I Do Wah Ditty

On her 70th birthday Alice knew she was in trouble.

Unlike the blessed virgin Mary, no angels were lurking above awaiting to impregnate her. 

Or worse than that, she didn’t have a horny old Abraham itching to get a son out of her 90 year old body.

Sarah’s tolerance was much greater than Alice’s.

Alice was actually a rather chaste celibate. She had been penis free for close to 30 years and though she enjoyed the freedom that went with this status, occasionally she was tempted.

The day it dawned on her that change might be brewing was a strange one. She’d been considering letting her vehicle go, with some reluctance. The cost of maintaining and operating her beloved car had begun to weigh heavy on her pocket book.

She had been a driver for over 60 years and had loved every minute of it.

Her first experience was sitting on her grandfather's knee as he drove a tractor around the farm. His trust in her ability to steer was immense and transferred to Alice’s self confidence.

By the time she was 10, she was put on a cushion to reach the steering wheel. A brick weighed down the gas pedal while her grandfather walked beside the truck throwing hay out to hungry cows.

By the time she was 15 she received a learner’s permit and at 16 graduated to a fully fledged driver’s license that gave her access to hit the open highway and further develop her racing skills.

True, few were willing to accompany her. 

Again, she was blessed with that man, her grandfather, who, with eyes sometimes closed, would allow her to drive his truck…on the highway…at speeds over the legal limit.

Many changes occurred over the years.

She survived the death of her grandfather, parents, many close friends and the dissolution of two marriages and what had seemed promising as a third. She found herself contemplating ideas that she believed were a thing of the past.

So it was a great surprise to find herself driving around the city exploring with her car, for what might be the last time.

She drove to a rather popular city park hoping to curb her arising passions by sitting peacefully on a park bench, enjoying nature in its abundance.

Shock best describes what happened next.  

It had all begun rather innocently. 

Geese and ducks flew overhead, landed on the lake in front of her and began waddling over to partake of the special bird food she’d brought along.

All was well until she began noticing how many attractive young men there seemed to be in the world. 

She would find herself becoming very dreamy as they paraded across her field of vision.

The wild birds seemed to disappear as these new, more grounded creatures moved from her peripheral sight to a more prominent position.

Her venially innocent thoughts gradually began expanding and before long had definitely entered the land of mortal sin.

Her inhibitions began to melt like a child’s popsicle left on a summer hot sidewalk.

She knew something was more than a little off kilter when she began dreaming about these delicious young men walking nearly naked across a stage, all smiling as they singled her out of a crowd of thousands.

She grabbed her dominant hand to prevent herself from reaching out to pet one of these creatures as they stopped to chat with what they thought was a pleasant old woman.

She knew it would be a serious violation.

Though it was an involuntary reaction, the intensity of the desire and her almost inability to curb the impulse shocked her into awareness.

Most disturbing was the day she found herself almost stroking the sleek firm arm of a parking lot attendant. 

As he reached for her ticket, his rippling muscles and sweaty skin exuded a strong musky odour that somehow dulled her normal sense of propriety.

With great restraint she stopped herself, parked her car and sat quietly attempting to calm herself down.

In that meditative space she drifted back to a time long ago.

Alice was quite young when the adults in her life began to comment on her innate sense of balance.

Her gift played out in many guises, including a graceful presence that led her out onto the dance floor from a time when she could barely walk.

The adults in her life loved to watch her twirl and whirl around a room, her long wavy hair floating about her wee head.

She would lose herself to a rhythm, most often a composition whose beat played out for her hearing alone.

This talent for balance manifested across other lines. 

Alice would walk the perimeter of her family's farm, entirely five feet off the ground.  

Her ability to navigate fences led her family to wonder if one day she would join a circus. 

Alas, her fear of heights kept her from this destiny and the dizzying height of the farm fence was as high as she could tolerate.

More years passed.

Her dancing talent remained, but never rose to a professional level.

Her first marriage was a disaster.

She and her fiancé had decided to escape a formal wedding and drive down from the west coast of Canada to tie the knot in LasVegas.

Alice was very excited about hitting the streets of SanFrancisco on the way.

It was the year 1969, the peace movement, populated by hoards of hippies, seemed to center around that city. 

Alice, a bonafide member of that rapidly declining movement, longed to ride the cable cars that would carry her to the Haight Ashbury district. This area had been a hippie hubbub during the early 60’s and she held out some hope that visiting here would refresh her zeal for that amazing time in history.

She fondly remembered the song that reminded her to wear flowers in her hair when she met some gentle people there.

She held a small hope that as it was July, there might be a love-in.

After all it was but a short time before, that strange vibrations were setting young people in motion, anxious to share their explanation of a revolutionary new world vision.

Love and peace did not abound on the lovebirds journey to the spot they’d chosen to marry.

Almost from the start, intense arguments and ensuing hours of sullen silence made this trip a miserable experience.

In a spur of the moment decision, they decided to marry in Redding, a northern city of California.

Alice intuitively knew that if one of them hadn’t murdered the other, a LasVegas wedding was going to be highly unlikely.

Sure enough, that marriage was brief, intensely destructive and left Alice floundering helplessly longing to find Prince Charming. She knew he would help build a picket fence to contain the many children she longed to bear. Sadly that dream collapsed.

She survived forays into the madness of the 70’s, drinking herself almost to death in an attempt to dull the sharp pains of disappointment.

She eventually came to her senses, found a religious community that lured her back to moral behaviour, helped her to stop drinking and assisted her in seeking a soul mate.

She met Joe when she was 25.

They were born in the same year, 6 days apart and seemed to have much in common.

This proved to be an illusion, but to the idealistic Alice, held great promise.

Joe’s marriage proposal should have been a warning.

Alice longed for a version more akin to Manfred Mann’s popular song.

His bold assertion about the fine woman he saw walking down the street, culminated with a declaration of undying love. He was hers, and she was his and surely, wedding bells were going to chime. Ha!

Back to Joe. 

He knew he was going to lose Alice if he didn’t offer to marry her.

As much as he abhorred the idea of tying the knot, his fear of her walking away was greater.

Hindsight of course provides the clarity of 20/20 vision.

Without that knowledge, Alice accepted Joe's proposal. 

18 years passed. With that passing, many tragedies happened. Some almost beyond forgiveness.

Alice did her best to rise to that place and was actually quite successful.

However, not successful enough to withstand the dissolution of their marriage.

As she pondered the many mistakes each had committed, she began humming Manfred’s tune, “Do wah ditty ditty.”

Her foot began to tap, she itched to get out onto a dance floor and then something magical happened.

“Do wah” morphed into “Do I?” 

“Do I?” morphed into “I do!”

At this point Alice woke up from that bad dream.

The reality before her was transformative.

As she gazed into that mirror, she saw Joe's face. 

She remembered his indecent proposal and with a barely concealed sneer, replied,

“Do I want to marry you?”

The next words that crossed her lips were, 

“Fat Chance!”