Choice Cut

”So you’re leaving it to me to decide?”

“Yes, yes we are,” both Pro and Con said, turning towards each to affirm the others acceptance. “We believe that when you weigh the data presented you will arrive at the proper decision. It’s never been tried before but given your sometimes exemplary and sometimes, lets be honest,

non exemplary behavior it’s a toss up anyway, and with our labor shortages and diminishing assets, a fast track from limbo needed to be introduced,”

Pro said.

“Aha,” Saul exhaled quietly. “And just when exactly did you guys start calling yourselves Pro and Con as opposed to the, you know, usual Angel and Devil? Whose idea was that?”

Con looked at Pro and with a slight nod, indicating he would field this question, answered,

“It’s still in the beta phase, but it’s been kicked around for a couple of centuries now, Angel and Devil seems so, oh I don’t know, twelfth century, don’t you agree? It’s high time we rebranded and embraced the future.”

“So this fast track you speak of, allows the individual soul to choose his or her own eternity? Isn’t the Con faction afraid of being outstripped population wise,?” Saul asked. 

“Oh my, no,” Con said, shaking his head, “we have a flourishing community and limitless real estate, we’ll be fine. We don’t make this offer just to anyone, you know, most times it’s black and white and the choice is blatantly obvious, so we make it, but more and more the scales of righteousnesses teeter in the gray area and it is then that we offer a choice, as in your case. As for a dwindling census, we’re not concerned in the least, it’s not that the current residents are going anywhere now are they,?”he chuckled, no we’ll be absolutely fine, have you seen humankind, I mean really seen them, yikes, it stokes even my flames.”

Saul watched as thin wisps of smoke and blue fire emanated from Con’s scorched black jacket.  

“Calm down,” Pro admonished him, “you don’t want to bias his decision, now do you?”

“Quite correct, thank you Angel, I mean Pro, I’m still getting used to the new terminology,” Con said.  

“Anyway, back to business, shall we,?” Angel said, clapping his hands together and giving his wings a little rustle, “What will be your choice,” checks his left palm, scrolls notes, “Saul?”

“Do you need an answer immediately or can I think on it for a little,” Saul said, “it’s kind of a big deal, you know, eternity and all, can I have a few days? You guys haven’t even given me your bullet points, I get more information from a bad listing on Zillow. C’mon give me your sales pitches.”

“See, this is why I hate this new program,” Con said, turning to Pro, “now I need to cajole and be ingratiating, I hate this, I’m the damn Devil, remember, not some fucking ad executive giving a thirty second elevator pitch for the latest diet soda!”  

“Con, flame down, breathe, relax your nostrils, I’ll handle this,” Pro said. “Saul, we will give you twenty four Earth hours to decide, as for the information you requested, please just pick up some brochures in the waiting room on the way out, they have all the answers you need.”  

“Thank you, I’ll be back.”

“Oh, you most certainly will be,” Con yelled after him. 

——————————————

“Okay, well it’s been twenty four hours now, so have you come to a decision Soul, I mean Saul,?”Con asked irritably, absently twiddling long strands of dirty black hair around his horns. “Well have you,?” he asked again, his voice rising with anger, his murky eyes clarifying into yellow pinpoints.  

“Con, please, let’s be civil,” Pro said slowly, no need for theatrics. “Saul,?” he asked, turning away from Con and spreading his manicured hands wide. 

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes, yes I have,” Saul said, “and just so you know, you’re not helping your case here,” he said, looking directly at Con, “I don’t appreciate your tone of voice.”

Con’s face was like a clenched red fist with inaudible mumblings  spewing out of it. 

“So let me begin by saying that I read all your handouts and you could really use the help of an editor, they do ramble a bit, but I got the gist. It’s the old good versus evil stuff, Santa versus Hitler, balm versus bomb, the ying and the yang of human existence, and on and on, I get it.”

Both Con and Pro were now just staring at Saul in amazement, that he wasn’t in awe of them or his situation was unthinkable. “Please do go on,” Pro said coldly, beginning to lose patience as well.

“It all got me thinking, that on the one hand we have horror, doom, and woe, while on the other hand we have love, bliss, and puppies. There’s nothing in between. There needs to be a third alternative, a third place that’s not so black and white, a place for all the grey folks, that you yourselves said is on the rise, hence this whole choice project you’ve started. It can be like a cosmic Starbucks, you know, the third place, not home, not work, somewhere else to be.”  

“Aha, and just what do you propose this Cafe is to be called,” Pro said,

sarcasm drenching his words,

“and where would it exist, above and below are already taken and we do have eternal leases.”

“I haven’t worked out all the specifics just yet, just kinda spitballing here, you know? I’m an idea guy, I’ll leave it to the logistics department to hammer out all the details, but

I’m telling you this could be big, it needs to happen.”  

Stunned silence. Pro and Con looked at each other for several moments, then at Saul, then back to each other, then they collapsed into laughter.  

“Oh, that’s just great,” Con said,

“just great. You’re a piece of work. You aim to upset the entire deity-centric universe by introducing a rogue dimensionality into the mix? Do you know the havoc this would bring to all sacred texts? To your human religions? To my cults and televangelists? No way, not happening, we’ve already bent the rules when we initiated this current program, we’re not opening the full can of locusts, I mean worms.”

“Okay, okay, it was just an idea,

don’t get up on your high hooves, I’m just trying to drag you guys into the twenty first century. I do have another request, though,” Saul asked, “how about a trial run, in both places? I mean, even a shady website might give you seven days to cancel if you’re not completely satisfied. I’d like to sample your offerings to see which part of me would feel more at home. I’m a complex guy you know.”

“Yes, apparently you are, yes,” answered Con, “let’s start out in my domain, shall we, seven days to embrace your dark side and partake of Bacchanalian rites and flagellating ceremonies geared to either horrify or pleasurably intoxicate your true self. After that you can go try out cloud boy there and see

what he offers,” he gestures

dismissively towards Pro. “Okay with you, my wingman?”

“Done,” Pro answers, with a wink, “hell of a good idea, don’t you think?”