58 comments

Contemporary Fiction Funny

Oh boy, today’s gonna be great! Mama and Papa planned a nice trip for us to the big city of San Fracisco. I know there’s an “n” in there somewhere, but I always forget where. Anyways, it’s for my birthday. I’m gonna be four! One, two, fwee, now four. See my fingers?


Jack from preschool told me his family went and it was awesome! He said it was just like in the movie Inside Out, which we both love and have watched lots of times. My Auntie Mel lives down there and she promised to show us all the cool spots. We live in Oregon where it rains a lot, so I’m happy for some sunshine. Papa says the weather is s’posed to be good after the early morning. I guess the marines need to burn off their layers first and that takes time.


First, we go to the big owange bridge. Gold Something. I don’t know why they call it Gold because it’s for sure owange when I look at it. We were going to walk across it, but it’s much longer than you think from the movies. It’s a lot taller too, like a castle with wires. Auntie Mel told me people walk across those wires sometimes, which I fought was crazy! That’s something Spiderman would do, so they must be superheroes. Someday I wanna try it.


Next, we take a boat to some old island jail. I can’t say the name right, but it has a cut in it and raz, like raspberry. Now I’m hungry and tap on Mama’s leg. She tells me she didn’t pack raspberries for snacks this time, so that’s a bummer. I munched on some trail mix instead. It’s the one with N-N-Ems and those are better than raspberries anyways. I’m bored and hope we leave soon. There are no prisoners in this jail anymore and it’s cold in here.


My tummy got sick on the way back, so instead of lunch right now, we are going to a park to play for a bit. I heard Papa say something to Auntie Mel about some paint on ladies, but they were looking at colorful houses. There are a lot of people here, so I guess they saw one of those statue-people you give money to for standing very still. What happens when they have to sneeze?


Whew, the streets here are like mountains. They’re fun to run down while Mama chases me saying, Careful baby! Don’t fall! She doesn’t know how good I am with my balance now. I used to fall a lot and run into fings when I was a baby. Now that I’m four, I don’t do that anymore. Walking back up was hard, so I had Papa carry me. He was huffin’ and puffin’, but he never whined like I was doing before he picked me up.


We took a weird road on the way to lunch. It was all squiggly. I don’t know why they made it like that when they could’ve made it straight, but the adults thought it was cool. Now, we are walking on some fishing guy’s wharf. I like that word. It’s like war for dogs. My parents got some fishy soup in a bowl made of bread. Yuck! I’m glad they had some cheesy mac here for me. The bread is tasty though without the soup on it.


For dessert, we went to this place where they make chocolate! It has an Italian name I can’t say good. Mama says if I growl like a lion, then say deli like where you get sandwiches, I’ll be close. There are so many flavors to choose from I start grabbing them all. Papa catches me and tells me I only get four to match my age. He says I need to learn some self-control, but it’s hard cuz they’re all wrapped in such pretty colors! I chose a gold one, a blue one, a purple one cuz that’s my favorite color and an owange one. They were all so yummy, but now my tummy hurts again. I guess Papa was right after all.


After a quick coffee stop for the adults (it tastes yucky to me), we got on a trolley! We are going to a baseball game and Auntie says this is easier than driving there in our car. It’s the best cuz I don’t have to sit in a booster seat or wear a seat belt. Instead, Mama and Papa hold my hands as we bounce along. There are a lot of people on here, so it’s a bit squished. At least the ride isn’t too long.


When we got there, Papa told me there would be giants playing. I couldn’t believe it cuz I fought they were all gone, but now we get to see them play baseball! Our seats are up high where people get bloody noses. I hope my nose doesn’t bleed or I’ll cry. The giants look the same size as the other team, like normal guys. Maybe it’s cuz we’re sitting so far away.


A man comes by selling all kinds of goodies. Popcorn, peanuts, nachos, soda, hotdogs, COTTON CANDY, and root beer. I don’t like hotdogs, so I asked for popcorn, a root beer, and of course cotton candy. Mama said it isn’t root beer they're selling, so I would have to order a different drink. I got a Pepsi instead which isn’t as good as root beer, but still pretty good.


I fell asleep halfway frew the game. Baseball takes a long time and there’s not always much to watch for a little kid. They did get me a foam finger though and I wore it back to Auntie Mel’s house. It’s owange, my other favorite color. My body feels heavy and it’s getting harder to keep my eyes open now. Today really was the perfect birthday.


Well, it would have been had Papa not taken that turn too fast in the rain on the way down there.

December 26, 2023 06:46

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58 comments

Michał Przywara
21:01 Dec 28, 2023

Aw man, I totally forgot what prompt this was, and then I got swept up in the adventures of the day - and then the ending hit like a dump truck. The journey there was amusing though. There's lots of fun room in a child's POV to look at and (mis-) interpret the world of adults, or to point out the things we all take for normal that are actually odd when you scrutinize them. Like an orange bridge being called gold :) Thanks for sharing!

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J. D. Lair
21:08 Dec 28, 2023

Yes, I had a lot of fun writing this one from a child’s perspective. I’m glad to see it was just as fun a read. :) thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Always appreciated!

