Purple Lilacs

“Hi Mom.”

“Oh my baby boy, look at you! I swear, you are more handsome each time I see you.”

“Sorry it’s been so long since I last visited. Life has been, well, a bit hectic. I think about you a lot though, I hope you know that.”

“Of course I know that. I’ve never doubted it, honey.”

“Here, I brought you flowers… Purple lilacs from our old back yard. I figured I’d bring you a piece of home out here, brighten up the place. Whenever the lilacs bloom, it makes me think of you - you were always pointing them out when you looked out the window in springtime, remember? Oh just look at those lilacs, driving us all nuts…”

“I do love lilacs. They make me think my favorite Walt Whitman poem…”

“…reciting that Walt Whitman poem. And since we are selling the place now…”

“You’re what?”

“… I figured it was the last chance for you to enjoy them. Well, your lilacs, anyway. Did I tell you we were selling? I don’t think I did. I have so much to catch you up on, I don’t even know where to start… I may as well sit down, make myself at home, so to speak.”

“Yes, do that. I don’t have much to tell you, I’m afraid, it’s pretty much the same day in day out here. Why are you selling the house? What about your Dad?”

“Where to start? Brace yourself, Mom, because it’s a lot. I guess… Well, I’ll start here…Katherine left me. She took the kids. She’s staying with her parents while we figure some stuff out...”

“Oh, Liam. I’m so sorry, baby.”

“… and I don’t blame her. I screwed up. Bad. I mean it, Mom. I really fucked up – excuse the language, I know you hate that – but I did. I don’t think I can even tell you what happened, Mom, because…because I’m so ashamed. I…”

“You can tell me anything, you know that… Oh, please don’t cry. What did I always tell you? There’s nothing you can’t tell me, there’s nothing you can do that will make me love you less.”

“…I can’t… Shit – sorry, Mom – it’s too much. I just…I don’t what to do. I don’t know how to make this right! I always promised myself, you know? I always promised myself I would never be like him, dammit. That I would never hurt the people that I love, and yet... I screwed up.

“Last weekend, Katherine and I were talking money; things haven’t been great with the business. She suggested selling but I’m just not ready, that was Grandpa’s shop, it’s part of our history, you know? So Katherine started going on and on about how we need to start taking online orders, adapt to the changing times, cater to larger construction business, a little hardware store has no future. And she was right, you know? I know that. But it just felt like she was coming at me, relentless, and I could hear Dad’s voice saying I would be the one to run the business to the ground. Then little Tommy... we always say God gave him springs instead of muscles. He just wouldn’t stay still, trying to get attention and all that, then he broke that plate… And I lost it…”

“Oh my Lord.”

“I swear I didn’t lay a finger on them, Mom! But I screamed at that poor boy and Katherine came for me… and I don’t know what came over me, I didn’t see red, I saw nothing, black. I slammed my fist through the drywall. Then I just left. It wasn’t like I needed to calm down at that point, I knew what I had done. The worst part was afterwards, apologizing to Katherine, apologizing to Tommy... You have no idea what that was like for me, Mom... using the same damn words he used to use with us. The same! The same pleading…”

“Honey, you are nothing like your father, you know that.”

“… the same groveling on my knees. I even called Tommy “buddy”; I never do that. What do I do, Mom? How can I make this right? I don’t even think I can.”

“My darling boy, it hurts me to see you like this, with your head in your hands. How long have you been married? Eight years now, I think. In eight years, you have screwed up once. One time. I don’t want to make excuses for you, I think you need to get help. I’m talking therapy. It’s probably my fault. I stayed with your father for too long…I should have done more for you kids. Especially you… Rory was always harder on you than your sister. Maeve was the apple of his eye. But let me tell you something, your father first laid his hands on me - on me, not the drywall - after eight months. Eight months, honey.”

“Dad’s dead, Mom…”

“What?”

“…I guess that’s the other big thing I needed to tell you. Two days after the incident with Katherine, Maeve found him in the garage. He’d taken a shot gun to his head. To be honest with you, I felt nothing. I feel nothing. Does that make me a monster? And you know... I think Dad always knew on some level, that’s why things got weird between us. He knew I never believed him…”

“It’s starting to rain, dear. You should have brought an umbrella. I don’t want you catching a cold, I heard stress can weaken your immune system.”

“… Sorry, Mom, it’s Maeve… Hello? … Hi sis… I’m just visiting Mom… No, they’re still here, you’d think the groundskeeper would throw the dead flowers out, or at least water them… Oh really? Fuck… No, he never told me anything… to be fair, he would have told you, not me… Ok… I’ll call you later… love you. Bye.”

“How is my girl? I wish she would visit a bit more. I know she is busy with the kids and everything, especially since she made partner…”

“That was Maeve, Mom. She told me Dad was diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer that day before he shot himself. My God…”

“Don’t say the Lord’s name in vain, honey.”

“.. it explains a lot. He always said he didn’t want to die the way his Grandpa did, all that chemo and suffering.

