A Bottle of Love

Their third year anniversary is just around the corner and Julian is prepared for the gallant displays of affection Sam will have planned for him. He chuckles as he places the eggs into the boiling pot, reminiscing their anniversary last year; Sam had gone all out by booking the sky deck at the Willis Tower for the night and gifted him the most expensive gaming console he'd wanted for months.

As he smiles fondly at the still vivid memory, the older boy feels a presence in the kitchen and frowns. Sam is never up this early on a Saturday unless something is bothering him. He turns around and sure enough, Sam looks tired and scared and just plain sick with worry.

“You okay, Boo?” Julian whispers and gestures Sam in for a hug, which the boy readily, almost eagerly, falls into. Sam’s body is cold and Julian frowns when he feels foreign droplets fall on his shoulder. He pushes the boy away only slightly, dipping his head to look into Sam’s eyes that are wet with tears.

“Ju... Julian...” The younger boy stutters but Julian doesn't let him speak, simply pulls him into a tight embrace; guiding him towards the small kitchen table.

They sit on chairs adjacent to each other and Julian keeps his hand steady as he strokes the boy's hair gently. An unprecedented fear settling into his ribs. Like foreboding.

Soon the egg timer beeps and Julian pulls away to turn the gas stove off but Sam only clings on tighter. Making Julian frown with worry etched into his features.

“Sammy?” The elder whispers and when Sam curls into himself at the nickname, pulling away, Julian can not help but feel his heart break. He guides Sam by the chin to make him look into his eyes and they’re red with tears and worried. And Sam looks scared. “Kim Sam,” he says, keeping his voice steady because he’s terrified but can’t let on, “what’s the matter, huh? What’s with all this crying? Tell me, what is it?”

And for the first time since they’ve met. For the first time in many, many years Sam cries.

Fear settles into Julian’s gut as he watches Sam bawl over some secret that he’s sure he’s hiding. And it scares Julian. 

Because Sam never cries.

“Sam…” Julian says, biting his lips as he speaks, “Sweetie… you’re scaring me.”

Sam looks up at him then. Eyes bloodshot and lips dry. And with desperation lingering in his touch, he pulls Julian in for a kiss. 

It’s urgent and needy. And it feels awfully like a goodbye kiss and it’s almost like Sam is apologising with the way he gently holds Julian’s face. Like he’s made of glass and could break any moment.

When he lets go, it feels like a century has passed by and anxiety creeps up his spine as Julian sends him a questioning eye.

And when Sam speaks, hesitant and scared but sure of what he’s saying. It’s like Julian’s world goes into turmoil.

*

“I don’t… I don’t understand…” Julian doesn’t dare look up at the boy. “What do you mean you… you kept me with a love potion?”

Sniffing at the question, Sam ignores the few years trailing down his own face and leans to hold Julian’s hands, which his boyfriend quickly pulls away from. Further breaking his heart to pieces.

“I just… we hadn’t been dating back then. And you…” he growls in anger at himself and bites his lips, budding away a flurry of sobs. “I didn’t think it would actually work. And… once it did I…” he looks away as he mumbles, “I didn’t want it to stop working.”

“So, what I…” Julian scoffs. Nothing makes sense to him and it’s like he doesn’t even know who Sam is anymore. Everything feels foreign. And distant. 

And fake. 

Sam holds Julian’s hands desperately, urging him to understand. “Julian, I never wanted this to happen. This isn’t what I wanted. I just— I just couldn’t continue lying to you. I couldn’t wake up everyday fearing you finding out. I couldn’t go to sleep knowing I would have to dupe another dose of the potion to you just to keep you in love with me!”

The air turns thick around them. Or maybe it’s just Julian that feels his windpipe closing up. “So, I don’t love you? Is that it?” It’s ridiculous even when he says it but Sam’s lack of reply is anything but funny. 

Sam shakes his head, crying, shaking his head, “you weren’t supposed to. I forced you to fall in love with me. It was…” a grimace turns his face sour, and he bites away a cry saying, “it wasn’t right. I should’ve never…”

A distant look settles into Julian’s eyes and he speaks almost robot-like. “What happens if I stop taking the potion, then? Do I start hating you? Do I forget our times together?” He can feel a sob lodged adamantly in his throat as he speaks, “every time I kissed you and everytime we slept together, does that all just… was that all just… in my mind then?”

Sam doesn’t have an answer to that so he decides to remain silent. He can’t even bear to look into Julian’s accusing eyes, much less give a failed explanation.

They sit aimlessly like that for several minutes. Trying to come up with something to say.

Anything at all.

