Welcome, Stranger!

Welcome, Stranger!

by

Andrea Palmieri

You never notice the scent of your own home until you’ve been gone long enough to forget it. The house smelled so clean and empty. I finally felt like I wasn’t being suffocated by airplane fuel and the sweet stench of sweaty strangers.

And my bed. Oh, God, my bed. The clouds did not compare. It was still bright out but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I’d promised Lenny I would drop by for a beer when I returned home. I’d only be out for a few minutes anyway. As soon as I was up I would get changed and walk over. I’d be damned if that bastard tried to pull any of his stupid pranks on me.

I opened my eyes to darkness. Only a dim light shone from under my bathroom door. Shit. What time was it? 8:15 already. I considered going back to sleep right here with my jeans on and everything. Maybe then I’d save myself from chance of any April Fools nonsense. I almost did, too, but my stomach hauled me out of bed and into the kitchen.

The fridge was no good and as I was turning to the pantry I almost missed the sound that came from the yard. Damn raccoons always making a mess of my plants. I swung open the old door and walked out with my phone light on. It’d been a while since I was back here, I’d forgotten how dark it gets. It put me a bit on edge. There was nothing to see so I headed back in, turning my light off. Maybe it was something about the yard but I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that I had eyes on me. I stopped, my back facing the guest bathroom. God don’t turn around, I told myself. This isn’t one of those damn horror movies, Ace. Just keep walking. I turned around. “Oh Christ, Lenny. You damn near scared the shit outta me, man. You’re so stupid. A ski mask, really?” He stood there like a deer in headlights, not saying a word. I could see his hands shaking at his sides. Poor fool got more thrill out of his pranks than he knew how to handle. “C’mon, let me get you a drink.” I walked back to the kitchen and searched the fridge for possibly the only thing left in there that wasn’t spoiled. I turned back with two beers in my hand just to see an empty kitchen.

Fine. He wanted to play pranks? I could show him pranks. I rummaged through my drawers to find my bag of marbles and some nylon string. I peaked my head out from behind my kitchen wall to see the guest bathroom with its door now closed. My footsteps were so light, I could hardly feel the ground beneath me as I snuck over to the shut door and began to silently sprawl the marbles over the floor. The nylon seemed to blend into the air after I stretched it tightly between the two wall ends.

The room was too quiet. I crouched soundlessly in the corner waiting for something to happen, but it never did. The bathroom remained closed and the marbles cast statuesque shadows on the floor under the back door. A minute passed and I almost forgot why I had been standing there in the first place, until I heard the wooden floorboards creaking upstairs. He must have wandered up there while I had been in the kitchen searching for drinks. Still, I refused to give up. I returned to the kitchen once more and dug out an old chunk of ice cream cake from the freezer, following up the steps with a big grin on my face.

Lenny’s loud breathing through the thick cloth of his mask gave away his position. He was in my bedroom, wrestling against my window latch. I watched in amusement from the entrance for a moment before I made my move.

I snuck up behind him and whacked the side of his face with the cake. It didn’t crumble. Or squish, or splat, or break, or crack. It was frozen solid. Lenny made a loud oouf sound and hit the floor. “Oh jeez, Len, I’m so sorry! Here let me-” I held my hand out to help him up but he just scrambled to his feet and ran out the door. “Dude what are you doing,” I yelled. I ran after him, almost slipping on the track of ice cream he left behind. He clearly hadn’t been so lucky as I heard four thumps down the stairs, followed by another grunt. The guy was gonna get himself killed if he kept going like this. The Hell was going on with him anyway? When I reached the stairs, he had already gotten himself up and I could see him running again toward the back door.

“Lenny, get over here, you’re gonna get hurt!” I was right. The marbles on the floor slipped and rattled against each other as Lenny’s feet skated over them, barreling into the nylon string ahead. His body was hurled forward while his legs swung up behind him and his face was sent straight into the wall adjacent the guest bathroom.

“Aourghg.” Poor Lenny was writhing around on the floor in pain. I watched, not knowing what to do. I just straight up Home Alone’d my best friend, I thought. What the Hell do I do now?

Lenny started to get up. I reached my hand out to him again, and this time he grabbed it. “Man, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” I took him by the arm and walked us over to the front door. He was still wearing the stupid mask. “I’m gonna go get my phone and keys, okay? You just stay here so I can walk you home.” I wasn’t surprised this time when I came back and he was gone. He had left the front door wide open. I didn’t close it. Instead, I walked out and over to Lenny’s house. I was worried he might’ve already been drinking so I wanted to make sure he got home safe, though he only lived one house down.

Both cars were in the driveway and I could see lights on inside the house. I knocked on the door hesitantly, half expecting to be sprayed or smacked or smothered with something that stains as soon as it opened. What was on the other side of the door, however, was much more surprising.

“Ace!” Lenny pulled me into the house with a hug. “You didn’t tell me you had landed, how was the trip?” He let me go and closed the door behind us. I stood at the opening of his living room, slack-jawed and with gaping eyes.

“What,” I said.

“Uh, how was your trip Ace?” He was pulling it off, I’d give him that. He must’ve practiced all year to be able to lie to my face like that.

“Come on, man. Don’t pull that,” I smirked. “Don’t act all innocent like your little robbery prank didn’t just go sideways on ya.”

I could see the confusion start to form on Lenny’s face after realization settled into mine. I turned around to see the rest of his home. Amira and their kids sat around the table, staring up at me. It was clear I had interrupted their dinner.

Oh my God. There was no way. Oh my God. My eyes went blank as I rushed to the kitchen. Oh my God. I pulled at the magnetic calendar on the fridge. Oh. My. God.

“Ace, what’s going on?” Lenny put his hand on my shoulder. “Ace?” My eyes lifted from the calendar and up to my reflection in the stainless steel of the refrigerator.

“It’s April second.”