GOODBYE FOR KEEPS

I heaved a sigh as I smile into nothingness. Staring at the slow setting of the sun on the horizon where the darkening hues of red and orange meets the sea. The soft sound of the waves crushing to the shore brings me a short lived tranquility that I will surely miss in the next few months.

"Mama..What are you looking at? Lolay said dinner's ready."

My daughter's voice snapped me from the deep thoughts that kept hunting me since last night. I'm leaving tomorrow at the break of light and I haven't told her about it yet.

How can I? When her little arms were wrapped tightly along my waist like this? What words could I possibly utter to inform her of my departure if those same words could wipe out the sweet smile that's blooming on her face?

"Nothing, Mama was just listening to the waves. I missed it here."

“I missed you too Ma, I waited for you. Now we can finally do the things I listed down on my notebook.”

“You do have a list?”

“Yes, we can go swimming and kite flying just like Sara and her mom usually do. You’ll be staying for two weeks right?”

I was taken aback by the question. My throat seems to lose its voice.

“Well, Amy I—“

"Ma, did you know? My classmates were all shocked when we came up the stage together yesterday. They thought I was lying when I told them that My mom's coming."

She looked up at me with sparkling eyes. The kind of look that melts my heart and I nearly shed a tear if I haven't gotten a hold of me quickly. I can't deny the fact that my daughter missed me so much and I feel that deep within my core.

God please give me the courage to break it to her gently..

I remembered two weeks ago when my mom informed me of my daughter's academic achievements. My child has earned the highest grades in her class and was awarded with first honors.

Of course I was ecstatic about it. The thrill and excitement about my daughter gaining such award at a young age of eight was a fulfillment that washed away my exhaustion from a day’s heavy work.

But the enthusiasm was immediately wiped out of my face when I thought about the expenses I have to shoulder from travelling, the cost of a new dress for both of us, to the keepsakes I have to bring for my relatives when I came home. It's a tradition I can’t ignore.

On top of that, a day of rest was equivalent to a day without food on our plates. Besides, I'll surely have a hard time asking for a few days leave with my employer.

A week before my plan, I tried to get on my employer's good side. I've been diligently cleaning the house, doing all the chores and laundry with so much devotion that my employer willingly allowed me to go home but with the stern warning that my absence should last not more than two days.

With that and the money I borrowed from my best friend, I went home feeling elated. So, hours after my arrival, I was proudly standing on the stage with my daughter’s awards at hand. The applause and congratulatory handshakes were so rewarding that I still feel the swelling pride off my chest.

“Amy, I need to tell you something.”

I said looking down at her, brushing the tangled of her black hair being blown softly by the wind.

Her eyes gazed back at me and the intensity of her stare make me swallow down the words that I wanted to say.

“Oh, I need to tell you too Mama, Mr. Principal asked for your number.”

“Huh? Why?”

I asked curiously.

Why would the school principal possibly want my number?

“He said you’re gorgeous. I said thanks, but then he asked where my dad was.”

My breath hitched as I was stunned for a while by her words.

“And what did you say?”

I asked quietly.

“I replied, 'I don’t have a dad sir'. Then he smiled and asked for your number.”

“Why would you say that? You do have a dad. It’s just that he’s busy. So, did you give out my number?”

“Yes! I said yours is number 23.”

“What? Why? I mean, where did you get that number?”

“I remembered your Ms. Intramurals jersey, it has a number 23 at the back. Annie : 23. Correct?”

She eyed me warily and I laughed out loud at her innocence.

“Yes! Yes you did great. Now, let’s forget about Mr. Principal and have our dinner, shall we?”

Gripping her small hands tightly into mine, I threw one last peek at the darkening skyline as the last glint of the sun submerged into the sea.

I miss it here, how I wish I could stay longer.

We headed back to our little Nipa hut just a few meters away from the seashore. I roamed my eyes at the shabby bamboo walls to the thinning Nipa leaves roofing that was clumsily tied down to keep the pieces from falling. The pang of self pity hits the pit of my stomach and I turned my gaze away from the sickening reality of our living situation. With my daughter's hand in mine, we entered the hut and were greeted by the savory smell of dinner. My mom was busy putting a bowl of rice on the table while my dad was in the kitchen stirring something on the pot.

“Where have you been? I asked Amy to fetch you a while ago. The food will get cold, come and sit here quickly.”

She handed me a plate then puts another on the table for Amy.

“Ah Nanay, I need to tell you something. It’s about my leave. Well, my employer—”

“So Amy, what did your teacher says about your dress?”

Dad cut me off as he put the steaming bowl of chicken soup at the center of the wooden table. That probably was the second to the last home grown chicken they’ve been tending to for months and now it's on the table.

“Papay, you don’t have to cook much. I won't be staying for long anyway.”

My mom shoots a threatening glare at me but I just shrugged it off. I have a feeling that she knows about what I am trying to say but wouldn’t like it being said in front of my daughter.