It’s Julian who speaks first, lips wavering and eyes unsettled. “I don’t want to stop taking the potion,” there’s an urgency in his voice that sounds foreign. “Why do we need to stop? It’s not like it’s hurting me. And it’s not like our lives will get better if we stop.”

“It’s not right, Julian,” Sam tells him. Pained by the mere knowledge that Julian is willing to forsake his free will for their relationship. “This… this won’t last. What’ll happen when one day I forget to give you the dose? What happens if I stop getting the potion? It’ll hurt more. Because then… I’ll get too attached. It’ll hurt so much more having you with the promise of forever and then losing it too soon.”

“Are you saying you’re not attached to me now? That breaking this relationship now won’t hurt you? Are you saying that it’s okay to hurt once and let go of everything we have rather than fight to keep what we have going?”

Pain morphs his face into hurt as Sam listens to Julian. He pulls the boy by the neck and rests their foreheads together. They breathe the same air for a minute and Sam speaks, “if it was about just keeping you and keeping this relationship going, I would’ve never told you the truth. But, baby…” he huffs a sigh, the remnants of their last kiss lingering in the air between them. “This isn’t what you want. I’m not what you want. Keeping you with me like this… it’s no different than rape.”

His lips trembling and his eyes bloodshot, Julian whimpers against the hold, crying as he says, “you can make me fall in love with you again, right?” He holds Sam by the side of his face, presses his lips against the younger's hungrily. And mumbles into his lips, “you know so much about me. You know everything about me. You could easily… easily make me fall in love with you.”

Sam cries into another kiss, nodding his head despite not believing Julian’s claim.

That night, they don’t sleep. Julian spends the entire night watching Sam sitting on the window sill. Waiting for the dreaded morning to come.

*

When morning arrives Julian remembers everything about the previous day. Their conversation, the tears, the awkwardness of the rest of the day. And the sleepless night. And relief fills him because at least he hasn’t forgotten about Sam.

Speaking of whom, the boy is nowhere to be seen in their bedroom and Julian frowns as he sits up in bed.

I don’t feel any different, he wonders to himself, placing his hand over his heart as if to question it, It doesn’t feel like I hate him yet?

He drags his feet into the bathroom to freshen up, all the while wondering if the magic has worn off yet. He’s not sure about anything anymore, except for one thing.

He hasn’t stopped loving Sam… yet.

When he makes his way into the living room he sees Sam in the kitchen. Which is an odd sight in itself because neither of the two can cook and Sam is so much worse than he is. Hell! The boy once burnt their saucepan trying to boil water.

Julian walks into the kitchen, and his heart breaks when Sam stiffens at the quiet sounds of his footsteps. 

As if waiting for Julian to leave forever.

“I feel fine, Sam,” Julian says. He’s rooted to the spot as well. Tethered away from Sam just enough to hear him sigh but unable to smell his musk body wash. “I still… I still love you.”

Sam doesn’t turn to look at him, but with the way his back trembles, Julian knows he’s crying. “You’ll stop soon, Julian. The potion… the potion will…” Julian knows he’s biting his lips red as he says, “the potion will wear out soon and you’ll probably feel it happen.”

“Baby—“

The younger boy cuts Julian off as he turns around, bowing his head still and refusing to look into his eyes. Leaning against the countertop for support as if he could fall any moment. “I don’t have the potion, Julian so please… please don’t go searching for it.”

Julian scoffs at the boy’s words, and angrily barks out, “you’re being so fucking selfish right now, Sam! Don’t you get it, this is what I want, you hypocrite! And you’re taking that decision away from me!” He stomps towards his boyfriend and punches his chest, growling, “you don’t get to decide what I want! I don't want you to stop using that potion! I don’t want to stop this!”

“And I don’t want you living a lie.”

*

Julian watches Sam sleeping on the couch again and he feels hate make its way into his heart. And maybe the potion is finally wearing off because Julian just hates everything about Sam these days.

From his childish demand that Julian keep his distance until the potion completely wears off. To his stubborn disbelief in Julian’s words. He hates Sam’s silent sobs in the night. And hates the way his body cracks in the morning because of sleeping on the couch all night.

And heck! At this point Julian is starting to think he’s probably better off hating the boy after all!

But, though he hates Sam so much and even though Sam is being unnaturally adamant these days and even though Sam has really been trying his patience! Even though Julian hates him for putting too much garlic in their food that he insists on cooking! 

Julian doesn’t hate the guy. 

Nothing makes sense anymore and at this point Julian is beginning to think all this talk about love potions and consent are just Sam’s euphemistic way of breaking up with him. Because it’s been three days since Sam has kept his distance. Three days since he’s stopped taking the ‘so-called’ potion. 

