The Vampires Lesson

 An old woman sat in front of a roaring fire, the warm glow enveloped the room in welcoming light. The children played, yelling and carrying on as an old woman serenely sat cross-legged watching their youthful, exuberant, energies mingle. She looked around the room and breathed in the palpable energy that was expended by the young ones. They played with each other and toys that were scattered though the room. Their parents left them in Kahla's care. Nana Kahla was what they called her. She accepted it even though she was no ones true grandmother. She wore it with pride.

“Little ones!” She yelled. Some of them stopped, others slowed but continued playing, unsure if Nana Kahla was going calling them or not. After all it was after supper and it was story time.

“Little ones! Gather close! Its Nana Kahla's story time!” She said glee coloring her voice, hoping to imprint that glee in the little ones. It worked. They cheered and gathered.Kahla looked around at the little ones, making sure everyone was accounted for. Little Ninnty was taking a minute. She tottled her way to the back of the group. When Kahla was satisfied she started.

“Tonight I am going to tell you a remarkable story, about one of the Gods in the Heavens. He is no ordinary God; he is a trickster!” She said with excitement. The kids eyes grew wide, and you could practically hear all of the air being sucked out of the room with anticipation. When Kahla was satisfied with the growth of tension in the room, she continued.

“Pfhster was not only the god of tricks. He was also a writer. He used his stories to craft his elaborate tricks on those he believed needed to learn a lesson.” She looked around the room. The kids were staring back at her their eyes wide with wonder, breaths shallow as they waited for more.

“This is the story of Pfester and a Vampire named Jensen Leeds.” she said, and waited for the children to settle.

“One day...” She started.

*~*~*~*~*

Pfhster became bored. He looked about his room and yawned. He pulled himself up off of his chaste lounge and wandered over to the balcony. He had done enough tricks on the various Gods and Goddesses. Heaven was a dry well, but Magi-Terra that was something different. It had many mortals and those who thought they were immortal to chose from. Say! That gave him an idea! Maybe he could trick one of the stuffy “immortals?” He smiled to himself with glee and pranced out of his bedroom and to the observation room.

As soon as Pfhster arrived, he grabbed the nearest eye piece and scanned the diamond shaped surface of the planet, with its many floating islands. Most of the people he found were mortals that most Gods were fond of. The land of Magi-Terra looked like a large multi-colored gem. The flesh of all of the beings merging to make a rainbow like sheen on the surface of the planet. He scanned down to the magma belt, most of the more ashy to dark tones of the world belonging there. Demons, Teiflings and various types of demon spawn lived down there. Like undead and vampires.

'Ah, vampires... now that's an idea!' he thought gleefully. He hadn't tricked a vampire before. He had a look of absolute joy on his face as he flounced back to his room. Vampires thought themselves immortal and were incredibly insufferable. One person who had met a vampire said they were like the type of person who acted like they were older than the hills. Thus aged themselves and expected everyone around them to pity them.

Pfhster let the door to his rooms slam shut as he settled in his desk chair and propped his hands upon the keyboard of his trusty blessed typewriter. Who to write about? He thought as he tapped one of the buttons in thought. His eyes popped open the moment he thought of the ideal vampire and set to work. His room filling with the sounds of clicking and clacking of the typewriter.

Jensen Leeds worked in his chemistry lab, he was bound and determined to find a solution to what was the latest thing to ail him. Last week it was the tiggers. He swore it was the tiggers. The tiggers were something that could only ail the living. It was a type of parasite that ate at the tissues between the flesh and the muscle. He was itching and complaining all week. His fellow vamps rolled their eyes. Jensen was insufferable even to his own kind. The week before he feared he had coffin rot. Coffin rot was a nutrient deficiency in the undead. Jensen displayed a hearty appetite in spite of all of his health complaints, so he wasn't suffering from it. Jensen was a hypochondriac. You would think since he was the undead that he wouldn't worry about such things.

Jensen had been a hypochondriac in life too, immortality had made it worse. His sire had told him he wouldn't have to worry about any sort of mortal disease. This still hadn't put his mind at ease. He still made his way to his chemistry lab and set to work. He still worried he would fall apart at the slightest human sniffle. It was quite pathetic. He was afraid when he would hunt. Instead of biting his victim he'd rather drain the poor soul of all of their blood, collect it in a bag, boil the blood when he returned home, adds a flavored anticoagulant, let it keep in the freezer, before pulling it back out and subjecting the stuff to more boiling. His buddy Joel joked he had boiled all the hemoglobin out of it.

