Messy Missives

Hermes's Messy Missive

Volume XII, Issue III

Trojans and Achaeans alike, rejoice!

Your boy Hermes is back at it again with another edition of his weekly newsletter. I may be a messenger to the gods, but you know my heart has always been with the hot gossip of folks down below! I'm a messy messenger who lives for drama, after all.

Ever since the Aphrodite-Ares-Hephaestus love triangle drama died down eons ago, the tea has been cold up on Mount Olympus. Thankfully, Goddess of Discord Eris has finally brought us the earth-shattering pettiness us gossip-mongers have been waiting for! If you've been craving drama, you must stay perched.

As you may have heard, a war has begun. Bad news for the frontlines, but a goldmine for me! Word on the street has it Helen of Sparta, long known for her elusive beauty, has ditched hot-headed husband Menelaus for the much younger, hunky Paris of Troy. Needless to say, news of the separation were poorly received by the King of Sparta. Forget about political stability and diplomacy, armies were sent all spears-blazing to avenge his wounded honour. Heck, who wouldn't the same with the luxury of a thousand soldiers, am I right? Hades hath no fury like a king scorned.

This may all sound familiar, but what you may not know is how this shocking betrayal came to be. Thankfully, your favourite messenger has some insider godly information to share.

Turns out Helen's wandering eyes had some strings pulling on them! At the center of this shocking affair, you'll find a trio of familiar divas. That's right, it all started with bickering within the unholy trinity of feuding olympians!

Let's hope Peleus and Thetis enjoyed their wedding, because the WHOLE thing is their fault! Let's just say Eris wasn't exactly pleased after her name was left off the invite list. As a result, she may have slightly overreacted (the party wasn't all that anyway, to be honest - I've seen better DJs at the Eleusinian Mysteries).

Always one to look for trouble, the Goddess of Discord dropped an apple right next to a pond where Olympus's leading ladies were bathing. The plot twist: the apple was inscribed with a message that read "to the fairest."

You can imagine this spurred quite a conflict between Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera. These three could never resolve a debate by themselves. It's expected from Aphrodite and Hera, but you'd think the Goddess of Wisdom would know better.

To settle the dispute, our leading ladies reached out to Paris for some male perspective, because what could go wrong with that? Of course, bribery was involved. Athena tried to woo him with knowledge (boring!) and Hera promised him political power. Alas, it was all to no avail. Paris being the rake that he is, he naturally chose Aphrodite's gift: the heart of the most beautiful woman in the world.

Paris, you need to think with your brain, my man! And thus, the war began. It's far from over, however, and you can be sure your most beloved messy messenger will be there to cover it all!

XOXO, Hermes

Hermes's Messy Missive

Volume XII, Issue IV

Trojans and Achaeans alike, rejoice! Hermes, your messy messenger who lives for drama, is back at it again.

First, I'd like to stress I cannot comment on the ongoing case between Peleus and I for legal reasons. I will have to leave his name and that of his wife out of this missive until his lawsuit for slander has been resolved. To avoid injecting more bad blood into this situation, I'll try to keep things short and clean this time.

Today, I deliver some short but sizzling tea from the frontlines. Agamemnon, commander of the Achaeans, has been forced by Apollo to return his captive lover Chryseis to her father. Perks of being a priest include having Apollo on your side, always.

Word has it Agamemnon has now stolen Achilles's lover, Briseis. Heartbroken, Achilles has withdrawn from battle! Another love triangle feeding Greece with thirsty whispers. This shocking turn of events leaves us wondering how the Greeks will recover from losing the support of their greatest, most revered hero. If Achilles does return to the war effort, he can at least count on his closest, dearest "companion" Patroclus. That's right, emphasis on the quotation marks. If you know, you know.

In other news, Hector has had a lot of pressure on his shoulders lately. Will he manage to cope with the burden? Careful H, you wouldn't be the first leader to crumble under pressure.

XOXO, Hermes

Hermes's Messy Missive

Volume XII, Issue V

Trojans and Achaeans, I have some difficult news to share.

I'm afraid your favourite messy messenger will have to put his column on hiatus. I have been hit with another tricky lawsuit following my completely harmless comment regarding Achilles and Patroclus. Boo, leave it to Greek soldiers to be dramatic over a whole bunch of nothing. What can I say, there is no smoke without fire... or should I say the fires of passion?

As a result, the court has ordered me to stop publishing my wildly popular column for the time being. I wouldn't want to anger the Goddess of Justice (she's a tough one), hence I must comply.

Rest assured, this is only temporary. Soon, I shall return!

XOXO, Hermes

Hermes's Messy Missive

Volume XII, Issue VI

Trojans and Achaeans, you have betrayed me.

I trusted you would remain my faithful readers through and through, even during my hiatus. It now seems another writer has taken the spotlight in my absence: some unknown poet by the name of Homer.

A pox on epic poetry! To my readership, I resent your shift towards a less deserving genre and I will leave this charlatan to relate the remaining days of the Trojan War, but I prophesize that one day, poets will fumble and gossip-monger will once again become the most prominent of writers. Verses will be forgotten, Muses will have no one to sing to, and earthly people shall once again rely on tabloids as their premium source of information. Rest assured, I will return!

Until then,

XOXO, Hermes