I glance at Amy, observing if she has taken the hint. But she’s looking hungrily at the bowl of soup like a starving hyena. Taking a deep breath, I turned to serve a few spoonfuls of rice on her plate as I listened to her lively chatter with my father.

I really need to tell Amy that I won't be staying longer. She has grown accustomed to each Christmas vacation that usually lasted for a week or two. But this time is different as it was considered an emergency leave. It’s the second week of May and my employer's children need me for their summer classes. 

“Teacher was surprised as well Loloy, when Mama and I climbed up the stage wearing the same dress, she said it was beautiful and very unique.”

Amy boasted with her mouth half full of food.

“See? I told you they will be amazed. Do you believe in the power of the Six Pm prayer now?”

My mom said smiling down at the laughing Amy.

“Yes Lolay, from now on I won't sulk anymore. Seems like Papa God listens well if I prayed at six pm.”

She let out a hearty giggle that I can't help but touch her cheek in adoration. I believed my mom and dad taught her the six pm prayer to make her go to bed early just like what they've done to me when I was still a kid.

After the dinner, I asked Amy to help me gather the dishes with the excuse that I’ll teach her how to properly wash it. Its better that she learned house chores at an early age, besides, I really need to explain why I need to leave tomorrow at dawn. I don’t want my only child to end up hating me.

“Amy, I want to tell you something. Will you listen well and promise not to cry?”

“What is it Mama? Is it the secret of the rabbit dishes?”

“Yes I need to— wait what? What are you talking about?”

“Well, Sara said dishes are like rabbits.”

“Why? Do you even know what a Rabbit is? Have you seen one?”

“No. But Sara said Rabbits are feisty, like dishes.”

“Okay, yeah. Tell me.”

“Dirty dishes are like Rabbits, because they multiply quite fast.”

I choked as I laughed so hard at her little spiel. 

“And you believed her?”

“No. Our dishes never multiply. It's always in a three sets of plates, cups and spoons. But now it’s four because you’re here with us Mama. I like the four set of dishes best.”

Amy went silent after saying that. My cackling fades and another wave of heart wrenching pain crossed my heart.

Can I really leave her like this?

My attempt to tell her the details of my departure failed again for the third time. We finished the chores, do the prayers at six in the evening and then retired to bed. I had done packing my single bag earlier; it’s easy as it was never been unpacked after all. 

Lying on the rolled out Buri mat over the hard bamboo floor, I hold Amy in my arms tightly as if maximizing the moments I could spend with her for a couple hours more. I believed, when I chose to keep her, I also embraced the fact that I'll be raising her alone. And that was the best decision I have ever done in my life.

Squeezing her with all the love I could muster, I whispered tenderly into her ear.

“Amy, will you be a good girl when Mama is gone?”

“Hmm, why? Where are you going?”

“Well tomorrow I need to—”

“Tomorrow is twin’s day.”

She muttered suddenly, looking half asleep.

“What do you mean twins day?”

“Coz its Two's—day.”

She giggled and I laughed at her funny little joke, my attention bending on the wrong path again.

"How did you end up being the first honor? Your antics are hilarious. Besides, I thought you hated studying?"

“Teacher said she don’t have any other choice since my classmates were far more lazy than me.”

“Really? No choice then? That’s, insane.”

I asked in amusement. Hugging her close to my chest, I remained silent for a while. Listening to her tiny heartbeat was a serene moment.

“Ma, is something wrong?”

“Ugh no, Nothing is wrong. But I’m talking to your teacher in the morning, I just want to make sure that you actually learned something . Now, sleep.”

Though I doubt it that I could actually talk to her teacher in the morning, I still say it as if it’s happening and I felt the guilt slowly seeping through my mask.

I could’ve just told her that I’m leaving in the morning, I could’ve just said that my job demands more time and days but I just can’t do it. So I ended up cuddled with her all through the night, not getting even a blink of sleep. 

At the break of dawn, I was already on the road, travelling by bus. I left before Amy even wakes up.

That way, I can surely leave without hesitations. I can't bear to see the tears of betrayal from her eyes as I walk away. So I chose to depart without even saying goodbye.

As I give the driver's assistant my bus fare, a folded paper fell down on the floor from my bag. Picking it up, I frowned in curiosity upon opening its folds.

My tear drop fell when I recognized my daughter's hand writing.

Dear Mama, 

Thank you for the hard work you are doing for me Mama. Thank you for coming home just to be with me even for a short while. I want you to know that I did my best to be the top of the class because I want to see you smile as you receive those awards for me. It is my gift to you Mama, a present for being a strong mother to me. No other Mama could replace you. Please take care of your health always. I love you.

Your Good Girl,

Amy

P.S. : I know that you are leaving in the morning so I wrote this letter as you take a poop. Thank you Mama.

The smiley at the end tugged at the corners of my lips and slit my face in half.

I heaved a sigh and smiled into nothingness.