Ah ha! He's perfect! Thought Pfhster as he started typing out his narrative. He popped out his mini observational orb. He saw Jensen as he stood in his chemistry lab. He mixed chemicals, saw their reactions, wrote it down, and then he administered it to his right foot. What kind of lesson did he want to teach this vampire? This one wasn't haughty, entitled or dramatic. Pfhster watched a little longer to observe his routine and habits that would make a better trick.

Jensen finished applying his salve to his foot 'he didn't want to get corns you know' and hummed with satisfaction at his work. He then slid a sock like sleeve over his foot and wrapped that in a long piece of fabric. Then put his foot in his shoe. He stood and walked, all seemed well. Except for the uncomfortable squelching in his shoe, but 'that's to be expected' he thought to himself, and limped around his lab. He wouldn't let anyone know, but his chemistry lab was his most prized possession. It helped him navigate the world in his way, the scientific way. He could solve any problem with his chemistry lab.

Pfhster cackled and typed away. Tickity! Tickity! Tap! Ting! Meanwhile on the planet below Jensen jumped from a loud crash from behind him. He whipped around and saw much to his dismay one of his beakers broken on the floor.

“Oh, No!” He cried, his heart sinking in his chest.

He gathered the broom and dustpan, while he was sweeping his mind wandered, thinking over his actions in the last few hours. Had he been neglectful of his beakers? He had gotten finished making his salve. He put away his extra chemicals. Put the extra salve in a container, then washed his equipment... all of the beakers, Erlenmeyer flasks, Florence flasks, test tubes, volumetric flasks and graduated cylinders had been properly washed and put on the drying racks. Anything he hadn't used should have been in the cabinet. The cabinet!

He head snapped up. It was wide open! His heart sank as he took in the state of the cabinet, how did it get like that? The equipment including any tongs and droppers were a mess! How in the hell? Its not like he had been neglectful, he loved his equipment so much, why would he not take care of them? Wait... what was happening here? The shelf... It didn't look right. He tossed the broken beaker in the garbage and set the broom and dustpan aside as he slowly made his way to the cabinet. Something was off. He got closer and looked behind. It wasn't touching the wall the way it should have. He crouched to look near the bottom to get an idea of how far away it was from the wall. It was far, but that wasn't the important bit: It was suspended in the air! How? What was happening?

Pfhster giggled! This was fun! This rigid vampiric chemist was the most fun he'd had in a millennium! He was so protective of that God damned lab that he had become broken hearted with each thing that went wrong. Pfhster finished his last sentence with a flourish. The cabinet dropped, and fell forward crashing into the equipment. It broke the bulbs, rings, stands and clamps holding up tubes running to various types of Burets, volumetric flasks, and Florence flasks of the large Rube Goldberg machine looking structure. Pfhster giggled and giggled, maybe this would teach Jensen to live his life, forget the various diseases that he thought could kill him and live his after life. This was so much fun!

“NO!” Jensen cried as the cabinet fell forward. He tried catching it...

CRASH!

Jensen's heart broke along with his lab. His chemistry lab! That thing had eased his transition into the afterlife. Chemistry had been the only constant... the only thing that saved him from dying completely. Yes, Joel and his other friends had tried to convince him he couldn't die, but he didn't want to take that chance. He wept, red tinged tears running down his snow white face. Yes he could get new equipment, but this was the equipment he had since he was a living young man. It made the world bearable. He knew if he had his chemistry lab he could take on the world. Now... those meaningful bits of equipment were gone... He couldn't bare to see it and fled.

He sat upon his coffin and wept. He didn't know how he got to his rooms. They were on the other side of his castle. He felt as though he was floating in a haze, heck for all he knew he had turned into a haze to get back to his rooms. His beloved chemistry lab... smashed to smithereens.

Meanwhile, Joel had come seeing if his old friend wanted to go out for a bite. He knocked on the door to the chemistry lab, knowing more than likely that is where his friend was going to be found. There was no answer. Joel tried once more. Still no answer. He shrugged and figured that Jensen was on to some remarkable discovery and didn't want to stop, so he let himself in. He gasped at the mess he found.

Did someone break in? He thought. Is Jensen okay? He dashed in through the door as quickly as he could, his heart beating a mile a minute. His head whipped from side to side, as he made his way carefully through the lab. Where's Jensen? If he's not here, and this happened... what did happen? Maybe he's in his rooms... Joel stepped between all of the broken glass, hoping not to step on a shard and send it up through his boot. It was a slow task, but he eventually made it around the fallen cabinet. Past the counter, and around all of the debris to the door. He was relieved that, that was over and left to look for Jensen.