And he’s still in love with Sam.

*

“What are you waiting for then?” Julian asks him on night five as they’re setting down into bed. Sam stares at him forlornly, stopping mid-exit from their bedroom (he’s planning to sleep on the couch until the potion completely wears off). He watches Julian like he’s something unattainable and Julian rolls his eyes because he’s fucking sick and tired of this shit now! “I’m not falling out of love with you, Sam! So what is it!? What is the problem now!? Do you want me to stop loving you? Do you want me to hate you so we can stop!?

Sam doesn’t grace Julian’s outburst with a reply, instead he walks back towards his boyfriend of three years and kneels down beside him on the bed. Resting his face against Julian’s knees he says, “I’m just… scared.” There’s a tremble in his voice that Julian has begrudgingly gotten used to the past week. Julian’s hands find themselves caressing the boy’s hair as he speaks, “what if we go back to normal and the potion suddenly wears off? It’ll be like losing you all over again and I don’t think I could take that. It was hard enough preparing for goodbyes the first time around. I can’t…”

Julian slides down by the side of the bed, cupping Sam’s face into his hands as he gently kisses the boy. Smiling into the kiss when Sam doesn’t push him away. He rests his forehead against his boyfriend’s and whispers to him, “you won’t lose me, baby. I’m here and I still love you. And what I feel for you?” He shakes his head, pulling Sam’s chin up so he can look into his eyes. Determination burning in them as he speaks, “What I feel for you is something no potion can replicate. Nothing could make me fall in love with you the way I already am.”

Sam shakes his head, still faithless, “But the potion--”

Julian cuts him off by placing his palm over his mouth. Gently yet firmly. “I don't care about the potion. And neither should you.” He wipes a stray tear away from his boyfriend’s eyes and kisses his lips once again as he mumbles into his lips, “what we have, is not because of some potion, Sam. Maybe it worked to get me attracted to you, but it didn’t make me love you. I love you for you. It's as simple as that. It’s not some magical concoction that’s making me say these things to you. It’s just you.”

Sam begins to speak but a string of hiccups make it hard to even form the words. But Julian patiently waits for Sam to speak. “Wha— What if the potion—”

Julian dips down for a sudden kiss cutting him off. 

Sam doesn’t get to complete his question and Julian doesn’t let him breathe in lieu of kissing him all night.

That night, they kiss and make love to each other without the fear of the morning bringing in goodbyes.

***

(3 years ago)

The man stares at Sam accusingly making the boy stumble his words as he hurriedly explains, “I swear it’s not for illegal uses! I just… he’s the library assistant at my university and I just want him to give me a little attention. I swear it’s not for illegal purposes! I just… I have… I mean…” He coughs uneasily, shrinking under the glare the witch is sending and quietly whispers, “I just want to take him out on a date, that’s it.”

“Why don’t you ask him out then, instead of buying a love potion to dupe him into liking you?” the man in front of his challenges. Smirking when Sam can form no coherent replies. He waits for Sam to come up with a retort or any kind of explanation but when the boy fails to do so, he buzzes his assistant on the telegram asking him to, “bring in that batch of Antiallium, please, Josh.”

His assistant brings out a box of the said potion and the witch smiles almost evilly before making a transaction for one bottle of Antiallium.

Sam quickly pays the man and races out the store and as soon as he leaves the witch’s assistant speaks up. 

“Mind telling me why you just sold a bottle of Antiallium to the poor guy, Alfred?” His hands on his hips, and a frown sitting atop his forehead, the man looks livid. “That’s a potion reserved for Vampires only!”

“Relax, that’s an old batch, it won’t hurt him.” The witch, Alfred, shrugs with a demonic grin resting on his face, “he wanted to buy a love potion to impress some guy in his university, Mr Joshua, my assistant who’s beneath me in status.”

Joshua raises his eyes, scoffing at the witch’s words. “So, you gave him a potion to suppress the scent of garlic!?” 

“I just think he can easily win over the guy without the potion.”

“Uh huh,” Joshua rolls his eyes, already used to the man’s antics. “And what happens when he comes back for another dose? I’m sure you’re not gonna tell him that it’s not a love potion he’s buying.”

Alfred smirks at his assistant, patting his back cheekily as he walks away singing, “what he doesn’t know, will help us sell off old batches of Antiallium. And continue to boost his self confidence. It's a win-win, and that is why you’re just the assistant and I’m the owner of this potions store~”

Joshua shakes his head in exasperation but doesn’t say more. After all, they do need to sell off the expired batch of Antiallium and as long as it doesn’t harm them, he’s not averse to selling them to humans. 

Of course, Alfred must never know he thinks that.

Shhh~