Glitch In My Reality: Déjà Vu

Is it raining again? The weather has been very unpredictable lately. This was supposed to be summer, warm and humid. I don't why I am thinking about it. It's not like I prefer one or the other. They are both the same to me. I still feel bored and devoid of any excitement. I feel exhausted today. Work has been getting hectic lately. It seems as if we are always low on staff. And also low on motivation. Ah well, there's no point lamenting about that. I should be glad I get to go home I suppose. Just to sleep and come back again tomorrow. They say tomorrow never comes but as I've seen, it comes everyday. I hope the train is on time today. Oh, it's already seven. Looks like I won't be getting home before ten again. Again? It's not like I ever get home earlier than that. Time to go. Adieu Rosemary Catholic Campus! I will come back again tomorrow to clean you up and make you pretty again. And now the rain stops. Really unpredictable.

As I hurry to the station, afraid of missing the train, my usual dose of paranoia, I feel extra lethargic than usual. The day still lingers heavy on my shoulders and my feet needs dragging. And my backpack isn't helping either. Not that it's heavy. A Critique of Pure Reason, antiperspirant, my keys, a pair of sunnies, a bottle of diet coke and a half eaten packet of Arnott's. I tap my Opal card at entry gates which pings loudly notifying everyone that it needs topping up. The card doesn't have sufficient funds it says. If my calculations are correct, it should at least have $30 left on it. I quickly glance at a train screen which shows that I have twelve minutes until the next train comes at platform 3. That's my platform. Always. I've got enough time. I relax and walk towards Opal top-up machine. I think $50 should do for this week. I top up my card and get out of the station for a quick smoke. I turn right from the main doors and head to a familiar quiet corner to hide myself from the crowd of people going back and forth along the plaza. I take a cigarette out and light it up. I see that I'm quickly running out of cigarettes these days. I seem to be smoking a lot lately. The pack has only 13 left. I always keep count. Helps me track my own addiction. Makes me feel like I'm in control. When in fact, these tobacco sticks are the ones in control. They control me and my moods both.

I watch the clean sky darkening steadily after the rain as the cars go by round and round the station picking up and letting down people. I slowly fill my lungs with tufts of smoke. The lights are slowly getting brighter and more colourful. The smoke I exhale quickly dissipates into the crisp air to stealthily envelope the world with the taste of my breath. I look at my time. Three minutes. I throw the half smoked cigarette butt on the ground and stamp my foot on it. Such cruelty to a mere stub. I hurry past the gates and quickly get on the platform. I am relieved that I didn't miss the train. Perhaps this is all my unconscious effort to not go home. But I know it's futile. There is no escape. There's nowhere else for me to go.

*****

I look through the window at the darkness as the train speeds up through stations filled with people going back to their homes. Perhaps some are going for a night out. Well, have fun guys. I connect my headphones with my phone. The screen displays Ode to Joy. It's the 17th of October. What good is knowing what day it is going to do to me. I wonder. Beethoven's 9th symphony starts playing in my ears. I naturally feel like smiling and crying at the same time everytime I listen to this. Such a masterpiece. I am lost within myself. The train is slowing down now to a station. A voice announces that this station is Epping. Some start getting off hurriedly while others rush inside to find their favourite seats. Some get lucky while others go from carriage to carriage trying to find a good spot. I turn my attention towards the window. There are still people walking around. The symphony is building itself up in my ears. This is getting better. I am enjoying this part. Suddenly I am jolted back to reality by a figure standing beside me calling my name.

"Kai, is that you?"

He must have called me few times before I got out of my musical trance. I turn around to face the voice. I remember this face. But it's been so long.

"Alex, what are you doing here?"

Such a stupid question. What does anybody do on a train?

"I'm going to my girlfriend's place in Somersby. Are you going home?"

And he sits beside me. I am happy to see him after a long time but also can't help feeling a little uneasy for being bothered during my silent contemplation with Beethoven. I take off my headphones and put them away in their case. I can't escape this confrontation now. I don't want to be rude to an old friend.