Jensen was flopped in his coffin, his legs akimbo outside the walls of the thing. One arm was draped over his eyes. His tears had ceased hours ago, but he felt no motivation to move his arm away. He felt no motivation to perform anything, even to go clean up the mess in his lab. Jensen let out a monumental sigh, his heart sinking with each note his voice dropped with it.

Pfster was feeling his trick had done half of its job, there was one more half that needed to be done: The lesson.

Joel knocked on the door to Jensen's rooms. He heard nothing, his heart pounding, he held his breath and knocked harder. Still no response. He knocked even harder, the skin on his knuckles cracking open and bleeding against the wood. He heard a creak from the door, but it didn't move. His heart beat even faster as he hammered on the door harder, he could feel splinters in his open wounds and could see the wood fall away.

“Okay! Unos! I'm coming!”Yelled Jensen's voice from the other side. Joel started to breathe easier, and his heart stopped beating in his ears, as he could hear Jensen's foot steps coming closer to the door. The door creaked and in the space between the door and door jamb appeared the red tinged tear stained face of Jensen.

“Wha- Joel? What are you doing here?” He asked, confused etched into his crystalline like features.

“I went to your lab to see if you wanted to go out for a bite, I didn't hear an answer and assumed you were deep into work. I walked into the lab to see the mess it had become... I became frightened, what happened? Are you okay ol' chap? I thought you had been kidnapped or something.” He said, concerned.

“I am fine, but my lab...” His breath hitched and he felt as though he had been stabbed in the heart. He began crying again. Joel was visibly alarmed, he knew that Jensen was a hypochondriac, but didn't think he was this sensitive!

“My friend! Do not cry, it will be alright. We'll get it all cleaned up and get you new equipment.” He tried reassuring his friend. He felt a twisting, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach seeing his friend cry.

“I-its not just the equipment... if it was -” His breath hitched“-I'd just re-replace it. Its more than that.” Tears continued streaming down his face.

Joel was quite confused he didn't know how someone could become so attached to an intimate object. He didn't have anything himself, that he could think of, that he was attached to like that. He was mostly attached to people. His friends, his sire, and his mate.

“My equipment has always been there for me... My chemistry lab coaxed me through life by aiding me to discover solutions to my health problems, and it helped me in the afterlife that way too... now its gone!” Jensen dropped his head into his hands and started weeping again.

“I'm sorry, it must be like loosing an lifelong friend...” Joel patted him on the shoulder. “Loss is a part of life and death. Losing people can be like that too. I know as vampires it seems like we will live forever...”He said his throat getting thick, recalling those he had lost in the centuries past. “...That's why we must seize every moment that we can and enjoy them.” He smiled. Jensen sat for a minute and looked at Joel. It was like he was seeing him for the first time, as a person. Joel was just as important as his chemistry equipment – Maybe even more. A chemistry lab couldn't talk back, couldn't offer advice, or play games. It could merely deliver scientific answers, instead of emotional or logical answers that only the human or vampire brain could. Jensen, for the first time in a long time – smiled.

“Let's get the lab cleaned up and go out for a bite.” Jensen proposed.

“Sounds like a plan to me ol' friend.” Joel smiled.

The two vampires made their way to the lab, cleaned it up, and went out for a bite. Jensen felt much better after getting something to eat. He and Joel looked over catalogs of various types of chemistry equipment, and Jensen realized he could get better and moderner equipment than he had before. He realized he could get a new counter top and a securer cabinet for all of his equipment.

“Pfster sat back, satisfied with his work. Pfster had stolen and looked like the fool in his youth. As he grew the more, he decided his tricks were better served by teaching lessons. It seemed mean at first, when he did things like break Jensen's chemistry equipment, but once the whole thing played out it was okay in the end. He felt he had achieved a satisfactory goal. The stealing and mean tricks were performed in his youth to supplicate his more juvenile tastes; never felt good – they made him feel absolutely awful if he was honest.

*~*~*~*~*

“The people of the planet below would have no idea that Pfster sat above them at his typewriter. Poised to impart valuable lessons. No one knew when one of his lessons would come, but they didn't need to. Pfster scarcely knew himself, and that was the idea.” said Nana Kahla as she finished her story.

The children stared at her with enormous eyes. They were half intrigued and half terrified. They looked among each other, a low din of conversation breaking out between them. Nana Kahla smiled at the youths and allowed them to have their conversations. Maybe they would learn something from it in the long run. Stories, myths and legends impart their own lessons, and maybe this one would imprint on them.