She's A Terrible Gossip: The Column for Everyone's Benefit

How do rumours get started anyway? Is there someone who knows?

"I'm willing to bet that someone envious believes they should have had better circumstances in a particular area and is now trying to save face. What do you think, Paulie?"

"Nah, man. I know who starts rumours. Two-faced, phony, assed motherfuckcers who think they can because they are above detection since they have a squeaky clean operation and that nobody would suspect as being such an asshole until the jig is up, and lo and behold: Chuckie is that asshole. Otherwise, how'd you think his funky ass would stay on top forever without a blip on the radar or even a glimpse into his background as deceiving when it comes to getting by in life?"

"Oh, hey, did you hear about Miss Piggy? She divorced Kermit because he had too many warts and couldn't keep his eyes open while he ate with her on dates."

"No, but I heard that when his eyes are open, he can see in front of him to the sides and partially behind him. That must've driven her nuts at some point. To think he could do all that without trying very hard."

"Oh my God, I bet you don't know about dogs and their masters either. Dogs tend to bond with the person who gives them the most attention. Not necessarily the one who is their owner.

"Yeah, and they don't always pick the most believable leader to run the show."

"You're not going to believe this. Jane Fonda claims that sex after eighty is the best way to overcome depression and the loss of a spouse and to make you feel like a natural woman."

"It is her number one recommendation for women over eighty who want to feel fulfilled with life."

"What's up with that? The gossip said that as the Brat Pack returned from hiding, they gave interviews about how they felt about being called the Brat Pack instead of being recognized for work independently of their work together as one larger group called the Brat Pack."

"What do you make of that? Vladimir Putin is getting a belly. Do you think it is a fanny pack around his stomach where he keeps his most significant and brilliant war techniques available so close by in case he has to refer to his notes?

"Obviously, he's not that intelligent of a man because if he were, he would carry an attaché case like every other world leader and not pretend that his gut was three times the size it is. If you ask me, he's gone to a lot of trouble for nothing."

"Do you know anything about global warming? It was like lighting a firebomb in the changing room and locking the door on everyone there. They not only get warm, but they also get runny eyes and choke up."

"Does that count as being part of a global warming example? I mean. If we're talking about the abuse of one group over another, then perhaps I could see it, but only if what we're talking about means something concerning what we are already discussing. Know what I mean, Vern? Vern?"

"Whether you know Vern or not, you now understand what it means, right, Vern? Let it go, Vern. We're clear, Vern."

"Lastly, an elk searched out the good Samaritan people on the road not far off from where its colleagues were trapped up to their bodies in mud and would surely die if nothing was done to save them. The elk cried to the humans, hoping to attract one who would catch on to the help needed to free its buddies in the quicksand mud."

"Yeah? The people followed the elk to find four elk trapped in a mud field of quicksand. One's face had already been covered over in the field, while three others were able to fight for their lives. The humans gathered and pulled all four elk out of the quicksand."

"Once all the elk were cleared off the field, one elk perished. The elk, who initially sought after the humans, returned to their cars and let out a huge bawl to let the humans know their work was greatly appreciated."

There were instances of truth in each rumour, with just enough suspicion of doubt as to whether what was given was fact or fiction. So that each story fell around the same topic of rumour or gossip.

"But ain't nobody as sure as the advice columnists who prey on the rehash of gossip columnists who always want to know why or how someone did something without being able to remember or accuse anyone else of what happened right in front of them."

"We don't believe they all fall in line, as if they feel the way since their shirts have all fit the same size for years. Putin's weight promoted a movement of men in their early forties to keep their weight the same for years, give or take ten pounds."

"It was all because a man could not keep his eyes open while he ate to make his partner happy. The Brat Pack didn't want to be associated with the Brat Pack unless it had a 5 or 6 000000s attached to the price tag. Then, they responded to the Brat Pack name since it behooved them to do so."

So some guy asking for Vern could look us square in the camera and ask, "Know what I mean, Vern?"

And as we went on our merry way, it all clicked. It all became crystal clear.

But the best rumour is that Snap and Pop have been doing crack for years and left only Le to stand in its place. Now that brings a new meaning to the breakfast table fun with cereal, doesn't it?"

Reality bites, just like the hair of the dog after a night out of drinking with friends. And that's no joke. And definitely not a rumour.

You cannot be detected for something that would be versus being detected outright on a double-edged sword that always ends in a terrible cut for someone.

The language of the rumour is now complete. Anyone who promulgates rumours has to contend with bites, merry ways, crystal clear, no joke, definitely not a rumour, a double-edged sword, which always ends in a terrible cut for someone.

The ending line is simple. The next time someone starts to gossip, they should consider its potential drawbacks and the harm resulting from simply participating with their lips and feet without thinking with their brains.