Dear John

Dear John,

Can you believe it has been ten years already since you're gone? I'll stop by the cemetery later today and leave this letter and some flowers. Though maybe you'd rather have a beer, wouldn't you? Read it when you have some time.

Well, that's silly. You have nothing but time, now. I bet the sun feels nice on your headstone. You can sit up when you read it. 'Cause it's kind-a had to read it in the dark, ain't it?

I gues, I'm babbling again. I know you always said you hated it when I babble. You'd shake your head and grunt and then roll your eyes and change the channel. But I think it was just as comforting to you to listen to my babbling as it was for me to babble at you.

Oh yeah, I know when you were upset, 'cause you really don't have a poker face. I could always tell when you'd been out with Tim and Larry. 'Only had a few' you'd say and fall asleep on the sofa and snore till the windows rattled. And I bet you 'only lost a few' dollars when you played cards with those two. But maybe your face doesn't show as much anymore, now, right? Did you know that little Johnny, whose now fifteen and not so little anymore, could always tell when you were bluffing? He let you win, now and then.

Johnny is so smart. He won a ribbon at the science fair. I'm not sure what he made. Something for the 'puter. He said it would make 'puters run better. The governor was right impressed, though. Now there's a man who has a poker face, or should I saw many poker faces, or poker masks? July at the checkout thinks he has a thing going with his assistant. And yes, I know his assistant is a guy. That's okay now, so don't go yelling at me. No, it's not okay for him to cheat on his wife. That's never okay, you hear? But I guess she gets her jollies from being the first state lady, or however you say that.

Though lord almighty, you couldn't pay me enough to do that job. Always having to sit up nice and smile. I wonder does she kick off her shoes and slip out of her bra the moment she comes home. Nah, I guess, she has too many servants around to go walking around all jiggly-like. Not that I feel sorry for her. I hear she's a real righteous bitch. No, that's unkind. I don't know her. So, scratch that.

Though she's young enough, those girls are probably still sitting where they're supposed to be, so I guess, she can walk around without her bra. Lucky her. Maybe she had surgery. You see, John, if you hadn't gambled away your money, my girls could be sitting where the Good Lord put them, or close there, at least, instead of way down south in Dixie.

Hah! You see that? I made a joke.

Mary from down the street kicked Billy out. Boy that was a ruckus! His clothes were all over the yard, his undies in the rose bushes. That must have stung. He was screaming and banging on the door. Mrs. Reynolds, from across the street called the cops. Your friend Larry and his pardner showed up. They just stood there, leaning against their car and laughing. Didn't help him pack or anything. They did give him a ride to his mother's, though, since Mary wouldn't give him the car keys.

Sometimes I think I should-a thrown your stuff out the window. What in God's green acres did you see in her? I know what she saw in you. 'Cause you're a good guy. But darn it! You're my good guy. She had no right to poach. My momma always said that there is no 'counting for taste. Maybe she meant me, I wonder. You never did like my momma, did you. 'Cause we always had your mammy and daddy over for the holidays. Well, that has changed. You know that, right?

Hah, I remember when the plant went over to direct deposit. I had Betty call me the moment the checks cleared. You never did figure out that you made $100 more every two weeks, did you Well, I had to buy food with something. And I used some of that money to buy life insurance on you. Yes, ten thousand dollars. Of course, by the time I paid fees and the funeral there was only two thousand left. Got the car fixed and have a few dollars left over.

But you were a good husband, most of the time. You always paid the rent and power on time. In all these years I've never gotten one overdue bill. Well, except for the bar bill for the night you died. How much did you drink? How many rounds did you buy? What was so great that you had to celebrate? Never mind, I saw your Lucy the other day. She had her son with her. He's ten years old. He has your sandy colored hair and dimples. Her husband must be very tolerant, don't you think? I'm not sure if I could be that Christian.

But you always wanted a son. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you that. That all I could give you was a daughter. A little girl who played every ball sport she could find. And was thrilled the few times you decided to go see her play. I know you were too embarrassed to play tea party in the back yard. Lord forbid, anyone saw you sit at a tiny table with Mr. Bear and drink pretend tea out of teensy cups.

She still thinks you hung the moon, though. But then I never told her any different. Maybe I should have. Maybe then she wouldn't be divorced now and live back at home. Oh, didn't I tell you? Yes, Mr. High and Mighty Bank muckity-muck decided to trade your little girl in for a double-D.

Not that I mind having her and Johnny here. She's good company and pays part of the bills. Yes, she's working again. At another bank, Hah! And now I get to see Johnny every day. I'm just glad I don't have help him with his homework. I don't want to tell him I had to drop out when I was just about as old as he is now.

Of course, that was our first miscarriage, wasn't it? Almost carried that one full term. Three more miscarriages after that. But we had fun trying, didn't we? And then finally my little girl. Oh boy, she would kill me if she knew I called her my little girl. She's almost six feet, now. But way too skinny. She won't listen to me, so, you talk to her next time you see her, okay?

Eva at the beauty shop says we're gonna have a bad winter. I don't know what a goods winter look like. Do you know? Walking to the bus stop and waiting in the cold wind is not nice. I like spring a lot better. And how can they say that a whole winter will be bad. Steve on TV is often wrong about tomorrow's weather. Oh, why do I take the bus? Well Susan needs to take Johnny to school and then go to downtown for her job. She says they are too dirty. The buses, not Susan and Johnny, of course. But I guess it's okay for me to get dirty.

They put me on second shift at the plant. And when we have to work a little extra, I sometimes miss the last bus. Milton says he doesn't mind giving me a ride home. He also says he wouldn't mind picking me up. I may take him up on that, even though the heater in his truck doesn't work.

I do miss you, you know? You were like a pair of slippers that I had just worn in. We fit, didn't we? And you didn't mind warming my toes. I have to wear socks to bed now.

I was cleaning Susan's room, the other day and found this book. It was all about buying no, owning something. I asked her about it. Well, you wouldn't believe what she told me. It would have embarrassed you to no end, I'm sure. It embarrassed me too. But Susan talked about it as if it was lima beans. And you know how I like lima beans. And then she showed me how to go to amazon. No, not the river. It's a thing in the 'puter. John, you can buy everything there, and I mean everything.

Oh, the mail just came. The thing I bought at that amazon place? It came. Oh, baby! It's the cutest thing. It looks like a little pink rabbit sitting on a ... well ... a you know what. It has batteries and everything. So, maybe I'll drop this letter of tomorrow or so.

I'll tell you all about it next time, John. Bye now.

Sarah.