Askana the Bear Slaughterer

DISCLAIMER: I do not mean to offend anybody with stereotypes in this story. It is fictional and just for fun. Thank you and enjoy.

           Aksana Hogmagouch was not your Russian lady. She was six feet four inches tall, and she fought bears in the forest for fun. Everyone in Shlisselburg, her hometown, was absolutely terrified of her. Including me. Although I am a friend of hers, she still gives me the creeps. Once you get to know her, though, she is a real softy on the inside. As we progress through this story, you will get to peer through the window into her soul. Although Askana had a handful of close friends, she was mainly all on her own, not that she cared. Askana’s usual morning routine looked a little like this.

           Wake up before the crack of dawn, and refill the birdfeeder she kept outside her window. Next, drink three egg whites and munch on a stalk of celery. Go to the bathroom and examine chin whiskers. Then, pet Kitti (Askana’s cat), while lifting 30-pound weights. Take a shower outside in -10 degrees and sit down for a dainty cup of tea (yes, dainty). Askana lived in a small cottage which is surrounded by thick forest. Her cottage was Askana’s pride and joy. Her great-grandfather had built it with his bare hands, and pure muscle, as well. Although the snug cottage only had four rooms, a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, and living room, it was made for huge people like Askana and her ancestors. 13-foot-tall ceilings and custom-made furniture were only a couple of features in Askana’s strange house.

           Anyways, I am sure you will want to get along with our tale, and how Askana warped our lives today. You see, back then, bears had two heads and eight legs. They were the most feared animals in Russia, even topping the 20-foot-tall moose. Russian Bears had a terrifying habit of catching tourists wandering through the thick woods, and, well, folding them inside out.  I know it sounds gory to you now, but back then, 25% of people had that horrible fate. Now you can see why they were the most feared animals (more like monsters) in all of Russia. If you are wondering, yes, all bears back then looked like that, but Russia had the most aggressive.

           As you can tell, these terrifying ancient Russian bears play a huge part in Askana’s life. Only she was a proper match for these creatures in all the world. Askana was the most feared, but she was also the most honored. Whenever she was making her daily rounds in the forest and saw a poor person getting flipped inside out, Askana helped save them. Although the victim may get injured in the process of the bear-wrestling match, anything was better than getting turned inside out. Askana was rarely hurt while beating up the bear, because, well, nobody really knows why. She just does not get hurt. I have even been a witness to one of these brawls and have seen Askana take several blows. She always gets back up. Always. Until one time.

           One evening after a long hike through the quiet forest with Askana, we were sitting around her fire sipping warm vodka (Askana’s favorite beverage) out of floral porcelain teacups, accounting for the several times we had to save idiots from getting brutally murdered by The Bears. Almost every time, it had been a newcomer or tourist, because locals are aware to always stay away from the forest. All times. No exceptions. Anyways, one day we had a particularly difficult fight. It was between a generally large bear (about seven feet tall) and a small old woman with her grandchild. Let me take you back into that memory.

           I and Askana were walking through a sparkling white forest after a raging snowstorm. when we heard a vicious roar and a bloodcurdling scream. We both exchanged bored but alarmed glances and started running in the direction of the commotion. There was an ancient bear towering over a poor child and her terrified grandmother. Unfortunately, when I say the bear was “ancient” that is not a good thing. Nowadays, things get weaker as they get older, but back then was not the case. As living things continued to age, they got stronger and stronger, and three hours before they die, living things have superstrength qualities, so watch out. But now living things get weaker as they get older, as you may have noticed.

           At the time, we had no idea that the bear was in its superstrength stage right before death, so Askana dived into the fight without a moment's hesitation. You can tell when a thing is in that stage by the dilated pupils, increased heart rate, and a bluish tint to their skin, fur, or whatever is on the outside of their body. For obvious reasons, we had no time to check for those signals. It was a gory fight. The old lady and the child escaped with minor injuries (meaning a couple of broken ribs and some cuts worth stitches), but Askana was not so lucky. I know the fight could be heard all over the valley, but that was the least of our problems right now.

           For a while, Askana was keeping up the pace with that monster, but over time, things started to turn around. I could tell that Askana’s lungs were racing to keep up with the demands of her breath more than ever before. I could see the quiver of her knees, and the hesitation in her strikes. The slams of bodies against the frost-covered ground shook the trees and made snowfall from the sky. Soon enough, all the snow in a six-meter radius was blood red.

           All of a sudden, with an alarming pace, Askana zipped around the bear and slashed at its back with her nails. The creature roared in agony and whipped around to face Askana, only to find that she had run away again. That is strange, I thought, Askana has never been able to do that before. She was fighting stronger than ever, and you could never even tell her knees had been quivering only moments before. She rammed the bear’s skull with tree trunks and even shattered one head. Its loose skin flopped onto the monster’s shoulder, not having a skull in it anymore. Two eyes fell to the ground with a sickening plop and added to the redness of the snow. Askana was winning.

           This scene was how Askana changed my life, your life, your mom and dad’s life, and every life in the whole world. Askana let out a thundering battle cry and went ahead and ripped the bloody and just barely alive bear in half. Yes, you read that right. In half. She altered the whole existence of the bear. Instead of having eight limbs and two heads, it looked more like the typical grizzly you know today. From then on, bears adapted to become less fearful, so that they could avoid the mighty Askana.

           One mystery has not been solved. How had Askana pick herself up after such a brutal fight? Let me tell you, my friend. Little did I know that Askana had been entering the stage of superhuman powers before death.

           Once one has entered that stage, there is no denying death. The best doctor in all of Russia could not have saved Askana. After the ripping of the bear, I saw Askana fall weakly to the bloodied ground. It was almost in slow motion. I ran over to her, seeming to not get there fast enough. I crouched over her and glanced at her wounds. She was losing too much blood. It was hopeless. I leaned over to her mangled face, wiping the blood out of her eyes so she could see me with her last dying breath. She tries to press on her wounds to stop the bleeding, but I touch her hand, stopping her. It is useless.

“Let go. We will be alright without you.” I said grimly.

“No. I cannot leave you,” Askana’s eyes rolled back and she shuddered, pulling herself back together. “I……must………….protect….”

           Her voice died out with the light in her beautiful eyes. Askana was dead. I hunched over her mangled body and held my hand to her cheek. Then the horrible feeling of grief came clawing into my darkened soul.

“No. NO. NOOOOO!” I screamed into the quiet woods and heard my echoing voice reply a solemn song. Suddenly, I saw a shadow behind me. I whipped around, expecting to face another bear, but instead, I saw Askana. She was pale blue and had a glowing sensation around her.

“I will never be gone until you forget me.” She blew me a sad kiss and flew up into the branches, disappearing. From then on, I speak to her every morning, for I know she can hear me. I had two beautiful children and grandchildren, and I tell tales of her every day. She will not be forgotten, not even when I die, which will be soon. I am 87 years old.

           Shlisselburg put up a grand statue of Askana in the town square, made of pure gold that never loses its shine. The locals tell stories of her, but the tale has evolved over time. I am the only one who knows what really happened that sorrowful night. Here we have not had a bear attack in three decades. Legend says she is still wandering this forest tracking down any last bears and ripping them in half. She has traveled near you, for I assume that your bears do not have two heads and eight legs.

Now that you know this tale, spread it to your friends and family, for then the spirit of Askana will continue to live on and protect the helpless.