The Staff

There you are.

Hello, sir.

Busy day, soldier?

Not especially, sir.

Awful lot of people here.

That’s not unusual, sir.

That’s true, that’s true. Lots of people come here, feels like every day, to gather out past that balcony, just to get a look at his excellency the pope, and receive his blessing.

That they do, sir.

Incredibly powerful spiritual experience that people travel miles for, to actually behold God’s avatar on Earth, and you and I are tasked with the protection of his holiness, to preserve the authority of the Catholic church.

I take that task very seriously, sir.

But today, I have a question for you.

What’s that, sir?

Who the hell is that out on the balcony?

That’s—

Soldier, I know that you are a stout-hearted man, and your steadfastness, while commendable, is not enhanced by a devious intellect. So, I want you to look real hard at how unamused my face is before you answer with a lie.

That’s a body double, sir.

A body double?

The cardinal said we should have one, for emergencies.

What cardinal?

You know what cardinal.

Oh. That cardinal. Is this an emergency?

I couldn’t actually say, sir.

Are we under attack? Is there a fire? Are there assassins running around?

Not that I know of, sir.

Well, where is his excellency?

I really couldn’t say.

It’s really very essential that you do.

I must not.

Says who?

That cardinal.

I am your boss.

I know that, sir, but disobeying you could only get me fired. I could go to hell for disobeying a cardinal.

Who told you that?

The cardinal.

Alright. I’m not going to fire you. I’m not going to ask you where his excellency is. Where is the cardinal?

With his excellency.

I see. And what are they doing, wherever they are?

Mostly screaming.

Mostly?

There seemed to be a lot going on.

Were they...fighting?

No, sir.

Was his excellency in pain?

Oh, yes, very much so, sir.

Why didn’t you help him?

The lady was helping.

What lady?

I couldn’t say, sir.

Well, was she a nun?

No, sir.

Was she a noble woman?

She didn’t look like one, sir.

Did she have all her clothes on?

Yes, sir, she absolutely did.

Well, that’s good to know.

Although, his excellency didn’t.

His excellency didn’t. You mean you saw the papal staff?

I absolutely did not!

Well, good, that’s the cardinal’s sin.

Sir?

Never mind, soldier. Where did the double come from?

The cardinal had a cell for him. He knew where to get the hat and robes. And the staff.

Yes, I think quite enough hands have been on that staff lately.

I really couldn’t say, sir.

So, there was a lot going on.

A lot, sir.

His excellency, undressed, screaming.

Oh, everybody was screaming.

But not fighting.

Not fighting.

Generalized pain.

It seemed specific to his excellency.

Some lady, nebulously helping.

Yes.

What was the cardinal doing?

Telling me to leave.

And go get the body double.

Yes.

That he had in case of emergencies.

Right, sir.

And you can’t tell me where his excellency is.

I really couldn’t say.

Fine. How exactly did you stumble across this undisclosed place?

I was patrolling, sir, and heard a noise at the door. Nobody should have been there at that time of day.

You mean while everyone’s at early mass.

That was the time, sir.

Over at the corridor by the east service stairs?

That’s right, sir.

What floor?

F—hey, no, I really couldn’t say, sir!

I know your route, I can walk it myself, poking my head in all the doors, as if that’s a good use of my morning. I will find it anyway; you could save me some time.

Time is what it’s all about, sir.

What’s that supposed to mean?

That’s what the cardinal said. He said the body double was to buy his excellency some time.

What kind of time?

Few days, I should think.

You should think?

I seem to get in trouble when I do, sir.

Why do you think a few days?

I really couldn’t say, sir.

Was it something you saw? Something you’ve seen before?

I’ve never seen anything quite like that before.

Something you were not meant to see.

The cardinal seems to think so.

A shameful thing.

Well, his excellency is at the hand of God. Nothing can be shameful in service of God.

I see. So, everybody screaming.

Yes, sir.

His excellency, undressed. On the floor?

No, sir.

In a chair?

No, sir.

On a bed.

Yes, sir.

Lady helping…in the bed?

No.

Next to the bed.

Yes.

Fully dressed.

Yes, sir.

The cardinal. That cardinal.

Yes.

Screaming at you.

Very much so.

Guarding the door?

Well, not very well, sir.

Fully dressed?

Thank God for that, sir.

Did you see blood?

I saw blood, sir.

And you heard screaming.

So much screaming, sir.

But the cardinal had a body double in case of emergencies.

And this qualified, sir.

So, predictable blood.

I couldn’t’ve predicted it, sir.

But you’ve seen something like it before.

Never in the Vatican, sir!

And you did not see the papal staff.

Not a trace of it, sir.

I see. I’m going to ask you a question, soldier, and I want you to make yourself as plain and uncomplicated in your answer as you possibly can.

I’ll try, sir.

Was there another person in the room?

I’d say…there was about to be, sir.

The lady is a midwife.

That did seem to be the case, sir.

And his excellency…her excellency…

I think so, sir.

Well, don’t. You get in trouble when you think.

Yes, sir.

I have to go. Don’t mention this to anyone else. Or you’ll be fired and go to hell.

I was afraid of that, sir.

Do whatever the cardinal--that cardinal--says.

I will, sir.

Stay here. I have to go.

Sir?

What is it, soldier?

Do you think it’s a miracle?

I really couldn’t say.