. He's a very old dog and he's been sleeping more and more lately and barely eating a thing. I'm worried we'll have to put him down. Patrick doesn't want to, but I told him it's better this way, the last thing I want is for him to suffer. It'll take a while for Patrick to move on, but once we get married and start our family I think he'll feel a lot better. I wasn't quite ready to give Patrick the life he wanted for us but I'm ready now. I've gotten rid of that scared part of me and now I'm free to be exactly what Patrick needs. I really love him Amy, and now that I have him I'm never letting him go. See you at the wedding.