“It doesn’t explain the weird note he left though. The note he left me. Why did he leave a note with my name and not Maeve’s? Here, I’ve got it right here, I’ll read it to you… hold on…

‘Son, what a mess, she and I,

We fought, pulled and pushed,

Now I can finally join her.

And remember, son, the last word is the only one that counts. 

Goodbye.’

"What does that even mean? Only the last word counts? What word, goodbye? Did he want to get the last word in? I don’t get it…”

“Rory and his cryptic riddles. My gosh, I don’t miss that. Put it away, dear, before it gets too wet and the ink runs.”

“Is he finally telling me what happened? I think he wrote it to me and not Maeve because he knew. He knew I never believed him. The police may have bought his story about how he was taking a leak and saw nothing, but it always felt off. I wish you could tell me what happened! I don’t think you wanted to die, and my gut tells me it wasn’t an accident. You guys always hiked that trail to Cathedral Ledge at the end of summer before the leaf peepers descended, but that time was different; Aunty Eva told me you had been planning on leaving him. I figured maybe he found out, I dunno... I was only seventeen, I didn’t notice anything different. Maybe I should have, I mean, we’re you depressed like Dad said? Did he finally tip you over the edge? I was so self-involved.”

“You were a teenage boy, that’s normal. But a wonderful, brave, and kindhearted teenage boy. Do you remember the week before? I’d accidently unplugged the freezer to use the new vacuum cleaner. I didn’t realize until there was a puddle of water on the floor. Your father had been drinking, he was so mad, hollering and screaming about the food being ruined, he had me by the hair when you came down from your room. You fought him off and stood between us. I’d never seen you like that; you looked him in the eye and dared him to take a step closer. He didn’t… just cursed us both out and left.

“I made you do that by staying, Liam. I made you what you are. What happened with Katherine is all my fault. That was the day I decided I had to leave. For you.

“I wish you could hear me; I have told you what happened so many times. It’s no use.”

“I guess I’ll never know. I’d better go, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t have anything nice to tell you. Hey, how about this? Josie has her dance recital next week, keep your fingers crossed for her… Oh and Mom? I hope Dad isn’t with you, like he wrote in the note. I hope he never finds you.”

“I’ll keep Josie in my thoughts. And don’t worry, he’s not here.”

“Oh, but I am.”

“Rory?”

“Hello, my love.”

“What are you doing here? Stay away from me!”

“I came for you. I see the boy brought you purple lilacs. Your favorite.”

“Yes, they are my favorites… Did I ever tell you about the legend of Syringa? About the lilac?”

“You did not. Pray, enlighten me.”

“You stay back though , don’t take a step towards me.

“The god of the forest, Pan, fell in love with a wood nymph called Syringa. She could not escape his persistent advances, and in her despair, she turned herself into a lilac to hide from him. I used to wish I could turn into a lilac to hide from you, Rory.”

“Yet here we are, I always find you. Anyway, I believe in Pan won in the end; he turned her into a flute and she never left his side.”

“I never heard that ending.”

“Look, your son is leaving, get him to come back!”

“Our son, and I can’t do that! We can’t touch anything, he can’t hear us. The most I can do is make a bit of wind.”

“Do that then! …Come on! Oh for Christ’s sake woman, I will do it.”

“Careful, the note is blowing away!”

“That’s the point. See? He noticed, he’s getting it. Maybe he’ll understand the riddle.”

“The last word is the only one that counts…”

“Yes... come on, son. Use the brains God gave you for once.”

“Oh my God... Mom, he did it! He admitted to it. He pushed you!”

“What? What’s he talking about, Rory? How did he figure that out?”

“The note, Elaine. Look over his shoulder and read it again, only the last word counts. Read the last words.”

“I... pushed... her…”

“He pushed you. I can’t believe it, after all these years. I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I should have done more.”

“Oh Liam, don’t cry! And don’t blame yourself. I’m so glad you know! You can tell your sister, the police!”

“Hold your horses, my dear. The police will never accept that as a confession, and Maeve won’t believe it. Just be happy our blubbering wimp of a son knows the truth. And don’t forget your sister, that bitch will believe him for sure.”

“But why, Rory?”

“The secret was weighing on me. Call it a guilty conscience. Besides, you’ve been haunting me all these years, haven’t you?”

“Of course…after what you did to me, and then playing it off as a possible suicide!”

“I did what I had to for our family. Maybe your son knowing the truth and me dying will be enough for you to cross over, and we will be together forever. Look, Elaine - my love - I know I wasn't always the best husband, or father, and I've had to live with what I have done. But it wasn't all bad, was it? I mean we really loved each other; you were my wife, mother to my children, the air to my lungs, my reason for being. Now I will have eternity to make it up to you. The Lord has given me another chance."

"I think you've been given enough chances. I gave you too many chances, Rory."

"I know that. And you are right. One more chance. Come, let's go together."

“Oh Rory, you silly man. You think we are going to the same place?”

“Wait, what? Elaine! Where are you going?”

“The opposite direction to you, Rory. Up. Goodbye.”

“Elaine!”