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James Lane
01:27 Dec 28, 2023

Knew something horrible was coming! Really liked the perspective and the way you conveyed a child's mind. Knowing the ending now makes that freakin awesome day sad :( Great work J.D!

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J. D. Lair
02:22 Dec 28, 2023

What should have been… When I read the prompt it was originally going to be an engagement story, but that would’ve hit too close to home for me haha. Figured it would be a good twist and it’s had the desired effect so far. :) It was an exercise in writing a different perspective than I’m used to, so that was a good and fun learning experience! Thank you for reading and for the lovely comment James. :)

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Carolyn O'B
19:16 Jan 29, 2024

Fun read.

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J. D. Lair
01:53 Jan 30, 2024

Appreciate it!

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Charleigh Knight
04:51 Jan 06, 2024

Wow…what a plot twist! That was a really interesting story great job!

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J. D. Lair
05:39 Jan 06, 2024

Thank you Charleigh! Hope I didn’t give you reader’s whiplash. :P

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Keelan LaForge
11:11 Jan 04, 2024

I don't know why I forgot something bad was coming. It was just so lighthearted and convincingly childlike that the final line really hit hard! Well done, I enjoyed reading it.

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J. D. Lair
17:09 Jan 04, 2024

Thank you for reading Keelan. :) sorry to burst the bubble at the end, but at least the journey there was nice!

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Onyx Stone
00:40 Jan 03, 2024

Mother ducker that ending hit like a ton of bricks to the face! It is always worse when you know something is coming. I love the use of how kids normally see the world: beer = rootbeer, and the baseball team the Giants = actual Giants. I think that is something we forget, that the world used to be so simple, so one-to-one. Thank you :P

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J. D. Lair
04:39 Jan 03, 2024

Haha thanks Onyx. Dope name btw! So sorry about your face. 😜

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Ferris Shaw
09:56 Jan 02, 2024

I'm confused. Did the car accident happen on the way to SF, and this whole story is the kid's ghost imagining the day he might have had? Or did it happen on the way back, and this is the kid's ghost remembering the day he did have? The story-ending phrase "on the way down there" seems to me to suggest the first, but the whole story seems to be presented as events that happened, not as events that merely might have happened...if Dad hadn't driven badly and gotten everyone killed. That can really ruin your day.

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J. D. Lair
22:51 Jan 02, 2024

Valid question and I’m grateful you asked! I imagined it as more of a dying child’s final daydream. He was already excited to go on the trip for his birthday, but things went awry. In order to cope with the sorrowful turn of events, he embarked on the journey anyway, though only in his mind’s eye. In this, he found comfort to let go and move on.

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Ferris Shaw
10:26 Jan 03, 2024

Ah, I see. Thank you!

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Sara Sorbet
03:49 Jan 02, 2024

missed looking at the world through a child's eyes! loved the details and that twist at the end! very well-written :)

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J. D. Lair
06:17 Jan 02, 2024

Thank you so much Sara! It was fun getting in the little boy’s headspace for a bit. I’m glad you enjoyed it too. :) I got your story up in an alternate tab and will give it a read soon.

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Alexis Araneta
10:26 Jan 01, 2024

Amazing job ! The details of what seemed at first a perfect trip was absolutely wonderful. The gut punch at the end, though.

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J. D. Lair
16:56 Jan 01, 2024

Thank you Stella! Unfortunately, it would not have been a well hidden detail if it didn’t result in a gut punch. 😬 Hope your tummy recovers!

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Aidan Romo
21:37 Dec 31, 2023

Brought me back to simpler times. Nice, sweet slice of life story that encapsulates the wonder and curiosity children have for the world around them.

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J. D. Lair
22:50 Dec 31, 2023

Thank you for reading Aidan and leaving such a thoughtful comment. :) I’m glad it brought you back to simpler times. It was nice to go there myself for a little while.

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Esa Manley
18:56 Dec 31, 2023

What a kick in the nuts that ending was. Well written.

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J. D. Lair
22:36 Dec 31, 2023

Haha thanks Esa. Sorry about your nuts. 😂

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Esa Manley
06:40 Jan 01, 2024

They'll survive. LoL Hopefully the feedback I get on my story won't constitute more kicks.

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J. D. Lair
16:52 Jan 01, 2024

Haha I’ll go take a gander and make sure to keep my foot poised. 😜

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Esa Manley
19:55 Jan 01, 2024

Awesome, I appreciate it. I'm too old for this social media, pimping out my stories but I guess you have to get eyes in your work somehow.

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J. D. Lair
20:53 Jan 01, 2024

Fortunately, most people here are supportive enough you don’t really need to pimp yourself out lol. Just keep writing good stories, be friendly with others on here, and it will be reciprocated. :)

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Helen A Smith
10:07 Dec 31, 2023

What a fun day for the four year old! I felt as if I was part of it. Great seeing things from a child’s perspective. I wasn’t expecting the ending - it took me by surprise. What a sad twist. Yet, like all children, he lives life in the moment - taking it as it comes. I actually lost my own dad at five and the hardest thing is not understanding it. It’s like an awful mystery of why this has happened and not being able to make sense of it. Still, I felt hopeful for him.

