Teeter-Totter Tiff

Teeter-Totter Tiff

(Insensitive treatment of the weight-challenged.) It stands as an integral part of the colorful history of Jefferson playground, a standoff of epic proportions, a historic test of stamina, a battle of will and wit. It was Eastwood vs. Van Cleef, the Roadrunner vs. Wile E. Coyote, Ralphie vs. the kid with green teeth, Westley vs. Prince Humperdinck, Batman vs. … well, you get the idea.

Looking past the 3-seater swingset, the monkey bars, and the merry-go-round, under the fading light of the setting sun, a distant observer may have mistaken the image for a Blow Pop with the stick end pointing upright at a 45˚ angle, a large round object at the bottom and a smidge of something at the top. A closeup revealed the drama that had been unfolding since school let out four hours ago- “Tubby” Tommy Torkelson seated on one end of the motionless playground teeter-totter, the end firmly affixed to the asphalt, and “Slim” Jim Jensen hovering in mid-air on the other end.

“You ready to give up you little twerp? I’ll keep you up all night if I have to.”

“Fat chance, Fatso.”

The small crowd that had gathered at the onset of the struggle had long gone home. Each combatant had their cheerleaders for a time, Slim Jim because he was a pretty good guy, with Tubby garnering his support through the persuasive forces of fear and intimidation.

“I’m trying to be reasonable here. You’ve got plenty of options- your lunch money for a week, you do my homework for a week, or a couple of pics of your mom in a bikini.”

“Jesus Christ, Tubby, you are one sick 6^th grader. And how the hell would I get pictures like that?”

Four hours on a teeter-totter. The challenge was becoming more mental than physical for Slim Jim. He was hitting the wall and began to weigh his options. He could always down a big breakfast to compensate for no lunch or sneak some chips and cookies into his school bag. Any further interaction with Tubby regarding his homework would be distasteful, but there was a certain appeal to Tubby turning in a week of homework that would merit straight zeroes.

“Well, then give me your lunch money. That’s the easiest thing to do.”

Who would blink first? Slim never thought Tubby would last so long, but he had underestimated Tubby’s lust for food and his unmatched aversion to homework.

“Yeah, like that’s just what you need… another lunch. Did you know the girls call you the Tubby Twins? I’ll bet you haven’t seen your wiener since you were a baby.”

“Shut up you little worm. Or do you want to go for two weeks of lunch money or homework? Or maybe a couple of nice nudies of your mom.”

The hostile rhetoric had been escalating ever since the moment Tubby realized he had Slim Jim in a vulnerable position. Bargaining from a position of strength, he took advantage of the situation and attempted to extract favors from his diminutive counterpart.

“Hey, Tubby, I can see your house from up here.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Oh, look, your mom's outside, and I can see her butt. Oops, no. It was just the full moon rising over your house.”

“Shut up, Wimpy. Maybe I’ll just pound you into the pavement instead. ”

Slim Jim was neither stupid nor reckless. Rather, he was aware of certain critical conditions that would keep him safe from the much larger bully who had him trapped ten feet above ground. He was presently at a safe distance and once on the ground, he figured he could outrun his rotund tormentor. He was growing weary, and his butt was sore, but he figured that although cruel gravity put him in this position, Newton’s discovery had to be inflicting even more discomfort on Tubby.

“You must be hungry by now, Tubby. Why don’t you give it up and go home? I’ll bet your mom has a nice side of beef and a bushel of potatoes waiting for you. You might want to get there before she eats it all.”

Tubby’s mind was shifting gears. The motherly insults were getting to him.

“Watch your mouth, Slim! You’re going to be coming down sometime.”

 That was what Slim Jim was fishing for. He felt he found the chink in Tuby’s armor.

“Yo momma so fat that when she goes camping the bears hide their food.”

“Leave my Momma out of this!”

“Oh my, a little sensitive are we? Am I hitting a little too close to home? I heard yo momma was so ugly she threw a boomerang and it wouldn’t come back.”

Tubby, to the best of his ability, was thinking. Lunch, homework, and sexy pics were fading in terms of purpose. He was bent on defending his Mother’s honor. Slim Jim read it in his eyes.

“Yo momma so fat that when she steps on the scale, it reads one at a time please.”

The breaking point. Tormentee turned tormentor. That’s all Tubby could take. His goal now was to inflict as much damage as possible on the featherweight at the high end of the teeter-totter. He knew what he wanted to do, but he understood the challenges in laying his stubby little fingers on the cagey and likely swift Slim Jim. He stumbled into a strategy… of sorts.

“Alright, Slim, I guess that’s enough. I’m sorry about all of this. I’ll let you down. Let’s shake hands and put this behind us. Sorry.”

Oh, my goodness. Slim Jim was not about to fall for this ruse.

“Uh… Ok, let me down, and we’ll shake on it.”

Now Tubby wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even he was able to sense the deception. He understood that once on the ground, Slim Jim could just take off. Plan B popped into his mind- the curse of the mischievous, heavier partner on the teeter-totter- the butt-buster sudden drop. Tubby would hop off the teeter-totter and Slim Jim would plummet to the pavement. His target was in perfect position as Slim Jim had stretched his feet out and they were resting comfortably on the beam between the the two. His legs wouldn’t cushion the fall, and the sudden crash landing might afford Tubby the opportunity to capture the little guy.

Tubby bailed off his seat and the shocked Slim Jim headed for Mother Earth at the rate 32 feet per second. From a distance of ten feet, it didn’t take long.

Crash!

Slim Jim hadn’t thought of it. His mind was shaken and his butt was smashed. He fell to his side and lay on the asphalt, dazed and confused. His eyes re-focused just in time to see Tubby rushing… the best he could… toward him. Slim Jim scurried to his feet, and the race was on.

Past the swings, around the merry-go-round, and two trips up and down the monkey bars. The tortoise and the hair, but this rabbit wasn’t about to take a break. At such times, just like the fox and the hounds, motivation matters. Tubby was running for revenge; Slim Jim was running for his life. The exhausted Tubby gave up the chase, hurled a few expletives in Slim Jim’s direction, and headed home.

The moral of the story? Never ride a teer-totter with someone who weighs more than you, and always keep a few Yo Momma jokes stashed in your back pocket.