Asphodel

I’m not going to apologize.

Delivered

I’m not going to apologize

Because I do believe that I deserved better

Ghosting was immature on my part

I’ll admit that

But honestly

I needed to get out

I couldn’t handle it

I wasn’t strong enough to handle it

You became an obligation

Another piece of my well-being

That I was supposed to just willingly sacrifice

For your peace of mind

Perhaps it was selfish

But you took so much from me that

I didn’t even know who I was without you

How much of me was I supposed to give up?

I had no one to turn to

None of our friends knew

The cat knew, but he didn’t care

And it’s not like he could talk

I was so lost

I couldn’t even go to therapy!

I thought if I went to a therapist

It would have been like betraying your trust

I was paranoid that they would somehow figure out it was you

And then it’d get out and cause an even bigger rift between us

Or I don’t know, maybe they’d blackmail you or something

Ok, it sounds stupid when I read it

I know there’s patient confidentiality

And it’s not like you’re rich enough to be blackmailed

Is blackmail still a thing? It must be, right?

But anyway, you know that I worry about these things!

All I wanted to do was talk to someone

Some omniscient outsider who could understand me

I just needed advice

I needed someone to tell me the right thing to do

To justify my decisions and tell me I wasn’t being unreasonable

Because I couldn’t talk to you

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I don’t blame you

I know where you were coming from

But there are still times I feel resentful

You said you were trapped between a rock and a hard place

But what about me?

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I always feel guilty for feeling resentful

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Casey and Jordan got married

Sometimes I thought we would

Get married

We would have been horrible at wedding planning

Spend too much time trying cake samples

And not enough calculating budget

Stress over what to say to each other

Your vows would be more eloquent of course

They would have been beautiful

That happiness isn’t something I can imagine

It has to be lived through first

Except I kept imagining a big wedding

And the only way that would have been the case

Is if everyone knew

And if they were all happy about it

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There were rumors

Alex tried to start a rumor

That you did drugs and couldn’t pay the dealer

No one believed him obviously because it’s Alex

They said you were stressed about work

You were

I can pretend that that’s the reason

That I have no blame in this

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You don’t know how much I wish I had picked up

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I couldn’t go

I couldn’t make myself show up

Knowing that your family would be there

That they wouldn’t even know me

Or at most they’d see me as another one of your classmates

Jordan had to tell me when it was

You never told them about me, did you?

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There were probably speeches

I think Jordan was asked to speak

But I wouldn't know

I kind of avoided everyone afterwards

Story of my life

Jordan’s probably still passive-aggressively pissed at me

Sent me a few angry texts

About how I “picked a fight” with you and left you in pieces

The irony

When I felt like the shattered one

They never asked me why

I wonder what bs you told them

It’s not like I can go and ask them:

Hey, my memory’s a bit fuzzy, what did we fight about again?

It must have been believable

I always said you should write more

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My dream is that one day

Scientists discover some evidence of parallel universes

Like in those science fiction stories you used to write

Then I can imagine that our counterparts find happiness

You’d like that too, wouldn’t you?

It’s sweet to think about

Romantic and all

But even then, I guess it’s not guaranteed

They might never even meet

For all I know, they might hate each other

Did you hate me by the end?

I never hated you

I couldn’t

When I walked out, I was so mad and frustrated

I wanted to keep screaming at you

But I could never hate you

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Your fb page is still up

I guess your parents don’t know about that either

I think people posted more things on there afterwards

Than you ever did

Which is impressive, considering how much you used to post

I’ve read all of them

Some of them are so fake

Even Miranda posted, can you believe that?

I wanted to send her a strongly worded message

Suggesting that she take it down

I would have, if she knew who I was

But even if they’re not fake, a lot of them are

Shallow?

Superficial?

I mean, we never really get to know people

They knock on the door and come into our life

But they’re just there

In the hallway or the living room or something

All they see is the nice wall art we put up

The clean sofa

We show them who we want to be

Maybe we’ll bring some close friends into the kitchen

Let them see the dishes in the sink and the chipped bowls we have

But we only let a few into the bedroom

So being on your fb page

Is like that story about the blind men and the elephant

Where everyone’s like it’s a wall, it’s a spear

And f-ing Miranda’s like it’s a giant snake!

But only I know it’s an elephant

Because I see the whole thing

I saw the whole thing

There are things that only I know about you

But it’s not like I could post them

And even if I could, I wouldn’t want to

Some things should be kept secret

Locked away and treasured

Those feelings and memories with you

I don’t want others to taint them

And I don’t want to let them go

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Today’s our fifth year anniversary

Do you remember?

You asked me in my bedroom

We were hot and sweaty

Had the window open

Cars honking in the background

You asked me, can you keep a secret?

I’m still keeping it for you

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