Granny's Will

To my Tammy, I bequeath my toilet bowl seats because you liked to sit your fat ass in my bathroom for hours sticking it up every day. Then you would go clean your tail with my good towels. Girl, you lucky I was too sick to grab you when I noticed you used my $30 rags to wash your ass. You need to go to that boy house you always complaining about and shit up his toilet and towels.

To my granddaughter Pam, I bequeath to you my pots and pans, maybe one day you will learn how to finally cook and finally keep a man. Girl, only you can burn boiling water but what you have now are cast iron skillets, you can’t possible burn what’s already burn. Hopefully! Go to school to be a chef and upon completion and receipt of your chef credentials, my estate will reimburse you for tuition cost and all monies spent on classes.

To my grandson Tommy, I bequeath my tool sets. You always did try to call yourself building shit. Oh and by the way Tommy, that bench you made was booty. The wood pieces stuck me in my ass and snagged my cloths. Oh and the paint job looked like little Sally Jensen painted that crap. You should go use it for fire wood and take Bob the Builder classes because your skills are amateur. So when you receive your architect license, my Estate will also, reimburse you for all tuition monies invested and spent.

To my James, I give you my automobile set. No, not the cars in my garage but my little toy cars I let all those bad ass grand kids play with and break up. When I think of it, you can't even drive so why would I give your dum ass a real car. Sorry son, keep bussin’ it or bumming rides or actually get your driver license and when you do come see Mr. Dickson.

To my sister, Salty Sally, I bequeath my hair combs and brushes and my good hair greases for you to use on your ashy ass head. You bald headed heffa. I know you broke my Easy Bake Oven when we were young. That's why I pissed on all your teddy bears and said it was the dog. But I still love you so, I will also give you my wig collection and my Estate will pay for your hair appointments for the next 6years if you actually wear them.

To Johnny, I bequeath my living room coffee table. You come in my house dam every day and plopped your stinking ass feet right on it, with those dirty, holy, funky ass socks. You better be lucky I was too sick to shoot your mother fuckin toes off. So, I give you my dining room table too because I see you scratching your toe jam on my chair legs, so now they are all yours.

To Sammy, I give you my good rags and towels and bathroom rugs. You know, the ones I got from Macy's. One rug was dam near one hundred dollars but you can have them all, I don’t need them where I am now. Maybe you should use one of those $30 “for show only” rags to wash your sticking ass too. It don't make sense why a grown ass man, who don't work or get physical smell so dam bad.

To Venus, you sat around with me for many a day and I thank you for your time. I bequeath my rocking chairs, slippers, and robes. Yes, those run through slipper you always complained about me wearing. And you bet not throw them out neither. Maybe you can use the robes and house coats to cover up your naked ass body. Because you are a size Zero don't mean folk wanna see all your bones bouncing round like a frigging puppet and rocking back and forth like that Annabelle doll.  But Granny Love you.

To Pastor Black of the Church of God and Christ, I bequeath unto the church $200,000. I was a little behind in my tithes and offerings but I give you this to make up the difference. I only ask that the Church opens an evening night care center for the young single parents of this community, male and female. Build it where dinner and meals are given freely to the recipients and neighborhood families. I only ask that the Center be named it after me, The Sister Odella Johnson Community Night Care Center.  As long as the Community Center is open and growing my estate will continue to help finance the center yearly.

Last but not least, I bequeath to you Mr. Jones all that is in this case. (Mr. Dickson places a large case on the table). I will not allow Mr. Dickson to share the content with all here today, but I do want you to enjoy all that is inside.  Take this case home with you tonight and call me in the morning, lol. You brought a different kind of pleasure to my life when you came by with those sweet potato pies each Sunday and I thank you.

To all I have given my lot too, I need you all to understand why I have chosen those items for each of you. You all may not like my final decision on how I distribute my belongings but hey, there is nothing you all can do about it but keep my gifts or throw them away. But, I need you all to know there is a reason behind my madness and my giving. Each of you have touched my life in a ways that money will never be able to show my appreciation and love. Each of you have shown me how much my time and presence meant to you by your telephone calls and your visits. Many of you brought me joy, some of you just was a pain in my ass. You all came in and ate up my biscuits and sweet potato pies and drunk up all my homemade teas then left me to wash all them dam dishes. But I’m not mad, I’m grateful to know many of you still loved me enough to call and even come over in spite of my attitude and mental state. I appreciate you all and love you most.

So, as I journey to my Father’s house, I leave you all with these stipulations. As I have left gifts to everyone, I ask that in 6 years to the day of this meeting, you all gather here once again.  Mr. Dickson will contact each of you to see if you all still have the items I bestowed upon you. If you do, additional instructions will follow.

Love Always Granny Ma Odella Johnson.