Two Dogs Talking

“Hi, Hamish.”

 “Hi Rover, how’s life treating you?”

“I’m telling you, Hamish, I’m so pissed off at my owner, I’m thinking of running away.”

“Why?”

 “Well, I was thirsty last night, and his lordship was watching the television. My water bowl was empty, so I went into the bathroom and drank from the constant water supply they call a toilet. Well, I was lapping up the water, when it suddenly dawned on me that humans use the place to get rid of their food. When they exit the place, it often stinks. If he uses that room, it must be okay for me, as my master knows everything.

 Next thing I know he walks into the bathroom and flies into a rage. He was so angry he rubbed my nose in the stuff. I mean why? I only saved him time as he didn’t have to take me outside.”

 “Oh Rover, I know what you mean, I’ll never understand human stupidity. You know that room with the huge chair with the broken arm, the chair with all the coffee stains. Well, I was relaxing on top of his slippers, not the old brown leather slippers, I’m talking about the pink slippers with the purple pompoms.

“Actually, Hamish, I’ve never seen them.”

 “You haven’t? I’m surprised. He wears them whenever his wife Judy goes out. He doesn’t only wear her slippers; he also puts on her skirts and dresses. It usually happens on Saturday nights right after she leaves for something she calls Bingo.

“Wow Hamish, I’ve never seen or heard of anything like that. I wonder why he does it.”

“So let me tell you about my adventure. It’s not as weird as yours, but it certainly was unusual. You know that drink my master has as he’s watching television. He calls it his single malt delight. Two things happened last night. First, before he changed into his wife’s clothing, he poured himself a huge glass almost filled up to the top with what he sometimes calls his amber fluid. His hands were shaking badly, and almost half the glass spilled onto the linoleum. I started to lap up the fluid which, to be honest, tasted like, well, I have no idea what it tasted like, but it was very strong and made me cough and splutter. That liquid was very strange. After a few minutes, the room started to spin. When I say spin, it wasn’t so much spinning as moving. The floor was moving so much that I fell onto the linoleum. There I was sitting in the middle of the floor, laughing at my situation when he laughed along with me. Then he stood up and walked unsteadily across the room, into the hallway, next he entered their bedroom. A few minutes later, he came back into the living room, but he had changed. I have no idea why he changed but he was now wearing a blue skirt with a white blouse. He then put a record onto the thing they call the stereo and began to move slowly with the sounds coming out of the machine that holds the record. After a few minutes, he looked at me and said with a smile, you’re a good boy. I love it when he praises me. Judy is a different case altogether. I’m sure she doesn’t like me. She talks about getting rid of the vermin living under their roof. I don’t know if she means me, or her husband, but the last time she saw him in her clothes she said the same thing. Well, she didn’t say it, screeched it would be a better word. He and his wife were yelling at each other. It seems his wife Judy came home early from her bingo night and caught him parading around the room wearing her blue dress. I heard her yelling about getting divorced whatever that means. “

 “Rover, I know what it means, I think. They won’t be sharing the same house they live in now. One of them will leave the other and go to live somewhere else.”

“Yeah, Hamish, but what will happen to us.”

 “I don’t know Rover, but I hope we won’t be taken from each other so one of us will live with him, and

one will stay with her.”

“Tell you what Hamish, I have an idea. If they do separate let’s run away together. What do you think?”

I think that’s a great idea, but why wait. Let’s set off now and find a place where we can both be together. I mean, I know there are other dogs in the area, but you’re my best buddy and the thought of not being together upsets me.”

“Okay Rover, I agree with you. I mean, imagine not being able to smell each other’s butts. It’s almost beyond comprehension.”

Wow, Hamish, I never thought of that. Where should we go?”

“I’ve no idea, but has your master ever taken you past that place they call the dog compound?”

“Yes, lots of times. There are lots of other dogs in there. You can hear them barking joyfully, so it must be a good place. What do you think?”

“Sounds good to me, let’s plan to meet tonight. We can both beg to go outside to do what my master calls doing his business.”

The Pound

“Okay, Rover, are you ready to go out and do your business. Out you go now, there’s a good dog.”

“Woof, Woof”

“Hi Hamish, let’s get going.”

“Do you know the way, Hamish, 'cause if you don’t, I do.”

“Don’t worry, Rover, my master has driven me past it lots of times. It’s only about two miles along the main highway.”

“The highway, that place scares me with all the cars driving around.”

“Tell you what Hamish how about we wait a while and see what happens to our masters. Meanwhile, we can both ask other dogs in the neighborhood if they know anything about divorce.”

“That’s a great Idea Rover, okay see you tomorrow.