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J. D. Lair
15:50 Dec 31, 2023

I’m sorry to hear about losing your dad at such a young age. Though the understanding may have not been there at the time, I’m sure it was still hard. Thank you for taking time to read and comment Helen. :)

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Erika Darling
13:38 Dec 30, 2023

This story had so many fantastic details from a child’s perspective. My favorite was hoping he didn’t get a bloody nose sitting high up in the stadium. I was not expecting that ending!

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J. D. Lair
14:40 Dec 30, 2023

It was so fun coming up with all of them lol. Having little ones definitely helped me get in the right headspace. 🤪

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David McCahan
11:55 Dec 29, 2023

Beautiful. Completely wrapped up in the child's marvel. And then gut wrenching. Well done.

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J. D. Lair
15:56 Dec 29, 2023

Thank you David! I’ll hop over to your story today. :)

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AnneMarie Miles
07:38 Dec 29, 2023

Wheww, that ending hits hard! I was loving all of this (and not just because I was born in SF). I could see every description so clearly in my head, which is due to both your writing and the utilization of a child's perspective. They really do see things very clearly. I think my favorite bit was the lion growl + deli. As soon as I did it, boom, I was right there with him at the Ghirardelli square! Really wish he'd had made it there for all the fun. Especially the trolley! Thanks for sharing JD!

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J. D. Lair
15:51 Dec 29, 2023

I’m so glad to hear it painted a clear picture for a native! I haven’t been there in a long time, but lived in the area for a few years during my last couple years of high school and beyond. I really love that city and all the adventures I had there! Unlike the story, I do hope to take my kids there someday and see it through their eyes. I’m sure it’ll be special. :) Thanks for reading!

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Michelle Oliver
04:14 Dec 29, 2023

Oh no, what could have been and should have been. Loved the child’s perspective and their own interpretation of the world around them. Then you hit us between the eyes with the ending.

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J. D. Lair
05:02 Dec 29, 2023

My apologies for that. 😅

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Marty B
01:15 Dec 28, 2023

I have taken little ones through San Fracisco, and it about as this story goes, highs, (chocolate, trolleys, bridges!) and lows (tummy aches, boredoms, meltdowns) great twist at the end. thanks!

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J. D. Lair
01:50 Dec 28, 2023

I haven't had the chance to take my little ones yet, but I've been there plenty myself over the years. It's a great city with lots to see! Thank you for reading Marty. :)

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Trudy Jas
02:04 Dec 27, 2023

Oh darn! Poor little fella. Wonderful perspective. owange is my other favorite color.

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J. D. Lair
04:27 Dec 27, 2023

Thanks for reading and pointing out the spelling inconsistency. :) I read through it a few times, but missed that one haha. Part of trying to properly misspell in order to portray a child’s perspective, but I’ve made the adjustments needed. Thanks again!

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Trudy Jas
05:07 Dec 27, 2023

I know! That was the charm of it! Heck I'm 72 I still can't 'talk right', let alone spell. :-)

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Trudy Jas
10:24 Dec 27, 2023

JD, I tried doing this via your email, but gmail can't find you. so, here goes. Thank you for reading (and 'liking') HD - 496327584. I'd love to hear (read) your thoughts on it. good, bad, mediocre. All feedback at any time is welcome. It's the only way I can become a better storyteller. Thank. (trudyjas@gmail.com)

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J. D. Lair
22:43 Dec 27, 2023

I double-checked my email and it should be the right one, but I’ll try it from my end and let you know my thoughts. :)

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Trudy Jas
05:13 Jan 06, 2024

Hey, thanks again for giving feedback. Hope your holidays were good, and you haven't just thrown in the towel with the new year. can't wait to see what you will do with the arctic night. Candles, anyone?

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Mary Bendickson
20:10 Dec 26, 2023

That ending is a bit worrisome. His tummy is hurting from more than the imagined food fest.

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J. D. Lair
21:21 Dec 26, 2023

Right you are Mary! A few clues like that were left throughout. Glad you picked up on it. :)

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20:01 Dec 26, 2023

Aw man . I knew what the prompt was so I was waiting for the rug pull but still got me. Lovely writing JD. Captures that innocent imaginative voice perfectly. Kind of wish mine were still that age... actually no scratch that 😂 Hope you all had a lovely Christmas

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J. D. Lair
21:19 Dec 26, 2023

Haha mine are getting there, and though it is fun most of the time, the testing of boundaries is wearing me thin some days. 😅 ya, I was hoping the prompt didn’t give it away too much, so I’m glad to see it still had the effect I was going for. It sure got my wife when I read it out loud to her this morning. 😜 Christmas was pretty busy as it goes for most, but it was a good year. The kiddos understand presents now, so that was a lot of fun. I did try to dress up as Santa and my daughter cried and avoided me until I changed back. 😂 hope yours ...

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