We begin to talk. We weren't the best of pals. We were just polite to each other. He worked at the bar at my last workplace. I worked in the kitchen. We greeted each other and sometimes had brief conversations about things in general. Nothing too deep. Nothing too interesting. Just polite conversations. That's all. Amid our chat, he proposes we go for a quick drink before we go our separate ways. I agree. He suggests we both get off at Gosford, my station, and then he'll head off after. He's going to take a cab to his girlfriend's place from there. So we talk some more and get off at Gosford.

*****

When we're getting out of the Gosford station, I tap my Opal card at the gate. It shows a balance of $80. I get a little confused at this. I tell Alex about how earlier it said my card didn't have sufficient funds and I had to top it up with $50. He just shrugs it off and tells me that it might just be a technical issue. Nothing to stress about. I also don't feel like thinking about it too hard so, I just snub this small thing away. We get out of the station and enter a pub on the other side of the street. How conveniently placed. We go inside and walk towards the bar. It seems lively here. There's a band playing. People seem to be singing in unison and dancing in their happy drunken stupor. It's already nine o'clock. But for audiences, it must have been five o'clock somewhere. We take a seat at an empty table close by after each getting a pint of Stone & Wood. We try to make conversation for a while but the loud music and merry raucous around stifles the words into mere vibrations. He asks me to come outside for a cigarette. I quickly finish my beer and follow him out. We greet the security guard briefly and walk out to the pavement to have a smoke. He tells us that there's a smoking zone inside as well. Next to the second bar behind the music stage. We just laugh it off and tell him it's all good. I take my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and offer Alex one. He thanks me and asks for the light. I light his cigarette. I pull one out too and hold it between my lips before l light it up. The security guard must have been bored with all the noise and drunks throughout the night so he comes up to us and starts talking. He talks about life, love, sex, women, drinking, using drugs and many other things. And a lot of gaming jargon I have no clue about. He and Alex seemed to be getting along pretty well about gaming and using casual recreational drugs. I stand beside them silently smoking my cigarette listening to them talk for about half an hour. Then we go back inside. After one more drink I look at the time and it's already past ten. I tell Alex that it's getting late and I should be heading home. I have an early day tomorrow. He is quick to agree as well because there's only so many calls and text messages he can ignore from his girlfriend. And he has been doing that all night tonight. Maybe he doesn't want to go see her actually. Maybe he too is looking unconsciously for an excuse to run away. Where to though, only he knows.

We shake hands, hug it out and bid each other goodbye hoping to see each other soon again. We should do it again sometimes he says. I nod in agreement. We exchange phone numbers and then go our separate ways. I look at the time on my phone. The last bus leaves in five minutes. Lucky me. Or unlucky. I get to go home.

*****

All through the bus ride I keep thinking about my life and my place in it. I contemplate hard on the things I wish I'd rather be doing and start to feel a little down. This always happens whenever I am coming back from work. At least at work, I am occupied and don't have time for such depressing thoughts. But now that I'm stuck with myself, the melancholy wraps me like a warm blanket putting me to a gloomy sleepy state. I look around the bus which is almost empty. Only the bus driver, me and another guy who looks absolutely hammered. He's fallen off his seat couple of times already. You can't blame him only though. The bus driver seems to be driving little recklessly. Maybe he is in a hurry to get back home to his wife and kids. Or he is all alone just like me perhaps. Nevertheless, he is speeding the bus through streets and corners disregarding any ditches and bumps. Reckless I say.

I press the stop button on the pole fitted on the seats. A voice announces that the next stop has been requested. The driver seems to be in his own reverie of thoughts and misses my stop. I am very annoyed at him. I get off at next stop and tell him that he missed my stop. He apologizes to me. The apology feels heartfelt. So I forgive him silently. I thank him for the ride, the usual common expression of gratitude, and get off. Now I have to walk up the hill and down to reach my place. And I was already exhausted. Having two beers should have made me feel a little elated and light but it's not actually helping at all. The sadness in the air thickens and my heart feels heavy with every step I get closer to home. Home. It's just a room with four walls and a roof. I live with couple of other people and share a common kitchen. There's a living room with a TV nobody ever really uses. Maybe only rarely.

The ocean looks calm and violent at the same time. I live on the coast so this view is all I can get. There are bushes and trees on the other side of the metal fence between me and the ocean. It gradually slants downhill from the main street up to the beach. I climb uphill and downhill to turn a corner to reach a small bridge. There are people fishing here almost always. There's a lagoon there made from cutting off the ocean water by the council. It spans a really large area and shelters many fishes apparently. Thus the usual fishing. Although the water looks very murky and smells like drainage. Ah well, everybody needs a hobby.

