For the Truth, Would You Let Me Go?

You slide down the stone veneer walls and unto the shiny mahogany floors of Devin's bedroom as the harsh sting of dwelling tears crowd your vision, everything is suddenly flashing back and you hug your knees in search of closure, something you failed to receive and failed to give. That didn't mean you had any regrets though, it had to be said, it had to be done.

Ross was her closest companion, her best friend, the man of her dreams, everything she ever wanted was with him, and you had stepped in and made it all a mess, albeit you had asked for help, had wanted to speak, but once his hands went up, so did your wall of defense and fear, it had been two years since they broke up, three since you pressed charges, and five since your silence started breaking you.

"I promised you I'd tell you the truth, even if it tears me apart, so here it goes..." those were the last things you said to Sheila, Denzel, and De'arra before they stormed out, with a delirious Sheila and a now broken friendship. 

*** 

" The best time of the year has come ladies!" De'arra shouted as she adjusts her sparkly lilac two-piece.

There was a 70's theme party going on at Denzel's BelAir chateau tonight, and De'arra made SURE that she took everyone shopping for the right attire. 

You were wearing flare jeans with a soft pink peasant top. You packed your blue curls in a high half up half down hairstyle and put on light makeup with glossier. 

Undoubtedly, you looked good, but you felt terrible, every minute you spent with the group reminded you of how much hurt you had caused, words hanging in your throat waiting to be released at any point in time. You shifted uncomfortably in your seat in De'arra's McLaren as you thought of how you'd tell them, tell HER. 

It had been three hours and the party was just beginning to get into full swing, you had come in all smiles, hugging everyone and making small talk. All that time you were actually just trying to get the courage to confront the group. 

Just then your phone lights up, and your mind is made; 

"You've told them, right? I'm waiting outside, good luck M" - Dev 

It was at that point you knew it was now or never, you walked over to the blue IKEA couch you saw them sitting at earlier on, luckily they were still there, you opened your mouth, their eyes on you, but nothing came out. 

"Malanei what's up? You've been looking off all night." Denzel questioned as he shifted on the couch. 

"Yeah, you barely even sat with us. You good?" De'arra added. 

Hands clammy, you turned around, ready to walk away.

Just say it, you silently reminded yourself, that's when you realized that this was a now or never situation, something you know you'd regret not doing. You faced your friends one more time tonight, heart beating faster than ever. 

"I promised you I'd tell you the truth, even if it tears me apart, so here it goes, Sheila..." her eyes shot up, green blades piercing yours, awaiting the truth. 

"I-I was the one who filed that report against Ross," cold sweat tread down your back and it felt like you swallowed a pill ten times larger than you could swallow, "I never t-told you, b-because Ross, and I h-had an..." you couldn't finish, Sheila had already started screaming. 

"Malanei!"

"Betrayal!"

"I swore to everyone you could never hurt me!"

Different slurred words swirled around you as the music blocked the majority out, a majority you're glad you didn't hear. You couldn't bear to look at her, she looked so hurt, but you had to go on, tell her everything. 

"an affair," you continued, "I'm so sorry Lea, I never intended to break your heart or come between you both, but when I found out I tried to leave, I really did, but it wasn't easy, he had so much information on me that when I tried to leave, he'd threaten to expose me, I've been looking for a way to say this but I was so afraid to lose you." You wanted to reach out and hold her so you both could cry, could heal, but it was too late. A small crowd had formed around you and your friends-at least till now. 

You ran out of the luxury home and straight into the lawn, Doc Martens clicking, hysterically looking for Devin's Toyota Corolla, startling him as you got into the backseat, he was the only one who knew before them, and now, he was your only friend. 

Devin was quiet the whole ride, and so was you, your M.A.C makeup was running down your red face, hands still shaking with your phone in one, you wondered why you initially expected it to buzz with calls and texts from people asking how you were and why you ran off, instead you were left staring at the time every two minutes until Devin finally stopped the car. 

*** 

"You can stay in my room, I'll stay in the next one. If you need anything just call my name." He was halfway out the door when he turned around and sat next to you on the floor, a hand snaked into yours... 

"I don't want you sitting here all quiet like you don't deserve to feel some ways about what you had to do tonight, I don't know if you got the closure you wanted but I'm sure you got something at least. I know it's not enough, but for now, you're not the liar anymore. You're the one who made a mistake and wants to change." 

You wordlessly snatch your hand out of his and rest your head on his broad shoulders, your soaked cheek meets with his soft Letterman vest and for the first time in a long time, you close your eyes with an assurance.