Artistic Sacrifices

“I need to get something off my chest.”

“Oh, do you have a pimple?  No big deal.  I get those on my back all the time, and…”

“Gulliver, shut up.  I’m serious. I think I want to stop being a dragon.”

“You can’t do that, can you?”

“I don’t know if I can or not, but I have to.  I’m done killing knights and gathering gold.  I want to do something else.”

“I get you, Lars.  I’m a little tired of the knights hiding in that armor.  Farmers are easier on the teeth.”

“No, I’m done with it all.  Don’t you ever want to do something else?  Something bigger or more important?  Don’t you want to do something that says you were here and you made a difference ?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m saying I want to express myself in a creative way.  I want to do Ice sculptures.”

“Hate to break it to you, pal, but that hot breath of yours doesn’t work around ice.” 

“No, I’ve thought about this.  Our dragon breath can be changed.  Just some good dental hygiene and a different diet.”  

“Diet changes?  What, no jalapeño poppers?”

“Nope.”

“No sriracha basted scorpion with Serrano salad?”

“Nope.”

“What about troubadour toes in Tabasco?”

“No, and I’ve never liked those anyways.”  

“Yeah.  Foot fungus.  I get it.”

“What about ghost pepper stew?  You’re definitely going to miss ghost pepper stew.” 

“Actually, no.  I won’t.  Kinda gives me butt burn.”

“That’s the best part. I don’t like this.  I don’t like this at all.  Who am I going to get hot wings with on ten cent Tuesdays ?”

“Hey, Gul.  This is about me, not you.  Chill out.”

“Don’t start using your fancy ice sculpture talk with me.”

“No, I mean, don’t worry about it.  I’ll go to get wings with you.  I’ll just get something else.”

“Sweet.  What you gonna eat?  Baked Alaska?”

“Baked Alaska? What are you talking about?  Is this 1950 or something?  Who eats baked Alaska anymore? “

“I don’t know.  It always sounded good to me.  Ice cream under meringue, I think.  What is meringue anyways?  Can’t be as good as whipped cream.  Why not just use whipped cream?  Can you have devil dogs?”

“Yeah, sure. I guess.”

“Ooh.  I know, chili- dogs.”

“What?  No. I just said I can’t have spicy.”  

“No, the ice cream.  You know from the song.  Sucking on chili-dogs behind the Tasty Freeze.  John Cougar Mellencamp?  Jack and Diane?  Nothing?”

“I know the song, Gulliver”

“Chili-dog.  It’s like a popsicle or something.  Can you have that? “ 

“Uh, sure.  I always thought that was a hot dog, but sure.”

“I’ve actually tried one once.”

“How was it?”

“Couldn’t tell you.  Melted right off then stick as soon as I opened my mouth.  I bet it would’ve been delicious.”

“Alright, alright, focus.  What am I going to tell my parents?”

“About what?”

“Never mind.  Just play it cool.  Here comes my dad.”

“Well, what do we have here?”

“It’s just Gulliver, dad.  He’s eating over tonight.”

“No, what are those on his feet?”

“Ah, my new kicks.  I made then from a few canoes I found after plundering that river community.  Like ‘em?”  

“No, no I don’t.”

“Really?  I think I can really move in these.”

“Not in here you don’t.  Take them off.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.  Sorry Mr.Drago.”

“Smells good, hon.  Lars brought Gulliver.  I hope you cooked extra.”

“There’s plenty, Drago.  Gulliver, you just help yourself.  Don’t you worry about Lars’ father.  We’ve got spicy sailor eyes, liver wrapped jalapeños, and Lars’ favorite- Tabasco soaked farmers.”

“Yeah,mom, about that, I’m going to have to get something else.  I’ve got to change my diet.”

“I knew this day was coming. Lucinda, didn’t I tell you? I could feel it.  Kids today just don’t act like we did.  It’s that TikTok, I tell you.   It’s poisoning their minds.  I mean look who he hangs out with.  I knew it.”

“Dad. Please, I have something to say.”

“Okay, let me have it.  You’ve gone vegan, haven’t you.”

“What?  No.  You wouldn’t understand.  I’ve had this on my mind for a while.  I don’t want to be disrespectful, but I’m sick of doing the same thing every day.   It’s fine for you and mom because you’re just old fashioned dragons.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Dad, we are so boring, it’s ridiculous.”

“You call fireballing your food boring?”

“Cliche.” 

“What about this lair?  None of your friends have a lair this nice. Certainly not Gulliver.”

“A big lair full of gold.  Who needs it.” 

“Okay.  If I’m so out of touch, how do you explain my 150 followers on my instagram account?  Only dragon drummer I know of.”

“ You’ve got me there, but what are those drums made of?”

“ Well… dried and stretched human skin.  The key is to let the knight soak…”

“Cliche.”

“ You know what?  You’re a hater.  Nothing but a bratty stuck artist who can’t appreciate one when he sees him.”

“Exactly, dad.”

“ Yes, exactly…Wait, what?”

“ You’re right.  I am a stuck artist.  I need to express myself, and I really feel I need to give ice sculpting a try.”

“Ice sculpting? Is that all you’re talking about?”

“Well, yeah.  I’m going to have to eat a diet that gets rid of my fire breath.  That’s not a problem?”

“Not for me.  Pass the eyeballs.”

“Wow, I thought this would be a lot harder.  I’m leaving tonight, I suppose.”

“Here’s some raw knights, hon.  I’ll pack some for your trip after we eat.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“Oh, hey, Gulliver.  We were just sitting down to lunch.  Come on in.”

“I thought that was your cart. I even let a tasty knight go when I saw it.  When did you get home?”  

“I came back this morning.”

“It’s good to have ol’ Lars back, am I right, Mr Drago.?”

“Don’t you have a home.”

“Don’t worry,sir, I brought my own food.  Just caught these knights.”

“Very well.”

“So, Lars, how’s sculpting?” 

“Oh, I quit.”

“After one week?  Weren’t you any good?”

“Actually, the instructor said I was really talented.  He said I was a natural with the saw and he could see a real future for me in the sculpting world.  One of my pieces was even used at the royal wedding, but I couldn’t stick with that diet.”

“Wow, the royal wedding.  It’s too bad you couldn’t stay with the food.  I wouldn’t have even tried.  I don’t know how you did it for as long as you did.  So, what’s for dinner?”

“My sculpting class.”