I stop at the bridge to look down at the water. Maybe I'll see some fish. You can see them at night just swimming around. The water looks uncannily still. Very strange. I am extremely confused at first. Maybe it's the darkness playing tricks on me. Then I look around for usual strangers enjoying fishing. There are none. I look around me again. There are few cars occasionally passing by. Other than that the road looks eerily desolate. I start to feel very uneasy now. I can't feel the wind. The bushes and trees aren't swaying either. Did I notice that before? Or is it just the beer kicking in? I can't quite figure out what is happening. I look up to the sky. The clouds are completely still as well. The moon hangs like a celestial light bulb. There are two huge streetlights on either edge of the bridge on my side. And on top of one is a huge stork. The likes of which I have never seen before. It is massive. In my current state of heightened anxiousness, it looks menacing. Its gigantic stout beak isn't helping me calm down either. That could easily kill a person. These birds seem so docile yet are equipped with such dangerous devices. But seldom has there been a violent stork attack on humans. Is it moving? It seems to be motionless as well. But I can't be certain if it's frozen like the wind and the water, and the trees. I have seen them many times before on top of streetlights sitting without moving at all. Must be natural.

I want to run away but there is a certain excitement in this terrifying yet bizarre situation. I will just have a smoke and wait for a car to drive past. How can some things be frozen while others keep moving? I fetch my pack of cigarettes from my pant's left pocket. What I see shocks me. The packet is full. How can it be? I always keep count. I did today as well. What is happening? I fumble inside my pocket to get my phone out and record this queer ambience around me. It's a nice story to share tomorrow to my friends at least. However, internally I haven't calm down at all. My anxiety has only been rising. Now I can sense a mixture of fear in there as well. This is not good. I am struggling to get my phone out. I can hear a car revving behind me. I disregard it thinking that it is some drunk kid. It usually is like that around here. I take my phone, open the camera and look up. The stork flies straight down to me with its massive beak open. In the bright light of streetlight and the darkness all around me, it looks like a giant pterodactyl swooping in for a hunt. This sudden surprise startles the hell out of me. I immediately, reflexively back off and on doing so, trip and fall behind. And next thing I am tackled by something extremely sturdy and go flying over the bridge into the water. It all happens so fast that I forget to panic. Numbness comes first, then acute pain, possibly from multiple fractures and slowly I can feel the burning sensation. I am drowning slowly. My body falls down like a stone and settles at the lagoon bed. It's only couple of feet deep but in my current state, it might as well be Mariana Trench. I can't move my body but only feel. Feel utterly helpless. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. I want to scream but I can't. Slowly, slowly I'm fading away. Slowly but steadily.

*****

Suddenly I wake up screaming and gasping for breath. I look around to face faces staring at me with bewildered look on them. I recognise these faces. These are the people I work with. I stand up from my spot. I seem to be back at Rosemary Catholic Campus. The first thing I ask them is the date. What's the date today? They laugh at me, mock me even and tell me that it's the 17th of October. My head is still spinning. This must be a dream. This must be. I need to get fresh air. I go out of the campus premises, walk down couple of houses and find a quiet corner to rest my mind a little. This is nuts. I'm thinking to myself. What the hell was that. It all felt so real. So surreal. I need a cigarette to calm myself down. I take out my pack of cigarettes which is full. How can this be? What is this? I put the packet back in my pocket and rush back to the campus building. I enter the cleaner's room, get my bag and head back home. I'll call Sam and tell him something came up and I had to leave early. Sam's my team leader. He's very understanding. I like Sam.

I reach the train station and tap my Opal card at the entry gate. It shows a balance of $80. Now this is beginning to feel more and more like my dream. Or am I dreaming now? My mind can't tell what's real and what's not anymore. My head hurts. I get out of the station and light a cigarette in my hidden little corner. I inhale deeply and exhale with a heavy sigh. I repeat that continuously couple of times until I start to calm down a bit. My thoughts which were all over the place are now being recollected slowly. Suddenly I hear someone calling my name. I turn to my right to see a very familiar face. Again.

"Kai, is that you?"